Logistics of leaving DH - not sure I can.

[BoisJacques]

I am stuck really. We rented out our home and now live at his mums. He is the sole earner - I do work, but only 2h a week. I will get no financial help because of the house we own, but I cannot afford to live there, even if I do ask the tenants to leave. I cannot really leave him, but live with him, not in his mums house! I have 3 DC 5 and under so working is just no viable. It's not awful, but I just cannot stay with him. There is just nothing. 10 years ago this year I gave up really on my old life and got with my ex, and it's been downhill ever since. I just want my life, any life, back.
What on earth can I do?

[BoisJacques]

I was going to do an access to social work course this year, but childcare is just too much and for that level of education you cannot get a student loan :( I am doing a very part time job now (only job I can really do as I can take the DSs with me) to try and save for an OU course. Taking months though, and that's only a 10 pointer starter course! My dream job I have found out I cannot do because of my past health, and the second job I passed with flying colours at the assesment stage (this is to do the jo on a very part time voluntary basis) but then failed because of a defaulted account I had :( (to add insult to injury it was really DHs just in my name) Just in such a rut now

[BoisJacques]

If I thought I would come out even, it wouldn't be so bad, just a wee bit annoying. It's the fact I will lose tens of thousands of money my mum gave me, and worked hard to give me. I couldn't put the money away, because I would have to use it (rightly) to live on.

[buzzsorekillington]

Maybe you should turn it around a bit. Would your mum have rather seen you stick out a miserable marriage in order to hold onto money, or would she have wanted you to use it to get out and be happy?

[GypsyMoth]

Er I'm sorry, but it could well be a problem if the DH goes for a prohibited steps order!!!!

[BoisJacques]

She would rather I stuck at the marriage! She thinks I have it made.

[InTheArmyNow]

Tiffany, I'm sorry but I am a bit lost there.
The Op is saying that she isn't ready to leave. She was looking at what she could buy with the equity of the house and only found something 'up north' She never said she was going to move.
Her H seems to have no major problem with her looking after the dcs, having the house and is planning to enrol in the army (which means he would be away quite a lot).
She never ever said she didn't want her H to see the dcs..
So why are you talking about prohibited steps orders???

[buzzsorekillington]

Oh sorry, I'd got the idea she was dead. Oops.



OK, so no support from mother. Why does she think you've got it made?

[GypsyMoth]

Op said logistics, where she chooses to live is part of that! It's not just 'financial logistics'!

Does he know you plan to leave him op?
What are his thoughts?

[GypsyMoth]

Op if you arent working/benefits as income you can do the social work degree with the ou.....free

[stubbornhubby]

BoisJacques - what you are suffering from is the Endowment Effect -- over-valuing something what you already own.

You say that if you sold the house you would clear £20,000, but you value the house more than £20k.

But think of it thios way: if you had no house at all, and £20k of your own in the bank.. well, you wouldn't be rushing out to put it all down as a deposit on a house, would you? You'd be pleased you had £20k and the freedom it gave you.

[GypsyMoth]

That's after DH has his part if the money?

[missmehalia]

You really, really need to get independent financial and legal advice so you feel in command of all your options. We could all speculate til the cows come home. Sounds like you're in mourning for the more comfy financial and practical situation you thought marriage would bring you.

[CactusRash]

What stubbornhubby said.

You need practical financial advice re this house and what you can and can't do with it, incl the impact on the benefits you would be recieving.

Once you know that, it will help you letting go of what 'could have been' and move on.