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Original poster

DH slapped our 12 year old son on the head tonight.I am very upset about this. AM I overreacting?

115 replies

respite · 31/08/2011 22:55

we have 3 kids, oldest is 12.
Minor squabbling at dinner table tonight, dh thought (wrongly) that 12 year old son was stirring things and as he walked past him he slapped him on the top of his head. Not hard, but not soft either.

We all looked very shocked and ds's eyes filled with tears, and once I had overcome my momentary speechlessness, said asked him why he did it especially as Ds had done nothing wrong but even if he had he should NEVER slap him on the head.

DH said sorry and left the room , he was obviously angry and came back a minute later and ranted at us all, said he was sick of the squabbling blah blah blah. I repeated "you don't slap someone EVER , for any reason" he said it was hardly a slap...then he went out to the gym and I went to bed early to avoid him.

I am VERY upset by this. I took ds aside later in the evening and asked him if he wanted to talk about what happened earlier. He said he was fine, daddy had not slapped him hard, and he did not want me to bring it up again with daddy Shock Sad

I welcome all comments.

OP posts:
MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 01/09/2011 00:37

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Fairenuff · 01/09/2011 00:38

Sorry, he slapped him on top of the head. Not hard, not soft.

I don't see the difference personally. A slap is a slap. If he had done it to an adult it would be called common assault. He could be arrested for it. So, let's not split hairs.

You must have oodles of self control to not respond to a slap, out of the blue. Surely you would cry out, or look stunned, be upset in some way in front of the children. It's only human.

Otherwise what is the message they are getting?

Original poster
respite · 01/09/2011 00:40

so MJ, what you you have done?

Kids squabling
Dh slaps son on head
stunned silence from 3 kids and me at table.
Son's eyes fill with tears ( mine do as well, incidentally)

.....and then you..............
please fill in the blanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
respite · 01/09/2011 00:42

right on the top of his head, smacked him with outstretched hand, gave him a fright and made him cry. Hard to describe how hard. It made a "thwack"noise

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MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 01/09/2011 00:43

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Original poster
respite · 01/09/2011 00:44

ilovetiffany "Op contradicts herself slightly with last 2 posts"
can you explain please?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 01/09/2011 00:44

Have you spoken to him about it yet respite?

Original poster
respite · 01/09/2011 00:49

Fairenuff no, he went to the gym in a strop , accusing me of constantly insulting him. I went to bed at nine with the kids . We currently sleep in separate rooms as he has a back injury.

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MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 01/09/2011 00:50

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Fairenuff · 01/09/2011 00:50

MJ do you think respite should have concerns for her husband's mental health then?

GypsyMoth · 01/09/2011 00:50

You when you confront him tomorrow he will be defensive, You can't reason with him, then say the event you describe is unusual.

He has a history of being a difficult person then? You can predict how he will react to discussion. So he wouldn't accept anger management? I think NOW before his violence escalated is a good time to seek help. Because ahead of you both are teen years. I'm just speaking from experience.

GypsyMoth · 01/09/2011 00:50

And IMO you did right thing by challenging him there and then

MrsRhettButler · 01/09/2011 00:51

Well if it wasn't hard..... I don't get it really, I don't think it's the big deal it's being made out to be tbh
Unless the op says it was a proper slap then nothing much really happened did it?
His attitude to the kids messing around could probably be addressed though, meh

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 01/09/2011 00:53

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Fairenuff · 01/09/2011 00:54

How hard does it have to be MrsRhett before it's not acceptable. Does it have to leave a mark?

Original poster
respite · 01/09/2011 00:54

but MJ can't you see that if I had said nothing AT THAT MOMENT the kids would have thought I thought it was ok?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/09/2011 00:56

The best thing out of it all was that your son saw you fight HIS corner. He was shaken and upset

DH feelings don't matter in this

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 01/09/2011 00:56

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MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 01/09/2011 00:57

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Original poster
respite · 01/09/2011 01:00

and no, he would not have apologised in a more heartfelt way , left to his own devices.

also , without boring you with the exact details of the squabble,
there are two things that upset me about it

  1. he slapped the kid who had done NOTHING wrong whatsoever(in fact he was trying to be the peacemaker)
  2. even if the kid HAD done something wrong , slapping would still not have been ok
OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/09/2011 01:01

No, to me it sounds like he is scared of further conflict arising from his dad being confronted

MrsRhettButler · 01/09/2011 01:02

No, a slap on the head that would leave a mark would be far too hard.

I'm just saying that it doesn't sound like a very hard slap and I was trying to ask how hard it really was, in my family a quick tap/slap round the back of the head is a normal and even playful way of saying 'stop that behaviour'
Nothing teeth jarring of course, I was just trying to establish how hard it really was because I wouldnt call it violent myself but that's just my opinion

Fairenuff · 01/09/2011 01:02

I cannot understand a situation where I am a child, eating my dinner and my dad comes up behind me, hits me on the head, I start to cry and my mum clamly carries on with the meal giving my dad a funny look but not saying anything Confused

Later on or the next day dad comes to me and says he's sorry for hitting me. He and mum both know it was wrong Confused

If it was wrong, WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING???

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 01/09/2011 01:03

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GypsyMoth · 01/09/2011 01:04

So they would never see you fight there corner..... Great mj..... Your poor kids!