Motherless mothers

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

By that I mean those of us who lost our mothers before becoming mothers ourselves.

I've recently started reading the book by Hope Edelman and was just looking for other peoples' perspectives and experiences.

I lost my mother when I was 5 and have basically allowed that loss to define me throughout my life. Now I have a 15mo DD of my own and I've recently separated from her father. I'm at a strange point where I don't know how to define myself: a child who lost her mother, a soon-to-be-divorcee or a single mother. (Maybe I shouldn't try to define myself so strictly, but that's a whole other thread).

I've only read the introduction to the book so far and feel like I identify with some of what she is saying. There have been times when I've thought "oh but I don't do that" and wonder if there's something wrong with me that I don't fit this mould of motherless mothers. She talks about women being preoccupied with the idea that they might die early and leave their children motherless. I confess to not being so worried about that but more worried that I will lose my daughter. I suppose a more selfish version of the fear of loss.

Anyway, I won't ramble too much now. (I've got plenty more I can say on the subject!). For now I just wondered if anyone was up for a bit of a support thread on the subject or just a chance to share experiences and/or wisdom!

This has been a really interesting thread for me. I am faced with becoming a motherless mother - as my mother has a terminal disease which was diagnosed 2 months before the birth of DC1. However, 4 years later she is still reasonably well - but I fear when the end comes it will be swift and the thought of losing her fills me with dread.

I am grateful that she has met both of my DC. One of my 'arguments' for not having more children is that she may not meet them. I am desperate for them to be old enough to remember her before she dies (DC2 is only 10 months). As the eldest sibling I think I will become the 'mother' of our large family when she has gone and am trying hard to repair some relationships with some of my sibs to allow this. I make sure we spend every 'special occasion' together now - she lives 200 miles away - to the exclusion of the in-laws :( because one day there will be no chance to.

I feel that all of this is incredibly morbid and can't even tell DH. Sorry to go slightly OT but reading this thread has been quite emotional for me and I thought you might understand.

It's amazing and quite comforting to me to realise that my experiences and feelings are shared by so many others. Everyone has a different story, but there are such common threads that run through them!

Firsttimer7259 You sound like you've been through a lot. I have found it quite emotional reading through these stories, and recognising feelings that I try to ignore on a day to day basis. A section of my family imploded too (such an accurate description of what happens, isn't it?) - the loss of a parent really does have further reaching repercussions than you would initially imagine. I hope you are able to take time to focus on your own wellbeing. It's easy to forget about yourself and your own needs.

What has really struck a chord when I read all these posts is the sense of isolation that so many of us feel. I probably didn't realise it until I read Baggypussy's post, but I always play it down IRL - I don't want to my friends to feel awkward around me, but I have days where it all just overwhelms me and, like I said in my first post, I miss the family that I would have had.

I'm lucky to have the little family I have - My DH and DS are everything to me. Reading these posts has made me tearful and strengthened in equal measures. Being a motherless mother is not a club that I'd have chosen to join, but as I'm in it, it's nice to feel a little less alone :)

My mum died when I was pregnant with my first DC. As several other posters have mentioned, our whole family imploded once she was dead. 20 years later I still really miss her and often wish she were around to meet my children. I feel for my children as they don't have any extended family and so have missed out on the whole grandparent, aunt/uncles/counsins experience.

as a reply to the new territories thin, my dad did o away suddenly and unexpectedly when i was 4 and i worshipped him, and this impacted reatly on my life and opinion of myself and relationship with my mother, and as my dd1 is now 4 i feel in unchatered territories, like this is the opportunity to make it riht...

I recognise much of this. I lost my beloved mother when I was 34 and it's taken me 15 years to get over it. She Knew our first son, he was only ten months old when she died. But I can remember he let out an enormous fart at the breakfast table when my parents were staying and they both dissolved into hysterical laughter. Within 6 weeks she was dead. She never knew 5 of her grandchildren and what's worse is that they only have our memories which we bore them with,
It was isolating, despite having 3 sisters and then a (obviously grieving) father, I was a young mother and all my friends had their mums around and I was dealing with her death.
Interestingly, not long after my mother died, my oldest sister was talking to her GP about how guilty she felt that she had had up to 12 years more of our mother than her sisters. The GP was very sympathetic replying that that it could make it worse for her. So whatever age you are when you lose a mother it's very hard.

What an interesting thread. My mum lost her mum when she was 20. I know this affected her parenting, she was often quite hard with us, and distant emotionally. For example, she has never told either of us (I have a brother) that she loves. But when my DD was born (her first grandchild) she was very emotional, and thanked me for making her a granny! She is lovely with my children, much more linked to them emotionally than she was to us. She often comments to me that she didn't have a mum around to help her when she became a mum herself and she found it hard. I feel sad for her in this regard, I wonder if our relationship would have better if she'd had her mum around.

I'm finding it really sad that a couple of you have said your relationships with your own motherless mothers have been difficult. One of my biggest fears is that I won't have a close relationship with DD. I'm scared that I'll smother her with love because I'm so determined to have my idea of a perfect mother-daughter relationship. I don't know what that looks like. I have no idea what mothers and daughters do together or talk about and that really scares me.

My biggest comfort is that my wonderful sister also has a daughter so we'll sort of explore it together.

What a moving and interesting thread.

All the stories on here are very moving, and it's interesting to feel that I'm not the 'only one' who has experienced this loss.

My mum died suddenly when I was 22. I had just given birth to my son, my first child, and my mum came up to visit me and we spent probably the best days together that we ever had. I treasure the thought of those days, and she was able to meet my tiny baby son. She was so happy to meet him, she loved him. I'm so glad that she did.
I really missed my mum when I went on to have my daughter two years later.

My dad had died when I was 15, so I was parentless while I was bringing my two small children up. I think having lost my parents young contributed to the post-natal depression that I experienced. I've always been so sad that neither my mum or my dad have been able to know their grandchildren as they would have loved them so much and be so proud of the lovely young adults that they've grown into, and it is such a shame that my children could not know their grandparents.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express my feelings on this.

I so relate to the 'loss of innocence' thing - I didn't really believe that DS1 would actually LIVE, would actually be OK! I was also definitely a lot less relaxed than friends who have never lost anyone - I see dangers that they dismiss (for example a friend put her toddler down to wander around the other day when we were standing next to a road (a rural road) with a parked car which meant anything oncoming would not see her and I couldn't concentrate on the conversation, i was just thinking 'look for cars, look where she is' over and over again!).

I really annoy DH by insisting we have life insurance and by working out what would happen. I've upset him in the past by talking about what we'll do if one of his parents dies, could the other one live with us, etc - he says he doesn't want to think of it, and I've had other friends react like this too - it makes me feel like I'm a bit of an old eyore (I'm really not!) but I've begun to realise that to some people, losing someone is just an idea, not a reality...

Your mother is such an important part of you. It's so unfair that some are taken so young!!

Wow this is an amazing thread. I lost my mum at 13. I can honestly say my family fell apart. I have contact with my dad and brother but we're not close. I realised not that long ago that I'm trying to be everything I didn't have for my DC's. Every day I miss her I'm 37 now. I wish she could have met my amazing dc's.I have so many questions how was mine and my brothers birth , how much did I weigh things my dad just can't remember.
I'm so jealous of other people's relationships with there mums.

Anothermum- thanks for the thought. It's good to know that someone does genuinely understand that situation.

Knitknack- I'm exactly the same re life insurance, making sure plans are in place for worst case scenarios etc...and I often get the same reactions from friends & family etc. I'm not a misery- it's just that when you have lost someone so young, you become only too well aware of the consequences for others.

my mum dies when i was 10 my dad when i was 19,still find it hard when i look at my kids and see what they are missing out on :( and having a mum to chat too

My mum died when I was a baby. I never felt that I missed her really, until I became pregnant. That was the loneliest time of my life (father has dementia).

I am more confident as a mum now ,but the baby stage was really hard for me.

Thank you so much for this thread. I am not alone!

I lost my mother when I was 25 (DS 23, DB 18) after a long battle with alcoholism. Before alcohol got hold of my mother, we were an incredibly close family. I remember going on holiday with friends when I was 18 and I panged for my mum to be there, I was always ringing her, I cried because I missed her so much. We were very close.

Now I am a mother (ds 11 months) there is not a day that passes that I do not think of my mother. I have SO many questions that I will never know the answer to... did she breastfeed me? how did she cope with the early months? when she start weaning me? etc, etc, etc the list goes on and on. But I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will never ever know the answers to these questions (my DF died December 2009 before I knew I was pregnant).

It is tough though, my DS suffered an accident on Monday evening (first time on internet since then and I can't talk about it yet really. He is ok, we are very worried about full recovery of his eyesight but very optimistic). Anyway, I was so desperate for my mother. Oddly enough, when the paramedic asked for my name, I went to say my mother's name. No idea where that came from.

To all the other posters on this thread that have lost their mothers, I do not know you but I feel desperately for you.

DandyGilver, you are really in my thoughts. My father also suffered dementia and passed away in Dec 2009 and it is so cruel and lonely. We have our babies and I have no intention of going anywhere until they are well into middle age or beyond!

I started a thread last night as it would have been my mum's 60th birthday yesterday. She died in July 1973, aged 21. I find all very hard to get my head around. But like most of you, I missed her so much more when I had a child of my own. My sister has struggled a lot with it, though she doesn;t even have any memories of her.

great thread. thank you. the first on MN that seriously applies to me.

my mum died 10 years ago, when i was 29. it was an accident. she and dad were staying at friends and she got up in night to go to the loo and fell downstairs. serious head injury. i got a call at 6am from dad saying to come up to hospital as she was going to die. she died at 3.05pm that monday, surrounded by her family.

i have met the love of my life, got married and had 2 DC since then, first by IVF. so much has gone on since she died and it was hard without her but it really, really kicked in after kids were born. they are, my miles, my proudest achievement and i really, really wish she could have met them. my dad is wonderful with them too, which helps greatly, but i just realise there is so muc h she could have shared with me.

We had a slightly difficult relationship during my teens and early twenties and we were really beginning to get it together. i remember my last ever hug with her (not knowing it of course) so well - we had had a girly night in london and gone to see mama mia (with my aunt/cousins etc). when she left the next morning she was just buzzing - we had all had such a laugh. fabulous.

it is a pain that only those who are going through it too would understand. the ironic thing is that my mother went through it when she was my age, and her mother was the age my mother was when she died (58). that makes me doubly sad as it makes me realise the pain my mother went through too (before i was born)

thank you for listening.

Happy it's amazing that you've got such a happy memory of the last time you were with your mum. I often wonder what our last day together was like and whether she tucked me in before going out the night she died.

I've just realised I hate the idea of going out in the evening and leaving DD. I've only done it once in 15 months and although I was really excited about the party I was going to I felt awful leaving her. I wonder if that's connected to losing my mother.

MN amazes me sometimes - there is often just the right thread at the moment you need it most. Thank you OP for starting it.

My mum died when I was 9 and this last year has been a hard one at times since my only dd is now 9. But my dd turns 10 tomorrow - an age where I didnt have a mum and I feel woefully unprepared to deal with the next few years of dd's life. But I am also so pleased that I'm still here - it breaks my heart to imagine dd (and my ds's) being left without a mother.

I have the "motherless mothers" book - think i'll have to dig it out tomorrow to get me through what feels like a very emotional birthday.

Im another motherless mother... my mum died when I was 29 unexpectedly, although she had been ill but didn't tell anyone, we went home for Christmas, as we live 300 odd miles away we alternate years so had had Christmas with my pil, arrived at my parents boxing day late on, had half a day with her, sat down for dinner, she didn't look well so took herself off to bed, I popped up to see she was ok, and she had died, my DH managed to resuscitate her, but she had brain damage and died on new years eve at the strokes of the new year to a backdrop of fireworks, haunts me, we had spent days sleeping on the floor of the family room, hoping and praying, she died on my youngest brothers birthday, he was 21.

I married my DH 2 years later, she never knew we would marry, I went wedding dress shopping alone as I couldn't do it with anyone but my mum, my friends didn't understand this, and last year I had my DD, and 4 years on I still find myself crying uncontrollabley at times!

Since my daughter, I realise how much my mum did for us without thinking of herself, my parents struggled financially, and when I think how easy I have it in comparison it cuts derp what she must have gone through for us, I also feel angry when I hear friends whinging about their Mums, and the amount of women i saw out and about with their Mums when shopping etc, it just feels so unfair, I don't think I think the same way as my friends with their Mums any more, it does leave you feeling pretty alone, even when your not.

What I would do for just one day with her to meet my baby!

Feel at home here. My mum died seen years ago, my dad died six months later. Like many others, the family went into what DP has described as 'freefall'. We were rudderless and then rootless after the sale of the family home. We are still a bit dysfunctional now. Met DP , had Dd and now expecting my second. I'm the same age as my mum when she had me (43). I do worry I'll leave DD and DC2 sooner than I'd like by being an older mother.

I wish I'd asked so many questions, got her stories about becoming a mother, how she coped (she bought twins home when she had three pre-schhol at home). BUT she is my inspiration - I think of her everyday, and when I'm having a bad day, I think of her and how hard she worked for us. But, how I miss her, am welling up just thinking so much (miss dad too of course) and just want a hug from her, to feel her arms around me again.

DP has lost both his parents too, we both envy others with parents alive (and grandparents too!) and regret that DCs don't have any grandparents.
I had not heard of the book, but it sounds interesting, I will look into buying it. Thank you for starting the thread OP, and others for sharing.

Just marking my place here as I need to go to bed so haven't got time to read the whole thread. I'm also a motherless mum and am interested to hear others experiences. Will be back in te morning.

Leo that is so poignant, the remark about your last meeting with your Mum. The reason I remember mine so vividly is that she lived 400 miles away so I could clearly remember the last visit. Sadly I also remember our last phone call, the night before she died; I was v pissed and was half watching the first celebrity big brother. That kills me.

Suspect your worry about leaving your daughter is totally related. I hate saying goodbye yo my husband in the morning, and when he takes my two wee boys out, whilst it's nice to have a bit of time to myself, I cannot relax until they are home. I am acutely aware that anytime could be the last time.

Oh I'm getting too morbid. Sorry. But again, thank you for starting this thread.

A hug, what we would all do for that... that is what I always tell my friends, hug their Mums while they can, that overwhelming feeling of inner strength, warmth and undying love when she held you and nuzzled your headndying love you got from your mum when she held you, bliss