What the hell do I do now

[crazykat]

I'm 23 with no job, no qualifications that would be useful in job hunting, three DC's and my marriage is on the rocks if not over.

That's it really I just don't know what I'm going to do and I've got noone in RL to talk to coz we've got the same group of friends and I'm an only child.

I don't want it to be over.

Don't worry, crazykat! College starts in a couple of weeks and there are tons of courses that you might like to do.

How old are your children? Are they in school?

Have you been to this website to work out how you can manage?

What would you like to do in the future, as a career?

Housing? Where you living now and how will that change?

First of all, 23 is young. You have many many choices and there are more opportunities than ever now for people to retrain, get qualified, etc.

Is there a possibility that your relationship can be repaired?

23 is a brilliant age. You're just at the right time in your life where you can make a good decision about what to do, workwise.

I either want to go into psychology of teaching early years, I was planning to save up to do a degree with the OU, can't afford college and I can't get help as I've already got A-levels.

DC's are 3.6, 2.6 and 8months, housing won't change. I just don't want my marriage to be over. He won't talk to me and he;s taken his ring off which he's never done before when we've argued.

I don't want to lose him but it feels like I already have.

I think it would be a lot to take on a teaching degree with such young children, to be honest. The teaching practice side of the course would be very demanding.

Do you have the A level grades to get onto the sort of course you want to take?

Do you have a nearby university or would you want to move? Most have student accommodation for families where you can stay throughout the year. You'd have the company of other parents, then.

When you say you couldn't afford college, you realise you don't have to pay anything upfront, don't you? The most you would need would be £200 or so deposit on the accommodation. The loan etc wouldn't need to be paid back until you were earning above the national average income, and then only on a sliding scale.

Why does he want the relationship to be over?

Is this a falling out that has been building up, or just a huge almighty row out of the blue?

Life must be hard with 3 children so young, and I expect you are run off your feet most of the time with very little time for each other.

It was just a stupid little thing that got blown out of proportion. And as usual it turned into an argument over how I treat DSD. He thinks that since I had our DC's that I hate DSD which is complete rubbish. I try to treat DSD as I do my own which is difficult as she practically ignores me.

That's part of the problem squeaky, I try to make time for us to be on our own but he doesn't seem bothered. He works long hours monday to friday so I suggested that one weekend a month DSD stays on friday instead of saturday so we could either go out for a couple of hours or have a night in with a dvd (DC's are in bed asleep by 7.30). He refused saying why did we have to plan it, why not just see what happens. I know what'll happen, DSD will stay every saturday and be up til 9pm by which time we're both shattered and he won't go out if DSD's here as he won't get to see her.

I'll admit that I don't feel the same about DSD as I do my biological kids. I love her just as much it's just different IYSWIM, I had a bond with my kids before they were born whereas I had to work at forming a bond with DSD.

He says I don't do anything with her like I used to. But then I don't have as much time on my hands as I used to with three young kids to look after, plus half the time DSD barely acknowledges my existance.

Practically I know what I need to do if we can't save our marriage, I just feel so lost and sad. We've had rows before, a pretty big one when I was pg and really hormonal, but he's never taken his ring off. I hate feeling out of control. I can't make him talk to me and he's so bloody stubborn.

Ah... so he has a child from a previous relationship. How old is she?

I can understand him wanting to spend time with his daughter if he only sees her one night a week, and you have to allow him that too.

It must also be very difficult for his daughter that she only sees her Dad once a week, whereas her half siblings get him ALL the time.

Is he quite a bit older than you too?

Not having a go at you at all here, just trying to get a better view of what might be going on.

She's 9, I know they need to spend time together which is why I suggested swapping so she stays friday night instead of saturday night once a month. She'd still be here the same amount of time but we'd also get some time alone when he's not shattered from working all day and he doesn't have to be up at 6 the next morning. I've never stopped him from seeing DSD and simce we had DC's he sees her more as he used to work away for three or four weeks at a time.

Our DC's do get a bit more time with him but it's an hour a day if that as he's usually home at 6 and by the time he's got a bath it's time for their bath and bed.

He's 8 years older and we've been together five and a helf years. I try and treat DSD like my own, but as soon as it comes to dicipline I'm the evil stepmother. Doesn't help that her mother won't let her refer to me as her stepmum (I'm not bothered either way but DSD has said she wants to call me her stepmum). He refuses to see that DSD isn't perfect and needs telling off sometimes just like our kids do.

It feels like I can't do anything right when it comes to DSD. According to him she doesn't get enough from us. She's got loads of clothes here, I've just bought her some school shirts, trousers and a new coat. She gets the same spent for christmas and birthdays as our kids but according to him she should get more because she's the oldest, I keep telling him you can't do that when there's more than one child.

He doesn't like saying no to her and never has because she'll refuse to come or want to go home. When we were first together he said he was fed up of walking on eggshells with a four year old which has been forgotten and now it's my fault if she doesn't want to come. It can't be that she wants to play with her friends, it's my fault because I hate her.

Sorry that turned to a bit of a ranting essay. I wish he'd talk to me and not just keep repeating the same old crap.

If he doesn't want to be married anymore why can't he just say it instead of throwing that at me which is just an excuse.

Sorry for late reply.

I think it sounds like you both have a very busy life, and are knackered. Its not surprising you are at each others throats and tensions are high.

I would bet he feels exactly like you do really. I doubt he wants the marriage to end either.

It is bound to be difficult when you have a stepdaughter as well as your own children, and especially when his ex doesnt sound particularly friendly either. Dont fret on the stepmother name.. so long as your stepdaughter loves you, and it sounds like she does, then thats the main thing.

What about grandparents? can they help out at all to give you both some child free time to spend with each other?

my parents have the two older DC's sometimes during the day but DD2 is going through a clingy/teething stage and only wants mummy or daddy. He just doesn't seem interested in spending time with me, or not enough to make an effort. I feel like it's only me trying to keep our relationship as husband and wife strong instead of just being mummy and daddy.

Don't get me wrong I love being a mum and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I'd like to feel like a wife once in a while and be able to talk without the kids squabbling in the background.

You cannot save the relationship on your own, this thing with his daughter is just one thing that he can pick on because he doesn't see properly how the dynamics of a family work.

It is invetitable that the youngsters need more time spent with them as they need caring for more, as opposed to a 9 year old who can look after herself.

With regards Chrstimas I have to say that I staggered my childrens christmas present money my eldest is five years older than his brother so he got 50 more a year spent on him as as they get older presents for older chidlren are more expensive.

A baby needs 50, a 4 year old say 75 and so on, you don't necessarily spend all the same it doesn't work like that as things for older children cost more, for me it was about them all having the same amount of presents to open so they both got 10 presents from me or more.

That's the worst thing, I know I can't make our marriage work on my own and it kills me that he doesn't seem to want to try. I love him so much, even when he's being a prize pig. I thought he felt the same but going by his actions maybe I'm wrong.

For christmas I know things for older kids cost more but I feel that if the oldest get more spent now, then when they're all older and wanting expensive things we'll not be able to spend that amount. Plus DSD gets presents from home and has a habit of showing off about how much she gets. The younger ones dan't get all toys either, they get clothes as well since it always seems to be around christmas when they have growth spurts. In that way she does get more spent on toy-type presents. Even when they all get the same number of presents it still doesn't look even as the more expensive the present. the smaller it tends to be.

I want to be able to sit down and talk and find out if he loves me and really wants to make our marriage work or if he's not interested. The way things are at the moment it's going to take a lot of work but I'm willing to try if he is.

Sounds like he needs to grow up, I really don't have any suggestions on how to make him see that though.

DSD is going to turn into one entitled spoilt little brat if he carries on like this though :(

Does he have a friend who could talk to him - one you trust to give him sensible advice?

You poor soul! Four children, three of them under 4 is exhausting enough, without being challenged on your decisions/feelings.

If your dh insists on keeping his ring off, then could you be calm and ask him to attend Relate with you. You can tell him that if the marriage is over they will help you both to move forward in a civilised way, dealing with some of the issues now, rather than later. If it isn't over then they will help you to have time for each other and to hear what each other is saying. (I know this wasn't what you wanted, when you asked for time together, but it really does sound as if he is a million miles from understanding you and the way you are coping. You sound amazing to me!)

Hopefully, with some time and serious talking and some support from people like Relate, who will not judge you, and who have been there/seen it all before, you can get through this amazingly difficult time together, and move forward. Hang on in there. The relentless demands of little people can make the most rational person unreasonable, and can put the best relationships under strain.

Best of luck

DSD is already a spoiled brat, she got an ipod touch for christmas off her mum (she was only 8) and by her birthday in june it was broken. She doesn't know the value of anything as she's always been given what she wants to stop her throwing a strop and since we've had DC's she can't get it from us as there's other kids to consider.

DSD showed how ungrateful she can be last christmas when we got her a DSi (which was my idea evil as I am) plus a few smaller presents meaning she got nearly double what our two eldest got spent. We gave DSD the smaller pressies first and the look on her face was pure disgust as they weren't big and expensive. If that had been DD1 at 8yo she wouldn't have got the DSi for having that attitude, but then DD1 (3yo) is extatic over being given a tutu and fairy wings from the pound shop.

DSD has got a lot better though since I started giving her boundries when she's here as I don't want my DC's thinking that sort of behaviour is acceptable. To be quite honest I would be ashamed if they acted that way, of course (D)H thinks I'm too strict yet when I'm setting boundries for them he doesn't have a go loke he does if I set them for DSD.

Funny enough he doesn't complain when he's getting complemented on how well behaved DD1 and DS are when we go anywhere and they rarely need reminding to say please and thankyou. He doesn't seem able to connect me setting rules and boundries for our kids when it's appropriate for their age and how they behave when we're out with them.

That's not to say their angels. They revert to the mischevious toddlers they are as soon as we get home, but I'm fine with that so long as they behave when we're out and don't trash other peoples houses like DSD was want to do at 4/5 yo.

Step parenting is hard. At 23 with 3 under 4 as well - I take my hat off to you and so should your 'D'H. He needs to realise the position you are in, that you are both in ... and how he is going to make his DD into someone no one likes :(

I do feel sorry for her, because like most kids I'm sure she'd trade all her 'things' in for having her parents together, but that's not how things are and it does not mean that she has to be compensated with 'stuff' left, right and centre.

It seems like she gets a fair bit of time with her Dad and as you say, probably more than his other kids get with him - even though it's not spread out as evenly.

Your DSD could be dealt with, there's a lot of ways to 'make her come around' but until you have your H on board with it, there's nothing you can do.

Relate could be worth a shot.

DSD was only young when they split, when 'D'H and I got together she was 3.5 and her mum was living with her new partner and having a new baby. A big part of the problem with DSD is that 'D'H felt guilty as he used to be away for a few weeks at a time working and he told me he felt guilty so over compensated with letting her get away with being a brat. I know what it's like for a dad to be away working for weeks and months on end as I was raised in the army. When he finally listened to me that she was just happy to see him when he was home (as I was with my dad) and he started setting a few boundries her behaviour improved, unfortunately at home she still rules the roost and her mum is forever moaning that DSD won't behave, not exactly a surprise given she's got very few boundries there.

I'm going to try and get him to talk to me tomorrow and see if we can work it out, if only for the sake of out DC's.