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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

this is bollocks isn't it?

29 replies

bananapirate · 03/08/2011 10:17

There's going to be no positive answers here I know.
Last year DH joined maritalaffair. he went for a "date"
I found out
He apologised, said he didn't know how he could have been so stupid.
Etc, etc.
things haven't been good, and tbh I don't think I have forgiven or trusted him.
I actually asked him to move out recently, but he is resisting, says we should get counselling etc.
So he is still actually a member, he gets these updates. I have logged in and I know he hasn't used it, you can see the history
He has been very open and discussed the fact that he needs to get it deleted properly.
So the other night, I was sat in front of his hotmail inbox, and there was a message with the subject "your password from fuck buddy" dated last week. Unopened
He saw my mouth drop, we had company at the time, and I couldn't actually pursue it, just fell sick and shaky.

So, here's the lie. He reckons it's because he is still a member of maritalaffair and its some kind of automated email.

I am now trawling through fuckbuddy, to see if I can find him

But it's all bollocks isn't it?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 03/08/2011 10:20

Probably :(

Why is he "discussing the fact he needs to get it deleted properly"? I'm sure it's not that hard. He should have done it in the first place.

Do you want to go to counselling or do you think he's just trying to stall the inevitable?

Original poster

bananapirate · 03/08/2011 10:24

he got a new phone and hasn't been able to set up hotmail on it (true)
he didn't want to do it from work, and he said if he did it from home, I would see it and think that he had been on there looking.
And he didn't want to do it in front of me, because he didn't want to bring up the whole thing again and hurt me.

I don't know why he wants to hang on to our relationship. he swears he adores me.
Even my sister said that he has really been trying recently.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 03/08/2011 10:24

sounds like bollocks to me

FabbyChic · 03/08/2011 10:25

Actually when you join one site a lot of the time they sign you up to their affiliate site without you even asking, he needs to delete his profile on the first site. Why you have not insisted he does that I have no idea.

shesgotherlipstickon · 03/08/2011 10:28

He's having a laugh. Because he can, because he can get away with it.

If you want good advice, tell him to shape up or ship out, and mean it as you are allowing him to treat you like a doormat.

Not many woman would put up with him still being signed up to the site, he signed up for to screw someone else. It's not hard to un sub surely. That should have been the first thing he did. i can understand letting forum subs slip.

But this particular one? When he should be moving heaven and earth to make this right. Listen to what he is telling you he can't be bothered.

OFC he subbed up to fuckbuddy. But what does it matter, no-one will ever know and you'll carry on to keep up the façade. I would have said something there and then, house guests or not. Hiding it is not helping him or you to face up to the fact he is just not monogamous.

Original poster

bananapirate · 03/08/2011 10:28

this is disgusting website.
I can't trawl through 4000 members( a lot of whom are showing their members!)
And that's even if he has given his correct age and region

It does look like the same company though

I have no idea why I am excusing him

OP posts:

niceguy2 · 03/08/2011 10:44

OK, purely for research I've just looked at both sites....(not joined, just in case my partner sees this! lol)

Right, firstly each site is registered to a different person although they are using the same web hosting company which might be a sign they are the same company but just registered to different ppl.

Both sites seem to use Whitelabeldating as their search provider which personally I think sucks. Whitelabel is basically a third party "dating" database which then other dating sites then can use. The problem is that a lot of dating sites specialise in a certain demographic but then WhiteLabel doesn't distinguish.

I first came across them when I joined a site aimed at single parents but I was suspicious that most women on the site didn't have kids. I guess it could be the same here. So the "suckers" join this site thinking all the women on there are looking for no strings sex but the women they contact could have signed up to something like Instant Friends

In my opinion these sites are nothing more than a scam.

But coming back to OP's dilemma. Sorry but I suspect your husband is still looking for sex elsewhere.

Original poster

bananapirate · 03/08/2011 10:49

so, niceguy, do you think my husband's email could have been because he is a member of maritalaffair? It seems from your "research" that it could be possible, thanks for that info.
But you are probably persuaded by the other info?

forget everything else.
I know 100% that he hasn't used maritalaffair. I have his password.

OP posts:

niceguy2 · 03/08/2011 11:37

If I am honest I'd have to say that the chances of him getting this email because of his affiliation to the other is rather slim...to none. The link is at best tenuous.

The giveaway to me is the fact you saw an email about a password. I can't think of any sites which would automatically send you a password unless you've explicitly registered with them. Even with porn sites where this sort of sharing is more common, usually one ID will get you access to all. Hence no need to send you a password.

What happened to the email? You say it was unopened. Open it and see what it says. If it's a marketing email designed to lure him in, then it will be pretty obvious. If it's a password reset email then that will soon be apparent too.

Sit with him whilst you use the details of the email to log into this account he's never used......is he happy to do that? Or is he suspiciously reluctant?

If the email has disappeared, usually with most websites which have a login, they will have a way to reset the password. Find the link and type in his email. If he's no account and it was spam it will just say "no account". If he's created an account then it will send him a password reminder.

But I must say you are opening pandoras box. Good luck

Original poster

bananapirate · 03/08/2011 13:25

Thanks niceguy. That was my thinking. If it said " meet singles in your area" I might be inclined to believe him. But it was definitely about a password.
Stupidly from my reaction I gave him the heads up, and email is now deleted.
Will try and log on as him to get password reminder, didn't think of that.
Have a friend visiting and don't want him to feel awkward so it's a bit tricky to investigate now, he was out this morning.

OP posts:

bananasplitz · 03/08/2011 13:40

ive had these type of things , your password from X site when i havent asked to join

i just delete them

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 13:43

Sorry, but if the subject heading is "your password" then I think he's joined. I think those sites are highly addictive and I'm sorry, but I doubt if he's only met one person.

SuePurblybilt · 03/08/2011 13:49

I had practically that exact same jaw-dropping moment with my Ex. He had every excuse for emails from these sites (plus PINs for PPV Freeview porn) - it was automatic, someone else signed him up, someone he knew was on it and his mates were all laughing at their profile, if you join one, you get passwords for them all, his brother (MH issues) had done it in his name........

All bollocks. Every one. He was pathetically trying to grub up a shag (and failed, don't know if that makes it more pathetic ). He kept at it and I kept finding out, until I chucked his sorry arse out. I am clearly biased but I would say he did join, is on more than one and you need to get to the bottom of it. Sorry.

spongefingeranyone · 03/08/2011 13:58

This all sounds horribly familiar. Alarm bells are ringing and you really need to listen to your own mind and not his pathetic excuses. Just like SueP above I found my vile XP had multiple profiles on all sorts of dating sites, swinginging sites and even a profile as a woman called Lara on one, WTF!! When I questioned him about it he came out with every excuse under the sun including it was all a joke with his RAF mates.

One of the very many reasons he's very much my ex. Read the signs OP, and good luck. I really don't understand men at all and am now a lot happier without one in my life (except DS of course ).

confidence · 03/08/2011 15:00

I would say it sounds probable he's joined the new site, but I wouldn't be absolutely 100% certain. The email could have come unsolicited in any number of ways. These sites do sell on email addresses to each other. It's even possible that he paid for some porn or stupidly clicked on a porn spam email or something, and it got circulated that way.

It does sound wierd that he's committed to deleting his membership but is dragging his feet about actually doing it. Well no, not wierd, but a clear indication that he's hanging on to something.

OTOH, if he says he adores you and wants to make it work, then he probably does. There's a clear chain of action in process for ending it if that's what he wants, so I can't see why he wouldn't just go with that unless he actively wanted to save the relationship. It's quite possible that's what he wants, AND he's still been looking at the sex partner sites. Men can have a way of separating these things and he may have thought of looking at the sex sites as nothing more than checking someone out in a pub, without any intention of doing anything about it. Of course from little acorns oak trees grow etc. etc...

He's clearly not happy about something sexually in the relationship, or maybe even just not settled in monogamy in general. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but it is of course something that would need to be addressed, deeply and comprehensively, for you to have any chance together.

The first thing I would do is sit down together and cancel every membership and delete everything involved. And if there's something you're not supposed to see in doing that, that's probably a good reason why you should see it.

If it's worth your while of course. You may just prefer to chuck him. Do you still love him?

Original poster

bananapirate · 03/08/2011 17:45

Oh dear, some familiar stories there, I'm sorry ladies.
Thank you for all your advice, it's all very sensible.
I feel surprisingly calm about it.

I tried to login with his email but it didn't recognise it.
I went into maritalaffair and deleted his profile.
But not sure that has affected the fuckbuddy login.
That's the thing, he never knew I had that password, I guess I kept it so I could check. Now I don't have that advantage. Maybe that's why I didn't insist he deleted his profile in front of me.

I'm going to sit down with him tonight hopefully.

I don't think we have anything left worth fighting for, but he won't accept it.
The sex issue is an interesting one, as we hadn't had sex for about 3 weeks, which is the longest ever for us. As I said I asked him to leave a couple of weeks ago, so separate bedrooms since then. Maybe that's all it took for him to look elsewhere. Quite sad really

OP posts:

SuePurblybilt · 03/08/2011 17:50

banana. I was numb at this stage too.
I hope you get it sorted out one way or another.

confidence · 03/08/2011 17:54

Well if three weeks is that big a deal to him, he clearly isn't suited to married life.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 03/08/2011 18:01

I would have thought it was possible that he was sent a spam e-mail with a title like "Your password" had he not deleted the e-mail.

If the e-mail proved his innocence, he would have kept it to show it to you.

Saffysmum · 03/08/2011 20:11

Whether this new site is a spin-off from the first isn't the real issue here. That he joined the first site, in the first place is the issue. Why did he do this? Yes, I know he apologised (when found out) and said all the usual stuff - but really, can you go back from this. I couldn't.

evaangel · 03/08/2011 20:20

Are these the sites that you have to buy credits and is terribly expensive to recieve further emails?

My friend caught her partner registering on a few but no activity, I believe fuck buddy is an automated email and she told me that fuckme69 is one also, it is a fake profile from the site to encourage further response.

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 23:21

In that email that said "Your password..." - did it actually give a password? Did you have the opportunity to check?

Eva, you never have to pay to receive an email, though you do have to pay to have a dodgy date.

DrPolidori · 04/08/2011 00:24

Look, I am not excusing your DH in any way, but I recently thought about joining match.com, did the few bits and bobs to register, and then thought better of it. Since then I have been inundated with bizarre sites...have marked them all as spam, but am pretty pissed off that they have shared my email address with numerous dodgy sites. a lesson for me.

pictish · 04/08/2011 00:30

Yes. It's all bollocks.
How many excuses can a person come up with for not doing something totally straightforward?!

Puh-lease! Do not be insulted by his lies.

Just pathetic.

pictish · 04/08/2011 00:36

Not you OP - no, you have the upper hand here.
I would use it to shoo his sorry ass out.

Or, alternatively, you can just accept now that this is his badness, and put up with it. He won't stop doing it.

The worst thing you could do is allow yourself to be talked round, or brush it under the carpet. That way madness lies.
Do what is right for you, but put yourself first. xxx

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