DH puts me down and calls me Stupid, baby on the way, how to deal?

[HPonEverything]

I was inspired to post this by the "DP called me a slag" post but didn't want to hijack it.

I have a similar 'problem' (don't think I've ever been called slag though). I get "wanker" and "twat" and more cough endearing ones like "shittydrawers". It's all banter and I laugh and don't really mind. I don't do it back because it's not my style but I don't mind him doing it.

The 2 I really do object to though are "Stupid" and "Shut Up". I pull him up every single time over these. He apologises for "Stupid", but doesn't see what's wrong with "Shut Up". He still goes on to use them the next time. I was not allowed to use the words "Shut Up" when I was a kid or I would get hit, so I never use it. DH doesn't do it in a kind of "oh shaaaaat aaaaap" jokey way which would be almost acceptable.

My real concern about these words is that when it's just the 2 of us it only affects me. However we have a child on the way and what kind of respect will that child have for me if it hears my DH calling me Stupid and telling me to Shut Up? I've explained this calmly to DH and told him he needs to get out of the habit ASAP, he sort of agrees but thinks I'm being OTT.

A lot of it with my DH is that he has self-esteem issues. He comes across as over-confident and quite cocky, but I know he has problems with me being the most, well, academic (sorry if that sounds vain), or geeky if you like, and better at general knowledge, crosswords, that type of thing. He puts me down when we're alone or in company.

It's pretty much his only fault and we're very much in love, so I feel bad being on here slagging him off, so to speak, but I'd really appreciate some advice.

I don't want to start objecting to every bit of banter, or get precious about it, but I envisage a future with a 4-year-old telling me to shut up because it's heard daddy say it to me and thinks it's ok.

Have you got anyone to talk to in RL? No, not good female friends who aren't somehow connected to us as a couple anyway... I can't even talk to my mum because she feeds off negativity and I'd rather not give her the satisfaction of thinking there's a problem - she's very resentful of me and my seemingly happy life. A couple of people in real life have suggested I should have some counselling though (not over the DH issue specifically though)

You could speak to someone at Women's Aid. The service is completely confidential and completely non-judgemental. No-one there will tell you what to do either, however if you decide you do want to leave they can support you practically and emotionally with that.

Perhaps you feel that going to Women's Aid is over the top - that it isn't 'real' abuse that you are suffering. It is op. It is emotional abuse. And workers at Women's Aid know that emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

In the book of the Freedom Programme, one of the direct examples of emotional abuse given is when the partner has an insulting nickname for you that he insists he uses either jokingly or with affection. I think the specific example in the book is "Little Pig". Your 'affectionate jokey' nickname is "Shittydrawers". It's just another way of breaking down your boundaries and convincing you that black is white and up is down. You know this name is neither affectionate or funny but somehow if you complain he manages to make you out to be uptight and humourless.

Time to get angry Hpon. How dare he speak to you like that?

HPon - your DH reminds me of my ex. He used to put me down in public, mainly, was racist, left his first wife, hardly ever saw his daughter and although I didn't realise it at the time was a misogynist. He was quite controlling and had a vision of me and how I was supposed to be rather than who I was IYSWIM. His exes were also a littany of imperfections (mainly of the visual variety). He also had very high standards of household neatness etc (although you would never see him with a toilet brush in his hand).

This is how it is going to be when the baby comes:

He will still expect the high standard of neatness in the house, but what he may have previously done around the house (not sure if he is good at housework at the moment) will all be deferred to you because you will be at home more than him. Despite the fact you have a baby to look after too.

He will offer very little input and support into childcare - that will be your domain.

His life will change very little when the baby arrives - yours will change dramatically.

The belittling/"bantering"/racism will worsen - he will have you where he wants you.

Your life at the hands of this man will be worse.

It will be much harder to leave when the baby arrives - not only because of emotional reasons, but financially and logistically. Everyone on this thread is in complete agreement about this man. That is rare even for the Relationships forum.

This man does not like women, does not like you and will treat you like an unpaid slave. He will do this because that is what he has learnt from his father and it is being reinforced by his dubious "friends".

He is the father of two daughters. Does he belittle them too? What do they think of him? He was not much of a father, as he left his young family of a wife, a toddler and a baby of six months. Also probably having an affair for a while before he left. Not Man Of The Year Material.

I'd like to see you stand up for yourself, as in, You will not call me stupid, said with a steely glare.

good point Hansie- what is his relationship like with his children from his previous marriage?

HandDivedScallops The first 3 in particular I've already thought about and discussed with him. To be fair he's very very good with the house and we currently work well as a team together. I think he assumed it would be as you say with your first point - that I'd suddenly do everything because I was at home - but the more I read on here (in the pregnancy/childcare forums) the more I realised it wouldn't be like that. I've told him what I've read there and that it won't be like he assumes. I don't think he's expecting it any more.

I expect my life to change dramatically, but to be frank it needs to anyway for various reasons. He's self-employed but works round the clock and knows he needs to work less when the baby arrives... we'll come up with something re childcare if and when I go back to work, depending on what working arrangement I can get. I really hope you're not right that it'll all come down to me. If anything he was more eager to have the baby than me, I kept putting it off because of my career, and for a while he mooted the idea of being a SAHD. He wants me to continue working if that's what I want, but is happy to support me if I don't, or if I choose to do something different.

I'm already, even tonight, on guard about the belittling and the insults. I feel it must seem like I have had a sudden personality change.

HansieMom He hardly knows the girls, their relationship is very strained. The older one is now estranged.

Keep up the personality change-don't weaken.

HPon

how come he doesnt know his DDs? do they live far away?

Why is the relationship strained? is that from not knowing them well?

Why is the eldest estranged?

They live far away from us now yes, and being army he was always stationed abroad when they were younger. They had the odd chaperoned flight out to wherever he was once in a while and he took them on holiday, but from what I can tell DW1 wasn't very happy with this. He tried to get more access but the court ruled against even alternate Xmas's.

Yes the relationship is strained from not knowing them well, them being so young when he left.

The eldest is estranged following a big row they had a couple of years ago. If I'm honest she behaves like a brat towards him and the argument was not down to him (or at least, not down to anything he did in that specific incident). He's tried a few times to make amends but she's blanked him.

do you know why DW1 wasnt happy with their dad taking them on holidays?

why did the court rule against every other xmas? why did that even go to court? why did DW1 not want her DDs to see their dad?

what was the big row about?

how old are they? in what way is she a brat?

How have you ended up pregnant to a bastard like this?

He's a racist misogynist who verbally abuses you.

Jesus. Please get away from him. He's horrible.

SCOTT - gently does it. OP has only today begun to question aspects of her relationship; it's a shock and it will take time to process.

I see a really caring and perceptive woman who has the wits to figure out for herself what she wants and what she needs to do. But it's a tough time and I'm sure she's feeling very vulnerable right now. Putting the boot in is harsh and unlikely to help.

Well of course she behaves like a brat to him - he has been a piece of shit for a father. Not very impressive that he fucks off when she is little, is now estranged and it is now her fault?

Nice, really nice. I would be expecting history to repeat itself quite frankly.

I sometimes wonder if schools should teach young girls the signs of emotional and verbal abuse since it is so widespread. There is already a compulsory subject it would fit into (PSHE).

I hope you have now seen the light that this is not banter you are describing. You are probably right that he is threatened by your intelligence and probably calls you stupid so you don't question yourself on why you are with someone who is obviously not good enough for you. I just wonder, and I mean no disrespect by asking this, but do you see your relationship bringing you fulfilment when you don't consider him your intellectual equal? I've been there, and I remember the embarrassment I would feel when my ex would go off in a racist rant that was factually inaccurate and made him look like an idiot (and in turn me for being with him) to everyone else who had an average IQ or higher. Even worse was the constant dumbing down of conversations and the feeling the need to just smile and nod when he said something stupid as I knew the reasoned argument that would show an alternate view would be countered with a blank look, a couple of swear words and an insult.

As for your DP not expecting you to pick up the slack when LO arrives - words are free. If you want to make sure that at least for a few weeks you are given time to recharge get him to commit to a cleaner for a few weeks. My house looked like a bomb had hit it for the first 8 weeks of DD life and now at 18weeks it is only slightly better. Thing is, OH and I are OK living like this (for now) as it drives me mad more than it does him.

[sigh] my posts are always too long... anyway, let me just finish by saying that you ARE too good for him, you CAN get better even with a baby you will not be alone forever without him. I hope that thought is empowering for you so that you remember if he continues with this behaviour that you have options.

I feel so sorry for you, here is a man with more red flags than a communist party rally and it's come to you at such a vulnerable time.

I'm sure you are going to make a happy life for your child, don't feel hopeless.

If you can get to some group work/personal development courses on self-esteem and assertiveness, it might really help you. Group work is scary but so helpful to learn through.

Hpon, I think you've got loads to think about now. If I were you I'd step away from this thread for a bit and just let it all settle in your mind.

I think you may be conditioned to repeat the patterns you've 'learnt' from your upbringing but, as you know, you are intelligent, capable and perceptive. You will be one of the ones that will work things out and gain confidence and self-esteem as you become older and become a mum. Some don't - they remain downtrodden people pleasers for life. I don't think that's you though. But you need time now to digest this and think things through for yourself. These things have their own timetable.

Sigh. I had a lengthy post that got eaten up sometime between writing it and previewing it. But it has all been covered (and then some) in the last few posts anyway.

I'm beginning to feel sorry for your DH! He's been such a jerk in how he has treated people and now it is coming back to bite him on the butt!

The important thing is not to let your unborn DC follow in the pattern of his/her parents and grandparents.
You are the one who can change it by breaking the pattern.
If you stay you need to change the way things are. DCs unconsciously take in what they experience.

When I was pregnant I had all the concerns that you do about LO picking up on DPs racism and sexism. Honestly it could have been me writing all this.

But there was so much else that I ignored and I had this unwaivering faith that everything would just be fine. It wasn't. The last 3 years have been a total nightmare and its been even worse since I left him.

ABUSIVE MEN GET A MILLION TIMES WORSE WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD!!!

I doubt he wouls have lost contact if those children of his if they were boys. He sees women as second class citizens even when they're children. I've only just realised that this is how my ex views things as one's normal rational brain can't compute how anyone could actually think this. But they do.

You're married atm and if it was me knowing what I know now, I would divorce him and not put him on the birth cerfificate. x

yep--im with babyhammock. If Id have known I would have left when I was pregnant

bejeezus, if only eh :( x

I have a hunch that your pregnancy could be a reason why you are beginning to question your relationship now.

You have stated several times that being pregnant makes you want to stay and work things out with the child's father, but I think that in your gut being pregnant is what is making you question your husband's worth; the worth of keeping him in yours and your child's life.

As a self-deprecating person, you were perhaps not willing to protect yourself from disrespect in the last 10 years, but you are inclined to protect another person: your unborn child.

Hold on to that protective instinct.

Oh honey! You poor thing he sounds horrible. Your confidence must be rock bottom. Even if you brush off what he says (or think you do) this stuff sinks in. Most people I think get more confident and self assured as they get older but you haven't because of him. He is holding you back in your personal development (sorry that sounds wanky).

I think everyone else has said it all. There isn't a single person that I can see on here who thinks he is nice.

When I was pregnant with my first baby I needed to change. I swore all the time just in normal talking (not even anger), it was a habit. I tried really hard and did it! Now I only swear through anger sometimes which is a huge improvement for me and it's meant that a swear word has never passed my childrens lips. If he wanted to change the insult thing he could, he's choosing not to.

That's only one part of it though, there are so many reasons why he is bad for you. He's a wanker!

Oh I was also going to say that counselling is a good idea as would be assertiveness classes. That would help you in so many areas of your life. I have had counselling and I couldn't see at first how it was going to work but it sows seeds and suddenly some time later you realise you have changed. It makes you see that you deserve to be treated well and you find yourself not taking it anymore.

If you are going to change things then you need to start with completely refusing to accept any behaviour like that from your DH or from his friend. A zero tolerance approach. Every single time (even if you're out with the friend) say that you won't be spoken to like that. If your DH doesn't stick up for you then so be it. Get up and walk out (you could invite the other wife to go with you). You don't have to take it.

This you will probably find easier once you've started counselling and assertiveness classes if that's what you choose to do.