We have everything but the fun - smothered by life with kids

[Naetha]

So the last few weeks has been a total rollercoaster - we've just emigrated with our two DCs, age nearly 2 and nearly 4 to Australia after six weeks of my husband working over here by himself. The whole thing has been massively stressful, which is kinda what we expected, but it has also exposed cracks within our relationship.

DH has made some good friends, one of whom is female. He is her "best" friend over here, and after some major arguments, major fucking up on both our parts and other messing about, I'm absolutely sure that he isn't going to run off with her. He has no "designs" on her, has been very open from the start, never being secretive or hiding anything. The only time we've really had a problem was last week when he didn't come home when he said he would, but that's because he panicked and thought I was really angry with him when actually I was just desperate to see him. We worked that all out in the end, although it took a lot of talking, and is still a bit of a raw nerve for me.

Anyway, she rung him last night (with good reason, she had said she'd ring to find an answer to a question) and he picked up the phone, eyes alight, bellowing with laughter, animated and just in a way that I haven't seen for years. That's when I realised what was missing from our marriage, and it broke my heart to see him like that with someone else when we don't have it any more. I talked to him about it after the phone call, and after talking for about 4 hours we were able to talk it through - he admits he has something with her that he doesn't have with me any more. He can't help it - it's just something he feels one way and not the other, but it breaks my heart. It's the emotional equivalent of him getting an erection every time he sees her when he can't get one with me.

We love eachother - after a LOT of talking, we are sure about that. We have a good sex life - it's been poor in the past, but it's about 4 times a week at the moment. We share values, interests, taste in music etc.

What we're missing is that spark - our life has become routine - we talk about the negative in our days so we score "points" against the other in the hope of having an easier ride of it in the evenings with the bedtime routine. We never have fun together. If we do, the kids spoil it - whether it's shopping, eating out etc, so we just end up doing things for the kids, which is OK to some extent, but we don't get anything out of it for ourselves.

However, we're in a foreign country, 12,000 miles from friends and family that could babysit/give us a break. Where on earth do we start to get that sense of fun / spark back? I'm finding it absolutely smothering looking after two very demanding pre-schoolers who are as stressed out by the move as we are, and when DH comes home from a long hard day at work it's very difficult for either of us to be anything other than grumpy and exhausted, and by the time the kids are in bed by 8pm, we're both exhausted.

I know it will get better with time, but I need something to work on now or I won't be able to get through the next few weeks.

"I don't think spouses should dictate their partner's friends."

I think they should when the DH is clearly infatuated with her - it's all over his joyous face when he speaks to Trouble!

I wouldn't care if she's a work colleague or not - my instincts would be to protect my marriage and keep the family together. I'd go and see her no problem. And maybe the reality of such an intervention might jolt DH out of his trance like infatuated state.

It's the emotional equivalent of him getting an erection every time he sees her when he can't get one with me.

And people say the OW is not an issue? FFS!

I agree though that its up to the H to put in place agreed boundaries with regards to female friends - if he is refusing to do this, then it does not look good.

Good luck

Animation - I see where you're coming from, but if the genders were reversed the behaviour you're describing would be considered highly controlling and indicative of an abuser.

People have to police their own relationships, not rely on their partners to do it for them. We're talking about grown-ups, not children. Who would want to be in a relationship where someone is only faithful because their partner is going round ensuring that there are no opportunities for him/her to be otherwise?

All anyone can do, unless they believe they have the right to control someone else's life, is to make their own standards of behaviour clear and point out the consequences if those standards are not met. At some point it has to come down to trust and being prepared to carry out those consequences if that trust is betrayed.

I would not stand for being told who I could or could not see and I don't think many people would.

At the same time, if the OP has made her feelings as clear to her DH as she has to us on this thread, I think her DH would be a twat of the highest order not to start lavishing attention on his wife and make her feel happier in her new adopted country.

The problem is him. Not the female friend.

Another vote for reading 'Just Good Friends'. If you want to know how he really feels about her, ask him to stop contact with her for 6 weeks so you can sort yourselves out.

Take VERY careful note of his reaction.

Exactly, Sunshine, well put.

"I see where you're coming from, but if the genders were reversed the behaviour you're describing would be considered highly controlling and indicative of an abuser."

I disagree.

The evidence is there that a state of infatuation is in situ. That requires assertve action - and maybe the DH would would respect OP more for that - and direct his infatuation back on her and fall in love with her all over again!

And besides I'd want to knock her block off - for making my DH go all goey eyed!

Yeah I wanted to knock my DH's OW's block off for being such a good "friend" to him - bleugh - with "friends" like that etc .......

See I'd be more mad at my 'D'H. He's the one that made vows and doesn't possess any self-control. If not one woman, then surely another poses the same risk if a man is that capable of being 'turned'. So you'd have to ban him from having any attractive female friends to be really safe. Better to find a more reliable H IMO.

I think we'll have to agree to differ. This is one of those marmite-type arguments where people are entrenched in their own views (me included ).

As far as I was concerned (re my DH & his OW) they were both equally to blame as she knew he was married with 4DC. Op's DH's "friend" also knows he is married, newly emigrated with very young DC, and when the opportunity arose for this "friend" to welcome his DW and cultivate a friendship with her, she blanked her ........

Anyway good luck OP - I hope everything works out for you and if your intuition is telling you something isn't right - then listen to your intution. It is interesting that both your threads have mentioned this "friend" - would you have started any of these threads if it wasn't for this "friend"?

"See I'd be more mad at my 'D'H"

Yes I'd me mad at him aswell. I think the situation requires some high expressed emotion to be honest. Enough of all these long reasonable and logical chats. How about some PASSION.

It sounds like she probably fancies him and he has stated clearly to you that he would fancy her if he weren't with you (or something like that).

I do like sunshineandbooks very dignified post about making your own standards of behaviour clear. Do make sure you have absolutely spelt it out what you expect - him to commit to your family life out here not just his working life and his friendships.

I would ask if you can have her number, say because you need female friends out here too, perhaps you and her could meet up and start afresh. I would be really fucking nice to her and go on about how great DH and kids are. However I am devious and in no way dignified.

Like everyone who has suggested spending the money on babysitters, 2 and 4 are old enough to leave with qualified experienced strangers ime.

HTH sorry you are going through all this turmoil.

This is nothing to do with not allowing your partner friendships. This isn't a friendship it's a crush and op if you don't nip it in the bud quickly it will become an affair.

I remember you from the other thread.

we have been through emigration with a 2 and a 4 yr old, and done the competitive tiredness thing.

So I can imagine how you feel.

And on top of that this other woman.

well....I think your DH is letting you down there. As long as he continues his "special relationship" with her, he will not get THAT with you now, will he? he sounds like a bit of a fool who is flattered by her. Meanwhile SHE is trouble.

I imagine, like the poster above, that she has made clear she fancies him. he is flattered. he may well have said or implied that he would be interested if only he were free. Now they are deliciously playing with fire a bit.

It is really up to him to cool it off with this woman a bit (a lot!) and to make you feel special. Sorry but he is being a bit of a dick here. he may even quite like you being a bit jealous, and all the attention (2 women fighting over him). I would actually back off a bit and let DH do as he pleases and start building a life for yourself, as well as a bloody good financial back up (running away money so to speak) in case the shit hits the fan. You won't need it, but it's good to have an escape plan. To keep you sane and avoid you ever feeling trapped (this is not a lack of trust, it is an essential requirement for someone in your position).

Also, when I was in your position with the kids abroad, I got some part time nurseries sorted for both. Then used my free time to teach a bit of English, do some painting (a hobby I had neglected for years), and set up my own toddler playgroup where we'd rotate people's houses (it started with 2 ladies I met at the playground). I was a lot more bold and proactive than I'd ever been! I had to be.

It was hard work, and sometimes things did not work out, but you have to go out there and make the best life for yourself.

Chandon has given some really good advice. The one thing I learnt from my DH's affair is that the only person I could control was myself. Nursery is a very good idea, it will give you some time to yourself. Make you and your life interesting - I took up a long neglected hobby following my DH's affair. This is a new opportunity for you too

Another really good post from Chandon.

If the roles were reversed and you 'came alive' when speaking to a male colleague who you would be with if you were single. How happy would your DH be?

NOT VERY!!

I meant to add if you were helping said man to move ...doh

OP only read the first and last pages of this thread but remember your last one when you were worrying about this woman and the fact dh had spent no time with you and the kids since moving there.

does she still blank you when she sees you like the first time or is she now friendly to you?

Sorry OP for continued OW talk. I am not necessarily saying she is the main problem (now anyway), just wondering a few things.

Why has she asked him to help move? She must have plenty of friends, surely? Why ask a man that she knows is busy in his free time with a family that has only just moved overseas to be with him? Isn't that just plain selfish of her?

When your DH thinks of something funny, who does he tell first - you or her? If he has doubts about something, who does he tell first? I'm just wondering because perhaps she is fun because she's the one he's essentially sharing the fun bits of life with. The emotional intimacy. Is he all talked/joked out by the time he comes home or is it all fine?

As for fun time with the kids, it is difficult. We only have the one so far and it's already tough to get away from the daily grind of childcare and bedtime routines sometimes. When we cook a special meal he'll wake up at the worst possible moment, etc.

I don't have a magic solution but I do think it'll be good if you can manage to do something for yourself - a course in the evening maybe? Or a toddler group? Then you'll hopefully have more energy and spark yourself and pass that into the conversation.

I don't think you have a duty to let your husband have fun without you, btw. Don't think mine would want to be out drinking even if it was once a week if I could never do it.

Good luck sorting it all out.

"When your DH thinks of something funny, who does he tell first - you or her? If he has doubts about something, who does he tell first? I'm just wondering because perhaps she is fun because she's the one he's essentially sharing the fun bits of life with. The emotional intimacy. Is he all talked/joked out by the time he comes home or is it all fine?"

Mysterious Hamster - good point!!

This woman is moving on your dh. Take action girl. I echo what evreyone else has said about you being too nice. You are in denial; there is a coonection and something going on between them. Mabe not in a physical sense. He sounds like a complete twat but I understand that you love him.

Just want to say, OP is probably really bored of this ow stuff. Wouldn't want her to feel like she can't talk as we are all not listening and are hellbent on ow. I agree ow is an issue that needs consideration but you can't say he is one step away from an affair or anything like that. Relationships have these trials but they are not insurmountable. You can't read a situation accurately from an internet thread. It's OP life, dh and decision. Maybe we should back off and try to come up with more practical solutions. I know I raised concerns earlier about ow but seriously when OP reads this, I'm not sure shell appreciate us all speculating on ow, when she asked for advice about how to add spark. Yes, I'm being a hypocrite... But when I put myself in OPs position, she's heard it all several times...

"This woman is moving on your dh. Take action girl"

Yeah, that is obvious to me too!!

I think Chandon's advice about getting out is very sensible.

I think you and your DH have both underestimated the culture shock you are both undoubtedly feeling. For your DH there is a new job and he's pumped up with adrenalin it's so exciting and brilliant! All these great new people he's met, hey it's so brilliant. He needs to no that this doesnt last forever. Something crap will happen and the adrenalin will drop him like a stone.

For you everything has changed but at the same time nothing has. To put it bluntly, same shit in a different country. It does get better, things do settle down, you do get into a routine. Things start to make sense.

You need to get to know your neighbourhood and find out what is on offer there. You need to start to build a life which will give you something to talk about with your DH other than 'bloody kids'.

Two and four is hard work but they dont stay that age forever, it does get better. I remember the day we arrived in our new house abroad, I went out with the buggy to get some food and DS (3) refused to go on the buggy board, I had to carry him while pushing the one year old in the buggy.

That same clingy little boy has just joined army cadets!

Remember the MN mantra 'this too shall pass' even if you do have to say it through clenched teeth!