So my DP has just been arrested....

[foreveryours]

For assaulting me..... What do I do now?

He hasn't appologised has he? If he was sorry, he'd be taking most, if not all, the responsibility for what happened.

Forever
I had to call the police three times re my ex. First time he broke something and I was shit scared. We made it up. Second time he refused to leave and barricaded himself in my flat. When police came he resisted efforts to make him go and so broke a window, he was arrested but I dropped charges. Third time he pushed me and put his hands round my neck. I was holding our DS (10 weeks old). He pleaded not guilty, I had to go to court.
I tried to save things. He was around but never forgave me for "trying to put him in prison" and told my DD that on a number of occasions. He continued pushing, shoving, being verbally abusive, emotionally abusive. I wanted us to be the exception to the rule and get over it. I loved him, thought there were good things not least our DS. We didn't make it because every argument we had me calling the police came up and used against me.
Your DP needs to accept his part in this, perhaps you were both drunk but you were the one with carpet burns, you were the one who was scared enough to call the police. You need time to think and he does too. If it is a one off, then it is as dangerous for a relationship as an affair and as hard to unpick. Take time, read, think ... don't be pushed into forgiving and accepting blame and get rid of him (temporarily perhaps) but create some real space between you.

Hmm funny one this, sounds more like a drunken push and shove to me, you grabbed him and tried to drag him out of his bedroom, he pushed you and you ended up on the floor.

Only you know know if it was worth calling the police, I think perhaps this may be a sign that you are not happy with him anyway, if you felt so scared you had to call the police in, then maybe you don't trust him enough anyway.

I think you must be very naive if you thought they might just have a wee word in his ear and leave him in the house with you, unfortunatly it may have serious reprecusions for all involved now including you and your ds, unless that is you do want rid of him.

Ex-p was arrested for assaulting his partner. Poor lamb. She goaded him and then threw a glass of water at him. He hit her but it "wasn't a punch, otherwise that would have knocked her out"

He did massive public penance because he wanted to save his carreer but he never stopped going on about how she was crazy and emphasising how much he suffered.
I was a bigger idiot than him because I believed him and took him back. That was two years ago. I can't explain with any clarity why I did this. I knew he would never lift his hand to me and he didn't. Instead he was was controlling and verbally abusive. He went into an abuser program and learned to keep the abuse under the radar - I had partner support and learned some self-respect and perspective on the sort of father my DD deserved (clue - it wasn't him)
Finally ditched the fucker a couple of months ago. Best decision I ever made.
Funnily enough he is an ex-policeman.

At the end of the day did you call the police because you were in fear of him and what he might do to you or because you wanted them to sort him out as you had had enough of the drunken arse.

She said it was because she thought they would talk to him.
Its hard to make judgment without having actually seen what happened but there is no doubt his attitude now is faulty as he is blaming her.

I am making no judgements, I have been in some fairly horrific domestic situations myself, yes she wanted to police to talk to him, I am asking if this was because she was in fear or because she had had enough of him being a drunken arse.

It may be that he is an arrogant man with violent tendencies or maybe it was a one off because he was very drunk, only she will know this.

If the it was reversed and it was a man who had grabbed a woman and tried to drag her out of her bedroom, she was drunk and retailiated by shoving him back against the wall and he fell over...... who sounds like the baddy now. This all depends on the situation and events surrounding this single event really there may be much more going on that she has never had the balls to tell anyone, maybe he is a controller who has her on eggshells everyday, maybe she has just had enough and the relationship is over, maybe she is a squealing banshee and he had enough. Who knows.......

Contact women's aid. Sorry but if you thought it was bad enough to call the police in the first place, it was bad enough.
You need to talk to someone (not his family, or the police) to sort out what went on/is going on.
BTW he couldn't both apologise and say its all your fault.

I'll admit I'm a bit of a bitch when drunk, but that night I wasnt that drunk, I am able to rember everything. He doesn't, that night he thought I was going to throw a cup of tea over him. He thought I went to the kitchen for a knife, then he thought I went into the bathroom to do something stupid....I've never ever done any of those things before to even give him the slightest idea for me to do them. I really don't know what got into him, unless his drink was spiked. We've been around each other drunk before and we've never pushed each other around. I think I only called the police because I was shocked at what happened I never wanted him to get into trouble. He believes what he thinks he remembers which were paranoid drunken illusions. We have an amazing relationship and he's apologised for the pushing and arguing, but I'm the one that feels to blame when I know I wasnt..it's not a nice feeling

Sorry I didn't mean to sound unsympathetic (sp?), but you must have known he would get in a lot of trouble or even just hassle for this, so if your thoughts were clear at the time, you must have been scared/ shocked enought to call the police.

What ever outcome you want this is going to take a lot to sort out, maybe is worried what the consequences will be with both you and his work if he admitts he was in the wrong, rather than just claiming you over reacted.

I suppose now you really have to think about what you want the outcome to be and basicly decide if you want to stay with him. If you want to stay together a big part of that might be him admitting he was in the wrong, but again if he thinks an admission may mean further action and trouble then I suppose he won't.

It really is up to you what your next move is, but I think I would want to get it square in my head, was it purely the drink, does he/ will he have violent tendencies, was it both of us just getting out of hand etc etc etc. Maybe its never going to be that clear.

Regardless of the reasons for that night, I think you will have to look at your whole relationship, and how it all works normally and under stress, how does he speak to you, how does he make you feel etc.

Maybe a wee time out needed, perhaps a day or two away at mums or friends just to give it a chance to sink in with him and time for you to get your thoughts and plans straight.

playingwithbuses i wasnt suggesting you were judgey,i think im on the same line as you but ment its hard for any of us to make an accurate guess as to the true situation iyswim? Like you i had a horrendous experience and i am always aware that this could cloud my judgement as im kind of desensitised to it.
My dh always does his best to persue and charge dv perpetrators but he dose get frustrated with the Sunday calls to 999 from people both men and women who have been in a 2 way row andcalled the police as a retaliation.A woman claimed to have been shoved the other day-she was on bail for beating the absolute crap out of a girl dh says it makes the police miss the really serious cases-of course all dv is serious but there are degrees of it.
op whatever happens dont let him blame you for his own actions,he needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour drunk or not,as do you. If there is a chance he was spiked he should get tested as this will help him to keep his job.
I behaved very strangely on my birthday after afew wines-am well used to a few wines-i remember feeling mad and was literally out of control,dh had to bring me home and i was very sick the next day,i can only assume i was spiked.

I agree with Ledkr that there's no way we can really know what happened on the basis of the information we have been given. It sounds like they'd both had too much to drink (I'm a bit shocked at the OP's comment that she can't have been that drunk because she can remember what happened...). They were both apparently being argumentative. The OP decided she didn't want to share a room with her dp so she grabbed him and tried to push him out of the room (instead of leaving the room herself). What follows sounds to me like two drunks pushing each other around. We don't know how much physical aggression there really was on either side. Did she gently take hold of his arm and try to lead him out of the room whilst talking soothingly to try and calm him down? Or did she grab and shove as hard as she could whilst swearing and screaming at him? Both extremes I know but we don't know what happened.

The OP says she called the police because she was "shocked at what had happened" not because she was frightened of him or feared for her personal safety. I find it difficult to believe that anyone in a relationship with a policeman would not understand the potential consequences of calling the police out in a situation like this.

The OP also says that she knows she wasn't to blame yet she was the one who apparently initiated the physical aggression by grabbing and pulling.

Of course he could be a nasty manipulative and violent bully who terrified the living daylights out of her - but it sounds to me like there is blame on both sides. Unfortunately, the consequences for her dp are potentially devastating.

As Ledkr says, sounds like you BOTH need to take responsibility for your actions.

'I never wanted him to get into trouble. He believes what he thinks he remembers which were paranoid drunken illusions. We have an amazing relationship and he's apologised for the pushing and arguing, but I'm the one that feels to blame when I know I wasnt..it's not a nice feeling'

This is a massive attitude problem of his. Drinking on his part is not an excuse for what he did. Drinking on your part does not mean you are to blame for his massive overreaction when you tried to get him out of your face. What you want from him is an unconditional apology. Either he understands that he absolutely cannot abuse you physically or he does not. There can be no extenuating circumstances.

Don't try to analyse him or assume there are paranoid drink induced illusions going on here. He knows well what he did and that it was not right. He is not willing to admit he is in the wrong and the best defence is offence -- blaming you, saying you threw the first punch/you were drunk/you had violent intentions. If you show any sign of believing any of that or dismissing it as paranoia and drink related you will be in for a right old time with him in the future. Challenge everything he says about this incident.

At the bottom of all this is his attitude that he has some entitlement to treat you as he pleases because his job is important or his recollection of the events must be right or he has a right to retaliate according to his own perceptions of what is going on. The drink is only the occasion and not the cause here. People don't become someone else entirely when drunk. They may be someone else entirely when sober but when the inhibitions go down that is when the truth is revealed.

I disagree with Catwalker and Ledkr. I don't think your opinions could be more wrong on this one.

So, let me get this right, it's OK for the OP to 'grab and pull' and dictate where her dp sleeps, but not for her dp to retaliate? Some people might think the op's initial behaviour a massive overreaction. Neither party has behaved very well in my view.

ledkr. You sound like your gauge may be a little off, DV is not a competition.

OP. Counselling or out, that's my advice.

Oh, and "grabbing and pulling" is assault you know.

catwalker. So when a woman asks her husband to sleep elsewhere and he refuses, then she physically tries to move him it's okay for him to push her up against the wall and then to the floor? WTF?

So it's OK for the op to tell him he can't sleep in his own room and try to physically force him out? If she didn't want to be in the same room why didn't she go to another? I'm merely suggesting that we don't know how much force was used on either side. But what does seem clear is that it was the op who started being physical first.

Well OP is insisting that she couldn't have been that drunk because she remembers correctly what happened.

Her P is insisting that he is correct because he remembers correctly what happened.

Both had been drinking.

Rather than going away and sleeping elsewhere after petty arguments OP grabbed and dragged her P out of the room. She obviously wasn't scared that he would retaliate by beating her up to do this.

He pushed her against the wall and pushed her over.

They sound as bad as each other.

Neither of them should have got physical with each other at all male or female it makes no difference.

yes posie i admited to that but as a dv victim i also feel my opinion is vallied and still feel thst you cannot push and order someone around just because you are a woman.Would it have been ok the other way around or for her to have done that to a female friend? He didnt hit her he pushed her and has never done it before according to the op.
That is why i made the point that we have only heard the op and have no other details.
The thing that concerns me now as i said is his blaming it on her and refusing to take any responsibility for his own actions.

So where in this does the OP give any impression that her dp would have tried to rape her?.

They were drinking,they had some petty rows,she asked him to sleep elsewhere-he refused so she dragged at him he pushed her away.

She rang the police hoping theyd talk to him- they didnt they arrested him- so he could counter alledge she pushed/pulled at him first?

He's a policeman not known to violent outbursts so theres no presumption this is ongoing.

Bad as each other Id say armed with the info OP has given.

(not wanting to argue with you OP and its nothing personal)

Being pushed isnt nice but then again being pulled isnt v nice either- if a girl gives it she should take it (to an extent obv) - you need to address the issues before you drink together again.

The rape thing has me how can you summise that?

Well tbh I can see that he would blame her (not that im saying its right) she said he should sleep elsewhere,she instigated the pushing/pulling she phoned the police........

Women who are genuinely afraid of their partners rage dont instigate physical fights.

Yes i did think the rape thing was a bit ott but unlike northern to overreact so i thought id missed something.

We could go on all night really,some people think any form of physical contact by a man to a woman is dv provoked or not,others dont aggree.

What is important is that women have the means and the confidence not to put up with what they find unacceptable.

If these type of incidents occur then much communication needs to happen where oth parties discuss how it came to happen and both accept their part in it and either move on or aggree to separate.

If one person refuses to accept their actions were unacceptable to the other then there is little hope that it wony happen again.

I would be very concerned if this type of thing happened in my house and dh refused to take any responsibility and blamed me completely.