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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had enough

32 replies

hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 11:16

I want to leave my husband. He is making my life miserable.

I know he won't leave the family home.

I can't just up and leave with 2 children to care for.

I will go and see a solicitor next week to get things moving.

My grounds will be "unreasonable behaviour". There is a lot of emotional abuse.

He is going to hit the roof when he gets a letter from a solicitor.

Just need to talk really.

The final straw was today when (after months of asking) he will not commit to minding out 2 year old for a single day. He won't just say yes or no (so that I could have made other plans) he just leaves me hanging. Bastard.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 02/09/2011 11:19

Do you really want to be in the same house, living, when he gets the dol letter? Difficult, but how do you think it will work?

Original poster
hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 11:24

What else am I supposed to do? What do people do?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 02/09/2011 11:27

I left, but my ex was violent so I moved to a hostel. Was different for me

Would his abuse turn to violence? He can't be forced out of his home so guess he would stick it out to maximise emotional abuse further?

Original poster
hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 11:33

That's about it Tiff. No, there is no physical abuse.

He keeps saying he'll just up and leave if he's had enough and I keep wishing he bloody well would. He's got it too easy though really.

OP posts:
SaggyHairyArse · 02/09/2011 11:34

After 10 years of abusive behaviour, last spring I gathered all the information I needed (Benefits Agency/Solicitor/housing etc) and told my STBXH that our marriage was over and, basically, told him he had to move out.

Go and see a Solicitor, find out what your rights are, work out whether you want to leave the family home or stay and whether you can afford to and then you need to have the talk with him.

If he has been abusive, could you live under the same roof as him whilst the divorce is processed. I started proceedings last August and mine still isn';t finalised...

Original poster
hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 11:43

I hate living with him, but I think unless SOMEONE makes him leave he won't. He doesn't do anything unless he wants to.

He's not "abusive enough" for me to have any rights to make him leave. Me and the children are in no physical danger.

As with everything, even though he knows the marriage is over, it'll be ME doing everything. I just don't know if I've got the energy. When am I supposed to do it?

You know what I'm so upset about? That NO ONE stands up to him. I've confiding in quite a few people, and they're all sympathetic, but NOT ONE person will actually come round and tell him he's being a bastard. NOT ONE. They don't want to get involved or just tell me to leave him.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2011 12:10

Look, other people coming round and telling to behave himself won't work and they know this. He will either get angry and tell them to fuck off (and then attack you) or he will make big sad eyes at them and either blame you or go 'Oh dear I'll be a good boy in future.' And then attack you once they have gone.
As to what to do if he won't leave the house, tell him you are separating and therefore you will not be doing his cooking or laundry any more, he can make his own arrangements.

Ohforfoxsake · 02/09/2011 12:50

I would recommend counselling. One of the first things they ask you is what you want to do - if it's to split up they will support you, if it's to stay they will support you. You can go alone, going together may make him realise you are serious, but it will help. Also have a conversation with a solicitor. When you make it a bit more real it is quite frightening and you need support.

Original poster
hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 12:51

"other people coming round and telling to behave himself won't work and they know this." Do they? Or is is that they just don't want to get involved? I just feel abandoned. You are right though, it won't do any good for our relationship.

I'm a bit scared of not doing his cooking or laundry. He'll make my life hell.
He'll come home at 8.30pm, make a massive mess and leave it. Do I just have to accept that to get out of this it's going to be really hard before it gets better?

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 12:53

ohfor. He would not agree to counselling.

I talked to a solicitor about 2 1/2 years ago (when he was emotionally abusive towards me and damaging my possessions when I was preg.) and he was sent a "you'd better change or else...." letter.

It was scary, but I needed him to see that I would not accept it.

OP posts:
Ohforfoxsake · 02/09/2011 12:58

He doesn't need to go then. It is for you, so you can stay focussed and have some back up. Relate will let you pay what you can, and will do phone sessions if you can't make it out.

Original poster
hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 13:07

ohfor Thanks. I am not sure when I'd get the time for Relate. I don't get down time (during Relate hours) at home. I suppose I could do a call during work hours (no private place to call though, so I'd have to sit outside - and hope the weather was nice!).

We have plentiful savings. I am worried that a massive chunk will go on this.

I'm not expecting anyone here to have solutions, it's very calming to bash my worries out here. And of course, I'm in a very negative mood right now.

OP posts:
SnapesMistress · 02/09/2011 13:28

Is there no way you can move out?

Original poster
hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 13:42

Snapes I don't know. The upheaval of it all scares me. I'm not allowed to just take the children with me, am I?

I could take the 2YO, that would be fine, but the 12YO...not so easy.

I could, of course, if I had to.

OP posts:
MajorB · 02/09/2011 13:54

If you have "plentiful" savings, then the first thing I would do would be look at rental properties nearby, and get a deposit down on something that you and the kids could move into for say 6 months.

Speak to a solicitor, and get the ball rolling on all the legal stuff and when you're in a position to move out with the kids then tell him that day and go.

I realise that you're feeling let down by those around you but it's only really you who knows how this is affecting you and the children, and it's only you who can do something about it.

You have given out false signals to your friends/family by saying how bad things are and staying with him when you have the funds to leave. Once you do leave, and people see you are serious about ending your marriage then I am sure the support will be forthcoming, but it's always difficult for outsiders to interfere in another's marriage as if they attempt to "help" by breaking up the marriage and then you decide to stay with your husband then a rift in the family/friendship is assured.

I say this as someone who listened and supported a friend who was categorically going to leave her partner and take her two kids with her for similar reasons that you give for leaving, and the next week she gleefully announced their engagement, and expected me to be help her with her wedding plans, and queried why I wasn't more enthusiastic about it all!

GypsyMoth · 02/09/2011 14:28

Look, you have savings. Take them and go. He will make your life he'll otherwise, and are you strong enough for that on top of everything else? Yes, take the children, people split all the time

Ate you main carer now? if so, no problem.

Claim benefits you are entitled to unroll back on your feet.

GypsyMoth · 02/09/2011 14:28

Unroll?? Mean until!!

Original poster
hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 14:59

Thank you Major and Tiff. You know, the thought of actually leaving makes me feel a lot better - in control.

Major your comments on false signals rang true. Thank you. You're right, the support will be there once I have actually left.

I am certainly the main carer for the 2YO. For the 12YO, no, as he works P/T. However, he doesn't actually DO much caring IYWIM.

OP posts:
SnapesMistress · 02/09/2011 15:14

I think you can 'just take' the children with you, you are the primary carer even for the 12 yr old. Anyway, the 12 yr old is old enough to be asked whether he wants to go with you or stay.

TheOriginalFAB · 02/09/2011 15:21

Take the money, get your kids and go to a B&B.

GypsyMoth · 02/09/2011 15:32

Do you work?

Ask local council if they do the rent assist scheme. They give you the deposit/advance rent on a place, also a list of landlords who accept housing benefit.

Women's aid hostel? Emotional abuse is still abuse. An advantage if being in a hostel for a short time means you wil be 'homrless' officially and top of social housing lists.

I left that way (MOD hostel) with 4 dc with me and got re housed in lovely house and area. It was worth it. There is help out there

solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2011 15:38

Yes, you can take the children you are their mother and primary carer. You do not need this man's permission to dump him, and it may well be possible for you to move back into the family home and have him removed from it - talk to Women's Aid as well as a lawyer. You can do it. Best of luck.

cestlavielife · 02/09/2011 16:08

rent somewhere
take the children
you leave a note saying
i am moving as of today with the children as our relationship is over.
i suggest the following schedule for them to visit with you
mon weds fri from after school until xx time. (state if overnight or not)
plus alternate weeknds fri to sunday evening.

if he kicks off in any way then make sure contact is supervised eg friend or is out in public.

do not ever let him into your new home. not to see the dc there. they see him outside this new home

Original poster
hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 16:16

But why do I have a right to take the children and then lay down my rules as to when he sees them?

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenoughifthis · 02/09/2011 16:17

Yes, I work. I do not want to make myself homeless nor claim benefits.

OP posts:
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