DP is scaring me

[bluespoon]

I don't know what to do. He's downstairs right now, pretending to be calm, but this evening he has created an argument out of nothing, followed me around the house shouting at me, threatening to break my posessions (like the laptop), snatching the phone out of my hand, blocking my way out of the room. When I tell him he's scaring me he just says 'well you're scaring me' and other sarcastic things like that. We have a toddler. I would just leave, but there's no way he will let me get out of the house with the toddler. I don't want to do a slow reveal but there is so much other shit too and I can't type it all up right now. Basically I think he's going crazy or having a breakdown or depressed or something, but I know nothing about this. I know there is no answer to this since if you tell me to call the police, I won't. Just talk to me please, and be kind.

(((bluespoon)))

Thank you Abby. I'm feeling overwhelmed and don't know what to say. I'll try to be as concise as possible.

DP and I have been together for four years, and have a nearly-two year old. We have always argued, and the shouting and being a bit aggressive (either of us) is nothing new. Since DS was born, things have got worse, we've drifted apart, no sex, no time spent together as a family (he works five days, up until this weekend I worked the other two), we're both studying and finding it hard to make time for it, not much in common. This last year, while DP has been training on the job, he's been really stressed, can't decide whether he's made the right decision about his career, as a result he's been a twat to me. I've tried to be patient and understanding, but have reached my limit. For financial reasons in a few weeks' time DS and I are moving in with DP's parents for a few months (in another city) while he finishes his training. He'll visit us at weekends. Recently he drunkenly confessed that he's been taking drugs when he goes out with his workmates - this has happened a handful of times over two/three months, I think - this is so out of character for him. Then this Sat (my last weekend at work) I had to call in sick because he went out drinking and rolled in at 6am. He had driven home (he's done this once before, a year ago, and was appalled at himself afterwards). I told it was over, and he has been very apologetic and promising to prove himself to me since then, until today. Basically he seems to be spiralling out of control, and I'm afraid of what will happen to him. The plan to move away is all arranged and I am definitely going ahead with it, but I also want to help him as much as I can, and I need to get through the next month until it happens.

He has just phoned and said he agrees he is depressed and needs to do something about it. He said that when he was driving home drunk he thought two things could happen. He could be arrested, or he could crash, and either would be a good thing.

It isn't really the state of our relationship I'm worried about (at the moment I don't care either way), it's his mental health.

So you are going to stay and help a man who feels he has absolutely nothing to lose, a man who is willing, in a completely self-absorbed way, to drive drunk in hopes of good things happening to him, in callous disregard for the safety of other users of the road -- when all he has to do is ditch the pride and grandiosity and go to the doctor like Joe Bloggs and get a diagnosis and help for himself,the way grown ups do...

And there is a small child there too? It's not just you staying; there is a small and innocent bystander here?

Please leave asap and let him sort himself out. You are not his mother and you owe your child (the only person whose mother you are) the duty of taking care of his safety and welfare.

Agree with Mathanxiety.

I'm afraid abusive men often play the 'it's not my fault, it's my mental health' card. Going from being abusive to contrite and saying they will get help, then back to abusive again. He has already made promises to you to get help that he has then broken.

You were scared, you said in your OP "I would just leave, but there's no way he will let me get out of the house with the toddler", he took the phone off you and blocked your path, how are you going to protect yourself and your child if (or when) this happens again (and the abuse and intimidation has escalated)?

and then there's the drug taking, is he really going to be honest with his doctor about everything?

You and your child deserve not to live in fear.

I agree too. My abusive ex would accept that he had a problem and needed help. He knew what he was doing was wrong etc etc but of course it wasn't his fault, it was down to any number of different reasons.

Did he get help? No. It was never going to happen and eventually I worked that out.

Look after yourself and your little boy. Please.

Thanks for your replies. We've had a talk this morning, and I've made it clear that if I feel scared again I will call the police. He had convinced me they would do nothing, so thank you for convincing me otherwise.

I think he genuinely didn't think what he was doing was that serious. He is really struggling to take responsibility for his behaviour, but I am pointing it out every time he tries to deflect blame or twist the situation to make it my fault. I think he is beginning to see what he is doing. I asked him about seeing a doctor again, and he's still saying he will do it (needs to register with a GP first, of course...). I guess I should move over to the mental health thread.

I know you all think it is pathetic to hang around in this situation. I would probably say the same, but it is easier said than done. Thank you for being there for me when I felt alone.

Oh bluespoon I don't think it is pathetic at all: indeed, it is easier said than done.

He "didn't think what he was doing was that serious" because it suits him not to take responsibility for his own actions.

You can go over to the mental health threads if you want, but bear in mind that you cannot obtain help for another person: only your DH can get help for himself. If he wants to. You can't do it for him, and you can't make him want to.

The only person you can help is yourself, and your child.

Did he genuinely think it wasn't that serious or is he trying to rewrite history so you'll put up with him?

Is he struggling or unwilling to take responsibility for his behaviour?

You can't make him sort himself out if he does indeed have mental health problems. And saying he will do it is one thing but if he doesn't actually bother going to the doctor then I think that says something else. That he's not taking you seriously.

He will do it again, as he knows he can. He doesn't think the police or you will do anything and it's not that serious. You said so yourself, via words and actions.

Remember MN is here and do, do return for support and keep a number for WA handy.

This WILL escalate, he WILL get worse. I'm not scaremongering, it's predictable fact .

You will need this place again, don't feel pathetic. He is a classic abuser, his behaviour towards you and possibly the dc, will get worse, guaranteed.

A man so self absorbed to drink drive, etc, risk harming others, it won't be long before you could have police and ss banging at your door either as his behaviour escalates.

Be wary of any supposed "MH" issues, that may or may not be the case. It's a classic line.

So keep safe and remember to return, you WILL need support.

I can understand your desire to help him, honestly. But this is a situation like the one on the emergency info on planes where they say to put your oxygen mask on first. Your duty is not to him, it's to your dc. Get your dc and yourself away first - look at it as giving him a major incentive to sort himelf out. As things stand, you are not helping him, you are enabling him.

I'd suggest you leave entirely, or else bring forward the move to his parents, if they are genuinely good to you. Let them know what's going. Do NOT cover for him in any shape or form.

Sorry to be bossy. I've been in your shoes and I know how hard it is. You need to put your dc's needs ahead of your P's.

the only way you can help him is by calling 999 and getting him taken to the nearest A&E for assessment - or for him to go there. no GP is no excuse.

wheh he is having an episode getting mad etc you must call 999 police and polcie will determine if he needs A&E - or police cell. or both .

it is not your job to treat his mental health - you CANT do that - even if you do happen to be a trained professional.

you need tog et you adn dc to safe place where you wont be alone with him.

and if you think it is some kind of MH issue then call 999 and get him apramedics/police to take him away
or have him go to nearest A&E for the on call psych assessment.

This is not a mental health issue, Bluespoon. You have told him so when you told him you would call the police if you felt scared, yet you seem to think it is basically a matter of mental health? And even if it was a MH thing, you are not qualified to either diagnose or treat it.

This is a matter for the police. Now that you have told him what you will do IF... you must be prepared to do it.

This is also a matter of your safety and your child's safety. What your H has done in telling you he drove drunk and has been doing drugs is that he has given himself permission to play with the lives of other people and his own, that he has no regard for the law, and is a dangerous person. He has told you this himself, and please believe him.

You have now set yourself up as the relationship police, the monitor of his behaviour, and absolved him of the responsibility of looking at his behaviour and deciding how he will behave using criteria that normal people use when making decisions, by telling him that you will call the police if you feel scared. This is a man who thinks he is invincible and immortal and that there is nothing the police can do against him -- he has in very devious fashion managed to convince you already that the police would do nothing to him. He is willing to take his chances with your feelings, and he is able to take the phone from you anyhow.

It is like telling a child 'If you raid the biscuit tin again and eat all the biscuits, I will send you to bed with no supper' -- the child doesn't care because he will have the biscuits and not feel hungry. The illusion that he is amenable to persuasion is a trick your mind plays on you. The desire to feel that you are in control of the situation and to bargain with him and try to restore a balance of power in the relationship is natural in the circumstances, but you need to listen to your fear here and believe it. It is your best friend.

Please bump up the date of your departure. Sleep on a friend's couch if you must, but your H is out of your control and to stay under the same roof is a huge risk. And not just for you but for your child.

I thought that my ex had mental health problems because I didn't want to believe that this man who said he loved me, and who I loved and wanted to be with forever, could hurt me (no MH professional ever found anything wrong with him).

In my mind there had to be a logical reason for his behaviour and MH problems was the answer. No, he was (and still is) an abuser.

Now you've read all the posts on this thread, you may start (I hope) seeing his actions for what they really are. No one on this thread has sixth sense, rather he is following a very common pattern that a lot of the posters will recognise from their own experiences.

Good luck bluespoon

That is certainly food for thought, mathanxiety - I will definitely think about it. I'm trying not to take the responsibility for his actions (big or small) out of his hands, so thank you for picking me up on it - it is sometimes hard for me to see when I am doing it.

Please don't think I am putting all this down to MH issues. I'm not. His behaviour and any possible MH problems are separate issues, I realise that. I do think he is depressed though, and has been unwilling to recognise that for a long time.

I think once you let him get away with diagnosing his problems as mental health issues you are giving him carte blanche to behave as badly as he wishes.

A MH problem warrants immediate diagnosis and his immediate commitment to co-operation in his treatment. You need to call his bluff on this one and insist he goes for assessment. Do not take 'later' for an answer.

If he keeps on putting up obstacles to diagnosis (not signed up with a GP blah blah) then he is getting something out of the way he treats you that he is not willing to give up, and quite possibly knows that a doctor will tell him to get over himself and start behaving better.

He hasn't tried to blame his behaviour on being depressed, just come back to me and agreed after I said I thought he should see a doctor. I don't think he sees the two things as connected.