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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In complete shock, help please

113 replies

inshockinshockinshock · 29/09/2011 16:47

Last night my dp and I were in bed sleeping, he woke me up to ask me yet more questions about my past (this is a regular thing, especially after he drinks) and we ended up arguing at 3am. This followed him leaving the house with a bottle of vodka and not coming back until this morning

Today my mum had an op to remove cancer, I had a 1/2 day from work to be with her afterwards and came home first. DP and I rowed again and whilst we were, his mum pulled up outside, so he starts yelling oh my mum can see your true colours now etc etc, so my response was to say 'when does she get to see yours, what about throwing the tea tin at my head so hard I had a lump the size of an egg or throwing your phone at me so hard I had a bruise that made my mum nearly vomit etc.

So dp was really mad by this point and backed me into the corner in the kitchen (his mum was still outside) and was screaming and raging in my face. I picked up a newspaper because his face was so close to mine it was frightening. He was frightening.

The next thing I knew my head slammed back, in to the cupboard, my nose popped and my teeth went through my lip. All this time his mum was outside. She took him away in the car after he had done it. He came back and is now refusing to leave saying he has to find somewhere else to go first.

I have to go out now to see my sick mum after her op with a lip so thick I can't speak and a swollen nose. He is telling me to say I opened the car door on my face.

He has apologised, but he says I drive him to it. I don't know what the fuck to do

OP posts:

Mabelface · 29/09/2011 18:10

I completely understand how frightened you are to involve the police. However, for your own safety, you need to. The violence is escalating and it won't get better, it'll just get worse and worse. If you phone the police, they will remove him from your property. You don't have to suffer this.

sephrenia · 29/09/2011 18:13

I'm in full agreement with the other posters. Call the police right now. This 'man' isn't your partner, he's your abuser. Get rid of the oxygen thief.

madam52 · 29/09/2011 18:29

I stayed with my violent ex-husband for over 20 years on the grounds that he would 'hunt me down like a dog - throw acid in my face..' etc etc if ever I left him. I did leave him eventually after him promising to kill me when he got home from a weekend away. Something snapped and I thought - No you wont. There is as others have said a fantastic support network out there to protect you from twats violent /abusive men like these. They really do take it seriously now compared to years ago. Mine turned out to be like 99.99% of these cowards - all talk - all though I am not saying the danger from a very small minority of irate exes shouldnt be taken seriously. It should.
I am still alive and kicking (obviously) and married to a wonderful man now .

Over 20 years of my life that I will never get back.

Leave now.

CristinadellaPizza · 29/09/2011 18:32

Please call the police

You poor woman :(

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/09/2011 18:35

Sweetheart, you can't live in terror for another 10 weeks or however long it takes the abuser to eff off.

Please call the Police and get rid NOW.

Wishing you strength.

LadyBlaBlah · 29/09/2011 18:39

OP I feel sick for you. I could cry a river for you.

But you really must call the police. If you saw him do this to a woman who was walking down the street, you wouldn't think twice about calling the police, yet because it is you..................you think you shouldn't???

Well. You. Should.

It is illegal to slam someone's head into a cupboard and he must be punished and you should be protected. I have been there myself too, and I 100% guarantee that once you have rid of him you won't look back......he is a prize twat and criminal.

And if you stay things will get a lot lot worse, probably not immediately, but definitely eventually.

madam52 · 29/09/2011 18:41

sorry really should have said 'phone the police' - I mean really why should you leave ? It just worked better for me to leave but either way get help and advice - there is a way out - and the police should be your first port of call. If you wanna leave and start up again and feel safer doing that they will point you in the direction of temporary refuge to achieve that. If you want to stay put and get him out then they will help you do that after what he has done.

M0naLisa · 29/09/2011 18:45

So he headbutted you??

And your going to let him get away with it?

You would be stupid not to ring the police.

neuroticmumof3 · 29/09/2011 18:47

You ok OP? It does sound as though things are escalating and getting dangerous for you. I have to agree with the others about involving the police. They will give him bail conditions not to contact you, if he breaks those conditions he will be arrested. The police will be able to assess the risk you are at (sounds likely to be high risk) and take appropriate measures. There may even be a domestic abuse service in your local area that can support you through all this.

CristinadellaPizza · 29/09/2011 18:50

Where is he now? Where are you now? If he is in the house with you, can one of us call the police for you? I'm really worried for you :(

Forcasi · 29/09/2011 18:51

Don't be ashamed. It's his shame, not yours. Tell people, show people.

There is no way back from this. You might be thinking (I did), that if you tell people, show people, call the police etc then "there is no way back", and that might feel like too big a decision to make.

But he has made the decision for you. There is no way back from this. Not because of respect or pride or because your children can't be raised by a man who'd do this to their mother (though all those are true), but because you are not safe.

Your mum loves you and wants you to be safe. Sounds like she's worried already, and rightly so, if she's seen bruises on you before. If I was your mum, the BEST thing I could come around to after a serious op would be my daughter making a decision to get away from this bad bad excuse for a human being.

TimeForMeIsFree · 29/09/2011 18:53

MonaLisa, with all due respect, a woman who is being abused is not stupid for not phoning the police, she is scared, worried and confused as in need of reassurance and support.

cavemummy · 29/09/2011 18:53

Call the police. He has assaulted you. Do not protect him by helping him to cover it up. You need to protect yourself.

I'm really sorry your relationship is way beyond anything that can be repaired and you need to get out of there quickly and keep yourself safe. Your local police station will have a DV officer/unit that you can ask to speak to.

If you can't face speaking the police, at least call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Please do it now.

cavemummy · 29/09/2011 18:56

Do you want one of us to look up your local police station's telephone number?

cavemummy · 29/09/2011 18:59

Womens Aid
www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp

akaemmafrost · 29/09/2011 19:03

OP. My ex h attacked me, not nearly as badly as you describe but he shoved me around, threw me on the sofa and held me down by my head and neck. I was not injured like you. However I called the police, he was removed there and then. His bail conditions were that he was not allowed to return to the address or contact me. He has never lived at this address since then. It can be done. You just have to make that call. You can do this, you have to because this will not stop now. Lines have been crossed and it will only get easier for him to hit you now.

Xales · 29/09/2011 20:33

He has escalated from throwing things at you to this. If you do not phone the police he will think you are putting up with this.

What do you think he will do next time?

If you go to the police next time because it will be worse you will be unable to say he did this on 29th of Sept as it will be your word against his.

If you don't go to the police then what do you think he will do the time after?

I think I have read on here it takes on average 7 attacks before a woman leave her P. What do you think he will have done to you physically by then if it escalates at this rate?

There is a chance you could be dead by his hand by then. I think your mother would be rather more upset by that!!!

Call the police. This is not acceptable. If he becomes worse they can help you easier if they know!

Do not let him back in. He can stay with his mother or a friend.

Call up your friends. Tell them what he was like and that is why you lost contact. If they are real friends they will be there for you now.

If he moves on to another partner and does it again it is also on record what he has done to you if she goes to the police and can protect other people.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 29/09/2011 21:06

You say that you are scared of him, scared of calling the police, and that you just want him gone.

Phoning the police is the best (and possibly only) way to get him out of your house and out of your life

I know you're scared. But this man will not hear reason, especially not coming from you, since he does not respect you. But he is a coward at heart, like all abusers, and involving the police will get the message through to him that he needs to stay the fuck away from you now.

And it's not just the police: you need to shout it from the rooftops, as Hissy says, that he is abusive towards you. Like all cowards, he is motivated by shame, and his prestige is far more important to him than your wellbeing. If you tell every soul you can that he is abusive, then he will have no other recourse to prove you wrong than to guess what leave you the fuck alone. Which is what you want.

So please, start talking about it. To the police first of all.

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 29/09/2011 21:27

I hope you are ok OP. And I hope that your Mum is ok too.

Original poster

inshockinshockinshock · 29/09/2011 21:37

I am home, thanks for the messages. The hospital kept my mum in and wouldn't let me see her because she was still in recovery - she waited hours for her op and they ended up going in to her abdomen in 4 different places.

He is not here he is at his friends. He is not coming back by his own admission and I believe him.

I am going to try and sleep, thanks again for your support

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 29/09/2011 21:43

Pick up your phone and ring these people now and within 24 hours they will have submitted an application for an injunction against your partner and it won't cost you anything.

www.ncdv.org.uk/

then ring the police to keep him away for tonight.

Sweetheart, this crap can all end tonight. You have the power to stop it.

HerHissyness · 29/09/2011 21:48

please lock the doors, please don't let him back. Please call WA and ncdv now, as you are safe to speak. Get the injunction, you really need to keep him away from you.

please, please, please, don't let this situation go on for another second.

CristinadellaPizza · 29/09/2011 21:50

Am so glad you're okay. PLEASE ring people tonight. Don't just go to bed. Please.

iwillbefree · 29/09/2011 21:52

Just read the thread, really hope you have called the police, locked up and went to see your lovely mum.

BCBG · 29/09/2011 21:54

Please report him (I speak as a JP)..... no one should accept being violently assaulted. As others have said, this is taken seriously now any there is so much support out there for you: please, please take it.

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