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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is scaring me

42 replies

bluespoon · 02/08/2011 19:10

I don't know what to do. He's downstairs right now, pretending to be calm, but this evening he has created an argument out of nothing, followed me around the house shouting at me, threatening to break my posessions (like the laptop), snatching the phone out of my hand, blocking my way out of the room. When I tell him he's scaring me he just says 'well you're scaring me' and other sarcastic things like that. We have a toddler. I would just leave, but there's no way he will let me get out of the house with the toddler. I don't want to do a slow reveal but there is so much other shit too and I can't type it all up right now. Basically I think he's going crazy or having a breakdown or depressed or something, but I know nothing about this. I know there is no answer to this since if you tell me to call the police, I won't. Just talk to me please, and be kind.

OP posts:
spout · 02/08/2011 19:12

is there someone he respects and listens to who you could call? His parents maybe?

neuroticmumof3 · 02/08/2011 19:13

Sounds like you're in a truly horrible and scary situation. My heart is pounding just reading your post. Try to stay out of his way, if he'll let you. Why are you reluctant to call the police? Not criticising, just asking btw.

aftereight · 02/08/2011 19:14

Why won't you call the police? Is your toddler safe?
I hope somebody comes along with some good advice, and I hope your DP really has calmed down.

GreenTeapot · 02/08/2011 19:15

Do you have family or friends locally who you could phone secretly? Could anyone come round, even just on the pretence of visiting? I don't think it's a good idea to be home alone with him while he's like this, it's obviously out of character or at least pretty unpredictable. Even if you can't get out you still need to protect yourself and your child.

GypsyMoth · 02/08/2011 19:17

call the police.....i've been through this,my ex has always been violent,but on one occasion he started to act so weird,i had to act! he had some sort of psychotic episode and i never went back. if you are this scared,then you do,honestly,you do need to act.

you say you cant get out the house,the police will make it easy for you to just go.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 02/08/2011 19:17

if you think he's having a breakdown can you ring the out-of-hours service - they will give you good advice. Tell them everything.

shineynewthings · 02/08/2011 19:18

I'm trying to think what i would do if this were me. I think I would try and keep out of his way for the rest of the day - so as not to alert him - until things appear to calm down. I would secretly pack a small suitcase or bag hide it for now, and leave at the next opportunity -maybe tomorrow- and not return until he has got help or at all. If you feel unsafe don't ignore your instincts act on them.

GertieWooster · 02/08/2011 19:21

Do you have family or friends close by who can come and get you?

NicknameTaken · 02/08/2011 19:21

I understand if you just want to keep your head down and get through this night. Will he be out of the way tomorrow? Can you call Women's Aid? I think you definitely need to get away, but often women do it in the relative calm after the incident rather than mid-incident.

You don't have to do this alone - Women's Aid and Refuge are good allies to have.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 02/08/2011 19:21

I agree you should keep out of his way. Is your toddler in bed?

I know if it were me I wouldn't feel comfortable spending the night in the same house as him. Is there anyway of leaving the house without him noticing, even with your child?

Why won't you call the police? I really think you need to inform someone.

PhilipJFry · 02/08/2011 19:25

Bluespoon, it's going to be okay, you can handle this. What you need to do now is get yourself to a safe place, like your parent's or a friend's. If you don't want to call the police then no one here can force you to, but if you think you might be in immediate danger then please do ring someone up and tell them how urgent the situation is. Ask them to come round so you can be sure of leaving without him stopping you. Like a female friend who can bring her husband with her?

uninspired · 02/08/2011 19:31

Even if you and your DC leave with just the clothes on your back then get yourself to a safe place as soon as you possibly can and ring Women's Aid.

They can help you with everything.

Stay safe

colditz · 02/08/2011 19:32

Why won't you call the police? Have you done something really awful? DO you deserve to be mistreated? Does your child deserve to watch it's mother being mistreated?

Post your address on her, to a private message to one of us, and we'll send the cops round for you. You won't have to do anything, just be ready to go.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2011 19:41

BLUESPOON, CALL THE POLICE ASAP AND HAVE THEM ESCORT YOUR H OFF THE PREMISES.

OR DO WHAT COLDITZ SUGGESTED. OR LEAVE YOURSELF, WITH A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER TO HELP YOU AND YOUR CHILD.

I can't think of any reason not to call. Even if you have immigration problems exceptions are made for victims of DV, which you are. If you are a member of a close knit ethnic or religious community, there are helplines there for you.

Onemorning · 02/08/2011 19:44

Call the police.

asecretlemonadedrinker · 02/08/2011 19:49

please call the police. Your fear - your toddler will be feeling that fear too. Get out with the clothes on your back and your DC, it's all you need. Or wait until he is asleep and go. Please. Where are you?

GypsyMoth · 02/08/2011 19:49

you plan to leave him anyway.....so why not now?

asecretlemonadedrinker · 02/08/2011 19:51

if it's bad enough that he won't let you out of the house with a toddler, it is BAD. Bad enough to leave now. Please PM one of us, we can help x

LeoTheLateBloomer · 02/08/2011 20:06

Bluespoon where are you?

By that I do actually mean both geographically and where physically right now.

Original poster
bluespoon · 02/08/2011 21:19

Sorry, didn't want to disappear. DP calmed down somewhat, we bathed DS civilly, and then while I put DS to bed, DP went out for a walk. I've just spoken to him on the phone. He sounds a lot better now and apologised (not sure exactly what for though). I told him I thought he was depressed and he should see a doctor (I've mentioned this to him several times in the past) and he agreed, which is progress on his previous responses.

I'm going to read your replies again and then respond. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
notsorted · 02/08/2011 21:28

Do go and see the GP yourself too. If you share the same GP then it may help that they realise the affect his depression is having on the family and safety of DS.
You won't get any response re what they think of his state, probably, but it is a good idea and also see if you can get any help/support yourself as if he is seriously depressed then you won't be able to rely on him very much for a while and will need to be as strong as you possibly can be for DS. And do talk to WA as well and get a RL friend on board too -belt and braces.

mathanxiety · 02/08/2011 21:32

The police will take someone having a psychotic episode to the A & E if you call them.

Original poster
bluespoon · 02/08/2011 21:56

Argh, I just wrote a long post and my browser crashed before I could post it...

OP posts:
Original poster
bluespoon · 02/08/2011 22:10

And now I've just seen the 'MN is being invaded' thread. It's probably true, but it has made me cry (not difficult at the moment!).

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 02/08/2011 22:16

Right, bluespoon, I am in no way qualified to help with this situation - but there are lots of women here that are. Please tell the whole story. It's clearly not the first time that you've felt threatened and you need to sort it. No procrastinating. Everyone here will listen to you.