Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Logistics of leaving DH - not sure I can.

39 replies

BoisJacques · 05/09/2011 11:17

I am stuck really. We rented out our home and now live at his mums. He is the sole earner - I do work, but only 2h a week. I will get no financial help because of the house we own, but I cannot afford to live there, even if I do ask the tenants to leave. I cannot really leave him, but live with him, not in his mums house! I have 3 DC 5 and under so working is just no viable. It's not awful, but I just cannot stay with him. There is just nothing. 10 years ago this year I gave up really on my old life and got with my ex, and it's been downhill ever since. I just want my life, any life, back.
What on earth can I do?

OP posts:
InTheArmyNow · 05/09/2011 12:24

Go and see CAB, review how much help you can get to live on with your dcs. Ask about housing benefits to rent a house if you can.

You have a home. I understand you don't think you could afford to live there. But it could be sold.

Go and see a sollicitor and check what you could get (With 3 dcs and you being a SAHM, you are likely to get more than 50% of the house).

Get as much information as you can/need. It is a very empowerful thing to do.

If you do want to leave , you CAN do it.

Having said that, what is it that is making living with your H so difficult? Has it got worse since you moved in his mum's? Did you do that because of debts issues?

Original poster
BoisJacques · 05/09/2011 13:18

I did ask advice before, but it was pretty much 'sell your house'. I won't get back onto the ladder for years and years, and I really want to hang on to the house for the DCs. I will get some help, but not housing benefit as it's my house. There is a thing you can get after 9 months where you get help with the interest, but DH would have to pay the motrgage for me for 9m. Plus I really don't want to go back to that town. I would get 100% of the house, DH has already told me. I put up all of the deposit, and I would have the DC. There isn't much equity anyway - DH knows the house is for the DCs future. I would rather stay in a miserable marriage for the next 20 years until the mortgage is gone, than sell it.

As I said, there is just nothing there. There was always an excuse for the lack of affection, interest etc. and I am just weary of it now. We moved here because he was going to join the forces Hmm - it's been 6 months now and he is still no further along. I anticipated it would only be about 3 months before his training started - he cannot apply until he has lost 3 stone and he has barely lost a lb. It's been 2 years now since he decided. I just have no life.

OP posts:
oldenoughtowearpurple · 05/09/2011 13:25

So you would rather stay in your miserable marriage and hang on to the house 'for the DCs' - well, that's your choice made then. Personally I think it's a ridiculous choice. Why do the DCs need a house for the future? You are only stuck if you choose to be.

Original poster
BoisJacques · 05/09/2011 13:55

Maybe I am being silly. We just worked so hard to get the house, do it up and because I am miserable it feels like it was all for nothing. The equity would just disapear.

OP posts:
buzzsorekillington · 05/09/2011 14:21

It's a house in a town you don't want to go back to!

I can understand it's a bitter pill to swallow, but it does seem like your main choice if you want to leave the marriage.

Otherwise you have to look at whether you can get work, and whether childcare etc will wipe you out or whether it would be liveable. Do you think your dh would pay child support etc or would he be awkward and make you chase him for it? If he'd be reliable, then that would give you some money coming in as well as whatever you could earn.

Personally I think 20 years of misery and modelling a poor relationship to your children isn't worth it. So you might not be able to provide much of an inheritance to the dc - well, lots of us have to make their own way in the world.

buzzsorekillington · 05/09/2011 14:22

our not their

GypsyMoth · 05/09/2011 14:24

What's the point of all this misery over a 'house'!!

Your dc must be miserable too. I never understand these posts about hanging onto a house when everyone is miserable. And housing benefit won't pay ANY mortgage on your house after 9 months either, it only pays the interest!

Original poster
BoisJacques · 05/09/2011 14:27

Yes, I know. I have been thinking it's time to let it go. With the equity I can buy a 2 bed terraced up north, rather than squander the money in rent. DH will pay support, his income will more than half though if he ever does join up. I cannot talk to him aout it all because he is at work, then training until at least 9.30pm. We seem to have this discussion over and over every few months.

OP posts:
missmehalia · 05/09/2011 14:31

I apologise if this sounds harsh, but the house is just an excuse. I agree totally with someone on here who says it is more important to model a positive relationship for your children than to leave them with such a poor relationship template, but some money.

Sounds like you're unhappy, and yet don't yet have the confidence or sense of empowerment to leave. Also sounds like you've already discussed it with your (ex?) partner - what does he say? Is he going to try and make it difficult for you?

Is there someone you can go and stay with for a bit to give yourself some headspace? You sound a bit lonely to me, and you're probably also feeling v v trapped. Grim... I agree that it is possible for you to leave if you really want to. Why not investigate moving much closer to other sources of support for you so you'd have help with the children?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 05/09/2011 14:31

With the equity I can buy a 2 bed terraced up north, rather than squander the money in rent. DH will pay support

You're in a pretty sweet position then, OP.

It doesn't sound like money concerns should be what is holding you back.

GypsyMoth · 05/09/2011 14:34

I have to say ( as an ex army wife) that joining up and all it entails, is bloody hard work for all involved. And a string relationship will be required for it to work out.

I loved army life though, miss it lots.

cestlavielife · 05/09/2011 14:35

will hs top you moving north?
if not then jsut go for it
it is nuts to stay miserable for material goods or a house

InTheArmyNow · 05/09/2011 14:44

Look I understand where you are coming from re the house. If you sell it, you have the feeling you will be left with pretty much nothing and you want to protect that equity.

Fair enough but you do realize that it still doesn't stop you from leaving this relationship. What you are talking about is just financial logistics.
What you need is to understand why is that house so important for you. You are saying that you pay for it, did it all up. you seem to have put a lot of effort into it.
On the other side you know that with the equity you can buy somethingelse 'up North'. Is that where you are coming from? Do you want to go back there?
Is the issue that you see a nice house, ni=ce area and if you sell yu will end up with a house, not as nice, not in area as nice but you can't afford anythingelse because you can't work?

Really you need to work that one through and see what is stopping you. Or is it just an 'excuse' for you not to leave because it is too frightening to be alone?

Original poster
BoisJacques · 05/09/2011 14:46

It sounds nice, but I mean something like this - I don't know anywhere up north at all - I live right near London and family is on the south coast (not an option to go there) It's just a scary prospect. I am probably very lucky though, you can never see it when it's yourself though Blush

OP posts:
buzzsorekillington · 05/09/2011 14:49

I think it might be a mistake to go up north if you have no family and friends there, starting over somewhere you don't know for the sake of owning a house, any house.

Owning a property is not the be all and end all.

GypsyMoth · 05/09/2011 14:54

How will the dv have a good standard if contact with their dad? Have you thought that through?

You can't just move away, your dc have rights

GypsyMoth · 05/09/2011 14:54

*dc

InTheArmyNow · 05/09/2011 14:55

Ok so the issue is that you can't keep up the house because you couldn't pay for it if you live in it but at the same time, you can't buy something else where you are living or near family. Is that right?

Is the rent covering all the morgage and cost associated with the house? If so, could you not keep up the house, pay for the cost of it with the rent and just rent something else? What you need is a good accountant/financial advisor who could tell you what to do re the house as a source of income and not as a house iyswim. The review what sort of help you can get.

InTheArmyNow · 05/09/2011 14:57

Tiffany, I am sorry but that's not the problem here.
And the Op is allowed to go and live 'up north' if she wants/sees it as more beneficial for her dcs. (even though this is obvioulsy NOT what she wants to do!)

Original poster
BoisJacques · 05/09/2011 15:08

I keep thinking if I wait until DS3 is in school (he is 12m) then I can work - or at least when he is at nursery and there is less childcare to pay for. Then I can 'survive'.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoisJacques · 05/09/2011 15:14

The rent literally just covers the mortgage and estate agent fees. I might come out with even less than £20,000 by the time I pay fees. I put £25,000 down and maybe the same again getting central heating/new kitchen etc. Seems like all that, and more, to come away with pittance. If I rent, it'll be gone in 12-18 months. Most of that money my mum gave me - that's probably the biggest thing. Worst thing I ever did was buy that house :(

OP posts:
buzzsorekillington · 05/09/2011 15:17

Well, if you really want to stick it out until your youngest is nursery age, then I reckon you should start working on making yourself as employable as possible for when the time comes to leave. (Unless you have a career you left but can return to and the two hours is 'keeping your hand in' enough). If that's not the case, then perhaps start a course or learn some new skills that you can do part-time. It would help your prospects of better paid work and would give you a positive focus for your life (apart from the dc, of course Smile) to make things more bearable.

InTheArmyNow · 05/09/2011 15:19

Sorry but no you won't.
Because at that time, you will look at how mcuh it would cost in childcare during the hols. Or if you want to work out of school hours. And it will be too expensive.
You will look at jobs that you can do during school hours. And find they are far in between, difficult to get and ... don't pay much (not the least because of the small number of hours).
Then you will wonder if you are not unfair on your youngest not to be there of him as much as the oldest etc...

It sounds more like an excuse....

You need to look at your relationship. What do you get out of it? What isn't that good? What do your dcs need? A happy mum or a house? A family where people are relaxed or one where people don't speak to each other and dream to be somewhere else. because your dcs are picking up on all that you know, even if you don't argue etc...in front of them.

buzzsorekillington · 05/09/2011 15:20

Although Army's probably right.

InTheArmyNow · 05/09/2011 15:21

So this is money that your mum gave you and that's why it is important for you??

What about selling the house and investing the money somewhere 'safe' (as you know you won't loose money) but not as a saving. Use the dividends of that investment for you and the dcs to live and get out.