help, fat dh - what can I do to make him lose weight?

[geekgrrl]

If anything?

Dh has always been on the bigger side, but he's now exceeding 16 stone (107 kg I think). He's tried Reductil which was prescribed by our GP and that didn't do anything at all. He's tried restricting his calories quite severely for several weeks with very little result, so now he's given up and stuffs his face with complete crap, and plenty of it, too.
Last week we went to a concert and on the way he bought himself a KFC takeaway - he had a burger, a fajita-type thing and two small chicken pieces and said he was still hungry afterwards. At home we eat healthily but he always has huge portions with loads of extra stuff like cheese or whatever thrown in.
Total lack of exercise doesn't help, he doesn't have time to go to the gym but we do have a very nice treadmill at home, which he never uses. He can only do about 5 minutes on it before collapsing in a heap. It doesn't help that rather than pacing himself he'll do a sprint - I've told him he should set it to walking speed but he won't listen to me.
I'm getting really fed up. He looks so fat and it's just not nice, and I don't particularly want to be a widow at 50. His explanation, apart from the one that he just loves food, is that I don't make him feel wanted enough as we only have sex about twice a week so he comfort-eats.
I don't talk to him about it much, this sex-thing is always bound to crop up and what can I say to that?
He's killing himself and the awsome portions he eats are a terrible example for the children.

try low fat.
You can substitute lots of everyday stuff with low fat,eat as much of it as he likes.
Low fat sausage chips and beans
low fat pizza.
Grilled bacon butties

we do that anyway and cook everything from scratch - pizza etc, and don't eat sausages or chips or anything else like that. It's the amounts though that are a problem, and that he likes to add fatty stuff - e.g. if we have a stir-fry he'll casually add a bag of cashew nuts or peanuts - I've been 'forgetting' to buy more nuts and he's constantly reminding me to buy some more. With fish he'll devour a mash moutain, that sort of thing. When we have a home-made curry he'll make naan breads - his is usually about the size of a tabloid-sized newspaper.
And then he goes to his friend's house every week and they get a takeaway of god-knows-what-crap...

I think we eat low fat untill I watch it then I easily drop weight!!
Just try it make sure everything is below 5% 4 if poss. Does he want to loose weight?

It's sweet of you to worry but tbh there's not much you can do unless he recognises that intaking more calories than he's using is causing him to be overweight. And may I point out that sex TWICE a week is about 50 percent more than most people manage!!!!!

He's got to take control of his own portion size!
What would happen if you cooked only small amounts? would he then go and have a cheese sandwich? The difference is in his head. Hes got to accept that he doesnt need mountains of food.

Can he get inolved in some sport that would be more interesting than the gym? football, squash, swimming?

I used to love those reality programs on the telly in the UK, where they get a fat family and follow them losing weight. It was only after watching every single one for about 6 months that I psyched myself up enough to lose a few stone.

Does he have any male friends who could tell him that he is risking his future and making you unhappy, and he needs to lose weight?

he needs to want to do it!

well yes, I don't think sex twice a week is all that dreadfully frigid as he likes to make out, either.
He does want to lose weight, but in a rather half-hearted way. He being a complete idiot about it TBH. Buys himself low-fat sandwiches at lunch and then has a family-sized pizza when he's at his friend's as a 'treat'.

well get low fat family sized ones!!

While I don't think you can do much unless he really wants to, you can try and stop him from blaming you - it really isn't YOUR fault. Next time he tries to say it's your fault, turn it back on him and say you don't WANT to have sex with him more often because he's heavy and it's uncomfortable.

Does he really truly honestly want to lose weight? If he says yes - is that to please you or because he thinks he ought to say yes - or is it a genuine desire of his own?
You wanting him to lose weight, even if for the best of intentions, is not enough.
His explanation of comfort eating due to lack of sex, transferring blame onto you sounds very defensive to me. I bet he knew that it was a comeback that you would find hard to reply.
If he really does then there are things you can do to help.
You can help him subtlely at home by making sure that all meals are balanced and healthy, that there are few/none treats in the house to cause temptation. You could also help him by finding family activities that you could do together with the children - go swimming, nice long walks together with a winter picnic of steaming flasks and low fat tasty snacks. Go ice skating as a winter treat. Doesn?t matter if he only stays on the ice for ten mins or so and you all stay on for longer, getting him to start to enjoy exercising and seeing it as normal part of family life is the key. Standing on a treadmill religiously everyday while watching th e9 oclock news is only for the really dedicated and is hard to stick to unless you have the willpower. I know I don?t!
If you both go out shopping, make sure you eat before so that you aren?t swayed to pop in for a takeaway etc etc
Can he/does he take a lunchbox to work? If so, fill the fridge of decent low fat snacks for he to take, big bowl of fruit etc

aunty, it's from a takeaway place, and I'm not there. Not much I can do about it.

Shock him by getting some vital statistics done eg liver function test, cholesterol, blood pressure etc

Tell him to get a new massive life insurance policy if he doesn't want to lose weight.

And try out hypnosis if he does?

mh, I don't think he really has much of a desire to lose weight in all honesty. Otherwise he wouldn't be cramming in all the junk when he's out.

He usually takes a lunchbox to work which I pack with healthy stuff. Left to his own devices it all goes out of the window.

He's outgrown all but one of his suits which he's not too happy about, but I guess not bothered enough to stop eating rubbish at every opportunity.

He's always been a big eater but I guess when he was younger it didn't stick like it does now he's in his mid-35s.

twirlingARTCT, I think I might do that - arrange a BUPA checkup for him or somehing like that.

He's up now. Better go!

ooh yes, brilliant suggestion from twirlaround. Could you ask them to lay it on thick and scare him? [evil emoticon]

The only thing I will say to you gg is that my mum battled with my dads weight all their married life. He over ate and sneaked choc bars etc but she spent all her time making sure he had really healthy food and it did pay off in the end. As he got older he did actually get hyealthier. Now he is 76 years old and all his unhealthy mates are dropping like flies and he is fit as a fiddle.

My dh has been going through the same process, geekgirl - sadly I have to say that after years of talking about losing weight he has actually stuck to a diet at last and has lost two stone so far. He looks and feels so much better and is getting comments from friends and neighbours who are starting to notice, which spurs him on even more.

The trigger for actually losing weight was going to the doctor to find both his blood pressure and cholesterol levels were raised - the GP gave him a "last chance" to lose the weight before being put on medication for this (he had to have medication before and it has unpleasant side effects). But he had been talking about losing weight for a long time and really doesn't like being so fat. Plus all the health issues such as higher risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke, shortening his life - he is 10 years older than me therefore I could be a long time widow and he doesn't like that idea! (nor do I )

Dh does all the cooking in our house and his job is a school cook, so he is surrounded by food all day. Rather than go hungry, which is counter-productive as his body would simply store as much fat as possible, he snacks on fruit and low-fat yoghurt. He makes his own coleslaw with low-fat mayo, which he eats with cottage cheese, oatcakes and oily fish such as sild or sardines. He has totally cut out cheese and beer, if he does have a rare drink he has wine. We still have homemade pizzas once a week, but he makes the tomato base extra tasty and puts just a tiny sprinkling of grated cheese on the top. He never goes hungry as he fills up on fruit.

We are fortunate in that we live in a very rural area so there is little temptation in the way of takeaways, and he's not keen on McD's and the like, but I have to say that unless he really wants to lose weight there is not much you can do to make him. And blaming you is a cheap trick - it's his body and he should take responsibility for it. HTH.

Can totally identify, geekgirl. My dh has been slowly piling on the pounds in the last few years, and I don't like it. He is now the classic potential heart attack victim - overweight, very high blood pressure, sedentary lifestyl and high-pressure job.

He went to the GP recently about something and they took his blood pressure - and it was in the danger zone. That has given him a real fright, and he is - as I write this - at the gym we've just joined having his first assessment. I think they sometimes need a real fright to do something about it.

Sex twice a week?! In my dh's dreams!!!!!

This could be my dh too. He is now well over 15 stone and easily needs to lose 2-3 stones. Getting him to eat properly though is another matter. He works nights so that really doesn't help matters.

I agree that you won't be able to do much - he has to want to lose weight himself. I guess all you can do is restrict sweet, fattening things at mealtimes and cook healthy, smaller meals for him. Stock up on loads of fruit for him to snack on. Agree too about exercising as a family in the way of walks and outings.

Stop nagging him about it too - I know when I nag dh it makes him switch off and actually pig out more. In my case though it hasn't (yet) affected our sex life - is yours really only twice a week?

Only joking - he should think himself damned lucky!

ahh thank you all. At least I feel somewhat less frigid and responsible. I do get very fed up with the sex nagging, don't think he lives in the real world sometimes, but he makes me feel like I should see a therapist because for me it's just not the most super thing in the world ever. Last time he complained that I love having a cup of tea and have several a day, but only fancy sex a few times a week. WTF?!

Geekgirl, any normal woman wants sex several times a day. Of course.

(To be fair, I do want sex more often than I want tea. But I don't drink tea.)

Goodness me, he does sound a bit mad.

As others have said, people only lose weight when they genuinely want to. It sounds like he may have unrealistic expectations about dieting and exercise - he thinks that a few days of dieting will make him drop a stone. If he does that for a few weeks, he'll be back down to his previous weight, and then can go back to eating rubbish?

The reality is, the best thing for him to do would be to lose weight slowly and keep it off. To do that, he needs to make sustainable lifestyle and diet changes. Things like avoiding fatty/sugary foods, and walking more.

I don't think nagging helps. I do think that seeing his diet choices as his choices, and frankly, nothing to do with you, can help.

Oh, should have added, I totally understand the urge to nag, the urge to try to make him sort himself out. Doesn't work. Can't work. And it will just result in him "sneaking" food, if he doesn't just do whatever he wants in front of you.

My dh was in denial for years. He was very touchy about his weight and like yours made excuses. He wouldn't let me see him naked and would have intense hunger cravings. He would sometimes ask me if he looked fat and unless I completely denied that he did he'd start an argument with me etc etc. Anyway to cut a long story short we were on a camping holiday somewhere remote and after a day spent next to him furiously tearing around in the car searching for somewhere he could eat (it was a Sunday and nothing was open), I'd had enough. Back at the campsite as I was cooking some bacon on the stove he was sulking angrily and going on and on about what a sh*t time we were having (v v true) that I wasn't being nice to him and didn't fancy him, and asked me if he was fat. I'd soo had enough of him, so I lost it with him (first time ever I think) and shouted that stuff like yes he was fat and if I hear him moaning about his appearance just one more time I'd leave him, to shut up about it and sort it out etc etc. Anyway he went on a diet that very night (Atkins actually), started running and lost 2 stone!! He lost a lot of weight initially which really encouraged him then went on a more balanced diet which he's still on and has kept the weight off and looks/feels better than he has for years. HTH

BTW dp would be overjoyed to get it twice a week!

Good luck

He says that you don't make him feel wanted enough and this is why he comfort eats.

That is a cheap shot on his part, him blaming you for this just abdicates him of all responsibility for his actions.

Eating so called "low fat food" (this is often not low fat at all) is not the answer here.

If he is serious about losing weight then he needs to examine why he is eating as he does.
He needs to look into exactly why he comfort eats and what the triggers are to do so; boredom is sometimes a factor. However, he as you say has always been on the "bigger" side so am wondering if this is also long term learnt behaviour from childhood. Maybe his parents told him he must eat all his dinner before dessert or denied him treats. The most worrying scenario here is that he may equate food with love (you don't make him feel wanted so he comfort eats).

He is certainly eating like this for reasons which will need to be addressed.

Can you talk with your GP about his weight?. This may be an option open to you; you all need help with this as a family.

The sex thing is a ludicrous excuse ! I should think that twice a week is above average for a couple in a long term relationship