Im so humiliated and embarrassed
That can turn into a prison love.
Tell somebody. Doesn't matter who. Friend, family, authority figure.
But don't keep this a secret because it will trap you and your children far more efficiently than any cage made of titanium.
Your post is full of red flags. I am prepared to be every single eruocent in my bank account that you are going to get hit again. At least as badly, if not worse. That is how sure I am that this man is not a one off striker, he has prepped the ground in his head to make it a regular habit by placing the blame for what he does, on you.
Please consider going out for a while with the kids and calling the woman's aid number that was posted above.
This is not your shame, this is not your mortification, it is his, and you need to be in contact with people who will underline that for you.
do not beat yourself up for paralysis, do not beat yourself up for not knowing what to do in your shock and fear.
But for your sake and the kids sake do not inadvertently collaborate in your entrapment by keeping this secret and not seeking out some kind of help.
Right now, forget him, forget you, that's complicated and tied up in an 18 years history. think of you children and their vicinity to physical threat. You have no guarantees they won't witness him hitting you, you have no guarantees he won't start on them. Make them the priority in the here and now. He is currently a loose cannon so they need to be away from him and safe until you have time to work out what is what and where you as a family can or cannot go from here. Worry about the details later. Just get them out.
You need to leave that house. You need to be with people who will protect you from both the violence and the brainwashing that intends to convince you this is YOUR fault.
But it isn't, it never was. You do not control his central nervous system, he does. And he chose to kick you hard in the back when you didn't expect it.
He chose that.
Do not chose to protect him from public shame caused by his chosen actions, because it is denying him the ONE chance he has to turn this around for himself as a human being, by looking at his actions reflected in the horror and disgust of people who have not being creating ready made excuses in their heads.
Do choose to protect your children. Which you cannot do if you are in an environment which places you at risk of physical violence.
I know you'd die for your kids to protect them. I'm asking you to go to another place to protect them. You can do this love. No matter what he has told you, no matter how much he has made you feel worthless and useless, you aren't. And you can do this.
Big fat hug love, be brave for your children and do what needs to be done to keep them safe in both the short term and for their longer term emotional, mental and physical needs.