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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH slapped our 12 year old son on the head tonight.I am very upset about this. AM I overreacting?

115 replies

respite · 31/08/2011 22:55

we have 3 kids, oldest is 12.
Minor squabbling at dinner table tonight, dh thought (wrongly) that 12 year old son was stirring things and as he walked past him he slapped him on the top of his head. Not hard, but not soft either.

We all looked very shocked and ds's eyes filled with tears, and once I had overcome my momentary speechlessness, said asked him why he did it especially as Ds had done nothing wrong but even if he had he should NEVER slap him on the head.

DH said sorry and left the room , he was obviously angry and came back a minute later and ranted at us all, said he was sick of the squabbling blah blah blah. I repeated "you don't slap someone EVER , for any reason" he said it was hardly a slap...then he went out to the gym and I went to bed early to avoid him.

I am VERY upset by this. I took ds aside later in the evening and asked him if he wanted to talk about what happened earlier. He said he was fine, daddy had not slapped him hard, and he did not want me to bring it up again with daddy

I welcome all comments.

OP posts:

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 01/09/2011 17:02

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CardyMow · 01/09/2011 20:15

MJ - You say that one person backs down if the other has stong opinions on something - but who backs down if you both have strong, opposing viewpoints? Just wondering as i've been in that situation before - and when it comes to my dc, I am like a lioness with her cubs, and if it's something I have strong views on - I am certainly NOT going to back down!

babyhammock · 01/09/2011 20:29

If anyone slapped DS, any united front would not apply...end of. I am very anti smaking and I'd tell whoever it was in no uncertain terms how I felt immediately and, in the scenario that the OP was in, I would have taken DS away from the situation immediately and comforted/reassured him. OP Obviously couldn't do that with two other DCs at the table so I think her reaction was completely right.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 01/09/2011 21:55

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Original poster

respite · 01/09/2011 23:11

Thanks again MJ for more input. Your situation is very interesting but can you see that it is quite unlike most people's in terms of how mothers would react if the father whacked their child on the head?

OP posts:

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 01/09/2011 23:14

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Original poster

respite · 01/09/2011 23:46

MJ so glad to hear you got our of that terrible domestic situation.
I would not ever describe my dh of being guilty of DV but the whack on the head was an extension of his grumpiness and his short fuse and occasional angry outbursts

OP posts:

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 02/09/2011 00:19

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Fairenuff · 02/09/2011 17:09

respite have you talked to him about this yet? Now it's all blown over as far as he's concerned, it can be difficult to raise the subject again but I think it needs to be done.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/09/2011 22:03

respite

"dh thought (wrongly) that 12 year old son was stirring things"

Personalising this and not looking at the hitting.

My Mother never saw my elder brother's actions as stirring or annoying or bullying. (even to her dying day).

It has taken my father 40+ years to see what my brother was/is like.

I would ask that you look at your eldest sons actions and see how his siblings react.

You may find it cute or funny but they may not.

Original poster

respite · 02/09/2011 23:49

boney, thanks. DS is very capable of stirring things. ALl of my children are.
On this occasion he wasn't.
Fairenuff, not yet but I will

OP posts:

niceguy2 · 03/09/2011 10:35

I'd agree DH is being unreasonable if he'd slapped the child across the face but the fact you say that he slapped DS on top of his head as he walked past...suggests it wasn't a premeditated action. I mean who slaps someone on top of the head.

But jesus....let's get things into context here.

Kids were squabbling, DH is sick of it and he slapped him on top of his head. Personally I'm thinking where's the problem???? Your son is 12 years old, not 12 months old. I know a lot of people think physical punishment is wrong but I don't think you can even call it that. Christ, your son's not even fussed.

I remember once I was telling my step daughter off who was about 5 at the time and I was wagging my finger. Now she had a hell of a temper and a tendancy to bite. For some reason that day she literally jumped off the settee and launched at me teeth out. Purely out of instinct I slapped her across the face and knocked her out of midair. Mortified? I bloody was and to this day I deeply regret and am ashamed of what happened.

BUT....there wasn't any malice or premeditation there. It was all over in half a second and I simply reacted.

I'm thinking its the same here. DH walked past....thought "ffs will you give it a rest" and slapped him on top of the head. Wrong, probably. But since when were parents perfect? Have you never made a mistake with the kids or punished them then thought "hmmm, perhaps I was too harsh there?"

Personally I think the bigger problem is you undermined your DH in front of the kids then made a bigger deal of it than needs be.

Fairenuff · 03/09/2011 10:49

DH is sick of it and he slapped him on top of his head. Personally I'm thinking where's the problem????

The problem niceguy is that if the OP was irritated by her DH's behaviour and instead of talking to him about, she chose to hit him in the head, he would not be happy about it. In fact, I'm guessing he would be angry and upset, even if it didn't hurt him. So what gives him the 'right' to do it to his son.

Your scenario is a little different because the child was coming at you with teeth and you acted in self-defence (although at little ott).

There is a correct way to resove conflict and just because someone winds you up it does not make it ok to hit/slap them.

Original poster

respite · 03/09/2011 14:46

niceguy2 thanks for your contribution.You express more or less what my dh thought about the incident.

However You might want to read the whole thread - our 12 year old son was not doing ANYTHING wrong whatsoever. there are other pertinent details you'll see if you read it.

My Son WAS fussed, he just did not want his dad going into rage if I brought it up again

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 04/09/2011 11:01

You express more or less what my dh thought about the incident

Do I take it from this that you have talked about it and he is not sorry?

If that's the case, are you just going to let it go?

I would be questioning further and not letting him squirm out of it. Otherwise, I would have to rethink the whole relationship because the boundaries have changed. You are no longer a couple who don't smack children, you are a couple who might smack children if they irritate you enough. Even if you don't smack, you are condoning it by allowing it to happen.

But that is a decision for you to make.

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