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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me.

28 replies

smurfling · 24/08/2011 22:04

It's over, I know it is over.

I have no idea what happens next.

I'm a SAHM, we have 1 son aged 5.
I earn nothing, the house is worth what we bought it for.
I'm so sad but I know it is right that it is over.
Please help me, I'm in bits.

OP posts:
Original poster
smurfling · 24/08/2011 22:09

I'm so sorry, I sound like a robot above. I'm not, I'm just bawling my eyes out.

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 24/08/2011 22:14

I don't know exactly but just bumping for you and hopefully someone will be along soon with a clearer idea of whats what. In the meantime have a tissue and hug x

ImperialBlether · 24/08/2011 22:15

I'm so sorry, smurfling.

Luckily we are living in a country where, when you need it, you can claim benefits which will help you.

Do you have enough money for a month's deposit and a month's rent? If you do, you will be able to claim money for rent.

Go, NOW, onto www.entitledto.com. Be absolutely truthful. See just what you are entitled to. Don't worry about the moral aspect of this - in the future you will work and repay what you have claimed.

Are you qualified to do a job? If not, it's nearly September and you can enrol for a college course if you like, whilst your child is at school.

Please try to think positively! You have made the break in your head; that's the hardest step.

Original poster
smurfling · 24/08/2011 22:16

Thank you lubey, I'm a bit of a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
smurfling · 24/08/2011 22:20

Thanks Imperial,
I don't have any money at all, just about £3k debt. I've been studying part-time whilst DS is at school. Only PT but it never even occured to me I could get that paid for (I've been worrying about how on earth I find the money to enrol this sept). My son is autistic so I should be able to claim DLA I'm just can't seem to finish the form (if you see it you will know why)
Thank you

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 24/08/2011 22:24

Could you get to Citizens Advice and ask for their help in completing that form? I have heard it's a nightmare and I'm so sorry you're having to do that.

Where are you studying? (ie sixth form, community college.) What is the course?

Is your husband working? Does he have a credit card or facility for an overdraft?

deepfriedcupcake · 24/08/2011 22:27

Can you chat with someone at your local council, just so you know what your options are in case you need to ask for a council house etc. They might be quite helpful with other benefits you might be entitled to (inc directing you to other agencies). There are lots of people out there (and on here) who can help.

Big hug.

lubeybooby · 24/08/2011 22:28

I know those forms are hideous - just grit your teeth and get it filled in based on the worst possible day. No experience of claiming myself but have seen many friends mention it.

If you could get to speak to CAB that would be good. If you are married you have certain rights though I'm not sure exactly what so you need someone who knows. Of course you are entitled to maintenance too.

What is your dh/dp like? The kind to want to see you and your child be ok, or the kind to make it difficult?

deepfriedcupcake · 24/08/2011 22:28

Why am I thinking of ringing the council - have you got a friend you can call and drag out of bed for a proper big hug?

Original poster
smurfling · 24/08/2011 22:31

I'm doing an RHS horticulture course.
I need to finish the DLA form. I'm so close, just have a mental block on it (it is so hard filling in forms on how rubbish your DS is in life). I've asked my H to help me. He will hopefully.

He has a job, he is fine for money (apparently) it is just me who stuggles day to day. We live such separate lives. That is why I know it is the right thing to do. I've filled in the entitlement thing. It tells me I'm entitled to £202 weekly. Do I make an appointment to go through this with someone? I'm so crap I have no idea.

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fortyplus · 24/08/2011 22:33

Do get straight down to the council to find out where you stand re: housing benefit etc. Housing benefit claims can't be backdated and it will make you feel better to have had some impartial advice. I'm not sure how you would stand as you own your own home. I think CAB sounds like a good idea too.

lubeybooby · 24/08/2011 22:34

You could make an appointment with a lone parent advisor at your local jobcentre, just give a call and arrange it and they should tell you what to claim. Once you know I think you make the claim by phone and it's dated from the day you make the call or something

Original poster
smurfling · 24/08/2011 22:36

Thanks DFCupcake, a hug is good.

Seeing a friend for a few days tomorrow so a real one is imminent.
Who knew that my life would end up here. Really crap.

LB, DH will be fine I'm sure. He is a bit alphamale about the whole thing but will be OK. He mentioned wanting custody of DS but I know he doesn't really (well I don't think he does).

OP posts:
Original poster
smurfling · 24/08/2011 22:39

Didn't even know Lone parent advisors existed. I'm away from tomorrow for a few days but I will call them on monday.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 24/08/2011 22:40

Hey there, things seem bad now, but hour by hour, day by day they will get better, it's a slow road with many winding turns, but you will find your way.

If you are alone you can claim Income Support. Get yourself into rented accomodation whereby the rent will be paid.

When you complete the DLA form remember to fill it in worse case scenario, always write down how things are on the worse day ever.

GRW · 24/08/2011 22:42

It's definately worth getting DLA for your son, as it may mean you are entitled to more child tax credit, and carers allowance if you're not working.

deepfriedcupcake · 24/08/2011 22:47

Like FabbyChic says, things do go a bit (or very) crap sometimes but they always come back up again afterwards.

Things will seem all alot more straighforward once you start talking to people about what's what and you'll feel better once you have a plan (inc getting forms done).

malinkey · 24/08/2011 22:47

If you're a SAHM, your DH works full time and you do the majority of caring for your DS then there's not a chance in hell he would get custody if he did actually apply. He's probably just trying to frighten you.

If he's got money but you're in debt because he doesn't share 'his' money with you when you're looking after your child you'll probably be a lot better off when you do leave him.

Have another hug and good luck. And by the way, no you're not crap.

Original poster
smurfling · 29/08/2011 22:26

Thanks for replying.
I've been away, come back and had a chat with H tonight, things still the same. We are over. He doesn't think we have anything talk over about staying together. He wants to go for custody as even if he doesn't get it he will have proved he loves his son (told him that is utter nonsense & courts won't allow him to waste their time for that reason).

My plan, well I don't have a plan really, but my idea for tomorrow is to try to see the council about housing, see the CAB and see the benefits people. I've no idea where I go or who I speak to but I think I just need to speak to somebody about what I do. Any other ideas or thoughts gratefully received.

My son is at an arranged care place tomorrow so he isn't going to be around for a few hours which will help.

I so didn't want to end up here, I'm so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
smurfling · 29/08/2011 22:42

.

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ImperialBlether · 29/08/2011 22:45

Hi smurfling - hope you're able to sleep tonight. You have a busy day ahead of you tomorrow. If you need any help or support, just post on here.

Hugs x

fromheretomaternity · 29/08/2011 22:49

Sorry I can't offer any practical advice but just wanted to send a big hug...

It's great you have those appts set up for tomorrow, I'm sure that will help move you forward. Hope they go well.

ballstoit · 29/08/2011 23:01

Smurfling...my advice is to stay put, dont move out of the house until your legal and financial position is clearer. Phone your local job centre and make an appointment asap, then ring a solicitor and explain situation to them. You won't get any legal aid until your benefits are sorted.

The going for custody thing worries me a bit...the court will let him apply etc. I think better to be prepared with paperwork sorted and a solicitor onside.

You will survive this, and come out stronger and proud of yourself for coping. It's not easy, but there's lots of help if you ask for it, I've always found my local Job Centre and council office helpful and sympathetic. It's taken 2 years for things to begin to become easier and happier for me, but I've found out who my real friends are, and am so bloody proud of my kids who are fab despite it all Smile.

Will come back to check how you're doing tomorrow if you get a chance to update x

ballstoit · 29/08/2011 23:03

The phone number for Job Centre Plus is 0800 055 6688...might as well start with a freephone one.

Original poster
smurfling · 29/08/2011 23:17

Thank you. I don't have any appointments actually set up as yet, just a plan to speak to them. The phone number is a great help, thank you. I don't even know what I'm going to say to them.

I'm terrified, but it seems this is the only way forward. I'm sure I will come out smiling at some point.

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