help, fat dh - what can I do to make him lose weight?

[geekgrrl]

If anything?

Dh has always been on the bigger side, but he's now exceeding 16 stone (107 kg I think). He's tried Reductil which was prescribed by our GP and that didn't do anything at all. He's tried restricting his calories quite severely for several weeks with very little result, so now he's given up and stuffs his face with complete crap, and plenty of it, too.
Last week we went to a concert and on the way he bought himself a KFC takeaway - he had a burger, a fajita-type thing and two small chicken pieces and said he was still hungry afterwards. At home we eat healthily but he always has huge portions with loads of extra stuff like cheese or whatever thrown in.
Total lack of exercise doesn't help, he doesn't have time to go to the gym but we do have a very nice treadmill at home, which he never uses. He can only do about 5 minutes on it before collapsing in a heap. It doesn't help that rather than pacing himself he'll do a sprint - I've told him he should set it to walking speed but he won't listen to me.
I'm getting really fed up. He looks so fat and it's just not nice, and I don't particularly want to be a widow at 50. His explanation, apart from the one that he just loves food, is that I don't make him feel wanted enough as we only have sex about twice a week so he comfort-eats.
I don't talk to him about it much, this sex-thing is always bound to crop up and what can I say to that?
He's killing himself and the awsome portions he eats are a terrible example for the children.

troll?

I don't want to encourage jstbcs any more but given your replies you are either:

a. A man
b. My mother . She seems to have similar old fashioned views. although I have never discussed a topic such as this !!

troll troll troll
'promise him a threesome' lol

Possibly, although not a new one if so.

JSTBS, read the first post. Or possibly just leave it, please.

who?

dear oh dear, get a life jstbcs

sorry that reply was a bit harsh on my mum !!! I do actually love her to bits !!! I think spacedonkeys reply is closer !!!

not a troll.

GG - have u tried the scales/mirror thing to shock him into doing something - althou it might well have an adverse effect? does he know how worried u r and the possible effects on his heart esp.

his sex thing is a classic way of taking the heat off himself. don't put up with it.

if someone medical told him he had a life threatening disease as a direct result of his eating habits, he wouldn't be mentioning comfort eating because of a 'lack' of sex.

Once again this is Mr Miaou, I really should get my own login!

I am overweight, have been up to as high as 19stone 13lbs!! Which at just under 5'8" is a tad overweight. Some of that was exacerbated by being on heavy doses of steroids for about 18 months, but basically it was down to eating too much, drinking waaaaayyyyyyyyyyy too much, and being idle.

I made all the excuses that you can even imagine. But in the end it is down to one person and one person only if you are fat. Yourself.

As with any other personal problem it is the underlying causes that usually need sorting out. Once they are being dealt with the then it is possible to do something about the symptoms.

In my case - and lots of men - the problem was / is depression. Long term, un treated depression. I drank to hide how I was feeling from myself, and ate for the same reason. I started taking medication for the depression, not as some kind of magic cure, but to give me the crutch I needed to help me start to deal with the causes of depression.

Since doing so I have totally changed my diet, which I had believed was already healthy. However having now cut out anything "fatty" or "sugary" and massively increasing my intake of fruit and veg I have lost 2 stone in 2 months. And that is without evening starting to excercise which is my next big challenge. (To be honest I was too fat to safely do any excercise.) Now however I am about to embark on a campaign of walking - it only needs to be 20 minutes per day to start with. Obviously it is good to increase that as fitness improves. My long term goal is to get back to the standard of squash that I used to play (I played for the Army and for Yorkshire third team).

I guess what I am trying to say is that the only way that your dh is going to lose weight is IF he wants to. And to get him to that state may take a lot of hard patient work. Try and identify why he dislikes himself.

Is work fulfilling - or does he hate it? Is he depressed? Is he suffering from stress? Find the problems and help to overcome them. Give him permission to do what he needs to do to get a grip on his life and the problems he is having. Then look at diet and excercise.

But in terms of diet if he really wants to stuff his face make it fruit and veg. Not cheese and nuts. He can eat as much fruit and veg as he can stuff into his body, almost without limit. It will fill him up but not increase his calorie intake too much. Regular meals are important too, so if he is in the habit of skipping meals nd then bingeing to make up try and stop that too.

Could he incorporate a 20 minute walk into his everyday life? Does he drive to work? Could he walk? etc etc

Mr Miaou
you're an inspiration. well done.

What a lovely man you are, Mr Miaou. You deserve your lovely wife

Mr Miaou again.

Should have said, today was another milestone day, my weight is now starting with a 15, and it is a long time since that happened.

I'm aiming for 15 stone dead for 1st Jan, but that is going to be tough to achieve. Having said that it is less than a pound a day. But that is still quite some weight loss, but the excercise should help

Well my dh is fat. I have no idea what he weigghs, but I don't really wantto think about it. He is not doing himself any favours. He has loads of issues about his weight however and I daren't tell him really

1. His mother! Basically she blames him for the fact she is fat! *she was thin until she had kids) Then she moans about his weight gain and says things like 'you would get that job if you lost a bit of weight'. The problem here is that he feels he has failed his parents by being an actor, not a banker or solider, so his weight really becomes a 'thing' between them. eg If he diets she will say it is because of her etc
2. He eats huge portions too, but not REALLY bad food tbh, just lots of snacks
3. he suffers from depression and low self esteem (see 1)
4. He is very strong, and quite fit, and therefore because his fat is solid he pretends it is muscle
5. He has a large build anyway - he is barrel chested - so can crry loads of weight without looking fat

So basically he would probably go and smash something, jump off a bridge if I told him he was fat

I said the other day, 'Next term when the kids go to school you will be able to get all lithe again, from going to the gym everyday' and he blew up with the 'so you think I am fat! why don't you just tell me I am worthless as well'

I can't win.

I am on a diet at the mo and hopefully it will rub off on him as I am not going to buy the sweets, chocs, crisps after Christmas. I know he does want to lose weight, he talks about it sometimes, but the thought of a 'diet' is not what a man does

there is no secret to losing weight you have to eat less and excersise more.

he has to want to do it to succeed. which is much different from you wantig him to do it.

therefore i suggest something you could do together like a slimming club and gym - that way he doesn't feel like a complete twat at wight watchers amongst all the women. he will feel the same aprehnsion about going to gym too.

incidently actually I went on WW, and did a weekly meal plan DH loved it cos a) he knew what we were eating and it was easier for him to cook but also I was able to incorperate the plan into his eating habits without him realiseing iycwim. I think he was allowed 30 points and I 20 so I gave him extra in his lunch box. that seemed to help.

good luck. meiou's DH u sound lovely.

just noticed for the first time ever I have been called a BITCH on MN.
Thank you for all the more sensible replies on this. I'll have to have a think and a chat with dh about this. I think the BUPA checkup would be the first step... mybe I am worrying unnecessarily?! He might be one of those people who gets away with it. Thank you for all the suggestions re. exercise, I'm sure that would really help, even if he doesn't lose much weight at least it'll make him a bit fitter.

Haven't read the all the thread - I'm still in shock that he feels unwanted cos you only have sex twice a week. Most dh's are lucky to get it twice a month /year lol

But seriously i do understand. My dh is a similar weight and really struggles to lose it. His problem is more due to lager and crisps and lack of exercise though, but like you I'm worried about him having a heart attack or something.

Has your dh tried an exercise bike. Mine does quite well with one (once he gets motivated) and its not as streuous as a treadmill.

i think the title is disgusting, he'll help himself when he's ready, i used to be very overweight and when my ex tried to get me to diet it made me depressed and i ate more. give him the love he needs and he'll do it when he's ready

When I was overweight (after 2 children in two years - gained a lot of weight in pregnancy and didn't do too well shifting it initially) I was in a sort of denial. One thing I contrived to do was always be behind the camera taking the photos and never be in them. I didn't use full length mirrors either.

When I did eventually see a photograph (unposed for - taken unawares) of fat, overblown me (yes, 11sleepstillxmas - I used the 'f' word) I was genuinely shocked about how old, fat and frumpy I looked. A photo became the catalyst for me loosing weight.

Can you take a fair few photos of your dh during the Christmas festivities so that he can subsequently see how big he has become?

The Slimming World diet works well btw - you can eat large quantities of (certain) food and still loose weight. It can be done on line.

errr... if all overweight people 'helped themselves when they're ready' we wouldn't haver such a staggeringly high rate of people dying of cardiovascular disease, would we?!

Dh happily admits he's fat, cos he is. No beating about the bush. He's a great guy, but he's unhealthily fat. So there. I love him very much, we have a very good marriage (apart from him thinking he should get laid more) and I would like him to lose weight to get more years with him than I will at the moment - is that so hard for some people to figure out?

I've been threatening to do it "when I'm ready" for twenty years; sometimes there's never a time when you feel "ready" because losing weight isn't easy, and it's hard to feel motivated when you have a lot to lose because it seems such an impossible task. Yes, I know that you have to eat less and move more - but if it were seriously as easy as that then no-one would be overweight. And when you are very overweight you can feel as if you're on a hiding to nothing because it takes so long, and because it is hard.

Have you spoken to him and made him aware of just how you feel about this? Does he know that what it boils down to is that you're not nagging him just because you don't like the fat, you're nagging him because you don't want him to die? Maybe he would be more inclined to do it if he really understood what the risks are. He might not, of course, but perhaps the idea of not seeing his children growing up would be enough to spur him on. That's the reason I have decided enough is enough, and I have to shift some weight. Not for me, not for dh, but for dd.

Do you think he would be interested in joining a gym? Or learning boxing, Judo, anything like that to get him moving? Could the two of you join a gym and spend some time together working to get fitter? I know you said that walking as a family for exercise won't work because of the children, but is there any chance you could get a babysitter once or twice a week, just for an hour, so that the two of you could get out and do some walking or some other exercise?

i wasn't suggesting for 1 minute that you don't love your dh, i believe you have started this thread because you love him, and yes i understand that there is a high death rate, but what i'm saying that , no matter how tactfully it is said, it will make people think you don't like them the way they are. not judging anyone, and don't want to cause a arguement, i'm just saying what it's like to be on the receiving end

just for the record, i am still around a stone and half overweight and am currently on sw diet, with the full support of my loving dp.