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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

never saw it coming.

67 replies

coccyx · 28/09/2011 14:14

Hubby is away on business. I was looking for an old email receipt on his aol e mail account. A deleted message caught my eye, was a pic of a lady in her undies and message from Oh's phone that said 'yummy'.
I have confronted him. He says they meet up every few months just for sex. She is married , hubby not able to have sex, and my oh gets some sex as our physical relationship is virtually zero!
He says he loves me. Not sure what to do. All alone here, apart from children, I would speak to my friends in uk but they are also his friends.

OP posts:
forgetmenots · 28/09/2011 14:16

Oh no coccyx. This is awful.

Can you get a flight to your family and friends? You need people around you. Only you will really know what to do, we can only say what we would do but I would definitely say be somewhere you feel loved, and good luck x

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 14:17

I am very sorry

What a pity you had to find out this way

How would you have reacted if he had told you he was considering finding sex outside of your sexless marriage ?

That would have been the decent thing to do...to discuss it with you first

Original poster
coccyx · 28/09/2011 14:20

I am trying not to cry as older children back from school.
he says he has no feelings for her other than the sex.
just don't know how i feel, a bit of an idiot i think. imagining them together in my head is awful.

OP posts:
livingonthedge · 28/09/2011 14:25

why is your physical relationship zero?

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 14:26

It is unlikely he has feelings for her if it really is months imbetween meetings

love, why don't you have sex with your husband ?

I feel I am in danger of upsetting you further if you don't elaborate a bit more

PeppermintPasty · 28/09/2011 14:27

I'm so sorry, and Angry for you too. Has he cut all contact with her/said he will do so?

forgetmenots · 28/09/2011 14:27

Is there somewhere you can go tonight OP?

WomansWeekly · 28/09/2011 14:30

my oh gets some sex as our physical relationship is virtually zero!

why?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/09/2011 14:39

Is your physical relationship with your dh virtually zero? If so, is this something you have previously discussed with your dh with a view to resolving the problem?

Although it will be of little consolation to you at the present time, I can assure you that it is entirely possible to have sex without being in love or in any way emotionally invested in the other person.

For me, an emotional betrayal would be far more hurtful than the thought of my oh engaging in a physical act with another woman but others may well feel very differently about this subject.

Do you have any family or friends of your own in the UK that you can call? If not, you've got friends here who'll do their best to comfort and support you until you feel capable of making decisions as to whether you wish to continue in your marriage.

Many couples can, and do, surmount adultery. I believe there is currently well-subscribed post on this topic on this board - the title escapes me but, hopefully, someone may recall it.

Original poster
coccyx · 28/09/2011 14:40

just seems to have petered out. Old problem of 4 children blah , blah. He goes away a lot and the time just passes between when we have sex.
Feels a bit awkward/ embarrassing to iniatate anything.
Nowhere to go, only me in another country with 4 children. he is in Uk until next week.
I was angry when i spoke to him. never discussed the issue of him not seeing her anymore. Could i trust him anyway? feels that knowing this means I will never be able to have sex with him again anyway, so what to do/

OP posts:
Original poster
coccyx · 28/09/2011 14:43

He has just sent me a text saying he does love me, no matter what i may think. He said he thinks, but hopes, not , that i believe i would be better off without him in my life

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/09/2011 14:57

At the moment you're hurt and confused and you may well feel that you'd be better off without him, but this isn't a time for you to make any decisions you may regret.

By all means express the pain you are feeling to him by text, email, phone call etc, but wait for his return before you decide whether you, and your marriage, can recover from this curve ball that, as far are you are concerned, has come from nowhere.

He's a bastard for having done this, isn't he? But, strange as it may seem, he doesn't sound to be an uncaring bastard.

PeppermintPasty · 28/09/2011 15:00

What is your gut saying? Apart from the anger that is. Do you want him in your life? (-That may be a daft question as it may be way too soon to think about that)

Original poster
coccyx · 28/09/2011 15:02

Sadly i don't suppose it has come from no where, not if i was being honest. He is a physical man, but i have always had a low sex drive. I have tried to start things off but never manage it. He has never pressured me, or had 'expectations'
No he is a caring husband usually.
I just feel so low. we have been together a long time and feel so let down

OP posts:
Original poster
coccyx · 28/09/2011 15:04

I feel raw. just keep thinking of them together and his deceit.
Sadly the lady in pic was half my size, so that does not help!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 15:17

I am so sorry

This is so sad and so un-necessary

Perhaps your husband thought he was taking the pressure off you by seeking sex elsewhere ?

Why didn't the stupid bugger talk to you about it ? Very selfish of him to make a unilateral decision like this.

Some people in sexless marriages can make this kind of arrangement work. Sometimes both of them get their jollies elsewhere. It can only work, however, if both parties are in agreement with the set up (whatever that may be)

Did he tell you many lies along the way ? It would be the deceit that would kill me, and the fact that he felt entitled to break his marriage vows with no discussion and no warning.

He should have spoken to you. He should have told you the threat that your marriage was facing. Maybe you could have worked together to put it right ?

What do you think his justifications are for this, and when the hurt settles, do you think you could come some way to understanding them ?

Original poster
coccyx · 28/09/2011 15:29

Oddly enough, I had told myself I was really going to make the effort when he came back, to get our intimacy back . What a fool I would have been.
He never lied, because I never really know where he is in Uk. He travels all over. I suppose i may have rung him when he was on his way to see her or leaving.
He likes sex, always has. But he says he likes to be intimate with me, so why did he so easily get intimate with someone else. I am obviously seeing it from a female point of view.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 15:40

There is no female/male POV here

Don't say that, because that implies someone is at fault or places blame squarely at your door. It also excuses him.

It is as simple as this..

if he was unhappy with the intimacy in your marriage, he should have spoken to you about it

Cheating is cheating.

Having said that, and I hope you don't find this a kick in the teeth when you least need it, I couldn't live in a sexless marriage

The difference is though, I would be talking about what the alternatives might be, not making a unilateral decision to hurt someone so profoundly

I am really sorry x

Ticklemonster2 · 28/09/2011 15:42

So sorry for you. Bless you must be feeling so hurt.
The others on this post are right. It's not the time to make decisions right now. All I can say is that for him to stand a chance of any way forward for you both a LOT needs to change. You would, I guess need to start from scratch again. It's just too early to tell.
I am sure that he does love you and not this other person. Men are sadly very different to us. They don't need love and sex to go together.That does not excuse his behaviour though.
Don't torture yourself by thinking about them it will do you no good at all. Busy yourself as much as you can until he returns and you can discuss this.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 15:52

Men are sadly very different to us.

I disagree with this. Men understand what cheating is just as easily as women do.

Malificence · 28/09/2011 16:47

Only you can decide if you can work through this or not, he is or was in the military, I seem to remember your posts on forces sweethearts ( I lurk because I was a military wife for a long time) so he must be used to going without sex for prolonged periods?

He must realise that a poor sex life is often par for the course with a young family, why the hell didn't he tell you he was unhappy before embarking on his infidelites?
Can you deal with a man who can seperate love and sex so easily? How does he think he can repair what he's done, how does he imagine you can improve your joint sex life whilst knowing what he's done - there is a lot of ground to cover with this - he is the only one to blame in all this, you have done nothing wrong - unless he's been telling you for years and you've been fobbing him off that is.

heleninahandcart · 28/09/2011 21:50

This is so sad. Whatever his reasons, he has cheated.

Coccyx you say you never saw this coming but was there something that led you to check the deleted emails? You also mentioned you were thinking of trying to sort the intimacy issues out when he was due back. I am just wondering whether things had already got to crisis point in some way and it wasn't dealt with?

passionsrunhigh · 28/09/2011 22:43

'They don't need love and sex to go together.'
Oh, please, not that old chestnut! Nowadays many women enjoy sex without having to be in love - it's called attraction, sensuality, and knowing your desires, it's called excitement. That's because women are not brainwashed anymore, like they used to be - by the controlling men, for whom it was convenient. Thankfully it's now a personal CHOICE whether she needs love and sex together, or not!
I'm really angry with your H, OP, because he treats like a child who shouldn't worry her liitle head with 'adult stuff'! It's not enough to love someone as a spouse, he should RESPECT you, and not trying to discuss things and find a solution prior to his affair was not respectful at all! Thereis councelling, there are things you could take (herbs, etc) that can effectively raise your libido, but she decided not to bother and to make the decision himself Angry. Give him a chance only if he understands that he must respect you from now on. Whether he's able or not, that's for you to judge.

passionsrunhigh · 28/09/2011 22:47

Equally there are men who'll never cheat on someone they seriously love (as he claims), yes, really! so please let's not litter MN with old cliches about men vs women.

passionsrunhigh · 28/09/2011 22:50

should read 'He decided not to bother, and to make the decision'