DH slapped our 12 year old son on the head tonight.I am very upset about this. AM I overreacting?

[respite]

we have 3 kids, oldest is 12.
Minor squabbling at dinner table tonight, dh thought (wrongly) that 12 year old son was stirring things and as he walked past him he slapped him on the top of his head. Not hard, but not soft either.

We all looked very shocked and ds's eyes filled with tears, and once I had overcome my momentary speechlessness, said asked him why he did it especially as Ds had done nothing wrong but even if he had he should NEVER slap him on the head.

DH said sorry and left the room , he was obviously angry and came back a minute later and ranted at us all, said he was sick of the squabbling blah blah blah. I repeated "you don't slap someone EVER , for any reason" he said it was hardly a slap...then he went out to the gym and I went to bed early to avoid him.

I am VERY upset by this. I took ds aside later in the evening and asked him if he wanted to talk about what happened earlier. He said he was fine, daddy had not slapped him hard, and he did not want me to bring it up again with daddy

I welcome all comments.

MJ I get from your posts that you are ok about undermining your DH, just not in front of him.

I would speak to them about the fact daddy had done something wrong and smacking is wrong, regardless of an apology from DH

I see now that your first priority is to prevent the man from becoming more aggressive. This, in itself, will help to keep the children safe. I don't think this was clear from your earlier posts and I understand what you mean a little better now.

OP has said that they have never smacked their children so I was looking at the situation as a bit of a 'one off' and if you are not in fear of your husband's temper, then it would be perfectly natural to pull him up on his behaviour there and then.

We are looking at this from different angles, I think, and don't really know enough of the situation to know which is the best response.

I hope we haven't kept you up too late!

OP you are currently the 'most active' thread.

yes sorry to have kept you all up late . I really do appreciate everyone's responses.
And of course there is more to our relationship than just tonight's episode

most active - what a terrible thing to be most active about!

It's only because most sane people are asleep I expect

I off to bed now and OP you have practised all the things you need to say to DH tomorrow.

thanks again , and sleep well

tbh it sounds like you need to speak to your dh about the way he is making you feel, you shouldnt have to walk around on eggshells so as not to upset him and that (imo) is a far worse thing for the dc's to think 'normal' than a one off smack/slap/tap.

Respite, I think you did brilliantly in the circumstances and I hope you and your DH can come to some sort of conclusion later.

Going forward, the issue is whether he's always had a temper and it's just only now escalated to violence, or whether this is a new thing? You say he's hard to reason with and even in a calm moment will flare up. That's really not good at all, it suggests that you've all been treading on eggshells for a while now.

On the other hand, I did note the back injury. Chronic pain will shorten someone's temper, as will some of the drugs prescribed (depending on what the issue is and the medication, of course) so it could be an isolated incident on that basis. On the other other hand, if he's going to the gym, then it's clearly not an incapacitating injury, is it? What's with the separate rooms but he's going to the gym?

yes back injury separate rooms versus gym doesnt make sense?

however what strike me is " DH had been in a bad mood all day and seemed to be spoiling for a fight. I have learned over the years to be very calm in the face of this."
and "there is more to our relationship than just tonight's episode with a sad face - meaning????

while this may have been one off violence - clearly there is a lot more going on here - op has learned over the years to back off in case she gets h angry.

why does she do that?

what happens when he gets inflamed and angry?

and what is the relationship between ds and dad? do they get on? do they bond in father son stuff on a weekend?

On the other other hand, if he's going to the gym, then it's clearly not an incapacitating injury, is it

have you not heard of rehabilitation? Lots of people go to the gym to do gentle exercise after illness and heart attacks, in fact it is prescribed on the NHS in cases

Scrambledeggs is right re back injury. Not incapacitating but he is more comfortable on thin mattress on floor of spare room and I only mentioned it as explanation to why I had not spoken to him since the incident.

Tortoise I do agree being in Pain can make you pretty grumpy . He's not in much / any pain unless he sleeps on A soft mattress hence spare room floor.
Yes he is often grumpy and in a bad mood and yes we do all walk on eggshells and yes I
Have tried to discuss this with him and he just gets angry. Still nit discussed last night as I have been working all day

If my dh hit one of the dc, I'd hit him right then and there. Hard, too.

Respite, this really rings bells for me about my own dad. He had a terrible temper, which was often flared by us kids bickering, I think it probably was at it's worst from when we were 8 or 9 until we were maybe 14 and able to leave the house etc if he started.

He rarely hit us, but used to rant threateningly, I remember one morning being late for school because he was cross with my younger brother about something minor and was threatening him to hit him with a belt.

Another time my older sister (with SN) wet herself because she was so scared of him. It was awful.

When he wasn't consumed with rage, he was/is a lovely man. What made us sick then, and still does, looking back, is how free and easy he was with sincere-seeming apologies once he'd calmed down. Nothing ever changed in his patterns of behaviour though.

I find it hard to remember what my mum did at these times, maybe sometimes she'd shout at him & try to stop him, but she certainly never talked about these things to him once he'd calmed down. There were always mitigating circumstances cited when she talked to us about it. These days he's still the same with her, but she still never tackles him.

I think you totally did the right thing in asking your dh why he did that, and I don't think you should let it just go, as he needs to take responsibility for his actions now so that he can change things in the future.

Me too MJ, and I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do, but I'd be beyond enraged.

I don't agree with the united front thing tho, in our house everyone joins in and has an opinion about every bloody thing. Everyone, child and adult, gets pulled if necessary and has to apologise when needed.

I don't know if it's been said already but he's come back in to rant at you because he's embarrassed at his own actions, he's knew he'd got it wrong, - both which child was to blame and the way in which he punished him.

If it were me and my DH he would know instantly that his 'sorry' and quick exit would not be enough for me, but I also know that there would have to be a discussion between us before the proper apology came. What I mean is if DH had done this he would not know how to apologise as - like with others - it would be so out of character he would be just as lost as I would.

I do understand the urge though, to leap across the room and belt him right back!

I think that sounds very grown-up and civilised MJ.

I don't think you are over reacting, there is no 'united front' in hitting a child. United fronts are for how to deal with 'soft' issues, not anything that constitutes any level of abuse. Ever.

A child needs to know that his parents are united on fair discipline, but the OP was right to make a stand where physical discipline is concerned. Also inappropriate verbal and emotional treatment.

If it need to be discussed in depth away from DC's, then fine, but the child needs to know that his rights are recognised.