Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

5 years older than him - does it matter?

35 replies

weejimmykrankie · 04/08/2011 14:52

I have been seeing a lovely guy for about 6 months now. All going fantastically well, exclusive and definitely serious, I've never been happier, though we haven't quite got to the "I love you" stage yet.

Thing is, I'm 38 this month and he's just turned 33. We met on a night out through mutual friends and hooked up before he knew how old I was (most people tend to underestimate my true age by a few years, lucky me), but he knew before he asked me out on a second date.

I tend to think that in your thirties that sort of age difference doesn't really matter from a compatibility point of view- I certainly don't have any concerns about him not being mature enough. TBH I'm not psychologically desperate to have DC soon (I don't have any yet, depite being a fan of MN) but I am aware that, physically, I probably need to get my skates on. Don't want to spook him by discussing it yet, but he's bound to have realised that.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Any advice?

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 04/08/2011 15:02

I haven't personally, but my grandmother was older than my grandfather by about 4 years - they met as teenagers. They were very, very happily married for nearly 60 years!

ambkad · 04/08/2011 15:13

Im 5 years older than my DP, in my opinion makes no difference.

ambkad · 04/08/2011 15:14

ooops should have read - IT makes no difference

lazarusb · 04/08/2011 15:51

I am nearly 4 years older than DH. We've been together 16 years and are very happy. Only 2 people have commented on the age difference - MIL Grin and a bitchy friend. Now ex friend but not because of that.

Awomancalledhorse · 04/08/2011 15:56

I don't think it matters.
Two very close friends of mine are 26 (him) & 42 (her), they've been together for 6 years & only now is her biological clock ticking, however they've taken a 'if it happens, it happens' approach to babies.
If you're not desperate to have children soon, why not leave it a while/see if he brings it up..no point rocking the boat over a 'what if'.

TobyLerone · 04/08/2011 16:05

My partner is 25 and I'm 33. So there's an 8 year difference.

We've actually discussed children. I have 2 whom he adores (they're 10 and 11), and he has none. He's not sure if he ever wants any. I've told him that if he decides before I'm 35 that he might like one, I would consider it. I'm happy with my lot, tbh, but I don't think it would be fair of me to say, "Nope, I've had my children, so I'm done now."

Don't think that will happen, though. It does worry me a bit that he'll decide when he's in his 30s that he actually does want children and that it's a dealbreaker for him. That will be the end of us, and it would be very sad. But at the moment, things are awesome and neither of us have ever been happier.

OovoofWelcome · 04/08/2011 16:18

I am 38, my DH is 29. We met when I was 34 and he was 25.

At first I didn't take him seriously because of the age gap, and made it clear fairly early on that as a woman in my thirties I was looking for a life partner and ultimately marriage and probably kids (I thought that if that didn't scare him off, nothing would!). He replied that if that developed between us it would be a wonderful thing and he'd love to find out.

We got hitched a couple of years ago and I am now expecting our first DC. We're very happy!

The only thing I would say is that DH had done a LOT of living before we met, had had plenty of relationships, travelled, crashed about and had adventures. He had a level of maturity beyond his years at 25 (in most ways, anyway Wink ) and was ready for commitment.

OP do you have a sense that your DP wants the same things as you? Don't be afraid to talk about what matters most to you, you are allowed! And if it scares him away it would be sad but you will have found out earlier rather than later IYSWIM?

GollyHolightly · 04/08/2011 16:21

I don't think five years is a big deal at all. Most of my single friends tend to date men at least five years younger than they are. Lucky biatches Wink

PeppermintPasty · 04/08/2011 16:30

Aha! An age difference question. Love these cos I get to say that I met DP when he was 18 and I was 31. Now there's old! There's an age gap! Mind you, there's longer than that on here I'm sure.

Seriously, doesn't matter, didn't matter to ME. But I'm not you. And that must be the point. I got preggers while I was on the pill, so a "mistake" if you will. It then turns out that the protective mother/lioness/biological clock started to shout roar tick all at once. Moral is: beware of not really being psychologically desperate to have children. Neither was I, was only when I was pregnant that the whole thing kicked in MASSIVELY!!! Then had another one, all dandy. At 41, so if you were me I'd say you had plenty of time at 38, but you're not me....etc etc and repeat... Sorry, bonkers day at work, am on an adrenaline high atm.

Original poster
weejimmykrankie · 04/08/2011 16:57

Thanks for all the encouraging replies. I may drop the odd hint about not being broody as he probably thinks that I must be. Six months or so more can't make all that much difference in the fertility stakes after all, can it? Would be a shame to frighten him off with theoreticals when we could just keep enjoying ourselves and get to the point where that sort of discussion about the future comes naturally..

OP posts:
upahill · 04/08/2011 17:02

At work one colleague is 18 years younger than is partner and they have been together for nearly 20 years.

Another colleague is excatly 10 years younger than his partner. She is 38 and he is is 28 and they have been together for 10years.

They are all very happy.

AllYourCakeAreBelongToMe · 04/08/2011 17:06

My mum's about 5yrs older than my dad.
They've been married for nearly 40 years.
It matters not :)

redheadbedhead · 04/08/2011 17:10

oh I think it's a great age difference, my husband is 5 years younger than me. we met when I was 27 and he was 22, and he wasn't scared off by the fact I was already talking about marriage and babies. We're now married and expecting our first this year (I'm now 32, he's 27.) We don't hardly notice the age gap, it's only when I say something like "Do you remember Rentaghost?" and he shakes his head that I suddenly think there's a slight generational gap. But it is really slight, and SO unimportant.

tbh tho I wouldn't bother dropping hints about not being broody if that's a lie, that'll just confuse the issue and make things more complicated. Why not just keep low key about it until you're sure he's serious? Or even better get it out of the way and see how the land lies? You have to be honest with yourself as well and think 'how long would I wait'? I think men of that age dating women of your age are not stupid - they know the conversations coming sooner or later...

upahill · 04/08/2011 17:14

Blimey after quoting people from works ages I forgot about my own mum and dad!

Mum quite a bit older than dad! They didn't find out until they had been together for quite a long while. They moved in the same social circle and worked at the same place it didn't occur to them to ask how old the other was!!

Katisha · 04/08/2011 17:22

Same age difference here.
It did rather force the children issue though. I had never particularly wanted children. DH had always assumed he would have them.
Anyway we got married when I was 38 and had two DCs within 3 yrs. It took a bit of getting my head around...I resented his assumption that really I must have wanted to have children as I had never really got to that point as a reality in my thinking, but it was a bit of a deal breaker otherwise.
Anyway - I am very glad I did.

Original poster
weejimmykrankie · 04/08/2011 17:30

Upahill, that's very funny about your Mum and Dad!
Redbedhead, thanks too . Wouldn't be a lie about not being broody though, I really am not. I stumbled upon MN because I read in the Guardian that it had a thread speculating about the identity of Liz Jones' "Rock Star " boyfriend! Blush

However I'd like kids one day so am only thinking pragmatically because of my age. If I was still under 35 I wouldn't worry about this at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
weejimmykrankie · 04/08/2011 17:36

Katisha, thanks. Good to hear. How long had you been together before the subject came up?

OP posts:
Katisha · 04/08/2011 17:45

We met when I was 34 and he was 29. The subject was only ever skirted about really, but I think not properly discussed because we were making assumptions about each other (dangerous...)
So I suppose when it got to the getting married stage we had to talk about it properly. I said I would give it a try but not make a big deal about it if it didn't happen...
Obviously got pregnant within a couple of months of giving it a try. It was not unwelcome to me, but neither was it a much desired state of affairs! Took me ages to come round to the idea that this was actually happening to me.
However, I did do it all again and I can't imagine life without the DSs now. I am immensely proud of them.

Adversecamber · 04/08/2011 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumToTheBoy · 04/08/2011 19:08

I met my dh when I was 30 and he was 23. We had our ds when I was 32 and he was 25. We are now 38 and 31, so I obviously don't think an age gap is a problem! I did wonder if his family would be bothered by it, as his youngest sister is now only 21 so technically I am old enough to be her mum but they have always been lovely.

lazarusb · 04/08/2011 19:47

Dh was 20 when we met. I was 23 and had a 5 year old. I was his first girlfriend. It was him that wanted marriage and babies as soon as possible but I wanted to wait a bit. We married 3 years later and had 2 more dcs together after that. Could be he wants to make babies just as much as you do!

primrose22 · 04/08/2011 19:57

Its not important, mostly, in my humble opinion. My dp was 25 when we get together, living at home still, childless, gorgeous with no ties. Then there was me. 37, 2 dcs, massive debts, an absent, mostly hopeless ex, a very very ill Dad and reeling from my marital breakdown. What a catch!
Fast forward 3 years, we are happy, very much together and raising my lovely dcs in the house that he helped me to keep. His age isn't an issue, its how much he loves and wants to be with me that matters Grin

PeppermintPasty · 04/08/2011 22:11

I'm very impressed, Redheadbedhead, that you're 32 and remember Rentaghost Smile

squeakytoy · 04/08/2011 22:44

Two of my close friends got married recently, they have been together 14 years.. he is 36, she is 50 and they have a ten year old daughter.

neversaydie · 04/08/2011 22:51

DH is 12 years younger than I am. I was 35 when we met, and 37 when we married. DS was born when I was 41!

Our memories of childhood books and TV are totally different, but would have been anyhow, because I was not raised in the UK. It gives us plenty to talk about.

We have now been married for nearly 16 years - he is older now than I was when we met, and grouses that he is getting old (40!). He gets no sympathy at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread