He doesn't want to marry me - Long

[ButternutSquish]

Name Changed for this one....

Sorry, this will be long but I want to fill you in on some background.

I met my DP online nearly 3 years ago & we moved in about 17 months ago. Prior to moving in, he told me that he'd had a breakdown in the past and he took tablets. He's a bit quirky and he'd been fine so I was ok with that.

When looking for a house he decided he wanted to buy alone and I'd pay a 'rent'. I was a bit miffed but as I already had a house I figured that it was early days and it gave me security if anything went wrong in the beginning. We chose the house together but just before moving in he asked me to sign a cohabitation agreement, which is in effect a pre-nup. I was quite shocked but when we talked it through I felt it didn't really make any difference. We both have good jobs, and I don't need him for his money or anything. Then his parents came down and his Dad give me a little 'chat' and was asking whether I was contributing to the morthage, etc etc.

Anyway, we moved in, everythings been fine although I did find out that he is has schizophrenia which I wish he'd been honest about.

I've been married before & the divorce was finalised whilst we've been dating. I've always been very honest about wanting to get married again at some point, and I felt that moving in together was a stepping stone to this.

Last year after some rather athletic and satisfactory sex (sorry, tmi) whilst in the afterglow I said that I wanted to marry him. Not an actual proposal, just a statement. He flipped a bit and said it was far too soon and what was I thinking of. I was quite upset, & we discussed it. He said, not never, just not yet.

Aside from this my friend makes bridal jewellery & tiaras and so the subject of weddings comes up quite alot and of course we've talked about our dream weddings. She is a friend of both of us, and we chat about her and her business and he's asked me what my dream wedding would be. He also often says things like, 'let's run away to Vegas'.

A couple of months ago during a conversation, he told me that he never wanted to get married. I was really shocked as I thought he should have mentioned it before hand. I asked him if it was about the money (he has more than me) but he said no, and he just didn't want to as things always seemed to go wrong. I thought about leaving but that seemed ridiculous as the whole point is that I want to be him, faults and all. At some point later he told me that he didn't want to get married now, but he would at some point later.

A couple more months have gone by and during a conversation about the house it became apparent that the reason why he didn't want to marry me was the money. He has recently be made a Partner in the firm he works for. I offered to sign a Pre-nup but he still says no. I feel he doesn't trust me and I do pride myself on my ethics. I have my own house, my own business, car, savings and I pay half for everything. I feel as if he's ripped my heart out.

After a massive row he admits he's got caught up in the money side of things and been blinded by it. He admits that I've never done anything to make him feel that I would want to take anything from him. I have handed back the jewellery (a few nice things) back to him as I don't want anyone to think I have taken anything from him. (he didn't take it but I put it in one of his drawers).

We've managed to get back on track although I feel everything is very fragile at the moment, and it wasn't helped by a visit to his parents where his dad quizzed me on my pension arrangements (WTF!!) He's away on business and back on saturday and he told me on the phone he's bought me "something". I love presents the same as anyone, but I feel I can't accept it but it I don't we'll be back to square one.

Feeling really shit, and works really stressful at the moment. And just had the period from hell after being nearly 3 weeks late!

Butternut wanting to get some control back doesn't seem petty at all - it seems vital....

solidgold - I'm no skivvy I can assure you. I do less housework than he does and he gives me a good licking a damn sight more often that I suck his cock!

It doesn't sound petty BS it sounds like you desperately want this relationship to work by DP seeing your point of view and moving to a more couple based arrangement.

At the moment there is no reason why he would do that, he has what he wants which is you living there with no financial commitment or obligations on his side.

If you want to try to engineer a more equitable arrangement whilst living with him I can't see how it will work, particularly as he will resent and fight any changes, plus let his parents know and they will also interfere and make you feel unsettled.

If you manage to persuade him to get married, then again that's going to be hard because he will insist on a prenup which you are adamant that you don't want.

Normally I would say oh well at least he has been honest about not wanting to get married, but he hasn't. He has led you on with the remarks about Vegas and then when it got to crunch time pulled back.

I think you only have 2 real options. Option 1 is to stay there but accept the relationship as it is, give up on your hopes of being married or carrying out a joint investment with him its not going to happen, or if it does it will be in 15 years times when he feels you have "earned" that right. Option 2 is to put forward an ultimatum about what you want and if it doesn't happen in a certain time period then move out, or 2b just move out anyway. He may realise what he is losing and change, or more likely he may not, but at least then you will be free to meet a man who has the possibility of offering you the commitment that you need.

Rookie - never said I wouldn't sign a pre-nup. In fact, I've offered

Sorry Op I must have misread

Butternut I know you want to keep living with him, and that you love him, but whether you like it or not the current relationship is very unequal - fundamentally unequal - because you're on his turf.

I moved into DP's house for a year. It was quite a different situation (too complicated to go into here) but for various reasons things got a bit ropey and 'whose' house it was did come up in arguments. I always felt as though he had the advantage.

I ended up moving out to my own place. We see one another several nights a week, either chez moi or chez DP. Things instantly got more balanced, equal and contented.

We're now making plans to move back in together but I've made it clear that when that happens then it needs to be in a house that we choose, furnish and pay for jointly as otherwise it's always going to be unbalanced, and DP understands my reasons.

So while I understand that you're trying to regain some control, I think you're fighting a losing battle unless you're willing and confident enough in the relationship to take a step back and move out for a bit. What's stopping you? Are you afraid that he'll end the relationship if you do?

How much of your dignity are you willing to sacrifice to keep this man?

I agree with every word, OTheHugeRaveningWolef

An AST is not valid where the landlord is resident. This is because the landlord being resident is seen as more vulnerable than non-resident landlords and therefore the "tenants"/licencees are not given the same rights. Generally a resident landlord can evict you more easily (without a possession order) and the notice to quit period can be very short depending upon your rental periods.

You need to get some proper advice.

I guess there's part of me that is scared that he'll let me go on the basis that I'm blackmailing him into marrying me. I want him to marry me because he wants to, not because I've thrown my toys out of the pram & stamped my feet & cried.

He has told me on a previous occassion, with nothing to do with me or this, to do with an old g/f that when she moved out and want to continue, he viewed it as a backwards step and the relationship was over.

ok Sarah, but I still have rights as a lodger

Just checked, still have to give me 4 weeks notice

AND, it's not really about that is it.....it's about him understanding trust issues. If I split up with him there's no way I'd stay in the house under in that situation.

No it's not about that - but it is about the extent to which you are willing to be put into a vulnerable position by virtue of his trust issues and the extent to which he is willing to do this. I'm so glad that when I met my DH I did not have access to MN but no doubt what I did (letting a peniless, illegal immigrant just move into my house and marrying him within 6 months) was the flip side of what your DP is doing. While I don't regret what I did there is probably a happy medium for sensible folk that doesn't keep long term partners on rent books.

So if it's his house, and you're living in it and paying "rent", then how do decisions about the house work - do you decide jointly on furniture and redecorating - or because it's "his house" does he have the final say?

I think in this situation I would feel that I was not living "at home" with an equal say, and that would be a big deal for me. It sounds like you have lodger status rather than owner/occupier, which in turn means that you don't have an equal relationship, and he has the power. I don't think marriage is the real issue here - more the way that your relationship is currently structured...

@ MiraNova - You are absolutely right, he has the final say. There's no housework rota or anything like that. I usually cook because I like cooking, he clears away and washes up. We both dust and hoover as we feel it requires, but not set down duties. I do the gardening because I enjoy that and he specifically bought a house with a garden so I could enjoy it, he's not bothered about the garden. etc etc. When we moved in my house was let partically furnished so most of the big things remained there but I have things in the house. We've jointly bought furniture which we've chosen together. He's recently paid for the rooms to be redecorated, we chose the colour together but I have no doubt if he didn't like what I had chosen we'd chose something else....just like normal couples.

He's always said that he wants me to think of it as my home, and I do. I invite people over, make a mess, again just like normal people do. I thought it would be weird, but it's only weird if you make it weird.

Honestly, this man is determined to have everything on his terms, and if you resist or argue he plays the 'But I'm mentally ill so you have to give in and obey me' card. TBH I would be doing a little digging as to how officially recognised his 'illness' is - he wouldn't be the first man to claim a history of MH issues as a justification for having to be indulged and allowed to have his own way every step of the way.

SGB - Yes, he definately is "ill". I know exactly what he takes and when, I even picked up his perscription the other day so it's not put on. Not sure which bit you're describing as being on his terms (other than most of it I guess)

I've gone right off him and any sympathy I had with him has now disappeared since you have said that he will break things off with you if you move out! What a creepy, control- freakery thing to say.
I'd have a bit of sympathy if he said: 'I know marriage is important to you and if that means you move out as it means so much that is fine, but I'd still like to be with you and date as I love you so much', well fair play to him and all, but what is he effectively saying here? He is saying: 'In order to stay with me you do it MY way and I don't care if that makes you miserable'.

Dump him. That is the correct thing to do now. Easier said than done, I know, but that is my view.

OK, so he refuses to marry you or jointly own a property with you, But he has hinted that if you moved out that'd be 'a backwards step' and so he'd want to end the relationship?

Can you see how unbalanced this is?

A decent person would realise that they could not meet your needs (I am not blaming him for not meeting your needs, just not realising his deficit), say that they understood if you left but -if they loved you- hope to still have a relationship of sorts.
Sorry, but he really does want everything on his terms and to your needs.

It does sound weird. He won't share ownership of his home with you (fair enough if he doesn't want to), but nor will he 'let' you live anywhere else, as long as you want to be with him. It's not unreasonable for you to want to be able to live somewhere that is yours in some sense, rather than being a lodger for the rest of your life.

If he can say 'if you move out I'll dump you', then I think you'd be perfectly justified in saying 'we get married or I dump you'. I know obviously you don't want to push or force him into marriage, but it's not different surely from him pushing you into this rather odd 'lodger' situation with the threat of breaking up if you don't comply with the exact arrangements he wants. It is a question of the power balance in the relationship.

he cares nothing.

A person not being prepared to get married/long-term cohabit with all the attendant financial stuff does not really tell you anything about their personality- your dp may be a good person or a bad person; it is just not possible to know BUT
It is how he has reacted to your complaint that is indicative of a mean personality- a nice person would allow you to move out, respect your needs aren't being met by them and live in hope that things could continue in some shape or form (if they are in love). Not him-it's put up and be miserable or get out.

to be continued......he's back from the States tomorrow.

You need to ask him what the next logical step in your relationship is, from his viewpoint. He clearly has them if he views moving out as a step back. It's not "move-in together" because he has taken steps above and beyond what is reasonable to protect his assets in that scenario. It's not joint ownership and it's not marriage...so what in his mins is the next step in your relationship? Do you both sell properties in 5 years time and buy a house together? Do you put him on your deed and he puts you on his? What IS he willing to commit to exactly in 10 years? 30?

I suspect that THIS is IT. This his ideal situation. Of course he's going to make you feel like you're rocking the boat fir Bo good reason. He's where he wants to be.

Problem is, it's not the same place you want to be.

It's up to you to do something about it because you are the unhappy one. He's fine.