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Original poster

Looking at other women...

42 replies

ArtyFartyPants · 19/09/2011 22:19

I was having a discussion with a few mates about our DP's looking at other women and how if affects them. My view is that they are MALE they're going to look you won't be able to stop them. I know my DP admires other women when he's out but he's not disrespectful to do it whilst he's out with me. A couple of my friends say their DP's do and they've had full blown arguements over it! One even slapped her DP and stormed off! Same one even hides magazines from him so he can't perv at the women in there....
How do you ladies view your DP/DH 'perving' at other women?

OP posts:
LeBOF · 19/09/2011 22:21

I'm not sure why Male = Rude in your world. But then i don't have mates given to random violent tantrums either Confused

Original poster
ArtyFartyPants · 19/09/2011 22:23

LeBof

Erm

What?? Hmm

OP posts:
EllieG · 19/09/2011 22:26

Don't know where to start on this one really.....

No, DH doesn't look. It's rude, disrespectful, and anyway, he likes me best. Why on earth would it be OK for him to be eyeing up other women? I wouldn't be with someone like that. I wouldn't do that myself, so why is it OK if a man?

Original poster
ArtyFartyPants · 19/09/2011 22:31

I dont see a problem in finding someone attractive, as long as you don't cross the boundaries. I often see handsome men, I chat to them every day in my line of work, but I love my DP and to me no one can come close. Hopefully he knows this! He also knows that I'm the best he can get so I don't care if his eyes stray GrinWink

OP posts:
tortilla · 19/09/2011 22:40

My DH will notice an attractive woman and probably comment to me that she is pretty/has nice hair/beautiful eyes etc. I don't mind as I say similar to him about men I see. Neither of us takes it as a judgment on each other's attractiveness - we're comfortable enough with our relationship that we don't see this as a threat and this is not a major part of our nights out and in fact on most nights out doesn't occur. And certainly neither of us is 'perving' (which sounds grim, like something lechy old western men do in Bangkok clubs). It is perfectly normal to find other people attractive, but it isn't particularly nice or respectful to 'perve' all over other women/men when out with your DP. Perhaps your friends felt that their DPs had crossed the line. It doesn't make you a better or cooler or more understanding DP than them just because you don't find this sort of behaviour obnoxious and disrespectful.

localcrackpot · 19/09/2011 23:00

DH doesn't look at other women when we're together - obviously I don't know about other times. Equally he's quite short sighted so she'd probably have to be between him and whatever he was looking at in Comet Grin

Our rule with each other is that we don't perve on other people, flirt, crush on celebrities etc - it would hurt the other one, so we don't. Obviously what's in your own head's your own business, but that's our deal, if you like.

looner · 20/09/2011 00:23

crackpot - Comet - LOL !
I don't like it if my DH constantly eyes up other women when we're out, he thinks this is unreasonable and says he can't help it :(

SingOut · 20/09/2011 00:38

Can I vaguely hijack and ask about crushing on celebs/attractive people off the telly or mutual friends etc. crackpot your post gave me pause for thought.

Would any of you be bothered if your boyfriend was upfront about when he thought someone was sexy/attractive etc? As I'm having a bit of an issue with someone I'm seeing doing this, I'm not really so outspoken and finding it a bit hurtful though I know it's not meant as a slight but is just honesty and the person feeling relaxed about being upfront about such things. I don't want to poss on their parade in that sense.

What do you do if your 'crush styles' differ in a relationship? I have the odd celeb/real life crush but I don't make much of it if I'm dating. Difficult because I've just got together with this person and we were friends before, and talked frankly about crushes then so I feel like I'm turning into a jealous harpy and moving the goalposts about what is acceptable now that we're going out.
I haven't mentioned anything yet as I don't know what to say. It's my problem/an incompatibility, right? Or is he being disrespectful?
Argh.

SingOut · 20/09/2011 00:40

Oh, er - piss, not poss Grin

looner · 20/09/2011 00:45

I don't think he's being disrespectful because he doesn't know how you feel about it (presumably).

If I knew it upset my DH if I talked to him about having a crush on someone, celeb or real life, I wouldn't talk to him about it.
However, it's a bit difficult for you because you say you used to discuss crushes openly when you were just friends. You can't help how you feel, so I think you should probably just tell him. You could always say something like - I feel really silly, but when you say 'blah' I find it upsetting.

SingOut · 20/09/2011 00:55

Thanks, I think perhaps I will next time we talk/meet. He lives a few hours drive away which doesn't help.

I'm wary of making someone constrained if we are just incompatible, if it's going to be an issue it would be easier to bail now as we've just started going out, iyswim.

MumblingRagDoll · 20/09/2011 01:16

My DH has had special blinkers....designed by me...which were stitched on by a top surgeon. Whenever a woman who is above a 5 in looks comes near him, the blinkers automatically close over his pupils renderig him blind for 30 seconds. Which is usually enough for him to move away from the danger zone.

So I'm alright Jack.

MumblingRagDoll · 20/09/2011 01:18

Of course they look! They do it when we're not looking and the ones who say they don't are lying.

[nods wisely]

LeBOF · 20/09/2011 01:26

Everybody looks, if they notice, fleetingly, of course they do. But there is a difference between clocking someone and salivating over them, which is rude whether you are alone or accompanied.

PoppaRob · 20/09/2011 01:59

Everyone notices attractive people. Men react and give the game away - women say nothing and go about their business. As with many things women are just better at it.

Celebrity crushes... Who cares? Neither Lauren Graham (the Mum from Gilmore Girls) nor Cobie Smulders (Robyn from How I Met Your Mother) even know I exist. Wink

Toadinthehole · 20/09/2011 02:17

PoppaRob,

I will 'notice' women. I don't know what my DW would think about this because I'm pretty discreet about it. My view is that it is disrespectful if it is obvious, either to the woman concerned or any other onlooker.

My DW will occasionally comment on a good looking man on television. Naturally I can't understand her taste at all.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 20/09/2011 03:52

My DH doesn't perve at other women - he's not 15, after all. Hmm

I'm sure he notices other women though - just as I may notice a good looking male. Why do you say 'they is MALE', with capital letters as if this is something which just afflicts men, and not PEOPLE? I don't understand the issue you are creating.

As for slebs, yeah, we know who each other fancies. On DH's list is Rachel Weisz, Kristen S-T, Ava Gardner, Liv Tyler and one or two others. I'm as good looking and better craic than all of them (especially Ava since she's 6 feet under Wink ), so I'm not too threatened. :)

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 20/09/2011 03:53

'they are MALE'... Hmm Grin

Morloth · 20/09/2011 04:44

What do you mean by look?

I look, when I see a particularly attractive person (male or female in my case), sometimes if someone is very attractive I might point them out to DH (obviously not rudely so the person notices!).

He will do so as well, but less often and never for a man.

What he doesn't do is stare or drool or make crass comments.

We are married, not dead.

pinkytheshrinky · 20/09/2011 05:51

Morloth - yes exactly.

I know my DH look at other women and appreciates them - he doesn't make crass comments , he is very respectful of women and admires them in a nice way.

Rather helpfully we have the same taste in women so I will often say something nice about a lovely looking woman and he will agree - it is not threatening at all.

aurynne · 20/09/2011 05:57

I am surprised that the comment "One even slapped her DP and stormed off" has not even been commented on... I suspect that if the genders were reversed it would have caused a hurricane.

I look at attractive men, my DP looks at attractive women, and we both make comments about them. The fact that we are deeply in love with one another does not make us blind, or unaware of beauty. People who have a problem with this are showing their own insecurities, IMO.

JennaP · 20/09/2011 06:30

Both my partner and I look at and appreciate other people; we are human and beautiful things naturally catch you eye. I think there is a difference between looking and staring and then flirting. I don't mind him looking but I would mind if he started to stare or flirt. It's about mutual respect, he told me early on that he doesn't mind me looking or even talking to a man sat next to me at a wedding but he would mind if i started to flirt with a random stranger in front of him.

weevilswobble · 20/09/2011 06:39

I think that if you think your DH/DP loves you just for how you look then you will always feel insecure. Maybe you only love him for the way he looks. (sorry, just hypothecising) sp?
But on the other hand if you know he loves you because you are thoughtful, funny, considerate and above all really know him and understand him, then looking is just looking. You have to be confident in yourself and in why you are in the relationship. If your DP/DW is gonna slap you for just looking then i too would be fantasing about a woman who knows, understands and cares about me enough to not go round slapping and humiliating in public.

weevilswobble · 20/09/2011 06:45

My DP had 2 weeks in Greece with his 2 DS, he said single women were a plenty and he had offers. I said if thats what you want take it. I wont stand in the way of your happiness. But he said he thought whats the point when he has something much better at home. If you love someone set them freeeeeee. If they love you they wont want to be free! Iyswim!

RoyalWelsh · 20/09/2011 07:00

DP and I often find the same women attractive. It's mostly women on TV though. He would never leer or lech over women in the street.

Actually, he walked past Kate Middleton the other day and when he told me I made some comment like "oh is she as stunning as she appears on the TV?" and he said "well she's quite pretty, but why would I want her when I have you waiting at home?"

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