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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want but he doesn't

34 replies

CrackerFactory · 11/09/2011 18:11

How do you reconcile the issue of another baby when I really want another dc but dh doesn't. Its not something you can compromise on so how can it be reconciled?

OP posts:

Original poster

CrackerFactory · 11/09/2011 18:47

Bump... I could really do with some advice as this is causing a huge rift in our relationship. I would be very grateful

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ImperialBlether · 11/09/2011 18:50

How many children do you have? Do you work? Are there financial constraints?

What's his reason for not wanting a baby?

TheOriginalFAB · 11/09/2011 18:52

Do you want another baby or do you want your husband's baby? Why do you wnat another child? Why does he not?

DH and I weren't feeling the same about another child but he won out as he had a better reason not too, than I did to have a nother child.

Original poster

CrackerFactory · 11/09/2011 18:56

There were financial problems but they are getting better and I wouldn't do it until we are sorted. But I think he just is happy with what we have now and does not want to go through the early years again. As ever there are always pros and cons with deciding to have a dc but I believe he is just done with that now in his head.

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Original poster

CrackerFactory · 11/09/2011 18:59

We both come from big families and I have always wanted the same for my family. I want my children to benefit from having a larger family especially when they are older and I feel a deep longing for another child. I definetely want it to be his child too. He does not want to go through the exhaustion of a little one again and all the hard work but I believe it is worth that.

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buzzskillington · 11/09/2011 19:04

Well, his view is as important as yours, so all you can do is keep talking really.

hairylights · 11/09/2011 20:11

The one who doesn't want one wins.

It takes two people to agree.

If the person who wants another can't live with that it's justification to split. But the needs of existing children must come first.

Original poster

CrackerFactory · 11/09/2011 21:01

I certainly don't want to split but I don't know how to come to terms with this? It is making me incredibly sad.

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TheOriginalFAB · 11/09/2011 21:04

Would having another baby make your husband sad?

soverylucky · 11/09/2011 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saxony · 11/09/2011 21:21

I have exactly the same problem. I have been broody for about 4 years and it is getting worse not better. I can well up when I see someone I know pregnant or hear of a pregnancy. My DH knows and says we should keep talking about it but my problem is that unless I bring it up he never does. He too does not want to go through all the early years period again and hated the worry of me being pregnant etc.
I will not let the subject drop forever but on the other hand I don't bring it up as often as maybe I should.

There are no financial constraints that were not there when we decided to try for ours DS who has just turned 6.

I have no advice just to keep talking about it as this is my only hope for another child.
I completely sympathise with you though

Original poster

CrackerFactory · 11/09/2011 21:22

I don't think having another baby would make him sad but possibly add stress as another child inevitably does.

soverylucky I do try and take stock and feel grateful for what I already have and I am grateful for that. But I can't seem to stop myself feeling resentful towards my dh who just carries on happy as larry while I am feeling so bad. I would never have another child unless he was on board as raising a child is too difficult without both of us fully committed.

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saxony · 11/09/2011 21:23

Yes soverylucky I agree, I could never go through with another DC without my DH being behind it 100%

soverylucky · 11/09/2011 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CactusRash · 11/09/2011 21:37

You need to talk. The best position you can be in is if your partner is happy for you to tell him how sad/miserable you are without getting defensive about it.

I have been in that position. We didn't have another child and I have spent years longing for one. It has calmed down.
I can't say I have ever ressented the fact that he didn't want one. Afterall, if I am asking him to accept that I am dreaming of another child, I also need to accept that it is sending him into terror mode.
But I have regretted it. A lot. And sometimes still now, even though it is too late for me now.

I don't think it would be a good idea to 'force' him to have another child. But he needs to realize that by saying 'NO' he is also 'forcing' you not to have one and therefore needs to be very compationate about it. Unfortunatly it is one of those situations where it is easy to go into a 'You lose, I win' position which is only making things worse.

How many dcs do you already have? Have you ever talked together about how many children you wanted (before having this last child)?

soverylucky · 11/09/2011 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saxony · 11/09/2011 21:58

My dh hates that it is making me unhappy, but in these circumstances it always means that one of you will be unhappy.

I don't bring up the subject as I hate the feeling I get when it is talked about as he doesn't seem anywhere nearer to wanting one and that just depresses me.

Original poster

CrackerFactory · 11/09/2011 22:05

CactusRash I think that is a big part of the problem that he doesn't realise he is "forcing me not to have another one". He just goes silent and seems totally lacking in compassion. In fact the whole thing just seems to irritate him. Maybe that is one reason why I am not dealing with the situation. He just doesn't seem to care.

However, even with a bit of compassion this is really hard to deal with.

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saxony · 11/09/2011 22:19

It may be that his decision and the effect it has on you does bother him A LOT but he is hiding behind it. Some men (mine included) can switch off from the whole baby discussion in a way that some women cannot.

He may be putting a wall up so as not to be swayed? Do you think?

Original poster

CrackerFactory · 11/09/2011 22:24

That may be true saxony but that wall needs to come down for us to deal with this and I don't know what to do. I also dont know how to stop feeling so resentful. How are you dealing with it?

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saxony · 11/09/2011 22:44

At the moment I feel very resentful and I have not given up on the idea of having another one.
I had almost given up about 6 months ago until we had a massive argument about something else and he was the one who brought up the idea of another baby and said that he was scared etc of commiting to that "lets go for it" moment. So I know there may be some hope. I have decided on leaving the subject alone and giving him some time. He knows without a shadow of a doubt what my feelings are so I dont feel like I need to constantly remind him - if anything that would put my DH off!
Rightly or wrongly I dont show him when I feel emotional because yet another mother up the school yard has got pregnant. I just feel so frustrated that my time is running out and I want to shake him and demand one but I know that ain't right!!!!

I totally respect that he is scared and he is completely happy with things as they are. So it has to be his decision. I would hate to go through pregnancy feeling like he wasn't 100%.

saxony · 11/09/2011 22:48

Just realised that I am not helping you at all . I'm sorry.
It's just that no one in my RL is in my situation. They have all happily got 2+ children with men who wanted that many.

Original poster

CrackerFactory · 11/09/2011 22:59

Don't be sorry we are both going through similar things and it is good to have a forum to talk about it in. I envy women who are happy with what they have as the key to happiness is being content with your current life and not constantly desiring something more. But I am not quite sure how to achieve this.

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saxony · 11/09/2011 23:20

I think that you have to keep talking about it. Things can change and you can never say that it will never ever happen.
He needs to realise that once it is too late then there is no going back and that you may always feel some resentment about the situation and the desire for another child may never go away completely.

But on the other hand we have to realise how they feel, whether that is that they are afraid of having another one through financial or emotional or other reasons. I know that it would be hard to go back to having a baby as my DS is 6 and so independant etc. The distruption a new born would cause would be enormous and deep down I too am afraid of this. But I know like you that it would be worth it and nothing in the world puts me off the idea.
I know I shouldn't compare to others but I am envious of hubbies who are "kid mad" and love big families etc

Bootcamp · 11/09/2011 23:25

Gosh I really feel for you. I think yo have to try and focus on other things and I know that won't be easy but if you want to be happy in the relationship you have I think it is your only choice. So sad for you.

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