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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not happy with dp ejaculating on me last night

147 replies

thewrongstuff · 17/08/2011 10:56

I've namechanged for this, obviously.

So, we were foreplaying last night, all going fine. Then dp accidently pulled my hair. It was really sore and totally killed the mood for me so we stopped for a minute. Then I started masturbating both of us, lying on our backs. We do that quite regularly and I was happy to finish the job. But then dp sat up and kneeled perpendicular to me and removed my hand from his penis. I could sense things were heading a way I wasnt comfortable with but I was close to orgasm, so was distracted. He shoved one hand inside me and masturbated himself with the other. I came very quickly but then he just came all over my chest. I found it really demeaning and felt used. He handed me a tissue but it was all over the place. He knows that I haven't liked this in the past and now I feel quite resentful that he pushed my boundaries/broke my trust. I said he was a pervert and turned the duvet to give him the yukey bit.

I'm now thinking I probably wont do the mutual masturbation thing again because I cant trust him not to take it too far. I dont give him blow jobs anymore because I cant trust him to be clean and not thrust into my mouth.

The thing is, though, I'm not some prude! I've had dozens of one night stands, threesomes, anal, bondage, outdoor fun, allsorts. Dp is the 'vanilla' one in our relationship. He refuses to try several things I'd like, which I accept as being a compromise for being in the relationship (6yrs). I suppose I feel that it is unfair that sex seems so much on his terms and under his control.

He is like a brick wall to talk to so I have no idea how to address these issues, MNers help me!

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 17/08/2011 12:49

Wow OP, for someone who's had dozens of one night stands, threesomes, anal, bondage, outdoor fun, allsorts, it's kinda surprising that you'd be running for the hills from this relatively innocuous sex act.
But ok, I'm happy to give you the benefit of the doubt and join the 'if you're not happy with it, he shouldn't have done it' brigade.

The pongy peen on the other hand, that's a totally different issue. In your shoes, he wouldn't be in the same room as me, let alone the same bed if That didn't get sorted quick smart... eewww...

PeopleCallMeTricky · 17/08/2011 12:53

Agree with Bertie, he doesn't sound very nice to me. Can't believe some posters are saying you are making a big deal op.
Sadly I can't help wondering if some posters' unsympathetic attitude is because the op has mentioned that she previously had a varied sex life and some people think that means that she isn't entitled to any respect from her partner.

HairyGrotter · 17/08/2011 12:59

I have a varied and healthy sex life, I am not one to lay judgement on someones choices regarding the bedroom, but we are being drip fed information therefore going from the OP I think it's an overreaction and a little unfair to label him a 'pervert'.

thesunshinesbrightly · 17/08/2011 13:02

I know that on my behalf it's because i don't see anything wrong with it at all.I don't see how the op feels used when like you say she has had a varied sex life so i really don't get how this is a big issue for her.

On the other hand it is perfectly justified if she has told him she doesnt like it, maybe the bloke is confused because of what she has done before.

Helltotheno · 17/08/2011 13:05

Sadly I can't help wondering if some posters' unsympathetic attitude is because the op has mentioned that she previously had a varied sex life and some people think that means that she isn't entitled to any respect from her partner.

Speaking as someone who's had a varied sex life, the above is absolutely not what I think. I just find the posting odd on a few different levels....

BooyHoo · 17/08/2011 13:07

thesunshine,i have had varied sex life, but surely it stands to reason that whilst discoveringall those variations, i found a few things i wasn't so keen on and dont wish to repeat? OP has found something she doesn't like, why does her preference get so little respect just because it isn't the same as some others' preferences?

Whatmeworry · 17/08/2011 13:13

Me thinking the Lady doth protest too much......

CaptainBarnacles · 17/08/2011 13:15

Completely agree with BertieBotts and PeopleCallMeTricky. OP, quite regardless of the other issues, you are not being unreasonable at all. If you don't like somebody coming on you, and your partner knows that, then he shouldn't do it. End of story. I can't believe this is even up for discussion...

thesunshinesbrightly · 17/08/2011 13:23

Jezzzzz it's only cum! why don't we just hang him now.

Ormirian · 17/08/2011 13:24

I don't understand this. I don't mean the op I mean the response.

If DH did something to me that I didn't like I would be angry - I would expect that everyone here would understand that. Why is that not the case here. It doesn't matter if it's ejaculating on her chest, pulling her hair or attempting anal intercourse against her will. If you can't trust a partner to respect your wishes in the bedroom where you are entirely vulnerable, I think there is a problem.

Hardgoing · 17/08/2011 13:25

If you have clearly stated in the past 'I don't like that, would you mind not doing it again' then it is inconsiderate, indeed horrid, to carry on. However, I get the impression that is not the case and that this is a power struggle over what happens in (and out of) bed. It all sounds very odd to me.

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2011 13:28

I don't like him and I certainly wouldn't be planning another baby with him.

He's lazy - how much more lazy can you get having mm when you're the one doing both jobs?

He smells awful and expects you to have sex with him.

He masturbated on your breasts, knowing you disliked that, but isn't interested in doing anything you do like.

He pulled your hair (I can't see how that was accidental, given the rest) and when you stopped because your head was sore, he sulked.

He's a brick wall to talk to.

No, I wouldn't be having more children with him.

SirSugar · 17/08/2011 13:28

I can't get past his minging dick. its beyond disgusting

Ormirian · 17/08/2011 13:30

Agreed sirsugar - that would be a show-stopper in our house.

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2011 13:42

It's really awful. OP, how could you sleep with him at all, given he's so vile?

AnyFucker · 17/08/2011 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

ThePosieParker · 17/08/2011 14:42

A man that doesn't wash his penis and is in a sexual relationship should soon wash or accept being single.

Original poster

thewrongstuff · 17/08/2011 15:15

Oh, that's a lot of responses.

Really what im looking for is a way for me and dp to learn to talk to each other about sex, inside and outside the bedroom. I find most sexual words too embarassing to say out loud, hes even worse so its like pul/ing teeth.

To answer some points: he has a vv tight foreskin that is painful to pull back so thats where the uncleanliness comes from.

It wasnt really the mess that got to me. I didnt like that i was lying down, naked and exposed whilst he was towering over me, dominating me. He could see all of me but i could only see his head and chest. It was very disempowering.

Most of the sexual adventues ive had in the past were instigated by me. I was in control.

Writing all this down is making me realise that the crux of this is that we both want control and neither is happy when the other has it.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 17/08/2011 15:26

You said there were other control issues in the relationship. Without knowing what these are, I could be mistaken, but I'd be willing to bet that the control issues starting to arise over sex are a symptom of something bigger - either the other issues and this all tie together to make a bigger picture, or there is something under the surface that you are perhaps unaware of. Either way, you won't be able to resolve this without addressing the bigger picture or the underlying issues. If you have serious control issues in your relationship, then perhaps it would be better if you separated.

LucreziaDomina · 17/08/2011 15:29

Lots of contradictions here.

You find dirty words embarressing but are super sexually experienced ( you say) and are moaning that he wont use sex talk.

I think that you are totally over thinking and being silly about him " towering" over you. Unless you never have sex in the missionary or with you on top, that's how sex is.

deariedearieme · 17/08/2011 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Nagoo · 17/08/2011 15:39

I don't get it.

I think you'd have enjoyed your wank better if he wasn't there TBH.

LynetteScavo · 17/08/2011 15:45

But if his foreskin is so tight he can't wash properly, and has a stinky willy, then surely he should see his GP?

I suppose it tells us he's not masturbating in the shower.

VelvetSnow · 17/08/2011 15:50

agree with deariedearieme

SaulGood · 17/08/2011 16:03

It's Wednesday afternoon for crying out loud. Can we have stinky penises scheduled for between 10pm and 10.30pm on a Friday night? I do not expect my midweek ramble across MN to end in an assault with an unexpected whiffy willy.

Desist for the love of Mary.

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