Straw poll: is it socially unacceptable for right handed child to use fork in right hand and knife in left?

[saffycat]

My dh is driving my mad! This may seem like a very small issue but is having huge consequences.My ds aged 12 (his stepson) prefers to use fork in right and knife in left hand. This enrages my dh to the point where he says he will refuse to eat meals with him if he continues - effectively forcing me to eat with either him and dd ostracising my son or eat with ds and cause a rift between us. Ds is upset at dh's insistence and says 'why can't he realise that we are just different?' ds is very upset and very sensitive anything that reinforces his perception that dh dissaproves of him. Dh refuses to budge on this issue. I think mealtimes should be a harmonious time for families to connect with each other and that building bridges with my son is so much more important than a point of principle. Aaaaarrgh!

why would anyone care what hand you hold your fork with as long as you don't eat like a pig?

I reckon a crack team of MNers would be a very serious force to be reckoned with... If we can get this impassioned about cutlery, just think what we could do with Unnecessary Noise and dropping of takeaway boxes, not to mention the people who must be aware that their car is making the most godawful racket but are choosing to ignore it...

...the MN rage is almost to much to contemplate...

But yet, methinks there is some tai chi/zen thing with MN which overpowers the bloodlust...or summat...

I agree that people will silently judge non-conformist cutlery users in formal settings. Crap but definitely the case. The stepdad sounds like a twatweevil, however.

I'm genuinely shocked at this thread, what a pointless, insignificant thing to be concerned with.

I'm right handed and eat left handed and know of left handed people who eat right handed. Not once has it ever been mentioned to me in my entire life. It just feels natural to me to eat that way and I have perfectly good table manners. This is the first time I've ever heard it mentioned as "not the done thing". Really there are much bigger problems in the world.

As for other people I probably wouldn't even notice which hand they write and/or eat with and then concern myself with comparing, seriously why would I care? What does irritate me is noisy eaters and people who don't close their mouth whilst chewing. My stepkids can sometimes do this but whilst I'd maybe mention it to my OH on the quiet (who would probably have already noticed himself) I would never make them feel embarrassed about it in front of others, to be honest OP's DH sounds like a bully to me.

I feel very sorry for the OP's son having to deal with a stepfather who makes him feel uncomfortable about something so small and insignificant. I know if my OH did this with my children he wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Don't sweat the small stuff, there are plenty of real issues that need to be stressed over.

My dad was a real pain about table manners. Mum used to make sure we were fed as soon as we got in from school, before he got home. I'm sure this was so she didn't have to hear him moaning.
In consequence I'm very lax about table manners. I'm just delighted if DD2 eats anything.
She often eats left handed. She learnt to do it when she broke her wrist.

I do this. Always have. I have very good table manners, but it feels very odd to me to hold my fork in my left hand.

People really aren't listening are they? It's only a social convention because it was not socially acceptable to be left handed, hence the tying up of left arms that everyone keeps ignoring. As we are now not stupid enough to think there is anything evil in being left handed we are surely not stupid enough to think anything of people using their hands in whatever way is most comfortable for them. Everyone defending this social convention is spectacularly missing the point.

A friend of mine, not Catholic, Australian in case it's of any interest, had his left hand tied. He's not elderly, he's my age ffs, 40. His writing is illegible, he is utterly rubbish at anything that involves using his hands yet he cannot revert to his natural left handedness. It's all part of the same thing and, just as you have defended your right to quietly judge I'll defend my right to think that people who don't understand this or chooses to ignore it are a little bit stupid. I have a left handed 3yo and I will 'allow' her to eat whichever way is most comfortable for her. Anything else would be ridiculous.

I'm another right hander who eats with the fork in my right hand. Probably because I grew up in a 'shovelling' household! If i try and eat the right way I make a massive mess. I use my left hand for lots of other daily stuff as well.

If i ever got turned down for a job for eating 'the wrong way' then I'd think they'd done me a massive favour to be honest. There is no way I'd want to work for a company where such things are important.

You do not have a DH, you have a H who is controlling. Eat with your son in harmony and let your H do his own cooking & eat on his own. I feel for your son. My DS (24) has always held his fork in his right hand & knife in his left. I have never, ever known anyone criticise him for it. If your DS obliged his SF, the latter would just find something else about which to lay down the law.

I'm right handed and eat left handedly.

It was only ever a problem when at my grandparents house - they disliked it immensely and used to try and force me to use my cutlery 'properly'. Thing is, when i do, it looks so kak-handed and messy that they eventually gave in and let me get on with it.

I too think that the OP's 'D' H needs a hobby - one that doesn't involve him pickin on his stepson.

Thanks again everyone :) We talked about it this morning, I held my ground, explaining that I did not think there was anything wrong with the way DS eats and that his making a big deal about it would be bad for his relationship with DS and bad for his relationship with me. DH said 'i suppose I'll have to cave in over this one' but also said he thought that my refusal to insist that DS eats the 'right' way showed that I my priority was DS not 'us'. In his defence I have to say that he is normally a quiet gentle loving person but he does have issues with DS that sometimes make things v difficult for DS and me. I think he feels a tad threatened by my love for DS. Anyone else have step parenting difficulties?

Put your ds first. Please. From an adult whose mother didn't do that as a child.

So long as he holds the knife properly- that is, not like a pen, and eats nicely and unobtrusively, the hand used shouldn't matter. The knife like a pen thing is the biggie. And the fork like a shovel.

I think your DH is utterly and totally wrong about this.

It is important that children learn good table manners, and handle all weaponry appropriately at all times (eg no waving knives around at eye level, even if you have reached the dramatic point in a really good story).

Left handed or right handed makes no difference whatsoever, and is unrelated to handedness for other activities.

I'd let DH eat alone until he comes to his senses.

(If that doesn't happen soon - ie if this isn't something random that has briefly become overblown - then I'd start wondering about wider controlling tendencies).

I do this too.

The dinner ladies were always taking my knife and fork off me and swapping it round. It never made any difference.

saffycat: just seen your last - could I suggest that if you want to ask wider step-parenting questions, you start a new thread? I think your more general question might be overlooked this far down a long thread.

There is also a separate step-parenting board where you might find helpful advice.

i don't give a shite how anyone holds their cutlery, and it genuinely baffles me that anyone else does. it's like caring which way someone ties their shoelaces ffs.

unless your ds is holding his cutlery like shovels and shovelling it into his gob like a pig at a trough then it doesn't matter a jot how he holds it.

i've been with dh for nearly 10 years and i haven't got a clue how he holds his knife and fork, because it doesn't matter.
i can't even tell you how my mum, dad or sisters hold theirs.

can't believe people can be so uptight about something so unimportant.

did your dh go to some sort of finishing school for men?

I'm ambidextrous and eat with the knife in my left hand. DS is right handed and is finding it more comfortable to est the same way. I have no problem with this. I also agree with GwendolineMaryLacey that the previously "proper" way to eat was entirely bound up with the idea that it was wrong to be left handed.

And I've been to some very formal "do"s where I have seen some very posh people eat lefthanded. Table manners are about how you eat, not which hand you eat with.

I'm left handed and eat left-handedly. It is not 'wrong' to be a lefty you know - just wired differently in that the right brain is dominant. The word left comes from 'sinister' so that may be why there are a lot of negative connotations around it. BTW you can be right handed and also right brained which may explain why some people write with the right but kick with the left foot or catch a ball with their left hand (or eat the 'wrong' way!). It's not as if there is a rigid dividing line separating the brain hemispheres - they overlap/interconnect.

My aunt was beaten with a ruler at school to force her to use her right hand - can't imagine it did wonders for her confidence. Sounds just as crazy as beating people for having a different colour of hair or skin!

I also play guitar left handed. I did try and practice right handedly but it felt completely unnatural to me. Is that socially unacceptable? Maybe someone should tell Paul McCartney then.

As others have pointed out the behaviour of the OP's DH is the real problem here. He sounds like he is trying to impose his authority/will and it seems more important that he is seen to 'triumph' than that he listens to the child's mother or considers the feelings of a child. Even if he does think that DS should eat differently the OP doesn't and he needs to respect her views. What harm is it causing DH? He might even be jealous of their close relationship and be trying to put a wedge between them. IMHO I think he is showing potential red flags for control freakery and I would be careful and put him under very close scrutiny. DS should always come first and he is already experiencing his mum's new partner bossing him around and criticising him for who he naturally is.

Saffycat, you ask if anyone else has sp issues. I cant stand DPs kids- they eat like pigs! It will probably be the thing that ends our relationship.

Totally agree with northwhitch about husband and his treatment of your DS. Alarm bells are sounding and you need to be strong OP and realise your son is your priority before your husband. He's an adult but if you let him bully you and DS is will damage DS for the rest of his life. Don't let this happen and watch out for further incidents as there will be more.

Spongefinger - you are right, my priority must be my son and his wellbeing. Sometimes when issues between them arise I feel desperate to make it 'alright' again - by making up to with DH and trying to show that i am listening to him but with very gentle discussion to restate my point of view. Today, with support of mumsnetters I felt strong and able to express my point of view with DS interests at heart without feeling desperate to smooth things over between me and DH ASAP. It has been a rather silent and frosty day, but I feel better for knowing that I am acting in defence of my lovely boy.

I hold my knife and fork in the "wrong " hands.

Noone ( including me) noticed till I was in my 20s.

It was too late to change