cross and confused

[bloodypissedoff]

Cross with myself really and not sure how to make life better....

Brief story.

Husband, who I though adored me, had an affair. He left me and dc and went to live with MIL shortly after being found out. At that point OW had decided to stay with her husband. Over months she changed her mind, bad timing because husband was talking about starting to date (me) again and perhaps coming home. Anyway big crunch, he choose her over me and dc, but then she changed her mind. He was very sad and due to other things moved home for a while and never moved out again (despite being asked to).

That was three years ago. He is still here and I still do not feel loved. He says he loves me (but I am sure he is not in love with me). What I do know is that he never ever wants to be as cruel as he was again. I fell to bits when he moved out and begged and begged for him to come back etc etc - he was very cruel, cruel to be kind perhaps as he was positive he would not come back and I should stop hoping and move on.

Now I wake up every day with someone who says he loves me, but whose only concession to me saying I do not feel loved is to say he will try. He tries(!), is nice for a few days and even gives me a hug or two and then it wears off.

Sex was always a big part of out relationship - we have not made love much at all this year and not for last month. He says he has got out of the habit!!!!

I cried this evening and said that this was a living death, because he does not have OW to go to he says he wants to be with children...oh and me. He is actually a decent chap and does not want to hurt me again. BUT this hurts, a lot.

so tonight more tears and he may move out...on the other hand it might all blow over for a month or so...again

I just don't know what to think and do. This is breaking my heart, But my children are better for having their dad back home. But for fucks sake three years! three fucking years...I just don't know what to do or how to do it.

It does sound as if he had the classic mlc and was able to compromise his integrity by convincing himself that it was stuff of soulmates when, in reality, he had a tawdry affair with a selfish bitch who ate him up and spat him out.

Honey, you are the kind of woman who should have him, and others, grovelling at her feet!

Only you can do it - and, believe me, you CAN do it. Get out there and strut your stuff, be lightheartedly charming to him, and leave him wondering what you're up to and what he's missing out on.

The irony is that, once you've shown him the error of his thinking, your self-esteem will be rock solid and you may not give a fuck what he thinks - or does.

Izzy is absolutely right, I couldnt have put it better!

Back again

I have done some positive stuff; gone out with a girlfriend, rang another friend who lives abroad, walked a little more (although atm still so low it does not fill my with the peace I know it can), applying for new jobs...just trying in little ways to get it together. I even stopped doing DH washing as I was so fed up with having to ask if he could put it away when I had washed/folded it! That was a corker and eventually when he had to get shorts out of the dirty washing to wear he has done a lot of it!

Nonetheless another mini meltdown last night - mini in my current measurements, probably major by most scales!

May I tell you what promoted it? I just don't know now what to expect from a normal respectful relationship and am afraid I have over reacted again.

Thursday I dyed my hair...it is quite different and he did not notice. At the same time I tried to get rid of my beard (I know I am sooo attractive!) and burnt my face with the cream. He did not notice. I said nothing - trying not to beg for attention you see. Friday evening I suggested and he agreed that we got on with a big garden job together in the sunshine on Saturday. This was a bit of a fantasy thing - I even imagined us listening to music outside while doing it!

Saturday morning he set alarm and got up to watch the rugby. He then watched television with no more that a word or two exchanged abut cups of tea until 2.30. I did not remind about garden job - I am fed up of reminding. Anyway I then decided to go for walk and said bye. He leapt up and said he wanted to come with me. We walked, I tried at one point to talk to him (I had already said that I had done hair and felt as though he did not see me any more). This attempt was greeted with a sigh and one of those 'she is going to go off on one again' looks. I shut up. Sat eve just tea and tv etc.

Sunday, he was out until 4 he played footie in morning, and then watched son after coming home for a quick shower). He cam in at 4 and literally pushed by me in bedroom (he said excuse me) where I was standing talking to a son and cousin, grabbed his ipad and settled down to watch check football results.

He then helped a little with preparing veg for tea (he has already complained about my plans for a roast given that it was so hot but everything was bought and Monday planned around the leftovers!). He then went back to TV. I stayed in kitchen doing some cleaning, tidying and job hunting in between basting etc etc. I also spent two hours trying to get son number two to do some washing and take a shower. Asking repeatedly - all with no support for husband although even my brother who was here twigged that I was getting increasingly stressed and struggling. Eventually I asked for support (oh how I hate asking). Thee was a sentence or two from him to son...next contact was serving dinner.

Evening - well tv again. A programme I enjoyed though.

So by the time we went to bed last night I was really low and upset. I feel utterly invisible. I told him and it disintegrated in the usual he says he loves me I say that is hard to believe...he lies etc etc over the space of about 20 mins. I say I want him to leave, he says but I wanted him to stay etc etc. He was tired, I was crying and it was going nowhere. I went downstairs and came to bed about 5.30.

Please tell me - is it extraordinarily needy to want to be more visible in someone else's eyes? To do things as agreed without having to 'nag'? To expect any contact really? He wants to spend weekends relaxing - that means using any energy he has doing sport and the rest of the time in front of the TV. He thinks and I agree hat it is unfair to expect him to give up sport...but there is no time for us. Is there an 'us' anyway? He says he wants to try and make things work, I think he means he wants a peaceful life. Brass - I think you would take a view on this :-).

I feel as though I am asking/expecting too much? Although I am not quite sure what I am asking for? Last time he took me out for supper I cried too. Not a lot of fun for anyone really.

Oh dear, this is no way to live.
You really need to detach yourself from him completely and start living life on your own terms, doing things that will make you happy - it will help your self esteem enormously.

Oh and have just checked...tonight he is going to football training.

You are asking nothing more than the basic love and respect that anyone in a relationship should expect. Couple the fact that he treats you like nothing more than a glorified(invisible) housekeeper (unpaid, natch) with the fact that he has done nothing to deal with his affair then I fail to see what, if anything, is in this for you? He is clearly incredibly selfish, why the hell shouldnt he give up atleast some of his sport? When do you get to sod off for a day at the weekend? When was the last time you had a good few hours to yourself? I bet it isnt every week is it?

He has broken your marriage and he has done nothing to mend it, yet expects you to put up with living like that for the rest of your life. He is a horrible selfish man who thinks more of himself than you and how you feel. He doesnt care that his behaviour is making you miserable, but turns it round to you being unreasonable when you complain. If he truly wanted to make things work he would take your comments and ask why you feel like that, what can he do to make things better etc. But he doesnt, he just turns around and attacks you, because he knows deep down, that he is in the wrong and he doesnt like having it thrust under his nose like that.

What do you want to do with your life from now? Do you really think that splitting up with him would be worse than living the rest of your life with him and having what little confidence you have left, eroded into nothing?

IMO you can't go on like this. It's not a marriage in any proper sense. He's go to improve or go.

H

Whoops!

He does ask what he can do to make me feel better. Over the years I have asked for counselling. He says no. I have asked him to tell me he loves me. He tells me when I cry. Sometimes he 'remembers' to tell me when we have sex, although lucky if that is once a month right now. He does not fancy me/sex. Apart from those few times he dies not say it. I can only conclude he doesn't. Until the next time I cry and say it is over anyway.

I have asked him to arrange to take me out. Nothing. I have told him that if he changed the bed and made it lovely and fresh I would feel cared for. I have said that coming for walks with me would help. He does that once a fortnight.

I have also said I want to be touched, hugged, held. He dies sometimes try this but gives up. He gives up because I am so tight and scared I can't respond. I think it is all too little too late. Most of all I know he no longer finds me attractive neither does he enjoy my company.

Just to balance things out a little.

He is a very good dad, a lovely son in law to my mum, kind, generous, works hard. Will do things around the house if asked, has the most wonderful eyes in the world, gives great hugs, does not moan about me spending money on wine when we are very broke, is happy for me to feed friends and family most nights of the week, again although we are broke. He will cook meals as long as completely planned and shopped for. He works hard to help support us all.

He does have many many good points - he is very attractive too!

I agree with Bogeyface, work on yourself via counselling or similar. Sometimes we have to ask not what is wrong with him, but what is wrong with me for putting up with it. Consider ALL your options, the more options you have the happier and more in control you will feel. Good luck.

He may be all of those wonderful things, I dont doubt that.

But does he make you happy?

He asks what you want him to do but he always has a reason why he cant do them, and then you blame yourself.

Does this marriage make you happy? Are you in love with him or in love with the man you thought you were married to?

Are you frightened of saying "I cant live this life anymore" incase you are wrong? Are you waiting for him to leave so that if your life goes to hell then it will be his fault and not yours? FYI, it is more likely to go to hell if you let him make the decisions. If you decide to the leave and things are less than perfect, atleast you will know that you are where you are by your own hand and not his and then you pick yourself up and move on, safe in your own strength. Been there, done that. xxx

New Year's eve and still here.

This morning he told me how unhappy he was and he is clearly fed up with me being unhappy.

Everything I have ever suggested about us he has not gone along with (dates, reading the same books so we had something to talk about - just everything)

He also admitted that I am no longer attractive, need to lose weight. Also, he hates me smoking. I understand this, I hate me smoking too. When I do stop he does not kiss me anyway. When I stop he is really rejecting me.

If lose three stone (very optimistic) I will have more wrinkles. What happens if I gain a pound, two pounds?

We both agree that life is shit.

I have run out of anything, everything. I have said we should just call it a day and move on. He repeats again (and again) everything will be OK.

How?

I feel as though he choose other woman because I am such a failure. We both feel as tough we are stuck on ground hog day.

Can anyone help? Anyone at all? I would never ever kill myself for my boys' sake but oh fuck it I wish I was dead. I know I am depressed but I struggled so hard to get of the AD's earlier this year. I need to sort my life not take tablets.

So, get thin (and more wrinkles), stop smoking and have another breakdown? I just cry and cry, usually alone. He is asleep upstairs and I am on sofa weepy. He knows but is not interested.

I am so alone.

OP. Enough is enough ay.

You are NOT a failure. Being in a failing situation is bringing you down.

Put an end to it. Someone has to do it, wouldn't you rather it be you?

OY! OP! nooooooo. Dry your eyes, you are fab, HE'S the failure not you!

Not fab ( but thank you).

Have failed at more than you could guess. He wants to live with boys. Boys want to live with him. I cannot leave boys.

And I still love him

I hate me

Why do you hate you? what have you done? Not a lot wrong I guess. My DP is very latteral thinking and it drives me mad sometimes. A lot of men don't get it, and really can't get emotions. They just ignore and go off. It's not the end, it's a compromise that we need to make. waiting for net nutters to tell me different

I have got old fat boring. I am not good enough for the father of my children.

So

They are growing up in this horrible life. They are not learning to love and be loved.

Hello fuzzynavel, you called?
Bloodypissedoff, do you really think that loosing weight and giving up smoking is going to change this?
This is not about you, this is about him and you and how you interact (more specifically how he does or does not). Please stop hating yourself and direct your anger where it is deserved. The person who got the ball rolling, your husband. I read this article on another thread today and think it applies here as well:
women

I hope you manage to start moving away from this, it looks (from here anyway) as if this relationship is eating away at you.

You need him to leave. He owes you that.

You cannot keep existing like this, you just can't.

He was the fuckwit that had the affair and ruined your relationship, he needs to take responsibility for that.

I am sure that once you are over the shock of him leaving, your life will be improved imeasurably. Existing the way you are right now is draining you all of your energy and your sprit - it's soul destroying :(

Ok, to stop eternally feeling like this you need more self worth. Nothing he does will fix this, it's on you.

You will never get any sense of self worth living like this. He clearly doesn't understand, has given up making any effort and I would question whether he even cares.

You're at pains to point out his positive traits. It's as if you think you're in some way fortunate. This is clear evidence of how low your self worth is. Deep down you know you deserve better than this from life - anyone does. But you just can't quite turn that belief into action.

Meanwhile your sons learn that in a relationship a woman's happiness is secondary, her feelings insignificant and her needs an unnecessary concern. It will be quite obvious to them that this is the case, and scarier still they'll assume this is all within the realms of normal.

It's shit that it was your husband who fucked up but it's you who has to sort it out, it really is. But that's how it is.

If you wait for him to fix this, my bet is that once your DC have left home he'll follow. The end result will be the same but it will be far worse for you emotionally than it would be for you to make the decision now.

Your children want you to be happy. To understand that there can be happiness out of a seemingly impossible, desperate situation is a good lesson for them. They are old enough to cope with this if you are honest with them. At least while they are living at home they have access to your direct support. That won't be the case once they've left.

This one's dead in the water, but you can move on. You can. You have to.

Chippin. Do you live in my house?

Yes, I am pushing him away. I am scared. I cannot live through it all again.