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Original poster

cross and confused

94 replies

bloodypissedoff · 17/09/2011 00:30

Cross with myself really and not sure how to make life better....

Brief story.

Husband, who I though adored me, had an affair. He left me and dc and went to live with MIL shortly after being found out. At that point OW had decided to stay with her husband. Over months she changed her mind, bad timing because husband was talking about starting to date (me) again and perhaps coming home. Anyway big crunch, he choose her over me and dc, but then she changed her mind. He was very sad and due to other things moved home for a while and never moved out again (despite being asked to).

That was three years ago. He is still here and I still do not feel loved. He says he loves me (but I am sure he is not in love with me). What I do know is that he never ever wants to be as cruel as he was again. I fell to bits when he moved out and begged and begged for him to come back etc etc - he was very cruel, cruel to be kind perhaps as he was positive he would not come back and I should stop hoping and move on.

Now I wake up every day with someone who says he loves me, but whose only concession to me saying I do not feel loved is to say he will try. He tries(!), is nice for a few days and even gives me a hug or two and then it wears off.

Sex was always a big part of out relationship - we have not made love much at all this year and not for last month. He says he has got out of the habit!!!!

I cried this evening and said that this was a living death, because he does not have OW to go to he says he wants to be with children...oh and me. He is actually a decent chap and does not want to hurt me again. BUT this hurts, a lot.

so tonight more tears and he may move out...on the other hand it might all blow over for a month or so...again

I just don't know what to think and do. This is breaking my heart, But my children are better for having their dad back home. But for fucks sake three years! three fucking years...I just don't know what to do or how to do it.

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 17/09/2011 00:43

You poor thing, that was really heartbreaking to leave.

You may not like this, but I think you have to start living your life for yourself. He may love being in the home with you and the children, but can you honestly put up with this? Hardly any sex and affection?

Did you ever consider counselling? I'd have thought it should have been something he should have suggested if he wanted things to work out.

I don't envy your position, but as someone going through their own shit at the moment, I am starting to realise that I have to think about ME and what I want. maybe it is hard for you to actually feel that way after always thinking of him and your children.

Of course it is going to be hard, but I know I could not be with someone that did not love me, did not even make any effort to try and work things out and would hardly ever have sex with me.

Your self esteem must be on the floor. It's time to take back a bit of power here. Have it out with him. If he is not prepared to improve things, then it has to end.

Bluebelle38 · 17/09/2011 00:44

Sorry, heartbreaking to read, not leave!

Bogeyface · 17/09/2011 00:47

He is actually a decent chap and does not want to hurt me again

He is not a decent chap because he is hurting you NOW and he knows it and is doing it anyway.

You know what you want to do. You know that you are worth so much more than this, but I think that you need the strength to do it. ie. leave.

This man has treated you dreadfully and he needs to know the consequences of that. "He may move out or he may not" What about you kicking him out? take the choice away from him! Dont let him have this much control over your life and your happiness! He is playing silly buggers because he thinks that you will let him. So dont. Take the control back and get rid.

I am not normally of the "leave the bastard" group but this time I really think that you should. Go to counselling on your own and they will help you to accept not only what you want and need, but they will help you get the strength to do it.

Original poster
bloodypissedoff · 17/09/2011 01:02

We did some counselling when the affair was new, ongoing? Fresh anyway. Three different counsellors. Th first one told me I was too needy and to smarten myself up and get my act together, the second that he should leave and I needed to face up. The third that being the child of an alcoholic meant it was me that had a problem.

He will not go again. I have asked.

He has been my best friend all my adult life.

I cant leave, would not leave children. He has been asked, but to be honest he hasn't and I think that it is because he does not think I mean it. He knows I love him.

I am not sure at all that this is correct but I think I had a major breakdown at first. All the usual. All day in bed, suicidal thoughts being a terrible mother. I have stopped ADs (mid July) and do not want to go back on. I want to sort myself out.

I want him to be in love with me. I cant live with the look of pity he has for me. I have asked him to tell me he loves me, a lot, to help me belieive, he doesn't.

OP posts:
sternface · 17/09/2011 01:03

The truth?

I don't think it ever was likely to work all the time you knew you were second best and that if the OW hadn't been a game-player and chosen him, he would have stayed away.

I also think he is still being cruel, although you might have got so used to extreme cruelty 3 years ago, that your radar is skewed and you don't see what he is doing as cruelty. It is.

If you don't feel loved by a cruel man who doesn't want sex with you, it's time to call it quits. Sorry.

Original poster
bloodypissedoff · 17/09/2011 01:12

To be fair to him when he does try I have real difficult letting him in. I hurt so much

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 17/09/2011 01:13

Honey do you want to live a life where you are his second choice? He is only with you because the OW did not want him.

You could do so much better on your own or in time with someone else.

Original poster
bloodypissedoff · 17/09/2011 01:16

I feel like I ma going mad. He tells me that the friendship etc we have is more than most couples, should I settle for this. I want to be loved but there is not exactly a queue building up an children would want us both to live with them?

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 17/09/2011 01:17

God, no don't settle for this. His heart isn't in it and he could just shoot off again. He is holding court now because it suits him. What about you?

Original poster
bloodypissedoff · 17/09/2011 01:20

Me?

Sad, lonely, feel like shit and scared...very scared

OP posts:
sternface · 17/09/2011 01:21

How old are your children OP?

Bluebelle38 · 17/09/2011 01:23

Of course you are scared, but what is worse, staying in this situation for the rest of your life or doing something to make your life happy for you?

Original poster
bloodypissedoff · 17/09/2011 01:23

17, 14 and 12

OP posts:
Original poster
bloodypissedoff · 17/09/2011 01:24

I believe having children means a lifelong commitment

OP posts:
sqweegiebeckenheim · 17/09/2011 01:30

a commitment to your kids maybe, but not a life sentence. He sounds horrendous. sorry. you poor thing.

Original poster
bloodypissedoff · 17/09/2011 01:32

He is not horrendous, he has made mistakes but is trying to b a good man, He stays, I think, because he loves his children and does not want to hurt me,

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 17/09/2011 01:33

Oh sweetheart :(

You are hanging on in there because you love him and are waiting for him to love you too. But you know that he doesnt dont you? You know that he is only there because hs OW blew him off and he will be off as soon as he finds another OW.

You need counselling ALONE. Not with him, but for you. To help you get your self esteem back and to help you see that you are worth more than hanging around for the crumbs from his table.

Do you really love him or do you love the man you thought he was pre-affair? Because that man doesnt exist, I have learned that myself about my H. He isnt the man you thought he was and i think that you need assistance in accepting that.

The man he is has not only cheated on you but has allowed you, watched you and encouraged you to suffer through 3 YEARS of pain and loss and is telling you that suffering that pain for the rest of you life is the best you can hope for. Do you love that man? Really?

sternface · 17/09/2011 01:33

Okay, then you have to step back a bit and ask yourself how much of this is to do with the children's needs, or your unwillingness to let go? Your H was cruel to them too, 3 years ago and yes, there might be a bit of denial going on with them that you are all one happy family again. But given their ages, they know this isn't right, you know.

At this age, they can spend as much time as they like with separated parents. Of course they might prefer that you were together, but they also haven't lived the alternative have they? All they've known for the past 3 years is abandonment by their father, followed by recriminations and their poor Mum feeling that her world has ended.

The alternative of two parents striking out and being happier apart is unknown to them, but probably infinitely preferable to their current family life.

But I have the feeling it's not the children who are the stumbling block. It's you.

solidgoldbrass · 17/09/2011 01:36

Oh what a dreadful situation. You can't carry on like this. The message he's giving you is that he wants his dinner cooked, his pants washed, to be able to live in the same house as his DC but not to have to love you or treat you like a human being in return. He is massively taking advantage of you - unfortunately you have got into a mindset of being needy and desperate and thinking you'll die if he leaves.
You won't. You'll be happier without the constant thought at the back of your mind that if you are not sufficiently obedient he will leave.
And I know you have said that he will refuse to leave the family home, but what he is threatening you with is leaving the relationship ie he is going to have sex with other women when he feels like it and you can't stop him.
You can get him out of the house or at least have the house sold and get your share. You don't have to be his domestic servant forever. Please get some counselling for yourself on how to get out of this miserable way of living.

FabbyChic · 17/09/2011 01:38

He stays because it is what he knows, men are creatures of habit. If he was to have another affair and she would have him he would leave and think nothing of leaving you behind.

Children do not mean you have to be in a loveless relationship, every body deserves to be loved, to feel loved, or why would you be with someone otherwise?

Bogeyface · 17/09/2011 01:39

He is not horrendous, he has made mistakes but is trying to b a good man

He is failing

He stays, I think, because he loves his children and does not want to hurt me,
He can love his children regardless, it doesnt mean that you have to put up with this. And him staying because he doesnt want to hurt you isnt working is it? OK so it works for him because it salves his conscience but you are still hurting, so it isnt working!

Original poster
bloodypissedoff · 17/09/2011 01:43

He knows I am a mess - he offered to have sofa tonight! He says (and i believe him) he regrets what happened aand does not want to hurt me or indeed anyone.

I ma so tired of it all, I don't want to do this any more.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 17/09/2011 01:43

I have disagreed with SGB and Fabby quite alot, but both of them and Sternface have really hit the button.

Please please, get some individual counselling to help you see that your children are not the reason for you to stay with him, they are your excuse for not leaving.

Original poster
bloodypissedoff · 17/09/2011 01:51

I can't leave. Yes children are an excuse but bloody good one.

So sad

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 17/09/2011 01:57

I can see that you dont want to disrupt your childrens lives but in 10 years they will have left you to live their own lives. Then what?

Do you really want to be with a man who doesnt love you then, safe in the knowledge that you wasted 13 years on him?

I say again, get some counselling for yourself because online help wont help you in the way that proper RL counselling can.

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