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Relationships

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Original poster

faking orgasms

29 replies

bbface · 09/09/2011 08:50

It is an odd situation, as I really do enjoy sex with my DH but over the course of our 5 year relationship... I would say I have orgasmed 5 times and all in early months.

The only way to really 'prove' to DH that I am enjoying myself is to fake orgasm. I enjoy the intimacy, I enjoy the physical sensation, quite often I initiate sex, I just do not orgasm - yet I lead DH to think I do 99% of the time. No point discussing it

What are other people's experience like re. this issue? Do you ever fake it? If so, how frequently?

OP posts:

confidence · 09/09/2011 09:10

Is your DH the kind of guy who would imagine a woman can only enjoy sex if she has an orgasm?

I think most men probably grow up presuming that. But after I had a couple of girlfriends who didn't orgasm but really liked sex, I grew to realise it's not that simple. It can be hard for men to get beyond seeing it as their "fault" and a reflection on their sexual prowess.

fortyplus · 09/09/2011 09:13

I've been told that the majority of women don't reach orgasm during penetrative sex - he just needs to know that he has to do it another way (I assume!)

lifeohlife · 09/09/2011 09:49

I never fake it... but don't think I've ever have an orgasm just on penetrative sex... has to be clitoral stimulation... dh knows that..:)

deemented · 09/09/2011 09:58

I think it's really sad for both of you that you feel you have to fake it.

Can you orgasam without him at all? Have you tried?

For me, part of a good relationship is a mutually satisfying sex life. It's healthy and i think it's a foundation step in being able to communicate well with each other.

It's a shame that you feel you can't talk to him about this. What do you think he might say if you tried?

smallnotfaraway · 09/09/2011 11:18

We made a point of finding out early on what works, and would help with gentle guidance and words, and dh made it his business to make sure I had a good time. He can easily tell when orgasm, says he can sometimes feel it tingling even. I never fake - if I don't get there, there's usually a reason, like tiredness or something, but that's no big deal, we both recognise that, but I get there most times, but very rarely from PIV alone.

I agree with deemented - it's sad that you feel you have to fake it and more sad that you haven't found out between you what works. You're doing both of you a disservice by pretending it works, as he'll just keep on doing what he's doing, believing everything to be fine, and because what he's doing doesn't get you there, he's never likely to succeed.

I don't know how you'd go about trying to change this situation though, as you've gone so far down the line. :/ My ex-H never got me there, but crucially, didn't care, and wasn't interested in finding out, and got angry when I would suggest/show what I would like (you know, I wouldn't bark orders, but try to show in a loving way). That is one of the reasons why he is my ex.

Gay40 · 09/09/2011 20:13

I'm always amazed that men fall for the faked orgasm.

samandi · 09/09/2011 20:23

I think that's utterly bizarre. How can you be with someone for five years and not discuss something like this? I don't see what's so difficult to accept about your partner telling you they enjoy sex without orgasming, or telling you what you need to do so they can orgasm. I've never faked in my life, I don't see the point, especially in a long-term relationship where (to me anyway) it seems like you're just digging your own hole.

HairyGrotter · 09/09/2011 20:40

Gay40 I am AMAZING at the whole faking thing. I've yet to had my bluff called, excellent poker face

sincitylover · 09/09/2011 20:57

another non faker here.

Just can't see the point really.

If a man's ego can't take it then it's tough - and I am someone who would stoke a man's ego in other ways.

A considerate man who you have good communication and rapprot with would ensure that you did in whatever way worked for you.

However I know with some men although you may enjoy sex it might not happen every time and I see no reason to say it has when it hasn't.

I have had experience of both fairly recently and would not rate one experience over the other IYKWIM.

cecilyparsley · 09/09/2011 21:28

Have never faked.
When with one of those men who seems to regard the womans pleasure as incidental I dont see the point in faking (or giving him a second chance!)

With men who clearly do want her to have a good time to I can see why you might be tempted to fake, I mean it can feel a little awkward if you just cant quite get there despite his best efforts

NanaNina · 09/09/2011 23:46

I think there are hundreds of women who fake orgasms and maybe some of these posters are too.............bb face I think you have raised an important issue and have been very brave to do so. I don't fake orgasms becasue we don't have sex any more (both in late 60s and separate bedrooms) but I never had orgasms by penetrative sex. In fact the walls of the vagina are very insensitive to the friction of the penis. I used to hear my next door neighbour (our beds must have been either side of the same wall and even though they are old houses the walls are incredibly thin) ooh and aahing and I could just tell she was faking.................come on women be honest

cecilyparsley · 10/09/2011 00:40

Depending on the postion I can orgasm from penetrative sex, but really I've never cared enough about a blokes ego to fake it.
I might fake it if there was money involved but I cant think of any other circumstances where I would!

jellybeans208 · 11/09/2011 08:49

I never fake it and orgasm every time. I find it easier through 69, also with toys, fingers on clit during sex. I think it is easy as long as the man does clitoral stimulaton. Also of course there is a point to discussing it it is very, very important to a successful marriage in my eyes as otherwise it will make you resetful and leak out to other areas of your marriage.

oNananina - why dont you do oral most timess. I find it is very easy for me to orgasm from that. Also wth sex things like bullet vibes on the clit whilst on top or reverse cowgirl means you can do both at same time. he can play to but I always find it is easier to play with myself whilst he is in me and then you get the rhythm right.

BloodStainedHeart · 11/09/2011 11:12

Oh God everyone I know fakes it sometimes. Surely there's more people on here who have done!

I have faked lots of times. Not just to please DH but just because it helps me get in the mood so I can come afterwards sometimes (maybe that's just me who is weird though!) I am someone who doesn't get a lot from penetration though and need clitoral stimulation however DH does know how to please me, it just takes a bit longer than he thinks sometimes. He can go for ages so it's never been a problem.

OP if ur DP doesn't know how to satisfy you then you could try different things and make out you just want to keep things fresh and exciting etc. However from what you say you enjoy sex with or without the orgasm so all you're doing by faking it is almost giving a signal to DP that you're finished and satisfied. Nothing wrong with that.

jellybeans208 · 11/09/2011 11:40

Im the other way round bloostainedheart dont you get scared he might know? Surely it must be obvious as you wont have the physical signs?

Also I wouldnt fake because it takes longer than he thinks why not just take as long as it takes and then really do it. I think its more of a turn on dragging it out and teasing than orgasming quick straight off, but s uppose everyone likes different.

jellybeans208 · 11/09/2011 11:42

I also dont believe anyone who says they can feel satisfied without orgasming every time or the vast majority of times. It must be very frustrating op seriously dont put up with it and tell him what you like, let yourself go, lots of experimenting and dont fake because it only ruins it for you.

BloodStainedHeart · 11/09/2011 11:45

Everyone like such different things.. to me teasing etc is just an annoyance, it doesn't do anything for me. It's just irritating. the physical signs are easy to fake too, it's not like I'm sat there like meg Ryan screming anbanging on a table in that cafe . It's more subtle than that. We're both hot and sweaty anyway, nipples are errect, flushed face, easy to do a bit of pulsating and deep sighing. Simples! Nope he never asked if I fake or not except once when I did actually orgasm so it was easy to deny it as I was telling the truth!

jellybeans208 · 11/09/2011 11:50

I think I couldnt fake cause of the way my fanny looks after I orgasm (TMI!) I just wouldnt dare do it I dont think. I always need to orgasm anyway a session hasnt finished until I do as its winds me up.

I just dont see the point in faking as once you know what turns you on its easy to orgasm so you might as well have real ones. I wouldnt want him to think I had finished if I hadnt and then leave me wound up, that would make me want to kill him!

TheFlyingOnion · 11/09/2011 11:50

I'm amazed anyone would want to fake an orgasm, other than to get get crap sex over and done with quickly...

You're just short changing yourself... why not take some time to show your DP/H what DOES do it for you? Say hello to a lifetime of REAL orgasms!!

And if you're not sure what does i for you, experiment!!

Robotindisguise · 11/09/2011 11:54

Gay40 - did you never see When Harry Met Sally?!

jellybeans208 · 11/09/2011 11:55

I dont think any man that is used to seeing real orgasms off women 3/4 times a week would fall for a fake one tbh. The only ones I have heard from friends that have are men that are rubbish in bed and never or hardly ever make their dps orgasm.

BloodStainedHeart · 11/09/2011 11:55

See the things is the OP says she doesn't feel short changed as she enjoys the sex withoutu climaxing. With me and DH I get to orgasm a lot, both together and alone and he knows how to make me cum but it takes time so I pretend I've had 2 instead of 1 at the end. It's fine. I don't feel short changed at all. I can come whenever I like. I know and dh knows exactly what I like.

BloodStainedHeart · 11/09/2011 11:57

Oh and me and DH were both virgins when we got together aged 16 so I don't suppose he has anything to compare it to.

Gay40 · 11/09/2011 13:38

Yeah Robot, and I think that's what people do when they are faking an orgasm.

And I agree with Jellybean - if you have seen a real woman have a real orgasm, you coldn't possibly be fooled by a fake one. Then again, men who are fooled are not observant enough to know what their partner likes anyway. If you are any good in bed you can tell what is working and what isn't. Maybe all these women who are faking it for an easy life are just to ashamed to admit they married a crap shag.

garlicnutter · 11/09/2011 15:06

I've quite often faked in order to bring on the real one. If you've been doing it for five years, that's clearly not happening so you need to change stuff.
My suggestion: Stop faking for a while, and tell him you've changed somehow. Point out that women's sexual responses change over a lifetime (so do men's, but women's more so.) Work with him on finding out how saisfy the 'new' you.
Male ego intact, your dramatic skills redundant, happy sex life, job done :)

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