cross and confused

[bloodypissedoff]

Cross with myself really and not sure how to make life better....

Brief story.

Husband, who I though adored me, had an affair. He left me and dc and went to live with MIL shortly after being found out. At that point OW had decided to stay with her husband. Over months she changed her mind, bad timing because husband was talking about starting to date (me) again and perhaps coming home. Anyway big crunch, he choose her over me and dc, but then she changed her mind. He was very sad and due to other things moved home for a while and never moved out again (despite being asked to).

That was three years ago. He is still here and I still do not feel loved. He says he loves me (but I am sure he is not in love with me). What I do know is that he never ever wants to be as cruel as he was again. I fell to bits when he moved out and begged and begged for him to come back etc etc - he was very cruel, cruel to be kind perhaps as he was positive he would not come back and I should stop hoping and move on.

Now I wake up every day with someone who says he loves me, but whose only concession to me saying I do not feel loved is to say he will try. He tries(!), is nice for a few days and even gives me a hug or two and then it wears off.

Sex was always a big part of out relationship - we have not made love much at all this year and not for last month. He says he has got out of the habit!!!!

I cried this evening and said that this was a living death, because he does not have OW to go to he says he wants to be with children...oh and me. He is actually a decent chap and does not want to hurt me again. BUT this hurts, a lot.

so tonight more tears and he may move out...on the other hand it might all blow over for a month or so...again

I just don't know what to think and do. This is breaking my heart, But my children are better for having their dad back home. But for fucks sake three years! three fucking years...I just don't know what to do or how to do it.

He is just trying to put all the blame for the relationship on YOU, when it is NOT your fault. I am overweight, smoke and drink too much. DH isn't keen on the bad habits - but he loves ME! He tells me he does, he is affectionate, he treats me with respect. This is how it should be.

You need to stop engaging with him - stop the tears and begging for love and attention. Ignore him and get on with your own life. Don't make him cups of tea or do his washing. Look after yourself and the dc. If YOU want to lose weight then do so, but not for him. It won't change anything. You could come back in 3 months time after shifting a couple of stone and he will have found ANOTHER way in which you are "lacking". He sounds like a complete arse!

Honestly - you have received some great advice on this thread. You need to make yourself strong.

Cheryl Cole got cheated on. It was nothing to do with your age or size. It was to do with your husband's sense of entitlement and lack of respect for your feelings.

Living with someone who essentially is just using and ignoring you is likely to be what's maintaining your depression, in large part. I think you need to completely detach from him in order to feel better. Knock him off the pedestal you have put him on - he really doesn't deserve to be there - and start building your own, fabulous life.

He stays, I think, because he loves his children and does not want to hurt me,
Well he didn't much care for either of those things 3 years ago.
Your children will be far happier knowing their mum is happy and they will be able to see both of you.

SGB and co are bang on. He stays because it sits HIM and not for anyone elses benefit.
You get one life, please don't waste anymore of it x

Sorry my space bar is missing!

How do I become more confident? How do I believe I am ok?

I have done the get a new job bit and that is going well. I know I am kind and am trying to stop saying yes to everyone. I truly believe any compliments are born out of pity, and that they are at best not true.

How do I live with someone who does not appear to value me? How can I blame him when I don't value myself? But how do I value myself when I know I am second choice, a poor second choice at that.

You start by getting rid of the source of your self esteem issues....HIM
x

This morning he has been lovely. Affectionate and kind. Chippin is spot on. I have frozen him out again. How can I relax onto a hug knowing he hates how I feel? But he is trying again.

Please get out of this nasty relationship and get rid of this man. This is no way to live your life and you deserve better.

If you get rid of him you will immediately lose 12? 14? stone. It will be a millstone lifted from you. You cannot function properly or look after yourself with this burden.

There is no way your self esteem is ever going to recover while you stay with a man who you know left you for another woman.

He doesn't 'not appear to not value you' he doesn't value you . You adored him, look what he did to you. He walked away cold and cruel. He doesn't give a shit about you. He is still not willing after 3 years do do dates/spend time with you or show spontaneous affection that you haven't had to drag out of him just to shut you up because you are crying, again... (probably his opinion). I bet if OW came back he would go. Damaging to your children as that is.

You have wasted the last 3 years of your life in a living death when you could have moved on already.

Your children need better than this. It is not good for them to think this is how women deserve to be treated.

PS I am vastly overweight, grey, no self esteem and beardy (boots home hair removal works wonders) my much younger partner adores me and would never treat me this way!

He is probably trying because maybe you have been thinking about stuff said to you here and he is picking up on it. You really need to hear what we are saying here. There is no magic trick that is going to make him love you again. Sorry! He has no respect for you. He is not trying to be lovely. He is trying to ensure that his nice comfy life continues. Please please listen - and DO something.

Build your confidence bit by bit. Start with smaller challenges and when you've mastered those move on to bigger ones. You've already made a great start by sorting out your job situation.

You can increase your self-esteem by treating yourself like someone you love even though you don't feel like it (at the moment). Fake it till you make it.

Remember that thoughts are not facts. View your negative self-talk as just mental noise which you can simply notice and let come and go without engaging with it, judging it or acting on it.

I need a plan don't I?

A plan for me.

Yep!

Bloodypissedoff, I hope you read the last article I posted? If not oh well, but oddly enough I also came across this yesterday
your future ma'am
Which has some good guidelines on how to move forward, how to make yourself a plan x

frid. I read the article, and many of the comments. The one just posted is so true too.

Struggling to find concrete ideas right now. I need something that will work. I am very mindful of the posts a while back by someone who did not find her overweight husband attractive any more. I am scared that another attempt in stopping smoking will result in more weight, and I will still go back to smoking. I am size 16 right now - perhaps aim for 14 as a first step?

It does not help that husband suggests every night at around nine that we share nuts or chocolate or crisps. Having had a glass (or two) of wine by then I rarely refuse to join him.

So perhaps wine needs to stop first?

I have such a huge mountain to climb.

I am told I am pretty boring too - I just can't think what to say. Being bale to make and keep friends would help. He has been my best friend since I was 18, it is so hard to change things.

Trying to win back your H's love (as I expect is your aim) by making yourself slim and 'interesting' is a pointless exercise.

You would be much better off putting your energies into creating an interesting and fulfilling life for yourself and detaching from your husband.

As an ex-smoker I can't say I am very keen on smoking as a rule but there are worst things in life so maybe just cut down. As for loosing weight, well I'm around eleven and a half stone and five foot two and again I just sort of work around it. Having been suffering from depression (and other things too) I have put loosing weight on the bottom of things to do, the important things for me to change atm are my mindset and my life, the rest can wait.
Not that my priorities should be yours but would those two things really help how you feel about yourself and how you feel about life? If the answer is yes then go for it but do it using babysteps as I suspect you are like me in that you will tear yourself apart if you percieve yourself as failing.
I really hope you can learn to treat YourSelf with kindness, it's important!

Who told you you were boring? Him? The things you have thought of that need changing are the very things HE says he doesn't like. Lose weight and give up smoking when YOU want to. Sounds like he moans about your weight then offers you snacks in the evening - the worst time for eating shit. He doesn't WANT you to lose weight obviously - otherwise he would discourage such things. He wants it as another stick to beat you with!

Here is a plan:

1. Stop thinking about him, what he wants, what he likes/doesn.t like etc.
2. Start thinking about what YOU like. What do you like to do? Go out with friends, spend time with your kids, read a book, go for a walk, join an evening class? Do these things. Get out of the house. Find a local MNetter to have coffee with.
3. Stop letting him ruin your weekend. Don't suggest joint activities - make your own plans. If friends aren't available, you can take a book to a coffee shop or go and see a movie or mooch round the shops or go visit something. Or arrange something fun with the kids.

Even if you aren't ready to make a big break - I am sure you could introduce much more joy into your life. He is a selfish arse. He won't like it when you are happier and not moping after him. This is good. Make or break - but at least you will be in a better place.

And he is NOT your best friend! BFs don't treat their friends like this, I am sorry to say. What you mean is that you have come to depend on him - yet he is not dependable.

If the attraction has gone then it wouldn't matter if you became a size 10.

You need to end your relationship if it makes you this unhappy.