was it easier to cope in relationship before or after ... Good question! I'm not even sure I can answer it, so this may be a ramble.
I didn't consciously realise it was abuse until much later. But the part of my mind I tried to ignore was yelling louder and louder! Our relationship was abnormal from the beginning. He was distant and non-committal, we didn't have dates, but he would be so open and communicative at times that I felt we had something special 
and he was a bit shy or something 
I turned his proposal down at first, saying "I didn't want to marry a stranger". He told me he wanted to change, for us to be happy, blahblah. I wanted to believe it.
Without realising it, I set myself on a mission to educate him. I picked him up on lapses of manners; organised normal social events; helped him with the shocking gaps in his interpersonal skills, especially language (that semantic aphasia, I now realise); portrayed an in-love couple in hopes it would somehow fall into place.
During those times I wouldn't say my relationship was easy, but I felt as if I was going somewhere with it and it would turn out to have been worth the effort. People did comment on how I seemed determined to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear! It felt 'right' to co-dependent me. I persevered.
He was vile to me on our wedding day. When I decided not to ask my parents to take me away from the reception - a decision I recall very clearly - I shut my inner voice up as hard as I could. Typing this, I've only just noticed that was the night I decided I'd drink as much as it took to get me through it ... :(
Drinking, striving, crying, shouting and cajoling, I kept chasing the Good Relationship that was always in view, but never in reach. People kept making comments about what a lovely wife I was - I clung gratefully to their words, never realising they were trying to tell me he was not a lovely husband. When I said I was very happy, that stifled inner voice said "Are you?"
I wasn't happy ... but I was On A Mission.
The first time I met him, I heard my inner voice as clearly as if someone had spoken out loud. It said "That man will destroy you if you let him." The next time I heard so clearly, he'd just left me - again - I was destroyed. My inner voice said "At last! The final rejection!" I paid attention. Despite my howling despair, I didn't ask him to come back. As soon as I'd heard his car leave, I phoned his friends and family to tell them we were over.
I began to consciously identify the abuse afterwards. I have picked over that relationship for longer than it lasted: learning, learning; getting to know myself; altering my perceptions and taking off the blinkers. It's been hard - it still is, though less often.
The worst part was The Mission. I sacrificed myself unnecessarily, for something that was impossible. I lied to myself. I diluted the genuinely good things in my life for the sake of his meagre approval. Not only did I undervalue myself, I degraded myself. During our ridiculous and costly (to me!) separation, more alert to his games, I tried to outmanoeuvre him. I failed. I couldn't even explain to myself what was happening. My inner voice advised detachment, my counsellor advised me how, and I focused on staying out of his grasp. It was unbelievably wearing. I was having to do the same thing at work, too, so ultimately my entire existence was based on dodging emotional traps.
I think my own dysfunction led me to, and kept me in, those damaging relationships. There were things I needed and wanted to learn; I had to suffer greatly for my lessons. There are healthier, better, far less apinful ways to learn. I would certainly advise someone like me to get working on the detachment NOW, forget about Missions and Comprehension. Those can come later.