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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So my DP has just been arrested....

138 replies

foreveryours · 03/09/2011 03:53

For assaulting me..... What do I do now?

OP posts:
nickschick · 04/09/2011 19:36

Which is why they need to talk about and discuss things and not get physical.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2011 19:37

So, let me get this right, it's OK for the OP to 'grab and pull' and dictate where her dp sleeps, but not for her dp to retaliate?

Yes. It is not ok to retaliate. It is ok for her to say her DP should sleep on the couch or wherever. I'm sure he knows what constitutes assault since he is a policeman. If he had a problem with what she did he should have cautioned her or called the police himself. He decided instead to throw her to the ground.

What you're suggesting is that he has a right to do whatever he wants despite her wishes. On a larger scale, most women who have been victims of DV have been accused of 'starting it' or 'provocation' and it is often asked 'why not leave?', why not leave your house or your bedroom, etc.

Just on a general level, being drunk is obviously a problem, but it does not excuse the sort of force that was used against the OP. Lots of people get drunk, men and women alike, and they do not get thrown to the ground or pushed against a wall. It is not the natural consequence of drunkenness.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2011 19:45

She didn't knowingly instigate a physical fight, she asked him to leave the bedroom and followed his refusal with grabbing and pulling in order to get him to leave.

What happened next was entirely up to him, and he chose the 100% wrong course of action. She is not responsible for what he chose to do, just for what she did. He is 100% responsible for what he did, and unless you are suggesting that there can be extenuating circumstances for the sort of violence he visited upon her, and by extension any violence on any DV victim, he should take responsibility, for his own actions, which he has not done. He has instead apologised but made it clear that he believes it was all her fault -- a spectacularly meaningless gesture and in fact abuse all by itself.

And if she wasn't afraid before, Nickschick, she probably is now. Because next time she confronts him, drunk or sober, what can she expect?

nickschick · 04/09/2011 19:46

I think being drunk doesnt give her the right to dictate where her dp sleeps,how he will move to where she wants him to sleep and the right to then instigate physical violence.

Had this been a clear thing where op wasnt drinking then maybe id have a different view.

FredBare · 04/09/2011 19:48

keep off the booze, doesnt seem to be your best friend

nickschick · 04/09/2011 19:49

But you see mathanxiety (im not provoking an argument with you) why didnt she say Im not sleeping in the room with you.....she is responsible for herself she cant dictate where he sleeps...what gives her the right to dictate where he sleeps?

Hes drunk,he sees a lot of violence in his job hes pushed her back not with any great force as i think a hefty shove from a bloke could resuilt in v serious injury.

Its not right,of course its not but neither was eithers behaviour.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2011 19:53

So if a DV victim is to be taken seriously she needs to be the Virgin Mary?

As for who gets to dictate where anyone sleeps -- I would say if I were ever asked to sleep on the couch I probably would. It would have been sensible of the DP to see that when she asked him to do that, there was probably no point to any more engagement with her. He was either too drunk to take the hint or too pig headed to accept her request.

nickschick · 04/09/2011 20:00

No Maths thats not what Im saying at all.
This is the thing with DV threads,it all becomes a bit bf v ff or school v home ed and dont forget extended bf everyone has an opinion on that Grin.

See I dont think it is reasonable to ask dh to sleep elsewhere if i dont wish to sleep with him i sleep elsewhere if he doesnt wish to sleep with me he sleeps elsewhere (the sofa gets a lot of use lol).

I dont and wouldnt argue with dh when he or I was drunk not because im afraid of him just because it seems sensible the same way I wouldnt argue with a neighbour/friend/taxi driver when drunk.

And as for calling the police hoping theyd just chat to him anyone knows theyd arrest him.

FredBare · 04/09/2011 20:14

its not only wimmin who can be victims of domestic violence

maybe she likes to be a bit handy when she has had a few, we only have her side of the story

ThePosieParker · 04/09/2011 20:20

I'm astounded by the attitudes on this thread. Being a man has certain responsibilities and one of them is resisting physical exertion over your, usually smaller, partner. Her husband should have stayed on the couch. Being the stronger sex means back off.....just like when my children lash out I have a responsibility not to hit back.... not that the OP lashed out, she was trying to move a drunk irrational bully from the bedroom.

As for people really frightened not provoking???? Jesus fucking christ. Provocation is in the eye of the intimidator isn't it? Provoking some men is simply cold gravy....then the 'mrs' is right for a beating.

Original poster
foreveryours · 04/09/2011 20:21

Firstly, my DP does not officially live with me but stays most nights....so I believe I can tell him not to sleep in what is my bedroom. Yes ok alcohol was involved and I did gran his arm to get him out the room. I'm only 5'6 and under 7st I'd hardly be able to physically move a man who's 5'10 and average build.

So just because he's a policeman, I should let him get away with stuff? I was in a very abusive relationship before for 6years so I get scared very easily.

There is more to this story it started as an argument, over him sending messages to a girl asking for topless photos. Even in my drunken stat I think I deserved to be angry!

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 04/09/2011 20:21

nickschick.....nope anyone doesn't know he'd be arrested.

ThePosieParker · 04/09/2011 20:22

forever yours.....press charges and move on. Seriously he sounds like a right wanker.

Original poster
foreveryours · 04/09/2011 20:30

He really isn't a wanker, he treats me well (apart from this incident). Apparently the messages were stupid harmless flirting. He's apologised and assures me it meant nothing and I believe him but it still hurts and winds me up. Yes ok I know you've only heard my story and I've admitted I am a bitch when drunk but verbally not physically.....

OP posts:
catwalker · 04/09/2011 20:34

Forever - your earlier post said you were arguing over "stupid petty things"; now you tell us you were arguing over him asking for topless photos from another woman. You originally said you called the police because you were shocked but now you imply that you were scared.....

mathanxiety · 04/09/2011 20:35

That means imo that you have every right to ask him to leave, leave your room or your house. I think a person has a right to ask someone she thinks is too drunk to be decent company to sleep elsewhere no matter what, but if it's your house then there is no argument. I would press charges.

Foreveryours, notwithstanding that no-one has a right to ever push you down or be abusive, I would say never bring up any previous grievances with someone who is out of their tree. You will never have a sensible discussion with someone who is drunk and nothing will get settled.

Hopefully you are not going to have any more to do with him. He has taken massive liberties here.

edd1337 · 04/09/2011 20:36

Give him another chance but lay down a firm rule about NO DRINKING

You both can't seem to control your actions when you are drunk but you can control your actions before you get drunk. Don't have a drink

Make it like a if you get drunk, stay elsewhere rule

Original poster
foreveryours · 04/09/2011 20:42

Catwalker - I believe that the messages were petty, he never cheated me and I know he wouldn't, he no longer talks to this woman and has deleted her. Like I said it still annoys me and we argued about it. I never said I was scared and that's why I called, I stated I was in a abusive relationship before.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 04/09/2011 20:43

LOL Edd. Next time you get drunk in mixed company will you have only yourself to blame if you end up being assaulted?

It's her house.
She can get drunk if she wants to.
Nobody but the perpetrator is responsible for what he does to her.

Forever do not give this man another chance. He has had the chance to apologise and has made it clear that he feels completely entitled to treat you like dirt.

carpwidow · 04/09/2011 20:45

I'm with you catwalker. OP has changed story. Also, I'd like to throw this in the ring - would OP (hand on heart) have phoned the police if her partner had not been a policeman? Did this influence her decision to phone, what I assume, may be his colleagues? And for the record, I would never condone voilence against women. These are just a coupe of things I have picked up from the thread.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2011 20:46

Edd, If he himself doesn't think drinking is a problem after what he has done, he should. It is not up to Forever to police his behaviour. If he had taken any of what he did seriously he would have sworn off the drink himself immediately, if only because he was recently arrested by his own colleagues because of his level of intoxication. But no, he has used it as an excuse.

edd1337 · 04/09/2011 20:47

If you look at the posts mathanxiety she tried to pull him around. Perhaps he felt threatened? Think outside the box

mathanxiety · 04/09/2011 20:47

The idea that a man should not be shown up in front of his colleagues for DV has now reared its ugly head.

edd1337 · 04/09/2011 20:48

If he's arrested by his own colleagues, lesson learnt. If he's stupid enough to reoffend then theres no hope, she should get out of there

carpwidow · 04/09/2011 20:50

How long ago did the topless photo thing occur? It is difficulty to know the full facts, but your posts have given the impression that this is something that continually winds you up and probably can't put to bed, therefore bringing it up when you have been drinking?