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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

never saw it coming.

67 replies

coccyx · 28/09/2011 14:14

Hubby is away on business. I was looking for an old email receipt on his aol e mail account. A deleted message caught my eye, was a pic of a lady in her undies and message from Oh's phone that said 'yummy'.
I have confronted him. He says they meet up every few months just for sex. She is married , hubby not able to have sex, and my oh gets some sex as our physical relationship is virtually zero!
He says he loves me. Not sure what to do. All alone here, apart from children, I would speak to my friends in uk but they are also his friends.

OP posts:
seachange · 28/09/2011 23:09

So sorry Coccyx :(

When is your H due back? What can you do in the meantime - rl friends/family?

Am on iPhone so will post link later, but if you search my name that "surviving infidelity" thread should come up, if you want to read about couples trying to save their marriages. Not sure anyone has posted for a while though. It's HARD but not impossible, if that's what you both want.

So sorry.

seachange · 28/09/2011 23:10

Keep posting. This is when MN can be really great.

ImperialBlether · 28/09/2011 23:36

I'm so sorry you found out about this, OP.

I wonder though whether you realise how hurtful it is when a partner doesn't want intimacy and how much it eats away at your self esteem? You have a low sex drive and assumed he'd put up with that.

I started a thread on this a while ago and got some pretty angry reactions - I assume I'll get them here, too. I'm speaking as someone whose husband rejected me and went on to have other relationships within the marriage, so I suppose I'm coming at it from both sides.

ImperialBlether · 28/09/2011 23:36

And yes, of COURSE he should have spoken to you about it, but it's very, very hard to ask someone why they don't want to be intimate with you. It's soul destroying.

GetOrfMo1Land · 28/09/2011 23:40

I am so sorry.

Why the bloody hell didn't he talk to you about this? Instead of going elsewhere.

You must be feeling awful.

Plus he is out the country and all this must be a nightmare being unable to have a discussion face to face.

passionsrunhigh · 29/09/2011 00:03

'it's very, very hard to ask someone why they don't want to be intimate with you'
Imperial, it's different when things changed noticeably, i.e. if you had passionate sex life in hte past and then he/she lost interest. But in OP's case, she always had a low sex drive, he KNEW it and accepted it, so I don't agree at all that in his case his pride suffered. It's just a fact when a spouse has low sex drive and it's not personal. He is a man as well, and a father, and he should have thought that raising the issue is much more grown up than risking losing his family. The stupid thing is, she ws up to resolving it, she was concerned, but because he never asked she just procrastinated - it could have been resolved with various means, it's not at all impossible - there aer so many speciaists in alternative medicine on this.

passionsrunhigh · 29/09/2011 00:07

OP is obv a very sweet person, she'd never be cruel or blamed her H if he asked her to discuss things. And she was not looking elsewhere either - so it's nothing to do with his sensitivity, he's just taken an easy option. He's bloody patronising, taking decisions for everyone.

IndieNile · 29/09/2011 01:02

OP you say your husband is caring and loves you, you obviously love him too, but it sounds as though you slipped into a cosy fraternal kind of relationship with him, and are now shocked to find that he is still a sexual being despite the long periods of inexistent intimacy between you.

You say you have always had a lower sex-drive than him, this is something that happens in many couples. You have 4 children which take up a lot of energy, and your husband is often away so perhaps you see yourself primarily as a mother rather than a wife. You also comment that the woman in the photo is half your size, so you obviously have body issues too.

None of this is conducive to making you feel like a sex-bomb, I know how hard it can be to make an effort when you are tired and feel you don`t look your best.

Try to work through this problem by talking honestly to your husband when he gets home, this is something that should be discussed face-to-face. Try not to discuss it by phone or text. This will give you both time to calm down a bit and avoid making hasty decisions. I know you feel dreadfully betrayed and hurt, but your husband comes across as a decent man who sounds sorry for what he did.

Listen to what he says, tell him how you feel and try to understand that perhaps you too have a part of responsibility in what has happened. I hope you can work through this blip in your relationship - and that you can both put it behind you.

Original poster
coccyx · 29/09/2011 09:06

Had a very long and tearful talk on the phone. I have never heard him so upset. Said he feels worthless and despises himself for hurting me so much. Sorry he caused me so much pain. I know they are cliches but i do feel they were genuine.
I think I had turned into a mother role with him. I am not excusing him at all. I asked him how he thought I felt seeing the picture, I said he has no idea how betrayed I felt.
We both agreed we should have been looking for answers inside the marriage rather than him going outside.
How do people ever go on to be intimate with a cheating partner again. If it was difficult before , I can't imagine how we will ever have a sex life again. I just keep seeing the picture of her.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 29/09/2011 09:59

OP there is thread somewhere on MN about whether a person who's not getting sex in a relationship, with nothing being done about that fact, should be entitled to look for it elsewhere. You should search that one out because it's a good read.

I know you're upset now but thinking about it logically, is it really such a bad thing? You've said you have a low libido so surely it takes a bit of the pressure off you? Is he a good father? Do you have a good relationship in all other respects?
Having said that, the discussion about the lack of sex should have happened BEFORE he found a FB.

The alternative is to get the whole sex thing out in the open and basically for you, that'll mean committing to having more sex with him... and even that mightn't work. Are you prepared to do that?

It's a tough situation for you to be in but I think you should think very long and hard about it and think of your children also. One thing is for sure, when there's an issue like that, you can't just bury your head in the sand.

Malificence while I don't disagree the op has done anything wrong, I do think that passively ignoring the fact that sex has gone by the wayside isn't the answer either. It's a two-way street imo.

PeppermintPasty · 29/09/2011 10:09

Coccyx in answer to your last post, maybe you're thinking about the intimacy thing too early iyswim? When my DP and I were recovering and rebuilding, or whatever the term is, after he cheated, I couldn't bear the thought of it either. But in time, we worked at all the other stuff as well, and it became a natural next step.

Don't be so hard on yourself about this. You will have lows and highs several times a day if my experience is anything to go by.

And those images will fade, they really will. One day: "pop", they will have disappeared forever, if all the other stuff comes right.

MumblingRagDoll · 29/09/2011 10:12

You don't need to think about sex....not yet! He needs to earn your trust back. The fact that he was unfaithful is not ok just because you two had not had regular sex! It's not.

You need to put sex away and work on the trust.

porcamiseria · 29/09/2011 10:19

i feel for you so much, and I think there are alot of women in the same sexless situation

I also imagine that whilst you love him the thought of him fucking another woman will be in your head alot, so naturall;y you think how the fuck can we regain intimacy again after this!!!!

my bet is he loves you to bits and feels devasted, but he got a selfish willy itch

good luck, the pain will get less

I also think NOW is the time for you to take some time for you, and work on making yourself feel feel sexier, be it exercise/hair/spray tan . Not because you need to, but because I think it will give you more confidence in yourself

xxxx

PetiteRaleuse · 29/09/2011 10:36

Coccyx where are you ? There may be other MNers around whose shoulder you can cry on.

I guess you can't do anything to work on your marriage until he gets back, and that must be very frustrating.

There are ways you can work through this though if you both want to, and I think reading between the lines you do.

Original poster
coccyx · 29/09/2011 10:36

porcamiseria, I did have a smile at the willy itch comment.
Thanks for all the comments, they do help.

OP posts:
Original poster
coccyx · 29/09/2011 10:37

Do you think I should ask him how often they met, which website etc? or am I just going to make myself feel worse.

OP posts:
IndieNile · 29/09/2011 11:10

Dont ask for too many details, you will definitely make yourself feel worse, its like picking at a wound.

He has said he`s sorry and is feeling like shit, you are hurt and feeling like shit. What has happened is the catalyst that is finally making you both look at your marriage and evaluate what you have. From your posts I get the impression that you actually have a good marriage apart from the sex thing.

Obviously the last thing on your mind at the moment is being intimate with him, it will take time and patience. It is harder for you because you have seen the woman`s photo, which makes her real rather than an abstract concept, IYKWIM. But to move on you are going to have to forgive him and learn to trust him again, otherwise this is going to eat away at you. From what I can gather, the woman meant nothing to him sentimentally, it was just sexual encounters. True betrayal IMO is sentimental as well as physical. You are the one he loves.

abedelia · 29/09/2011 12:22

Hmm. You seem to be taking a lot of what he says at face value... and we all know people who have just been caught out are great at telling the whole truth, not just enough to save their skins Hmm.

I do wonder if this woman is aware of how he is presenting the relationship, and I would be inclined (because I am the sort who would rather get the whole truth now and avoid any future surprises that might set me back to the start again - which is truly awful, I have been there) to try and speak with her, though make sure you can do this calmly. I know many will disagree, but that's just my thoughts...

MumblingRagDoll · 29/09/2011 13:01

I agree with abdelia....you need to get him to tell you everything...well not everything but defnately how they met and how often...yu should also be party to any conversation he has with her now to break it off.

I would want to read emails for instance and see him dlete numbers....I would also get him to promise to tell you if she did try to contact him again.

Original poster
coccyx · 29/09/2011 14:08

feels a bit raw to hear all the details.
he said she knows he is married, as is she. They both had sexless marriages, but really wanted to stay with their partner.
I have been crying for an hour. Yesterday I felt really angry, now I feel sad. Very sad. Don't want to speak to him anymore today as all i can think about is them together.
Can people really just meet up for sex? surely has to be some attraction/connection.
I feel so inadequate

OP posts:
shakti · 29/09/2011 14:43

He is inadequate. He made the choice to cheat. Maybe he felt your marriage was lacking but that is a wholly inadequate excuse.

You do, I am afraid, need to know more. There are practical issues re STD but also not knowing may eat at your self confidence in so many ways. He needs to see your pain and truly understand the consequences too. If he does not do this and accept responsibility AND take responsibility for understanding why he was do flawed trust will IMO be impossible to regain.

However, having said this you need time to grieve for the life you thought you had. Be very very kind to yourself, find support and take care. Eating, drinking, exercising, being sociable will all take effort and energy but are so very important.

After all this I am sure that if you both decide to work on your relationship you will identify things you can do to improve it but please do not dwell on these right now. Concentrate on your own life, yes get your hair done in between cuddling your dc and ordering in pizza because you can't face planning, preparing and eating a meal.

Just do not feel responsible for his actions, in any way. You can only be responsible for your own and it will take time to do that in anything other than a day to day way.

HotBurrito1 · 29/09/2011 14:50

We don't know all the ins and outs of what has gone on, but he chose this course of action. You are not inadequate.

You are bound to be all 'at sea' for a while yet, I don't really have any advice other than to look after yourself. Things will get better.

Original poster
coccyx · 29/09/2011 18:19

Why do I feel worse today than yesterday. I feel like I am grieving.
He rang and said he would do whatever I asked. I just cried back ' Do I need to tell you to stop seeing her, having sex with her." Had to put phone down as children sensing something is wrong.

OP posts:
ChampagneShowers · 29/09/2011 22:13

Not much good at this, but I didn't want you to go unanswered. I think you may feel worse today as it's sinking in more, the shock may be wearing off.
I really feel for you. I hope you are able to find peace one way or another.