help, fat dh - what can I do to make him lose weight?

[geekgrrl]

If anything?

Dh has always been on the bigger side, but he's now exceeding 16 stone (107 kg I think). He's tried Reductil which was prescribed by our GP and that didn't do anything at all. He's tried restricting his calories quite severely for several weeks with very little result, so now he's given up and stuffs his face with complete crap, and plenty of it, too.
Last week we went to a concert and on the way he bought himself a KFC takeaway - he had a burger, a fajita-type thing and two small chicken pieces and said he was still hungry afterwards. At home we eat healthily but he always has huge portions with loads of extra stuff like cheese or whatever thrown in.
Total lack of exercise doesn't help, he doesn't have time to go to the gym but we do have a very nice treadmill at home, which he never uses. He can only do about 5 minutes on it before collapsing in a heap. It doesn't help that rather than pacing himself he'll do a sprint - I've told him he should set it to walking speed but he won't listen to me.
I'm getting really fed up. He looks so fat and it's just not nice, and I don't particularly want to be a widow at 50. His explanation, apart from the one that he just loves food, is that I don't make him feel wanted enough as we only have sex about twice a week so he comfort-eats.
I don't talk to him about it much, this sex-thing is always bound to crop up and what can I say to that?
He's killing himself and the awsome portions he eats are a terrible example for the children.

Try the photo thing Geekgrrl - I knew I was fat, but really tried not to look at myself so that I could 'forget' from time to time. A photo of me really jolted me!

yeah, dh doesn't like photos of himself either. I don't know what to do really. To be honest, maybe I don't talk to him about it enough because I don't want him to become paranoid. I know I might come across as though I nag him on this thread, but that is actually completely not the case. Maybe that's been the wrong tactic.

The frustrating thing is that he lost 2 stone on Slimfast three years ago whilst doing up our house full time over 4 months. It turned out that he was also smoking at the time and as soon as he went back to his desk job and ditched the fags the weight piled on again. Now he keeps saying that he can lose weight if only I let him smoke, which is completely out of the question.

I think I'm going to be really unpopular here and stick my oar in on dh's side. Your situation sounds like ours but in reverse (except for the sex thing where Dh still wants sex more than I do). All I will say is weight is real issue for many people. I have been on many 'successful' diets. Since the age of 15 I have lost and gained weight (between 2-5 stones each time) about 10 times. I have spent my life on a cyle of 6 months on a diet and exercising and 6 -12 months putting all on again in a big exhausting cycle.

This is a problem that is not easy to fix especially if you have been big a long time. If my partner were ever to shout and tell me I was too fat and they would leave me if I didn't sort it out I would probably leave myself (in fact I have done in the past in other relationships).

All I can say is this is my issue - my problem - it comes with me and if dh can't live with it there is nothing I can do about it.

I know for a fact that when I get fed up enough about it I lose weight again. Nagging just makes me stubborn and upset and puts off the day that I start the new diet.

I no longer believe there is a long term solution to this - I've tried therapy, dieting exercise all of it and my clothes sizes still vary between 14 and 22.

HOWEVER if you are someone who has just put on weight because of a particular thing recently - a diet and excercise can probably help. PLEASE don't nag your husband it really won't help. When he is fed up enough he will almost certainly try and lose the weight and in my experience, when men do this they are usually more successful at it than women. When he decides to lose the weight (and believe me he will), then is the time to help him. Until then there is really nothing you can do - I know that is hard to accept but it is true.

If the weight is really enough for you to want out of your relationship then you may need to say that in as calm a way as possible but you need to mean it. Otherwise I'm afraid you will have to live with this until he wants to do something about it.

omg annalucia, just for the record, dh being on the large side is certainly not something that would ever make me want to leave him. I love him to bits!! Whatever shape he is.

My dad became extremely overweight as I grew up and I hated it. He huffed and puffed and sweated just tying up his laces. It was as if we were all waiting for him to keel over all the time. We all pleaded with him to lose the weight but he thought he was still healthy. Our pleading fell on deaf ears and even a heart problem made no difference. The when the GP said he was developing diabetes and he needed to change his diet, he suddenly motivated himself. He swotted up on the Atkins (ideal boy diet) and has never looked back. The motivation must come from within, as anyone recovering from an addiction/destructive behaviour of any sort will tell you.
If my dh became fat I don't know if I would fancy him as much although I know I would love him just the same. Is there anything that you think would motivate your dh? Did he always have a big appetite or was there something that triggered it?
And by the way - twice a week, he should count himself lucky. I hope I'm not overstating it but addicts tend to blame those they love when confronted with their addiction. I think you have shown care and understanding by asking the questions you have.

annalucia, thats the exact point i was trying to make but i came across as patronising, very well said.