DH puts me down and calls me Stupid, baby on the way, how to deal?

[HPonEverything]

I was inspired to post this by the "DP called me a slag" post but didn't want to hijack it.

I have a similar 'problem' (don't think I've ever been called slag though). I get "wanker" and "twat" and more cough endearing ones like "shittydrawers". It's all banter and I laugh and don't really mind. I don't do it back because it's not my style but I don't mind him doing it.

The 2 I really do object to though are "Stupid" and "Shut Up". I pull him up every single time over these. He apologises for "Stupid", but doesn't see what's wrong with "Shut Up". He still goes on to use them the next time. I was not allowed to use the words "Shut Up" when I was a kid or I would get hit, so I never use it. DH doesn't do it in a kind of "oh shaaaaat aaaaap" jokey way which would be almost acceptable.

My real concern about these words is that when it's just the 2 of us it only affects me. However we have a child on the way and what kind of respect will that child have for me if it hears my DH calling me Stupid and telling me to Shut Up? I've explained this calmly to DH and told him he needs to get out of the habit ASAP, he sort of agrees but thinks I'm being OTT.

A lot of it with my DH is that he has self-esteem issues. He comes across as over-confident and quite cocky, but I know he has problems with me being the most, well, academic (sorry if that sounds vain), or geeky if you like, and better at general knowledge, crosswords, that type of thing. He puts me down when we're alone or in company.

It's pretty much his only fault and we're very much in love, so I feel bad being on here slagging him off, so to speak, but I'd really appreciate some advice.

I don't want to start objecting to every bit of banter, or get precious about it, but I envisage a future with a 4-year-old telling me to shut up because it's heard daddy say it to me and thinks it's ok.

HP only you can decide what is the bast way forward but you have my utmost sympathy. he does indeed sound horrid.

just wanted to say that my DH is very similar - little insults, setting me up to watch me fail at most things i try to do. now we have DC is is worse i do the childcare (all of it) run the home and work, and he still seems to have no respect for me.

so from your position jump forward a few years, my DS is almost 5, he said something horrid to me the other day and i said "hey, you dont speak to your mummy like that!" and his response was "why not, daddy does" i cried so much, and mostly because its true and i never did anything about it.

its too late for me now

It's not too late mad! Your dc is only 5! He's still only learning. You have years and years to turn that around if you left now.

Imagine in 10 years time when he is 15 and he is exactly like his dad . . . look back at the tiny 5yo and think how different he would have been if you had left then. Actually visualise it. You'd kick yourself.

Don't stay another 10 years, you know that's the wrong thing to do for your son. It's not just you he will talk like this to but ALL the women in his life. By staying you are setting him up for a lifetime of failed relationships.

Madformainecoons, listen to WhoseGotMyEyebrows. It isn't too late, just hard. But it will be so much worse to stay there.

I was also going to say to the OP, that her H's abusive friend that he looks up so much. That will be her H in a few years without any doubt.

Don't you think it's peculiar that if your dh is so easily influenced, it's by other (bigoted) people but not by you, the person he's supposed to love and prioritise?

Don't you think it's peculiar that if your dh is so easily influenced, it's by other (bigoted) people but not by you, the person he's supposed to love and prioritise?

I had an ex like that. I guess he just had no respect for me whatsoever, as he acted as though my opinion counted for nothing. I was a lot younger then him as well (just like you OP) and I think that does play a part. He also had a friend who was, well, a wanker, and he would hang on every word this man said and take his advice to the extent that he did every thing he said. He had no opinions of his own (realised that eventually) and just took on the opinions of the friend. If he had a problem and I made a suggestion on how to deal with it, he would just ignore me or say I didn't know what I was talking about. Then friend would make the same suggestion and he would come to me and tell me this great idea friend had, which would be the same as what I said. My ex had very low self esteem as well due to a bad adoption but he will never change. He's been the way he is for the 20 odd years I've known him.