Motherless mothers

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

By that I mean those of us who lost our mothers before becoming mothers ourselves.

I've recently started reading the book by Hope Edelman and was just looking for other peoples' perspectives and experiences.

I lost my mother when I was 5 and have basically allowed that loss to define me throughout my life. Now I have a 15mo DD of my own and I've recently separated from her father. I'm at a strange point where I don't know how to define myself: a child who lost her mother, a soon-to-be-divorcee or a single mother. (Maybe I shouldn't try to define myself so strictly, but that's a whole other thread).

I've only read the introduction to the book so far and feel like I identify with some of what she is saying. There have been times when I've thought "oh but I don't do that" and wonder if there's something wrong with me that I don't fit this mould of motherless mothers. She talks about women being preoccupied with the idea that they might die early and leave their children motherless. I confess to not being so worried about that but more worried that I will lose my daughter. I suppose a more selfish version of the fear of loss.

Anyway, I won't ramble too much now. (I've got plenty more I can say on the subject!). For now I just wondered if anyone was up for a bit of a support thread on the subject or just a chance to share experiences and/or wisdom!

My birthmother asked me to leave when I was 13, I went on to live with my sister who was only 20 at the time and had time for mothering

I had to sort everything out myself it completely ruined my relationship with my sister who began to see me as a burden and couldn't understand why I couldn't sort everything out myself

When I had my own child their are days when I wanted so much to talk to my mum

I am in my 30s and I haven't seen her since the day she asked me to leave

And when dd asks why he has no grand mother I have no answer

Mil has issues with me and is not keen on dd

I'm sat with tears streaming down my face reading this thread. I lost my mom on new years day. 6 weeks after we buried her i found i was pregnant (due in 9 weeks) and i got married in june this year. I havent spoken to my father in 17 years and am an only child. I also moved right across the country so myself and DH could be together full time with baby. I cant tell you the number of times i've burst into tears when looking at other moms to be with their moms (john lewis struck a chord but also the waiting room at the hospital, just out and about, in the park etc). Ive never felt more alone in the world and yes, what little family i have (and none in this country) has also imploded. She so desperately wanted to be a grandmother and i am wracked with guilt that i couldnt give her that before she died. I do however, know that im having a little girl and she left us with 2 beautiful names, along with my moms moms name so i know she will be with us in spirit. Whoever said about the gravy (!) i completely empathise. We had 6 months in which she was terminally ill to say goodbye and i thought we had said everything we could but now it turns out not so much...every day now i have questions for her and there are no answers ...im rambling but wanted to say thank you to the OP for making me realise im not alone.

lktoday your post reminded me that my dad died on new year's eve, for years after when I was thinking about new year and what I'd done on a particular year that one was always a blank until I suddenly remembered, if that makes sense. I'm an only child too, as rotten as it all is you're definitely not alone.

Hugs to all
Another motherless mother, my mum died when I was 20. 16 years ago. She missed all my siblings weddings and all the GC. My dad didn't cope/has not coped, jumping from one woman to the next. He has no real relationship with us or his GC although thinks he does.
I kiss and cuddle my two dc every day, tell them i love them at every chance. I cannot remember either parent telling me that they loved me
My dp has never told me that he loves me (we have been together for ten years )
I find it hard to show him emotion and perhaps it comes from the lack of it in my childhood but I am adamant my boys will know they are loved even if I feel I am not.
I read the book many years ago, must find a copy of it. Just remember crying and crying everytime time I read it.
I too missed sharing with my mum all thing about my pregnancies and raising my babies. Not close to Mil which is a shame.
I feel sad that I don't always think of my mum, must put up some photos of her to share with my boys.
To be honest I would love to have a girl, I would name her after my mum.
Off to dry my tears

This is really quite a moving thread. I have never really thought too much about being a motherless mother, I suppose. My mother died when I was five, father was never in evidence and I was brought up by my grandparents. They were wonderful people but from an undemonstrative and reserved culture, and from an early age I have consciously tried to be more open about emotions than they felt able to be.

My grandparents died when I was in my late 20s and I had my DS at 32. Although I do have memories of my mother, it is my grandparents that I think about when I am wishing that DS could have known them.

At a certain level, I feel that I haven't been able to learn 'how to be a mum', in the way that friends seem to have learned from their mothers, IYSWIM. I suspect that having a son has been easier than having a daughter would have been - it's irrational and I can't explain it, but the idea of having a daughter somehow made me feel more pressure to play a role and worried that I would get it wrong. DH is amazing, as are ILs, although they don't live nearby, so that's the main thing.

In the last few years, I have been aware of having passed the age which my own mother reached. I look a lot like her and people sometimes mix up photographs - strange having DS point at pictures of my mum and say "Mummy!" nonetheless. Now at 35 I'm five years older than she was, so I can only speculate as to whether she would have been similiarly blessed with lots of white hairs...

Wow - stumbled across this thread and its amazing how a group of strangers know me better than anyone in RL ever could.
I am a motherless mother. My mum died when I was 4. I was passed to relatives before returning to my father when he re-married. Had a very troubled relationship with step-mother and left home as soon as I could.
I was 41 before I had my DD and she will be an only child (not through choice).

I don't know how to be a mother to her. I still (4yrs later) don't feel fully bonded with her. I have never had a nurturing, female role model so don't know how I should be acting. It doesn't come naturally to me. I am so sad about this, but am trying my hardest to act the part so that no-one suspects.
I am envious beyond belief of all those mums who still have their mothers to share their childrens' upbringing with. Memories of happy mother/child relationships - what I wouldn't give for that.
I have heard of the book mentioned in the OP's first post but avoided reading it in case it brings all the emotions to the top and I can't surpress them again. Do any of you who have read it recommend? Did it do you good to read it or did it tear open old scars?

What a wonderful thread. Like so many others I have sat here crying. I lost my mum when I was 29. I didnt have my first child until 4 years later. There is not a single day that goes by that I dont question - 'what would she do in this situation' or 'how would she have dealt with that tantrum!'

I am so sad that my children will never know her. I do talk about her to them but its not the same. Also because I have no other family around its hard as the kids are just getting my perspective.

I often feel envious of friends who have their mums at the end of a phone at any time and I get really angry with them for taking their mums for granted.

I think to be a motherless mother totally changes your perspective on motherhood. It did for me. In most situations I find myself thinking - what memory does this create for my kids after Im gone. A bit morbid perhaps but I want them to remember me like I remember my mum.
I know I would be a different person now if my mum were here - not sure if that makes sense.

Dear fellow motherless mothers, I know this is a very old thread but I've been reading all of your stories and wondered if anyone would like to be apart of a special project I'm working on? Please see below.

Calling All Motherless Mothers: Share Your Story

Dear All,

As a motherless mother myself and a Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist, I am embarking on a deeply personal and meaningful journey to collect stories from fellow motherless mothers for an upcoming project.

If you have experienced the loss of your mother, whether through death or strained relationships, and are navigating the complexities of motherhood without her guidance, I would be honoured to hear your story. Your experiences, insights, and resilience are invaluable and have the power to offer solace and connection to others who walk a similar path.

Please feel free to reach out to me directly to learn more about this project. Your confidentiality and privacy will be respected, and your words will be handled with the utmost care and sensitivity.

With heartfelt gratitude.