So the last few weeks has been a total rollercoaster - we've just emigrated with our two DCs, age nearly 2 and nearly 4 to Australia after six weeks of my husband working over here by himself. The whole thing has been massively stressful, which is kinda what we expected, but it has also exposed cracks within our relationship.
DH has made some good friends, one of whom is female. He is her "best" friend over here, and after some major arguments, major fucking up on both our parts and other messing about, I'm absolutely sure that he isn't going to run off with her. He has no "designs" on her, has been very open from the start, never being secretive or hiding anything. The only time we've really had a problem was last week when he didn't come home when he said he would, but that's because he panicked and thought I was really angry with him when actually I was just desperate to see him. We worked that all out in the end, although it took a lot of talking, and is still a bit of a raw nerve for me.
Anyway, she rung him last night (with good reason, she had said she'd ring to find an answer to a question) and he picked up the phone, eyes alight, bellowing with laughter, animated and just in a way that I haven't seen for years. That's when I realised what was missing from our marriage, and it broke my heart to see him like that with someone else when we don't have it any more. I talked to him about it after the phone call, and after talking for about 4 hours we were able to talk it through - he admits he has something with her that he doesn't have with me any more. He can't help it - it's just something he feels one way and not the other, but it breaks my heart. It's the emotional equivalent of him getting an erection every time he sees her when he can't get one with me.
We love eachother - after a LOT of talking, we are sure about that. We have a good sex life - it's been poor in the past, but it's about 4 times a week at the moment. We share values, interests, taste in music etc.
What we're missing is that spark - our life has become routine - we talk about the negative in our days so we score "points" against the other in the hope of having an easier ride of it in the evenings with the bedtime routine. We never have fun together. If we do, the kids spoil it - whether it's shopping, eating out etc, so we just end up doing things for the kids, which is OK to some extent, but we don't get anything out of it for ourselves.
However, we're in a foreign country, 12,000 miles from friends and family that could babysit/give us a break. Where on earth do we start to get that sense of fun / spark back? I'm finding it absolutely smothering looking after two very demanding pre-schoolers who are as stressed out by the move as we are, and when DH comes home from a long hard day at work it's very difficult for either of us to be anything other than grumpy and exhausted, and by the time the kids are in bed by 8pm, we're both exhausted.
I know it will get better with time, but I need something to work on now or I won't be able to get through the next few weeks.