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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What was your gaslighting experiences?

118 replies

want2sleep · 28/07/2011 19:00

Thought I would start a new thread as didn't want to highlight the troll and still a bit confused?

So when ex accussed me of hallucinating and attacking him and he told midwife and he lied is this Gaslighting?

Or is it when ex told everyone I put hole in condom to get pregnant...the other story it was someone else's baby is this gaslighting?

Or when he told SS I was abusing ds....and found out later ex was actually physically abusing ds is this introprjection (sorry extra question)?

Can others share there's as it helps me understand it better in real life iygwim?

OP posts:
Original poster
want2sleep · 29/07/2011 20:45

GB funny how they go for women who own their own house and then bleeds them dry before walking into the next house! They try and take everything and leave total destruction!

OP posts:
gettingagrip · 29/07/2011 21:01

They can't change.

garlic - your 'smirk' that your ex did when you reacted with control and calmness would be this....

rictus grimace

This is a sign of tension and fear, all animals do it at moments of high anxiety.

All my narcs have done this when they have suddenly realised that their stupid games are getting nowhere. It is a glimpse into their tortured inner person, and is easy to spot when you are looking out for it.

If you stand up to them and do not give in they will all do it eventually. It is fear - of you, and of their real self, which they must keep down at all costs, as to release their inner self and admit they are only 'human' is something they cannot do.

HansieMom · 29/07/2011 21:33

MathAnxiety, the Yahoo thing may not be his fault because I had the same problem with Yahoo. I cannot recall the info I need to get on, have tried several times and gave it up.
Your X cannot be a happy man. So much anger in him. I've heard this before which may help: pretend there is a bubble around you. It protects you. He can't get in. Any nasty looks, barbs, they just bounce off.
Also, say, if he comes to the door, can you just act indifferent to him, like you're awfully busy right now?

mathanxiety · 29/07/2011 22:15

GaG -- that is the expression all of exH's family have in family photos Shock. They are the craziest, mixed uppest family I have ever met.

I think I realised eventually it really was a Yahoo glitch, but at the time I was spooked as he had access to the family computer. Yahoo customer service gave me three pages of instructions to try to sort out what was happening and I thought it would be simpler to just stay away. Now that I have a new computer I may give it another try with a new password etc.

When I think of the amount of energy it must take to carry off the effect of being really angry with me every time we are in contact, I roll my eyes and shake my head sadly. I have got into the habit of bring the girls' suitcase for their weekends to the door, and when it's a few minutes to 8 I bring it out and down to the bottom of the stairs. I have a back porch off the apartment and will use that when it gets rainy and cold. I completely ignore him, make sure the girls are buckled into the car, give each a hug, assure them I'll call to say goodnight and wave when they drive off, giving off the best 'pleasantly ignoring the evil eye' vibe that I can muster.

Before the family home was sold he retained a set of keys and made it clear initially that he felt perfectly justified in walking in whenever he wanted (legal as he was on the mortgage) but the pleasure of that must have worn off because he gradually confined himself to the living room and eventually he would knock and wait to be let in. Now that I have my own place I feel so much more queen of the castle. He only gets to cross the threshold on the DCs' birthdays if we have the cake and candles here.

Jellykat · 30/07/2011 10:20

want2sleep - Whoah! - How could you think i was accusing you of being a troll??? I was explaining about the previous deleted thread, and answering Monkeys query..

As i recollect you and i both posted on the thread following that original one - Stating that MNers should not allow our experience of the Troll thread, to cause suspicion when reading any future posts re. Abuse/ gaslighting etc...

We agreed to stick together - I'm hardly likely to cry troll the next day on such a sensitive thread! Besides which, i've never accused anyone of being a troll, and having been a victim of DA myself, i never will on this subject... Sad

Bugger! Wish i'd had the chance to come back on last night and clear this up.

PhilipJFry · 30/07/2011 10:30

This was a long time ago and I'm not sure if it's entirely gaslighting, but:

"I don't understand why you're upset that I slept with her, I didn't realise you thought we were in a relationship. I thought it wasn't that serious and you never said anything about it".

And on and on and on until I felt silly for not being more clear, thought conversations we'd had about being together must have been misinterpreted on my side and finally thought I must have been overreacting and felt embarrassed for being upset. God, I was so young.

PhilipJFry · 30/07/2011 10:35

And that "relationship" went on for a few months as well, right at the beginning of university when everything was new and scary. Never have I been so bewildered and confused by someone's behaviour, or felt so vulnerable. I doubted everything about my judgement :( Never again.

SeverusandLilysLoveChild · 30/07/2011 10:42

Is hiding my medication so he is the only one who can find it gaslighting? And expecting praise when finds it for me As well as plaster and calpol I need for the kids when he's at work? And my Deodorant and sunglasses, to the point I keep buying them to try and make sure I know where one is?

Original poster
want2sleep · 30/07/2011 11:06

sorry Jellycat I was confinced that was my ex (the troll) and he was doing it to then cast doubts over other MNs situations...I kept emailing MNHQ to ask was the person from X place but they could not let me know either way!

When told by my own mum she thinks I am kicking the door in when we had row day after he attacked...well it does make then the person paranoid iygwim and sensitive about it. I am crap at reading posts and I thought you said I knew he said the things and put hole in condom/kicked door.

Having real issues at mo so sorry really angry towards ex and ds waiting for an operation and just so down:( That twat has never given athought for his ds. So that's why I am sensitive...sorry again Jellycat I have directed my anger better now anyhow.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 30/07/2011 12:07

Severus - I'd say that's really sinister control Shock And, yes, assuming he doesn't tell you he's hidden it, it's gaslighting.

want2sleep - sorry you're so embattled at the moment :( Do try to find as much support as possible in RL. x

Original poster
want2sleep · 30/07/2011 12:26

Sererus I think this is a form of Munhusan (sp) by proxy where the person will make another person ill for attention....in this case hiding the medication. Beverly Alliet (sp sorry) a nurse in 90s would give mediation to children then rush in and save the children to look like supernurse and get all the praise...many children died :(

If this is what your partner has Sererus he is a killer to get attention:( Very very dangerous...get out now! Before he gives a leathal cocktail to one of the kids and not save them in time...please look the condition up...it is a serious mental health disorder that needs years of therapy.

Garlicbutter I am distraught....no other words! I had to ask Paediatrican was this caused by abuse ??? He doesn't think so...but going to go back to GP. I would be to ashamed to tell anyone in RL except professionals ...i think I will go back to police now...will speak to solictor next week what ex has done to ds...it has destroyed my soul :(

OP posts:
notsorted · 30/07/2011 12:41

Hi wanted to add my experience.
Ex had an emotional/real affair. Told me he'd slept with her/hadn't slept with her. Once pleaded that he'd mislead me. Even his mother wasn't sure this woman existed for a while as no one had met her (still hasn't). Then did weird things, put me up on dating site - he'd got some of my passwords, and possibly then put her up there too. Told me it was just a 'ruse' when we were discussing possible holiday.
I know he's not rational and can't wait for him to slip up with OW now, he's with her and she sees what she has heard as my 'allegations' are absolutely true. Still she has my email so one day I hope we can compare notes.
I just want to keep DCs safe from his behaviour. Oh and I got blamed every time I stood up to him.

Jellykat · 30/07/2011 16:02

want2sleep No need to apologize, i can see it's a bloody hideous situation you've been left in to say the least!

Could i ask if you've contacted Womens Aid for RL support?

mathanxiety · 30/07/2011 16:15

PhilipJ -- that was gaslighting.

SeverusandLilysLoveChild · 30/07/2011 17:24

Its not as clear cut as maybe i made out in my previuos posy. Its my medication for depression, so I should take it everyday, but can cope if its less often. I leave it on my dressing table, its there for a few days then all of a sudden I can't find it. I ask my DH to help me find it and he mircaclously finds it some place I've already lloked.

With the children, I can never find where the calpol is if I need to give it to one of the children during the day. I have to phone him up to ask it where it is ( even though we have a first aid box where it should be) and he either gives me a really vague answer, or tells me a place he's put it that i would have never found it.

My deodorant disappears, as do favourite or essential pieces of clothing and my sunglasses. Again I go mad trying to find it, ask him to help me, and he miracolously finds it a place I've already looked.

May be I am just scatty and forgetful, but it seems less and less like it .

PhilipJFry · 30/07/2011 17:32

There's something very odd and unsettling about that Severus. Moving around your medication is especially bad. It's a very nasty trick to play on your partner, if trick is even the word for it since it's an ongoing thing. I wish I knew who you could talk to about something like that, maybe someone here will have had a similar experience and know why they're doing it?

Is this affecting how often you take your medication?

mathanxiety · 30/07/2011 21:58

Severus, why don't you hide it all away from him instead of leaving it in a place where he can find it and take it from you? Or buy seconds of everything? Do you have to go through a swichboard to reach him at work? Can others at work overhear him giving you directions to the children's medicine? He may be setting you up to look like some sort of totally mindless eejit (or worse, incompetent mother who can't even keep track of the children's medicine that should always be in the medicine cabinet) in the eyes of his colleagues.

I would be very tempted to buy a nanny camera too, and catch him in the act.

garlicbutter · 30/07/2011 22:05

I agree with Math on both points, Severus. Tell your GP about this (yes, tell them!!) and get a double prescription. Put your pills, a spare bottle of Calpol, a second pair of shades, in a bag or a box where he will not look. My ex followed me and rifled through my stuff on a regular basis, so go overboard and bury your 'extras' box in the garden or ask a neighbour to take care of them.

With antidepressants, you need to take them regularly because they have a cumulative effect in the body. It's not like taking aspirin, they won't work properly if you keep missing them.

Tell your doctor about it, please.

garlicbutter · 30/07/2011 22:07

Forgot to say - nanny camera's a top idea :) Alternatively, does your laptop have a webcam? Check the software that came with it - mine has a motion-sensor security setting. He might not notice that, at least the first time. You'd probably feel better if you can see him do it.

Original poster
want2sleep · 30/07/2011 22:28

Glad your not mad at me Jellycat only got here for support on it as wouldn't tell other parents who I hardly know. So here is a real life line for me and grateful of support:) Yep I had WA outreach for 4 wks (thats all they give) and that was reassurring in Feb/March whilst awaiting cctv. I am hoping I get some cbt from WA after September time?
Other than that alone....ds tutors know the situation...well they saw ex thankfully and 2 of them together at one point...that is my only 'I don't feel like I am going insane' evidence!

Serve I am worried the gp might not give you double amounts because if they think you might take an overdose. Wonder if your partner wants you sick to be the 'carer' ???is he worried you will get better and leave? It is worrying though!

Gosh I am shocked with some people's stories of gas lighting though.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/07/2011 22:37

You can position a nanny camera at the top of curtains at the back in a part of the curtain that is stationary, with a peep hole cut through the fabric. Gives a nice bird's eye view. Anywhere high up is good really.

Get a small wireless one that has a transmitter that you plug into the computer or tv. Here's one that's not too pricey. Here's another.

The webcam idea is fab.

Original poster
want2sleep · 30/07/2011 22:54

thats what I love about here math and GB really fab suggestions...you would make a first class spy:)

OP posts:
jasper · 30/07/2011 23:15

I detest the term gaslighting.

I can't be the only one, surely?

We don't need a new word to define arse behaviour

garlicbutter · 30/07/2011 23:28

Well, the play was first staged in 1938 so it's hardly a new term, jasper. I don't know what they called it before then - perhaps a name wasn't so necessary, since men regularly had their wives consigned to asylums without too much questioning. What term would you prefer?

Speaking for myself, it's bloody helpful to have a name for such extraordinarily weird behaviour.

jasper · 30/07/2011 23:33

Yes, garlicbutter, I know that, but as a term it has only come into use quite recently.I could of course be mistaken .

I dislike it because I have seen so many online debates about what actually constitutes "gaslighting" and I think it actually detracts from the issue of downright weird and unacceptable behaviour in relationships.

I don't want ANY term for it, it's all just bad stuff