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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I find him intimidating. Or is the problem al mine?

31 replies

SickandBloated · 10/08/2011 17:40

I have been seeing someone for around 6 weeks. We met in a bar and he told me he was a police officer, I didn't believe him (because they ALWAYS say either fireman or police man when hoping to get laid IME) but he showed me his badge. Therefore I know he works in a "professional" career but I find him intimidating and I don't know why because he's never anything but nice to me. He's a very masculine bloke whereas my ex was very shy, quiet, cowardly etc and I'm wondering if this is why? The only other thing is that I've noticed he can be quite confrontational towards other men, one example was that we were in a pub, I went to the toilet and bumped into my ex on the way out who started whinging that when we were together I'd always refused to go in there etc etc and the man I was with came marching across, asked ex if there was a problem and was actually quite frightening. Ex backed off straight away so I know it wasn't just me. He never threatened him though.
I don't know, I really like him, I just can't quite put my finger on what it is about him that makes me a little on edge. Could it be that the problem is entirely me? It probably is, I just want to know how to get passed it because I enjoy being with him.

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 10/08/2011 17:43

I think the problem is him. Your instincts are there for a reason, don't ignore them.

keynesian · 10/08/2011 17:46

Your one example given in your OP would be reason enough for me to suspect the problem isn't you... but then I would intensely dislike and 'bristle' if an 'alpha' male made the assumption that I needed 'rescuing'...

What else has set your warning antennae off?

susiedaisy · 10/08/2011 17:46

no its him trust your instincts, and i would give him a wide berth if i was you, that behaviour is a big red flag.

Mabelface · 10/08/2011 17:47

Your instincts are there for a reason.

Original poster

SickandBloated · 10/08/2011 17:50

See I reckon this is why men always say they're in the police or fire-brigade, you automatically trust them.

He hasn't done anything else, he calls me when he says he'll call me, doesn't insist on picking me up for our dates (but offers), doesn't try anything on at the end of the night. I am notoriously distrustful though and I don't want to blow it because of my paranoia.

(and to be fair ex is very animated when he's getting wound up so from a distance it would have looked like I was dealing with a very angry/unstable person?)

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/08/2011 17:51

Listen to your gut, it's not a problem, it's an early warning mechanism.

AKissIsNotAContract · 10/08/2011 17:57

Is there anything else other than the incident with your ex? I still say trust your instincts. The first few dates are supposed to be fun, not make you feel uneasy.

Ephiny · 10/08/2011 17:58

Aggressive behaviour and manner would be a big red flag for me, even if it isn't directed at you (for the moment).

Obviously we don't know him so can't say for sure whether your reaction is reasonable or not. But I'd say it isn't a good sign that you're feeling this way. Don't think it's anything to do with being 'masculine' either, it's quite possible for a man to be masculine and self-confident/assertive without intimidating people.

BertieBotts · 10/08/2011 18:06

The thing is though whether it's him actually being intimidating or it's just his way and you're being sensitive to it, I don't think that this is something you should force yourself to get past. Like everyone else says, your instincts are there for a reason, and either they're alerting you to a potential danger, or the fact you already feel intimidated by him is not great anyway. Imagine if you were living together and had an argument - not good to feel intimidated by someone then. Imagine you've been going out for a few weeks and you want to tell him you would like something slightly different to what he's been doing in the bedroom - if you feel intimidated you might find this harder to bring up.

Aggression even if not directed at you is definitely a red flag, BTW.

Also I'd question this "men always say they are a fireman or policeman" - is this just as a joke, or are the men you are dating seriously saying this as a chat up line?

Original poster

SickandBloated · 10/08/2011 18:12

A couple of years ago I was on a dating site and someone sent me a message saying he was a police officer which turned out to be totally untrue. And my cousin was married to a police officer and when they split he said he wouldn't find it difficult to get back in the dating scene because as soon as you tell people you're a police officer, woman are automatically interested. My friend once met someone who say he was a fireman too which was untrue.

So I've known it happen 3 times, although only once with me I suppose.

I was at his house last weekend as he'd cooked for me and things began getting a little heated and I asked him to stop as I wasnt ready and he got up instantly, apologised, made me a drink and asked me to pick a DVD for us to watch etc so he certainly hasn't been threatning towards me. Quite the opposite.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 10/08/2011 18:16

Ah okay, fair enough. I had this image of you in a bar surrounded by men pretending they were firefighters

I don't know whether to just say keep your eyes open for any other red flags. It might be that he is assertive when he feels the situation demands it (if he thought ex was getting aggressive towards you) because of his police work. But I know that ignoring a red flag can be a bad idea, especially if they are drawing you in with other things.

CailinDana · 10/08/2011 18:19

Is there a reason you don't like "masculine" men OP? I don't but that's because I've been overpowered in the past and I know that I'm very sensitive to even the slightest aggression. If a bf of mine did what your guy did (acted in a threatening way towards another man) I'd be very frightened indeed even if it was a minor thing. I know that's partially my own antennae being very sensitively set but I still wouldn't ignore it as I think I would always be on edge waiting for further aggression. A strong, manly presence isn't necessarily a bad thing but if you're intimidated by it then it isn't right for you IYSWIM.

GhoulLasher · 10/08/2011 18:20

I have known 2 men like that and they both urned out to be scary bastards.

lazarusb · 10/08/2011 18:23

Have you asked him why he waded in like that? I think I would and I would also let him how it made you feel uncomfortable.

Ephiny · 10/08/2011 18:24

Agree with BB. Even if you are a bit over-sensitive to this sort of thing, and this is just his manner, it doesn't sound like the two of you would be a very good match.

AmongstWomen · 10/08/2011 18:28

He sounds horrible. Those men who have to go around giving it the big' un are usually deeply insecure. I would put money on him turning out to be a controlling bastard.

Listen to your instincts. If you feel intimidated by him, get out now.

honeyandsalt · 10/08/2011 18:46

Hang on a minute here.

He sees you being accosted by a twunt and goes to check you're ok. He was assertive enough to politely and without threats intimidate the verbally aggressive ex (who is the one who was acutally behaving badly here, and who you say is a coward anyway) off - well, I'd like to bloody hope so. It's his job.

I'm pretty at all these "oh he sounds horrible he's practically abusive already" shouts, it's quite possible he's just assertive when the situation requires it and the OP is used to a wet rag. OP, if there's any indication he is potentially emotionally or physically abusive I'd be the first to tell you to jump ship but I'm not seeing it. Have you sensed a pent-up anger in him if he doesn't get his own way for example? How about telling him you think he's a bit scary and seeing how he reacts?

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2011 18:51

So do you still think he's a policeman? Has he been working for the last 56 hours without a break? Does he have a uniform? Do you know which police station he works at?

I do think you should trust your instinct, but I thought he could just be looking out for you if your ex looked like he was bullying you.

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2011 18:52

And we say 'listen to your instincts' to everyone, but some people have very poor instincts (usually because of some bastard who's whittled them away over a long time.)

buzzsore · 10/08/2011 18:54

I think you should follow your instincts, if you feel uneasy with this man then don't keep seeing him. What's the point of testing out his reactions etc and trying to make it work? You're just dating.

Much better to swerve the guy when he makes you uncomfortable and find someone you do feel comfortable with. It's not a big ask, it's the bare minimum.

buzzsore · 10/08/2011 18:58

It's boundaries that tend to be eroded by over-riding gut feelings or thinking 'I ought to give him more of a chance'. Well, why? Dating should be fun, not fraught.

mumsamilitant · 10/08/2011 19:57

Have to say don't think I like him. Rings a few bells with me.

sidewaysburger · 10/08/2011 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

RitaMorgan · 10/08/2011 20:11

To be honest I'm not sure if it matters if he's actually intimidating or if you're being sensitive - something about him is putting you on edge and that isn't a good beginning to a relationship.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 20:16

if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't

are you still not convinced what he does a living ?

he is aggressive towards other men ?

he makes you wary of him ?

red flags

it would be much better for women if they took notice of their instincts, instead of trying to stifle them and explain them away as "just me being silly"

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