What was your gaslighting experiences?

[want2sleep]

Thought I would start a new thread as didn't want to highlight the troll and still a bit confused?

So when ex accussed me of hallucinating and attacking him and he told midwife and he lied is this Gaslighting?

Or is it when ex told everyone I put hole in condom to get pregnant...the other story it was someone else's baby is this gaslighting?

Or when he told SS I was abusing ds....and found out later ex was actually physically abusing ds is this introprjection (sorry extra question)?

Can others share there's as it helps me understand it better in real life iygwim?

I think, if she is calling the H at work to ask where the sunglasses and deodorant and other sundries of hers might be, she has got to sound just about the most pathetic, muddled, incapable woman on this earth. What if her calls were put on speakerphone or if his replies made it clear to anyone in earshot that she was not able to find her deodorant? The impression she may be making in his office is not a positive one here.

I think it's more sinister than just him wanting to feel needed. People who do this like to feel superior and to have their greatness acknowledged. He kills two birds with the one stone when she calls the office, and he has (up to the moment when she realised he was doing it on purpose) experienced this at home. He needs her to the extent that he needs to feel superior to her. But he is not doing this as a warped way of making her dependent on him. He is not a boy scout gone astray and fabricating good deeds.

Want2Sleep, I got very trigger happy with the phone and called the police whenever I felt threatened by exH. I called the time he hit me and strangled me and I think it gave him the fright of his life (underneath all the bluster and the angry words he had for the police). Once a few years later when he threatened DS {age 17 at the time} on a visitation weekend with calling the police on him if he left the apartment (after DS refused to go to a party exH and the DCs had been invited to) I called the police when DS called me to tell me what had happened, and asked them to do a wellness check as DS was distraught. They visited, found DS locked in, alone and very upset, and the incident was recorded. A few months earlier I had called the police when exH jumped into the back of my car to threaten DD1 and myself with contempt of court motions because DD1 had apparently been rude to her grandparents (I kid you not) I dialed the emergency number and simply held the phone in my lap while the tirade went on at high volume. The emergency operator heard everything and the rage was recorded. When the police arrived to have a chat with him later he was like ice -- but they only had to listen to the recorded episode in the car to hear how he had been just a few minutes earlier.

Lesson is call the police and log all incidents and tell your ex you have done this. Show them the forums where he threatens you and all texts and emails from him. I really recommend the camera for you. I also second the idea of an email address dedicated especially to him, and a phone separate from your main phone. But if your ex is the sort who has absolutely no respect for the law then be careful because you will need some sort of physical backup that a restraining order will not provide. My exH hasn't gone that far yet, but I have all sorts of angry emails with angry accusations, and also now a file of court papers he has filed full of the same baloney he has no idea how crazy it all looks. That is the part that makes me say 'yet'.

SHEESH do not tell your ex (about calls to the police).

Math you are very organised and very brave too...having to go through court with ex scares the hell out of me..I did it once the stress was unbearible.....you are extremely strong! How you did that telephone call when ex jumped in car...you were so brave! I would have froze. You have had an horrendous time Math and I can't even imagine how bad it was for you as I have not experienced violence from ex (physical bodily harm)....again you are extremely strong to stand up to your exH...well done:)

I dont think I could email ex and want emails off him....it was torture for 4 yrs...it was my computer breaking and leaving internet and email address (sadly lost a lot of emails of ex being a twat) that it stopped I just never gave him my new email/home number again. I dont think I can cope with the psychological torture(crap) from him anymore, but the threat of attacks was the worst. I was expecting to die. I know he wont come close with cctv thankfully now. But I still get terrified esp at night lately?
Can I call the police about him calling me fat etc...police will laugh cause I am...see it has effected me...ex knows I have no back up as alone with ds with disability and therfore takes advantage of bullying even more.

Thanks though Math what you have said really helps understand more. That helps me feel more in control when I understand a little more each time :)

You might be able to recover data from the old broken computer all the same (as long as you still have it). I am stuck emailing exH as we need to communicate wrt the DCs, and he uses this to launch attacks. I now have an email address just for him.

Stuff like general insults you can't call the police about that, but it helps to build up a picture of a hostile and angry person who doesn't like you at all. Any threats call them. It is illegal to threaten someone.

(I honestly don't know what possessed me to dial the police number except that I knew exH was berserk that day. He was always fit to be tied after a long car trip and had had about 9 hours behind the wheel that day (though he always said he loved road trips). He ran down the stairs from his apartment as if it was on fire when he saw me arriving to pick up DD1 and I had seen that energy before when he was completely would up and fueled by adrenaline, so I thought 'better safe than sorry'. You do things for your children that you might not do for yourself. I really thought he would assault DD1. There is also the element of making up for lost time as far as calls to the police go. I should have called them years before I made the first call but second guessed myself on the occasion.)

Do you you think I should contact him to ask him why is he insulting and lying about me on the internet...using a new email account?

I don't think so, want2. Try to view it as his process, his problem, and just leave him to it.

Is what he's doing likely to seriously damage your life? Stop you getting jobs, etc, or would it be obvious to anyone who reads it that he's just a crazy ex having a rant?

want2sleep yes please don't give up on police. It's important to get things filed and recorded. If you don't want to call them, try going to the station in person. They can't fob you off there, it's probably easier to do that on the phone.

Yes don't play the game, but do keep good records. Most phones have voice recorders which can be useful.

Is dp a priest in the religious sense of the word or is that just a name you gave him?

Barbie he is a high priest in a cult? pagan group. I didnt know he was into this when I was with him...he wore a ring with a star but thought it was because it was nice?

GB I sent it to the solicitor...as there are others she is now going to email him (that is all we have) to tell him it must stop. I feel a bit relieved she is doing this as he may grow up and stop the nasty behaviours.

Well done :) That's far more dignified (and realistic) than you yelling back online!

Recently broke up with my fiance for different reasons, but now reading these posts I'm starting to wonder if that's what he was doing? He used to talk about moving out/breaking up often, but when he wanted to get married a few months later and I brought it up, he said 'when did I say that?' so then gave him a very accurate description of all the times he said it, where we were, what we were both wearing, when it was, what we had just been doing etc and he would say 'oh, I think I can vaguely remember...'

And the thing with the car keys - he was terrible for losing his keys, so he often gave them to me. As a result, I would always pay careful attention to where he was putting them. So sometimes he would say 'Oh you have my keys' and I would just say 'no they're in X place next to X thing.' Then he would just get the keys and leave it but now it's making me wonder if he was doing it deliberately?

And he also used to do the why do you need to know thing, to innocent questions. e.g. 'what did you do today' 'why do you need to know'.

All this is really making me wonder. I guess because it never bothered me, because I thought it was just poor memory, so I never considered it.

And he used to say I was deliberately confusing him as well

'Do you you think I should contact him to ask him why is he insulting and lying about me on the internet...using a new email account?'

No. Part of it is him desperately seeking your undivided attention so the less he gets fed the better. Going through the solicitor is the best way to respond, though he is not likely to do so. Keeping a record and showing the police is important.

Vegetariandumpling it sounds like it; one of the frustrating aspects of it is that it is very hard to deal with someone who seems to care so little about the meaning of words that came out of his own mouth, or details about his daily life (I'm saying he and him but women can do this too) you might have had quite a strong reaction to him saying he would break up or move out and might have spent a while saddened or desperate to keep him or whatever, yet apparently the words were completely meaningless to him.

I would advise against 'fighting back either mirroring behaviours or engaging on the Internet. The theory behind it is sound in some ways as 'mirroring' is a technique that is used to gain a level of rapport with someone and can be very useful, but not when there is violence or abuse. There is a chance that the abuser may increase the level of intimidation if his behaviour isn't having the desired result, and reacting by being violent or abusive back could backfire dangerously.

Ditto the Internet, I would definitely go with the Lundy Bancroft rule of 'No Contact'. He wants to keep the game going and will likely want you to react to his provocation as it proves he still has power over you. Ignore, ignore, ignore and expect him to chuck everything at you but if you can, refuse to engage on any level.

There is a Dr on the internet who wrote a book about narcissim and said he is a narcissit too...he says to ignore the stalker will infuriate and cause more rage....and another Dr on Utube said it...so thought maybe it would be best to contact him.

The solicitor phoned me back and she isnt doing letter yet as she needs to do something else first.(can't disclose it)..but it will take a while. However my file is getting fatter to :) and the evidence piling up. Thanks barbie and inatrance I have ignored the attacks and internet and driving past for 3 yrs now...when will the man get bored and move on?

I do think he will be furious when he does get the letter to stop...as he will think 'who is she telling me!' That is my worry he will up the anti? Why hasn't he moved on and found another victim....is it because he can't find an easier one?

Oops just reread it ...it said the stalker with get furious if the victim 'evaded' I took that as ignore...but they mean move/change number and emails...this can lead to violence...that's when the attacks on house started when I closed my email and changed my telephone number!

I think that Dr is Sam Vaknin? He has written lots; it is straight from the horse's mouth and very good advice. He doesn't mean you can prevent abuse by engaging personally with the abuser iirc, but to do as you are doing with the lawyer. Indifference is the one thing that makes someone like this really mad but you have to train them into accepting that you are indifferent and have moved on or they will keep on being encouraged by your attention to try to keep you on their endless loop of abuse.

Don't be afraid to report all attacks on the house and all threats to the police.

Math yep Dr San Vaknin...isn't he fantastic! How did you know with all the Drs/experts? You know your experts! So I am reading from a good source then :)

Knowledge is power...:)

I have been lurking on this post and I think it has helped me spot a gaslighting experience this lunch time. DS2 is disabled and on a course to help him develop a skill he is struggling with every day after lunch for 1 hour this week. We both took DS on Monday and DH took him Tues. I said I would take him the rest of the week as we are both working from home - we both have very flexible jobs. Last night I mentioned I was struggling to get all my work done in time to be off for work 3 weeks from the middle of next week and do the childcare and DH said to help he would take DS2 to the course today so I could get on with my work. I agreed.

This morning DS2 was watching TV and DH complained to me several times that it is a shame on DS2 that he has nothing to do this morning. I agreed but pointed out that it is a funny week with the course in the middle of the day which meant he couldn't go to a holiday club and that it only applied to yesterday and today. The other days he had one of us off work. A bit later DS2 came upstairs and asked me to play so I did. DH came to see us and I said I would spend some time playing with DS2 while he worked if he could definitely take DS2 on the course while I worked this afternoon and evening(as agreed yesterday). DH agreed this was a good idea. I then played with DS2, took him out to do something he asked to do and then made lunch for everyone except me so I could get everything ready for DS2 to go out to the course. About 10 minutes before they were due to leave, DH came in complaining that he was going to struggle to take DS2 on the course because of a work commitment at 3pm that he must have know about - not something that could suddenly be arranged - and that he needed to be home and on the phone by 3pm. I explained that he could leave the course 5 mins early and get back in time, so not too much of a problem. He carried on complaining. I also offererd to take DS at that point if he could make tea and organise the evening so that I could work until late. He ignored my offer, carried on complaining and then said he had never agreed to take DS today anyway, so why was he doing it - which I believe is the gaslighting issue. Now I'm feeling guilty because I am writing this instead of working but I was a bit annoyed and thought it was a good example.