help, fat dh - what can I do to make him lose weight?

[geekgrrl]

If anything?

Dh has always been on the bigger side, but he's now exceeding 16 stone (107 kg I think). He's tried Reductil which was prescribed by our GP and that didn't do anything at all. He's tried restricting his calories quite severely for several weeks with very little result, so now he's given up and stuffs his face with complete crap, and plenty of it, too.
Last week we went to a concert and on the way he bought himself a KFC takeaway - he had a burger, a fajita-type thing and two small chicken pieces and said he was still hungry afterwards. At home we eat healthily but he always has huge portions with loads of extra stuff like cheese or whatever thrown in.
Total lack of exercise doesn't help, he doesn't have time to go to the gym but we do have a very nice treadmill at home, which he never uses. He can only do about 5 minutes on it before collapsing in a heap. It doesn't help that rather than pacing himself he'll do a sprint - I've told him he should set it to walking speed but he won't listen to me.
I'm getting really fed up. He looks so fat and it's just not nice, and I don't particularly want to be a widow at 50. His explanation, apart from the one that he just loves food, is that I don't make him feel wanted enough as we only have sex about twice a week so he comfort-eats.
I don't talk to him about it much, this sex-thing is always bound to crop up and what can I say to that?
He's killing himself and the awsome portions he eats are a terrible example for the children.

padlock and chain on the kitchen door?

I told my dp that it was not his weight that was turning me off him, but his attitude to food, everyone always looked to him to aeat the leftover
His mum will call him overweight yet force him to clear all the leftovers saying they'll only go to waste.
Once he realised that he has become much more moderate in what he eats. Away from home 3-4 nights a week, he will eat takeaways. But I have managed to get hi to change how and what he eats.
Smaller portions, filling up on fruit and ryvitas etc
He is losing weight very slowly, he is not that over weight maybe 1-2 stone and has a strong frame so it he does not look fat.
But the way he was eating like a garbage disposal really put me off him. I had tears in my eyes telling him as I knew it would hurt his feelings
But end result was worth it.

Re Exercise, it doesn't just have to be the gym, there are so many options. I use the gym because I like to 'feel' the exercise working and I prefer to do alone. Whereas DH hates the gym, he's very naturally competitive and so team sports are more motivational to him. He gets bored in a traditional gym environment.

Would your DH enjoy playing football or rugby ? Maybe he could join a local pub team to begin with ?

What about doing exercise as a family ? Swimming or maybe walking, if you have good walking country near you.

Ultimately his weight is his responsibility and there is nothing you can do to make him slim down, but you can encourage him without pandering to his 'it's your fault I'm fat' tendencies.

ah well, exercise as a family is really difficult at the moment, we've got 3 kids between 2 and 6, the middle one has special needs, so taking them anywhere tends to be a bit of a nightmare. Walking with them has to be at a pace so incredibly slow you might as well take a chair. There's always someone falling flat on their face every 10 yards it seems.
He does take the eldest out for the occasional bike ride but again, she's still a crap cyclist (needs stabilisers and still topples all the time) so it's not really very energetic either.

Maybe it'll all get better when the kids are a bit older.

He does have food issues from childhood, he's from a big family with little money and they'd always fight over the food on the table it seems.

If he wanted to pick up jogging, jogging alongside a bicycling child is practical, I know a few people who do it. The speeds are about right. And if your eldest is a slow cyclist at the moment, all the better, that will let him go slowly to start with.

I'm very surprised that your dh didn't lose much weight if he genuinely restricted his calories for a few weeks. I would have expected quite a dramatic loss at first. Do you think he was sneaking food when out of the house? I'm just wondering how serious he is about losing weight because if he has no intention of sticking to anything there's not much you can do.

Hi geekgrrl, my dp is fat too and i really understand your frustration. My experience is that a kick up the arse gets things moving, you just have to be prepared to take whatever happens next.

Last week I reached the end of my tether with my dp, and I told my dp that i'm angry at him for getting bigger and bigger, that it gets in the way of sex, and i don't fancy him sometimes because of it. Made a bit of a pigs ear of it really and he has slept on the sofa since, and says he's too injured to contemplate coming back upstairs.

He is waiting for a knee op and is in substantial pain and has slowed down, got bigger, more pain slowed down etc gradually over the past year. I'd absorbed all his anger and more anger for months. Then i realised, its not my problem and I don't have to have it taken out on me, and he's over 50 already and we cant afford life insurance so he's being iresponsible too.

Why i'm writing this is, although my dp is upset by my spilling of the beans, its the truth. I was sick of being blamed and bullied for his life. I got the same about sex, so i told him straight "what do you fu*?ing expect? Answer me this if you were a woman would you sleep with you? Probably not diplomatic enough, but it got through his denial shell.

Unfortunately he is the one who has to decide to lose the weight. My DH was slowly but surely piling on the pounds so we did low GI. I lost half a stone but he lost nothing. We couldnt figure this out until I drove his car and it was full or service station pie wrappers. When I pointed this out he did eventually quit the pie habit and the weight started to come off. He is now much happier but it took a long time for him to decide to do something

You sound like complete bitch geekgrrl.

er....pardon? Why?

The only thing that helped me to get going with the weight loss (I went from a size 18 to a size 12 this summer) was when I went to the GP and they suggested I had a barrage of tests as my weight combined with family history put me at high risk, ewven though I'm only 32. I joined weight watchers and went from there.

jstbcs why is she a bitch? She is clearly concerned about her dh's health. Have you read the whole thread?

yes, i have read the whole thread. and she doesnt sound very nice, maybe if she put out a bit more and showed her dd some affection he wouldnt feel the need to comfort eat...

"He looks so fat and it's just not nice"

If she was really just concnerned, the she would be talking to her dh and not on here bitching about him imo.

he sounds like a bit of a bastard tbh

it makes me angry to think that he is blaming the "lack" of sex on you!

there's not a lot you can do about it - he will lose weight when he wants to. Perhaps you should go on a complete sex strike - that might make him get his arse into gear?

Geekgrrl, if he really does have food issues then that needs addressing first. All the exercising and healthy eating in the world are futile unless he works through his issues - when someone has issues with food then their problem is about the way their brain is working, not the way their body is working.

I wonder if it's worth him talking to someone from the Eating Disorders Association ? It sounds as if he may be a compulsive over-eater because of issues he has from his childhood, and they might be able to help him with that.

jstbcs - would you feel like "putting out" if your husband was blaming their own problem on you?

Christalmighty, if I "put out" twice every week my DP would think it was Christmas. What the hell are you on, jcstbs?

well... if i thought that would solve the problem... men need to be needed, even is she doesnt feel like it maby she should consider some affection to make him feel better...

she could always turn the lights off and think of Robbie...lol... or whoever... or maybe try watchign porn at the same time...

Promise him a threesome if he tones up?

my DH came back from abroad with an extra 2 stone on him (admittingly thou it did suit him being a bit porkier - he's a skinny runt) anyhow he was mortified when he got on the scales and then looked in the mirror - basically what he did was cut out all the crap - ie pizz hut etc he'd been eating abroad (and he skipped brekkie but i'm not recommending he does that) I also cut his portion sizes down as he was really bloated after tea. now he's back to normal size - but he wanted to do it - until ur DH wants to loose the weight u're fighting a loosin battle.

but sex isn't the problem here - that's just what he wants her to think!

Try for an adult relationship which doesn't consider her partner a little boy to be bribed with sex instead of sweeties?

fwiw - twice a week's ample - we don't have sex that often! (mainly cos i'm pg! lol) cuddles and affection is just as important afaics.

No, sex isnt the problem, him being happy in the relationship is.. and sex is a good start....

Maybe he out on weight so he wouldnt have to have sex with you.. as a barrier?