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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH just kicked me

125 replies

Help1 · 02/08/2011 15:35

DS came home and was GRUMPY, I started unpacking the groceries and I had a go about the fact that he is miserable (AGAIN) when he walks in the door. He walks out the kitchen, I have my back to the door, he walks back in and kicks me from behind!! Full force on my back. I have no idea how to handle this. I yelled but the kids were there ( :( ) He is now sitting on the pc like nothing happened :( This happened about 15 minutes ago. Please, please help.

OP posts:

GeekLove · 03/08/2011 13:54

Echoing others advice - do you have access to passports, bank statements etc? if you are planning on going either do it NOW or else make sure that he can have no inkling of your plans -it is clear that he is violent and controlling.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 03/08/2011 15:08

Please leave.
Take the advice of the posters who know what they are talking about.
Please.

TheOriginalFAB · 03/08/2011 15:40

Help1 - you can come to me. I will put you up and there is food in.

You need to go to your GP. You need checking over. If you feel you can't tell the GP write it down.

Ignore your dad. Different generation and of the one where you made your bed...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to everyone and get this abuser out of your house. Your children deserve better, as do you, but if you can't see that do it for them.

[worried]

mathanxiety · 03/08/2011 15:40

Help1, you should have your back examined by a doctor as soon as possible. Please tell the doctor what happened. This will be very hard for you I think. But don't just leave it. It is incredibly humiliating to 'admit' to someone on the outside that you, a grown adult, a mother, were treated like this by someone you believed once when he told you he loved you. It is very hard to say the words that need to be said. If you wish, tell the doctor it is difficult for you to get the words out, because it happened at home.

Call Women's Aid and ask for help and support; they will listen. Be prepared to make several calls before you speak with someone as they are often busy, sadly. Don't give up.

There is a book you should read, by Lundy Bancroft Why Does he Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It will help you get an idea of what you are dealing with, and you will see that it is not normal.

NicknameTaken · 03/08/2011 15:45

Definitely talk to Women's Aid. They can help you sort out what's normal and what's not.

I know exactly what you mean when you talk about feeling numb. It's a survival mechanism. It can either be your friend or your enemy. It's your enemy if you bury your head in the sand and hope the situation goes away. It's your fried if you make use of the numbness to get yourself (and DCs) out of there - to a refuge (yes, your situation is "bad enough" for this to be a very real option), to a hotel, to anywhere. Don't wait for your feelings to catch up. Plod through the getting-away part like an automaton. It's shit, it really is, but you can save yourself and your DCs.

malinkey · 03/08/2011 20:46

Help1 are you ok?

PeppermintPasty · 03/08/2011 20:50

Hello OP, just checking back in and we're all on repeat-shocking, horrible and isolating for you, no wonder you feel like there's an elephant on your chest. I'm so sorry your Dad gave you such crap advice. I really hope you can do something about it, it's way way beyond normal. How do you feel about what the majority of us are saying ie to get away, get out?

puzzlesum · 03/08/2011 21:13

Help1, hope you've managed to get your back looked at today.

camaleon · 03/08/2011 21:28

Help,
I have nothing to say... just keeping this up... Hope you are Ok

PeepToes · 03/08/2011 23:08

help1 what your H has done is not the actions of a person in a loving relationship. You mentioned he's pushed you, twisted your arms, broke things...he clearly has a violent temper, and the lack of remorse indicates to me that he is abusive. The fact that you feel that you have lost your sense of normality, makes me wonder if your self esteem has already been ground down by him.

I totally relate to your situation. My h was like that with me, and it wasn't until I posted here, and divulged the true extent of what was happening to my close friends and family that I was able to recognise that I was being abused. That I wasn't in a normal relationship. And I too felt ashamed.

I found the Lundy Bancroft book helpful, and I also started checking out websites about domestic violence etc.

The most obvious indicator, to me, that your H is abusive is the lack of true remorse.

He sounds like a brute of a man. You need to protect yourself and your family. Contact WA.

Please take care, feel for you, keep posting x

ninjasquirrel · 04/08/2011 06:10

Hope you have gone to the doctor or can do today to get checked out - if you don't feel you can do anything else, please do that. And keep posting when you can - maybe you should think about deleting your internet history? Someone else on here will be able to tell you how to do that.

Tortington · 04/08/2011 06:32

how are you today?

NevermindtheNargles · 04/08/2011 07:23

Help1 are you ok love?

NevermindtheNargles · 04/08/2011 07:23

Help1 are you ok love?

TheOriginalFAB · 04/08/2011 09:16

Help1 - please let someone know what has happened and us that you are okay if possible. There are lots of people routing for you and will help you in anyway you need.

happyeverafter · 04/08/2011 09:30

How are you today Help1?

I've just read this thread and there is a lot of good advice here but I imagine you don't know what to do for the best at the moment.

I recommend going to see your doctor to check that you're physically ok and have a chat about your feelings. He/she won't judge but will be able to help. I saw my doctor about something similar two years ago. The difference is that for me my DH had not previously been violent and he was drunk when it happened. This does not excuse what he did but he was very sorry and I still believe he is. Things are better now but it has taken time. I was very low for a while and my confidence went.

My doctor gave me some valuable advice. One thing she said was to make sure I told at least one other person what happened. She then said that if god forbid my DH was violent to me again, I must get out but there would be someone to turn to for support. She didn't judge or condemn my DH as a wife beater but merely said I should take time to think about what I needed to do. If necessary spend the night in a hotel or refuge to get space if I needed to. You may find it easier to speak to someone outside the family. I certainly couldn't tell my parents what happened to me. In the end I told a close friend whom I could trust not to tell anyone else. I didn't want it going round the school.

I understand what you mean about feeling ashamed. It's the shame that makes it difficult to tell. Just try and tell someone. The doctor is a good place to start. Only you can make the decision whether you stay in your marriage but I stress you need to tell someone and you mustn't let it happen again. You deserve better.

welshbyrd · 04/08/2011 09:43

Jeez

Hope your ok Help1

Ive been through a very violent relationship to the degree I had to leave my home town and go to a Womens refuge 400 miles away

Help1 - the kick to the back is just the start of it
My relationship was not very violent at the start, the verbal started first, the words he used to describe me were disgusting, a few months afterhe kicked me just the once, then the next time it was a kick and and punch to the tummy, each time he did more.It got so bad, he actually threw his sons clothes [had just washed, ironed] from the kitchen table, down the toilet
Final straw, he kick my glass front door through, whilst my DD6yo was stood by it, thankfully she was not hurt
Im not saying your DH is the same, but Im trying to show you, that a few isolated seemingly minor incidents, can escalate so quickly. Especially if your DH, believes there is no consequences for his behavior.
I really feel for you

welshbyrd · 04/08/2011 09:50

Just wanted to add, no woman is responsible for a mans violence

While I already knew this at the time, being told a few weeks ago that ex-p had put his present g/f in hospital with a possible broken jaw, and black eye, just proves it.

GeekLove · 04/08/2011 11:21

Help1 how are you?

mittenkitten · 04/08/2011 11:25

I really hope Help1 is okay physically. Really been worried about the blow to her back. Please post if you can Help1.

GeekLove · 04/08/2011 15:58

Help1

If you are not sure about what to do next please look at timetochangeforgood's thread

neuroticmumof3 · 04/08/2011 18:19

I hope you're ok OP. If you haven't already done so please call Women's Aid and go to your doctor. You need some r/l help with all this.

mummasita · 04/08/2011 19:33

OP I got really upset almost cry, that's terrible. I have only read some of the replies but you should go to the gp to check your back and then please get yourself and children away from that horrible man. Please before he get angry another time and kill you.

IvyAndGold · 04/08/2011 19:43

Jesus christ :( OP, don't think there is anything else I can add that hasn't already been said. Please don't take this crap. Please come back and let us all know you're ok, we're all here for you

thebody · 04/08/2011 19:50

this rings so many bells for me.. fully remember my father doing just this to my mother while she was at the sink.. she had asked him not to spit in it as she was washing up and he just kicked her... i remember her trying to hide her tears..... she is still with him and he has physically attacked her on a number of occasions since... then he acts as if nothing has happened and she tells me that he says she pushes his buttons....

this will happen again... call the police and get help.. your children will see this behaviour either now or in the future.. affected me and my sister...

once a bully, always a bully... i would like to kick the bastard for you love.... make him pay and call the police asap...then change your locks

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