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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the hell do I do now

40 replies

crazykat · 13/08/2011 20:35

I'm 23 with no job, no qualifications that would be useful in job hunting, three DC's and my marriage is on the rocks if not over.

That's it really I just don't know what I'm going to do and I've got noone in RL to talk to coz we've got the same group of friends and I'm an only child.

I don't want it to be over.

OP posts:
Janni · 13/08/2011 23:59

I think if you can find a quiet time to talk to him calmly you might be able to work this out. I agree with what others have said - you both have an awful lot of responsibilities and life would be less stressful if you could shoulder them together. You've said you still love him and his taking off his ring sounds to me like a gesture to get your attention - it's worked, too. You probably don't feel very young but you are. You have lots of time and possibility ahead of you. The thing to focus on now is to get him to sit down with you and talk. Good luck.

ChippingIn · 14/08/2011 00:02

Poor kid really - they have 'their' kids, you have 'your' kids and she's neither in one camp or the other, it must be hard for her. It's also not her fault her mother in so useless - anyway, as I said, I'm sure that you could have a good relationship with her if you were both coming from the same place - but DH needs to grow up or wise up - and listen to you. I don't want this to sound patronising, but for being only 23 you certainly have a wise head on your shoulders x

I hope it goes well tomorrow for you. I'm out all day, but I'll check in when I get home and I'll be thinking of you. Don't push it though, he may need a few days to calm down and stop being such a prat...

Try to get some sleep tonight or you will be too much of an emotional wreck tomorrow to deal with this properly and calmly. Just remember, it doesn't all have to be fixed tomorrow and even if he says it's all over - it may just be heat of the moment stuff and once he's had time to think about it he may see sense.

matthew2002smum · 14/08/2011 00:21

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
crazykat · 14/08/2011 09:38

I tried to talk to him but he'd only text - from upstairs and now he's walked out. It hurts so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
crazykat · 14/08/2011 10:13

What do I tell the kids when they get back? They're going to be heartbroken as I am. I just want to curl up and hide but I know I've got to be strong for the kids.

I don't want it to be over

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 14/08/2011 10:16

You cannot lay down and take his treatment of you, that would be wrong and allow him in the future to treat you like shit and feel he can get away with it.

He is trying to manipulate you, it is emotional cruelty.

Try to stay focused on your children. He is acting like an ass.

spookshowangel · 14/08/2011 10:23

i am 29 and i was in your position just minus the losing the husband that came later. i am now in the final year of my degree ba hons, i have also gained two diplomas in that time studying with the open university. it will take several years but if you are committed to it you can achieve a degree that will aid you when you want to go back to work. if you are going to be on a low income you will get financial help in the form of course fees and grants etc.

Smum99 · 14/08/2011 10:38

Fabbychic is spot on, he is making you feel vulnerable by not communicating..How can he go out and leave you with sole responsibility for the children!!!! As others say 23 is really, really young (Oh how I wish I had believed that when I was your age:) ). 3 children under 5 is enormous work and even the strongest of marriages would struggle. Add in a step situation (which is the hardest parenting to cope with) and no wonder you feel life is tough.

Your H is however being an idiot - he's likely to feel guilty so treats his dd with kid gloves. It doesn't work and of course will only lead to worst behaviour from her and resentment from you. He's the issue here - if he genuinely had issues with your step parenting he should find ways to discuss them calmly.

I think he needs help to recognise that he is having guilt feelings and over compensating - not sure he will listen to you so could you suggest you get counselling. Preferably someone who has step family experience.

If he leaves the marriage he will be the loser - you however are likely to end up with an easier and more gentle life (especially when the children are all at school age)

busybee1983 · 14/08/2011 11:25

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Original poster
crazykat · 14/08/2011 14:32

I've finally got him to talk calmly and I think we've made a bit of a breakthrough. He thinks kids come first and are more important whereas I feel that we are all equally important.

He's also agreed to try and arrange time on our own more. He doesn't see that as important while the kids are young but I hope I've finally got it through to him that it's important to me that once in a while we make each other the priority.

busybee you could almost be talking about my DSD except I don't think she wants her parents back together as she gets too much out of playing them against each other to see who will give her what she wants.

spook I looked into the OU last night and I should get at least a partial grant so as soon as I've saved up a bit I'm going to apply.

Thankyou all for your advice, there is no way I'm going to let him treat me like dirt for the sake of peace. He isn't all bad and most of the time he's great, just when we argue he knows exactly what will get to me. We've both apologised - he was being a total arse but I said some things in the heat of the moment too. He's promised to try and stop treating DSD with kid gloves but only time will tell. I'm going to try and be a bit more laid back in my parenting.

I've made it clear that I won't take his behaviour any more. I'm not perfect either, I fully admit that and we're both willing to try which is the main thing and hopefully we'll be able to get to where we're both happy.

OP posts:
Gonzo33 · 14/08/2011 14:37

I have not read all the other pp's so I am sorry if I repeat anyone. However I left my exh when I was your age (roughly). I moved 50 mile, got a job in a call ctr (It may have been crappy but it paid) and stayed with Mum and Dad and DS until I could afford a deposit and rented. It was really hard work and money was always tight, but I managed it. I am now ten years down the line and my life is a completely different one.

I should also tell you that whilst working full time and running a house I studied for my financial exams and passed them. I am far from super woman too!

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2011 16:34

Don't give way on your boundaries with the children - ALL of them - OP.

Original poster
crazykat · 14/08/2011 17:54

I don't intend to change any boundries, by more laid back I mean try not to get as stressed as I do when they're playing and making a mess. Sometimes I won't let them do things I know will make a mess (usually when I've got loads to do already), I'm going to try and not do that. Part of our conflict with parenting is that he was brought up with less boundries that I was, I just need to get it through to him that he still had more boundries than DSD does, especially at home.

The rules of unacceptable behaviour are defo not changing and he can't say I'm too strict with them as the kids are generally well behaved, they've learned that tantrums don't work with me but they stil try it occationly.

I want it to work out for us as most of the time it's great, both of us tend to let things build up inside and then it all blows up like yesterday.

I've contacted the OU tosee what help I can get to do a psychology degree which will hopefully start in november. Deciding to do that makes me feel more secure about what would happen if things don't work out and I know eventually I'll be able to get a good job to support me and the kids with or without him.

OP posts:
busybee1983 · 15/08/2011 18:29

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Original poster
crazykat · 15/08/2011 20:11

We have exactly that problem with DSD, when we got married two years ago DD1 and DSD were bridesmaids along with DNieces and DS was paige boy even though he was only a baby. DSD kept trying to get the attention on her by getting in everyone's face and acting up, when it wasn't working she got in a massive strop. I wanted to get a nice family photo of us all but because DSD wasn't getting all the attention and DH and I were our 'nice' family photo had DSD with a lovely scowl on her face and it was the best photo of DSD from the whole day by far in terms of the even more thunderous looks in the other ones.

It does get to me that we haven't got a sinlge family photo with DSD in as she is either scowling because our DS's and DS are in it too or she's pulling stupid faces which ruin it. I don't feel right having a photo with the five of us and no DSD so we don't have any family photos up Sad

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