DH slapped our 12 year old son on the head tonight.I am very upset about this. AM I overreacting?

[respite]

we have 3 kids, oldest is 12.
Minor squabbling at dinner table tonight, dh thought (wrongly) that 12 year old son was stirring things and as he walked past him he slapped him on the top of his head. Not hard, but not soft either.

We all looked very shocked and ds's eyes filled with tears, and once I had overcome my momentary speechlessness, said asked him why he did it especially as Ds had done nothing wrong but even if he had he should NEVER slap him on the head.

DH said sorry and left the room , he was obviously angry and came back a minute later and ranted at us all, said he was sick of the squabbling blah blah blah. I repeated "you don't slap someone EVER , for any reason" he said it was hardly a slap...then he went out to the gym and I went to bed early to avoid him.

I am VERY upset by this. I took ds aside later in the evening and asked him if he wanted to talk about what happened earlier. He said he was fine, daddy had not slapped him hard, and he did not want me to bring it up again with daddy

I welcome all comments.

Did he cry because it was unjust punishment seeing as he wasn't doing any wrong or was it because his head hurt?

My dd would get upset if she is wrongly accused of something rather than being punished for something she did do

Also, the ds did say himself that it wasn't hard

Ok you all sit down and talk.

I would still be thinking WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING??

He's 12, probably struggling. He is old enough to know all about bullies. And he likely knows how his dad will react, his mum has just described how he is always so unreasonable. Ds will know this snd be trying to make light of a situation not even if his making!!

It would become the Elephant in room. Very uncomfortable. Confusing and upsetting for children. They would be looking at the other (non violent) parent to protect them. To not even acknowledge it would be, quite frankly, weird.

Well mj I find it offensive that you could sit calmly and let your children be bullied/abused and yet say or do NOTHING

"See this makes it sound like he is unhappy at the idea of you and his dad falling out over it."

yes and that worries me greatly. My son seems to be coming round to thinking you should put up with unacceptable behavior for a quiet life.

Mj.... Did you read the bit where the ds had done nothing wrong, it was the OTHER dc who were bickering????

Why didnt someone do what

React!!

Say, "Hey, that's bang out of order!"

Tell the child, "I'm going to have a word with your father, he has no right to do that!"

Or, as the OP did, say "Why did you do that?"

There are lots of ways of dealing with it but I think ignoring it is possibly way down the list.

we will all speak about what has just happened as a family

Yes, that too would be OK. It still gives the message that DH was wrong and you disagree with him, without you actually having to say it. Then you could feel that you hadn't undermined him. But the children would be aware that you were sticking up for them.

when have I said I would ignore it for any length of time??

even ignoring it for 2 or 3 minutes would be confusing for the children. Something like that needs an immediate response of some kind.

"Did he cry because it was unjust punishment seeing as he wasn't doing any wrong or was it because his head hurt?"

I think it was a bit of both.His eyes filled with tears and he looked across the table at me, completely stunned. The two younger kids went quiet

Can I repeat that I was very calm in my response? DH had been in a bad mood all day and seemed to be spoiling for a fight. I have learned over the years to be very calm in the face of this.

by which I mean I was trying my best for it not to be a row. I did not jump out my seat and say "HOW DARE YOU HIT MY CHILD YOU EVIL MONSTER"

MJ I too have VERY strong beliefs about not rowing in front of the children.
Tonight was in a different category .
He HIT my child , who had done NOTHING wrong.

You advocate not inflaming an inflamed situation . Isn't that the "walking on eggshells" thing that always ends up with a link to the Lundy Bancroft book?

also , your husband is different from mine if yours would reflect than apologise.

sorry, reflect THEN apologise