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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just kicked me

125 replies

Help1 · 02/08/2011 15:35

DS came home and was GRUMPY, I started unpacking the groceries and I had a go about the fact that he is miserable (AGAIN) when he walks in the door. He walks out the kitchen, I have my back to the door, he walks back in and kicks me from behind!! Full force on my back. I have no idea how to handle this. I yelled but the kids were there ( :( ) He is now sitting on the pc like nothing happened :( This happened about 15 minutes ago. Please, please help.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/08/2011 18:36

Yes, report it to the police and do it tonight. You would do that if a stranger kicked you, wouldn't you?

I've just been reading this and now I've read your thread. Nip this in the bud now; don't let it get to the stage that the poor woman in the news was in.

ImperialBlether · 02/08/2011 18:37

And yes, he knows it's unacceptable. He's sleeping after kicking you? Not even an heartfelt apology.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 02/08/2011 18:40

I hope you get the help you need.

He has gone off to 'sleep' because he doesnt want to deal with what he has just done.

There are some posters on MNs who know a lot and will do everything they can to advise you.

oldwomaninashoe · 02/08/2011 18:46

You know that his behaviour is totally unacceptable, as well as being (i am assuming) unexpected.

Is this in or out of character for him?

I would be inclined to quietly pack bags and quietly leave, even if you intend to try and "work it out" with him in the future he needs to realise your position when it comes to his physical display of temper.

NanaNina · 02/08/2011 18:52

As many are saying this is totally unacceptable behaviour which is inexcusable BUT you have been married for 18 years and this is the first time he has done such a thing. What is the underlying behaviour because the assault was prompted by you saying he was grumpy again. So what is making him grumpy - is it his job or might he be depressed.

I think to talk of Womens Aid and calling the police are a bit OTT to be honest. IF you really do want to get away, and do not have the financial means to get away, then yes Womens Aid may be the right course of action. If you call the police they could well arrest him and later charge him with a S47 assault, especially if there are marks on your back, but he will be bailed and back home within a few hours and then what..........he will have to wait to see whether the CPS are going to prosecute him, and if he has no record, he could well get off with a conditional discharge (which means that nothing happens within a specific time (usually 1 or 2 years) so long as there are no further offences. If there are, then the CD is taken into account in sentencing.

SO can you come back Help 1 and tell us where your thinking is now. Could you issue him with an ultimatuum, that you will leave if it happens again. What are your financial circumstances. Is the house rented or bought on mortgage. You could get good advice from CAB on things you will need to think about if you decide to leave.

Mind I DO think it would be a good idea for you to take the kids and go somewhere either tonight or tomorrow - somewhere you can stay for a few days, which will drive it home that you mean business and you may be in a stronger position then to issue him with an ultimatum, but if you do, you must be prepared to carry it through.

5littleducks · 02/08/2011 19:01

nana it is not the first time he has been violent to her (see her post at 1542). even if it was, not sure why that would mean phoning women's aid or the police would be ott.

OP - please phone women's aid and at least get some advice from people who deal with this all the time.

thinking of you.

Toobluntforboss · 02/08/2011 19:03

I pretty much agree with everything NanaNina has said actually but wanted to wish you the best, however you decide to proceed.

Toobluntforboss · 02/08/2011 19:04

5, I must have missed that-I thought it was the first time too. Agree with getting advice from experts is the best thing.

shineynewthings · 02/08/2011 19:08

O.P. Regardless of how many years you've been together I GUARANTEE that if you do not kick up hell and high water about this now, TODAY, it will be only a matter of time before something similar happens again. 18 years does not a passport to physical abusive-worse-than-that-given-to-a-dog-make. At the VERY least, leave the house NOW if you haven't already, and if you have any close relatives get them onside to back you up.

He's taking the PISS and the fact that he feels he can calmly go on like nothings happened says that after 18 years he has exactly 0.00% respect for you. Walk, and do not return without first giving him the hardest time of his life.

You either force him to remember what R.E.S.P.E.C.T. means or bear the consequences.

neuroticmumof3 · 02/08/2011 19:11

Does he display any other abusive behaviours? Does he belittle you, criticise you? Is he jealous, possessive and controlling? Do you sometimes feel you're walking on eggshells around him? Just wondering what he's normally like. I think you should contact Women's Aid when you're able to. They'll talk you through your options and may be able to put you in touch with a local domestic abuse service. I think it's important you get r/l support and advice with this situation.

Jux · 02/08/2011 19:17

He can SLEEP after KICKING his WIFE in the BACK???????????? Has he no shame?

What everyone says. Do not let him get away with it.

cityhobgoblin · 02/08/2011 19:32

OP , to be kicked in the back is incredibly dangerous - one blow can cause a lifetime of pain , numerous types of disability , bladder and bowel incontinence - saying this not to distress you further but because he may well know how dangerous that was , even if he denies it .

I 've seen dv Sadin my extended family and yes,occasionally a deeply committed person , with great support , can change - but if my beloved dh of 19 years were to kick me in the back I would leave immediately , call the police and get a restraining order so I would never speak to him again . You can arrange for him to have supervised access to your children - you need never see him again. You are in massive danger right now ... a man who can kick a woman is capable of murder .

cityhobgoblin · 02/08/2011 19:34

Also OP , you may not have the option to go in a few months , as the government is stopping Legal Aid for this sort of situation , which will lead to women being unable to protect themselves and their dc from a violent partner .

mathanxiety · 02/08/2011 19:36

I disagree with NanaNina, and agree with ShinyNewThings.

To stop him in his tracks, you need to call the police. This will escalate (over time) otherwise.

Can you go down to your local station and ask for their Domestic Violence officer tomorrow if you don't feel up to summoning them now? The incident needs to be reported. The police might be able to direct you to services.

Call Women's Aid too and be prepared for a long wait, maybe several calls until you are able to talk with someone. Don't stop trying.

You can't (unfortunately) change locks if he leaves. I would be keen to have him leave the house. The police might order him out for a period if you opt not to press charges. He needs to be given the message that what he did was unacceptable.

colditz · 02/08/2011 19:38

Get out. Go to the nearest friend or relative and call the police. Have him charged with assault, or in fact just leave and don't go back, but don't stay.

ChristinedePizan · 02/08/2011 19:39

Are you okay?? Are you in pain? I agree that you should get the hell out of there too.

TanyaBranning · 02/08/2011 19:39

It doesnt really matter if he has never been violent before. Kicking someone in the back, kicking your wife in the back, is extremely nasty and dangerous behaviour. You must get yourself and the kids out of the house. is there anyone who can come and collect you and take you away for a few days>

asecretlemonadedrinker · 02/08/2011 19:43

Phone the police. At least it will be on record, you don't have to have him carted away. If anything else happens (IF you stay), the police will be aware of anything previous and will respond accordingly. I would worry if I were you - this seems so cold, calculating and the behaviour of someone who could flip out. No doubt you are living in abit of denial - if you really sat down and thought about it, there will be more. I have been here. Looking back, I was in hell and excused it time after time. It is not a one off, you have said he has pished you and name called. The 'low level' abuse (name calling) is escalating. Do you want to stay with him? I am sure you don't, why would you? Don't put up with anything you don't want to, 18 years or no 18 years. We are here for you x

ImperialBlether · 02/08/2011 19:50

This man is so sure that you will not complain, that he has gone to sleep.

This violence started the first time he called you names. You stayed then, didn't you? And then he pushed you and you stayed.

Now he's kicked you in the back and has gone to sleep, safe in the belief that you will stay.

You must end this. He will not change - he's got worse over the years, hasn't he?

GertieWooster · 02/08/2011 19:52

What an awful shock for you. Please get yourself and your children safe.

What would you do if you saw someone kicking a cat out of frustration?

So many people on this board have been in your situation before (me included) - we are here for you.

MadameCastafiore · 02/08/2011 19:54

Do what you would do if it were a stranger that came into your home and kicked you or when your son's girlfriends leaves him because he has been violent with her or your daughter comes home with a black eye making excuses for the arsehole that hit her you won;t have a leg to stand on.

intelligenceitself · 02/08/2011 20:01

OP don't listen to the apologists please. Kicking you in the back is dangerous, whether poor diddums is stressed or not Hmm

StewieGriffinsMom · 02/08/2011 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeyandsalt · 02/08/2011 20:09

I am utterly stunned at the people who think there is any sort of excuse for this behaviour.

OP, I hope the reason you haven't replied is that you're out of the house and talking to the WA/police as the more sensible posters have suggested. Please do post an update when possible.

HerHissyness · 02/08/2011 20:16

Whether or not WA or the Police is an over-reaction or not, it is better to send a CLEAR message to the man who thinks (1) that he can kick his wife full force in the back, and (2) that shows no remorse and is able to go to flipping SLEEP afterwards.

If this were a slip, an aberration, this man would be sorry, would be wretched and in pieces about having booted his wife, not relaxed enough to close his eyes and slip into a restful nap. why do all abusive men need their naps???

He doesn't appear to be sorry, unless a big gesture/reaction is made, this guy will have 'got away with it' and he'll kick harder, and harder, more and more times the next time.

and there WILL be a next time.

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