Motherless mothers

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

By that I mean those of us who lost our mothers before becoming mothers ourselves.

I've recently started reading the book by Hope Edelman and was just looking for other peoples' perspectives and experiences.

I lost my mother when I was 5 and have basically allowed that loss to define me throughout my life. Now I have a 15mo DD of my own and I've recently separated from her father. I'm at a strange point where I don't know how to define myself: a child who lost her mother, a soon-to-be-divorcee or a single mother. (Maybe I shouldn't try to define myself so strictly, but that's a whole other thread).

I've only read the introduction to the book so far and feel like I identify with some of what she is saying. There have been times when I've thought "oh but I don't do that" and wonder if there's something wrong with me that I don't fit this mould of motherless mothers. She talks about women being preoccupied with the idea that they might die early and leave their children motherless. I confess to not being so worried about that but more worried that I will lose my daughter. I suppose a more selfish version of the fear of loss.

Anyway, I won't ramble too much now. (I've got plenty more I can say on the subject!). For now I just wondered if anyone was up for a bit of a support thread on the subject or just a chance to share experiences and/or wisdom!

Just marking my space too as also need to sleep. I am a motherless mother pregnant with dc2. Have lots to say so will be back to read and post tomorrow.

Nailak, I know what you mean. My mother fed and clothed me, but like you say, there was something missing. I feel like I have never had a mother. Mine was more like a housekeeper who also looked after me but didn't actually care about me.

It's very hard now I have my own DC's. I have no example to follow and I also realise how much I missed out on when I was a child.

I lost my mum when I was 33, 18 months before DS came along. we were very, very close and I miss her terribly and know she would have been the most wonderful, doting grandmother, and so many times I've reached for the phone to ask her advice or tell her about some new achievement he's made, or longed for her to be there to watch him for an hour or come shopping with us or do all the normal 'nan' things, especially given that his other grandparents live five hours away. Seeing DS (now 4) develop a fun and loving relationship with my dad is bittersweet for us both - we catch each other's eye sometimes and know we're both thinking 'She'd have loved this!' or 'She'd have been horrified by this!' but mostly just 'She should be here.' Having DS has made me love and appreciate her so much more - I realise now how hard it must have been for her and all the lovely little things she did for me every day.

I talk about her with DS a lot and he asks me regularly why she died, but I'm trying not to make her absence into too big a 'thing' for him. My mum lost her own mum when she was 6, and in many ways that defined her, and certainly shaped her mothering of me. Many a childhood/teenage shouting match ended with 'You ought to be glad you've still got a mother' or 'You'll remember this when I'm gone' - that looks awful in black and white and she only ever said it in the heat of the moment (and I was not a nice person as a teenager and she was an older mum, 47 when I was born, so I can't blame her for being at her wits' end sometimes). I really don't want this spectre of motherlessness between DS and me, although it's hard to strike a balance because I desperately want him to know all about her and how fabulous and kind and funny and loving she was. He looks a lot like her, and loves looking at a photo of me sitting with her arm around me, aged about 4 and with exactly the same hair that he has now - when he first saw it he thought it was a photo of him with my mum, and he's fascinated by it. He can't quite grasp why he's never met her - he does understand death, to the extent that any four-year-old can, but he still gets excited if I buy flowers for her grave and asks if we're going to meet her :(

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a ramble. It's something that plays on my mind a lot, though, so thanks for giving me somewhere to get it out!

I don't remember my last time with my mum at all. I think the rest of the family tried to shelter us from "unpleasantness". I don't know to this day where she died, and I only found out very recently what happened to her ashes.

My experience has led me to deal with these things very differently with my dd. I am very open about stuff, but at level she can understand. My aunt died last year and my GM was most insistant that dd did not attend the funeral. She had lots of questions. My BiL died this year and we took her. She was fine. More curious than upset, though she loved her uncle.

I'm sure I can't be alone at being bemused by the level of hatrred on some threads about mothers and MILs. Fair enough, some are truly toxic, but I would LOVE to have my mother here, annoying or not.

I do feel that not having my mother and a very distant step mother really affects my relationships with other women.

Iamususually, now hugs.....you know what, I don't do this enough with my dd. I never had it growing up, I don't do it now. It's a bit like I don't know what proper mothers do. I run round worrying whether she ate enough fruit and vegetables, whether I have enough change for the school trip, whether she needs to go in the bath tonight. I never sit and cuddle. Dh does. I have rarely done it since she was tiny. I should - before it is too late.

I did't really like my mother much and when she died, when I was 29, I didn't really miss her. That sounds so heartless but she wasn't very nice.
I would have liked to have been able to ask her about her pregnancy and delivery and was, embarrassed..., when MWs asked me questions about maternal history.
I didn't like my dad much either but he is a totally different person with grandchildren - I like him NOW, I look forward to our developing relationship and enjoy seeing his pleasure in his GKids. I now wonder whether things might have been better with my mum had she lived to meet her grandchildren and that makes me sad.
Examination of my history suggests that she and her own mother both had PND, as I have had. I am more sympathetic to her and would have liked to be able to talk about this and maybe have a more forgiving adult relationship with her. I am afraid that my parenting style is distant and not as cuddly as it should be because that is what I know. Thankfully my DH is very emotional and warm and provides lots of cuddles. I know that my, most gorgeous PFB, would have benefited from a relationship with her.

My mother died suddenly 9 months before my first child was born, when I was 24. We had a difficult relationship and I have always felt that would have improved when I was a mother myself. I'll never know though. No father to speak of either.

I don't so much worry about dying and leaving my sons behind, more that I feel certain that I won't see them be parents themselves, as if its a fact.

My mum died when I was 3 and although my dad remarried (when I was 5) I never had a good relationship with my stepmother and felt motherless as a child. I try my best to be affectionate, loving and tactile with my own daughters because that was really lacking on my childhood (my dad is a typical British man of his generation and not very demonstrative). But I really related to tge poster who said something was missing with her mum because she didn't know instinctively how to feel or behave. That's how I feel. I don't know what mums do. I don't know how I'm supposed to act and what a mother daughter relationship is supposed to be like. I really worry that this will affect my daughters.

My Mum died suddenly 3 years ago, inbetween DS1 and DS2 being born. She was the absolute centre of our family and it fell apart to an extent when she died. I miss her involvement in our lives and regret that DS2 will never meet her.

What I wouldn't give to be held by her once more and have my hair stroked.

eandz definitely I find it also very difficult to relate to women after being brought up by my dad with my brother. Its amazing how many families have imploded after the death of their mother, mine did.

I dread not seeing my DC grow up they are only tiny but I am only 2 years away from the age which my mother died.

Anybody else obsessed by healthy eating and lifestyle as my mother died of cancer, probably didn't help that she smoked and I try to do as much as possible to minimise the risk and feel guilty when I eat chagrilled food and too much wine!

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. It makes me feel better to not be alone and to have my feelings sort of validated. I have trouble with feelings-identifying them and expressing them and sometimes even having them at all.

I did not have a good relationship with my mother (alcohol and bipolar) so I identify most with nailik, thermoflask, and lalalahahaha's posts describing an absence of nurturing and guidance even though I was housed, clothed, and given something to do.

She died on the Good Friday of 1980, the beginning of Spring Break, of my senior year of high school-I was 18, she was 54. Her death was sudden, even though she had had a heart attack the previous year.

As I was an 'invisible child' to her, I doubt we ever bonded and I had trouble grieving for her.

Ds was born in 1992, but it wasn't until dd was born in '94 that I really felt the void of the connection with 'my' mother. Thinking of it now...there never was a connection really...so the fact that she was deceased perhaps just erased any hope I might have had. Perhaps my grieving at that time was for missing not having been mothered, rather than for mother, iyswim. The mother/daughter connection for me (daughter) was so off that I was at a total loss for a compass bearing for my connection with my dd.

I respect my dc. The book "How to Listen to your child so they will talk and how to talk so they will listen" (or something like that ) helped me a great deal.

The lack of guidance and nurturing has affected me the most though. I have no close (or even not so close) female friends (don't much care about lack of male friends as I have dh ). Just the nodding acquaintances of the parents of dc's friends at school functions. I don't know how to be a friend. I am socially ackward and have come to just accept my role as a misfit.

It is comforting to know there are so many of us out there. I was recommended the Motherless Mothers book but something stops me from reading it - despite announcing it was time to start confronting my demons when I was having a bit of a moment a few months ago (reaching the age - 45 - that my mother was when she died). I must do so - it just seems scary.

What I keep coming back to, and what keeps giving me comfort, is how much of my parents I see in my DCs. I look just like my mother did (small, dark) - while DD is Amazonian and blonde. But she is so like my mother: clever, quick, argumentative, fiery, prone to depression. I can't decide if they would have got on or not but she's a daily reminder that my mother is still very much around.

Hassled, I never thought before to think whether my dd resembled my mother - but she does, a lot, in the photos I have. She is also very spirited and hates having her hair brushed - one of the few (negative-ish) comments my nan ever makes. It also occurred to me that I am TWICE the age my mother lived to. How weird.

It must be very strange to be older though and reach that "magic" age. I had no responsibilities and no thoughts of death at 21. I doubt the fact that I outlived my mother even occurred to me then. I have more aches and pains now and worry unduly about which dread disease might come along to kill me off.

On death caculations:
I was 18 when mother died at the age of 54.
Advance 18 years to the age of 36- my father passes.
Add 18 more years, I will be 54-mother's age at death.
I will be 50 at my next bd; so no worries for a while.

When I am 54, my dc will be ds-23, dd1-21, dd2-7.

I got to keep it going for dd2, don't I?

I have never been a runner/jogger but I am going to start the C25K program when she enters preschool in Sept.

Hi browneyes it was your post that stood out for me, so interesting you commented specifically to me. I think we have quite a similar experience. In some ways its the family implosion that is the bigger trauma. I expected my mother to die before old age since my teens. In that sense it wasnt a shock. What happened after has rendered me speechless. Everything I thought I knew about my family turned upside down.

At the moment I think I am a little lost in amongst my H's family. They are 'nicer' than my lot. But sadly I am not 'at home' there. Same with my daughter now. I find it hard to make a home for us. I want things different from my family having realised very painfully what a charade some of it was. (Maybe taking to my mother would allow me to disentangle it a bit more. At the moment I seem to have either suspended everything or rejected it all.) So somehow I dont know how to be. I try to be a bit like my in laws I guess, but its not me and I tend to fail or feel angry about it.

Christ, just wrote a long emotional post and have somehow lost it, grr. Probably just as well as I think it was a bit rambling.

There are so many things on here that have struck a chord with me. The breakdown of the family, I have a large number of siblings but we`ve just drifted so far apart and some of us just have hardly any contact at all. I think there is so much bitterness between us over my parents death, we cannot get past it. 16 years on and I still feel anger for my mum (but not so much my father - why) for leaving me, she would have adored my children and my daughter is so like her. I get resentful of friends, to the degree that I back off from many people because they constantly go on about how their mums help them, childmind, babysit etc etc....

I found the run up to my wedding really emotional and felt really silly bursting into tears so often. I find that its better to push my feelings into some sort of box and firmly shut the lid rather than think about it all to much. I always think that although Im very happy now with my husband and children I`ll never be 100% happy as there will always be something missing, can anyone identify with that?

Im tempted to buy that book so many of you have read, but am terrified that I wont be able to cope with my feelings, or would it be better to try and confront them? mmm it would be nice to just have postive happy thoughts about my mum, instead of the bitterness that I always seem to come back to.

I hope this thread keeps going, I feel Im rambling on, but as I said in an early post its just nice to have somewhere to put my feelings down maybe amongst people who understand. Might have to ramble to you all again, theres so much to write down.

Hey boohoo so much the same as you too. Particularly the feeling that there is always something missing. You say you keep your emotions locked away as a result. I think I do the same but wanted to ask whether you then find it difficult to access your emotions more generally. I find that its difficult to function on an emotional level as there is this huge lump of sadness (and anger) in the way. Do you get this?

Hi firstimer, I find friendships very very difficult, I was in my twenties when my parents died and I found it very difficult to relate to friends and them to me. It's interesting because I hid emotions to my siblings and friends but was also open and honest to my daughter (although she was only eighteen months old at the time). I don't think I hugged anyone or anyone hugged me for many many years until I met my husband. I was honest with him from the start about my emotions and he has filled an emotional hole for me. I did/do make an concious effort with my children to be demonstrative as I know that I have scrutinised every hug and kiss from my mother and want to make sure that my children don't have to analyse me so much when I'm gone, does that make any sense?

For years I've put on a face for everyone/smiling when I'm meant to, pretending their comments don't hurt when they constantly go on about their own mothers, whilst containing a bitterness (almost hatered) inside, I know thats not healthy. I think in short I am emotionally quite cold, I can walk away from friends and my siblings quite easily, but cling to my children and husband.

Mine died 2 days before my first baby was born. I spent the first few years in complete shock. Think I still am actually.

So much of what I have read here strikes a chord with me. So many sad stories and I am sorry to those of you who never had good relationships with their mums; at least I had that.

My mum died suddenly and very unexpectedly when I was 21. I have a 19mo DD and am pregnant with dc2. I have the fear that I will die young (mum was 48) and with my family history it is a very real possibility. Knowing how hard I have found it makes it worse; I can't the bear the thought of DD suffering.

I also feel that something is missing boohoo and also hide my feelings. I do talk about my mum; just not about how it feels to live without her. It is hard though because everyone things you should 'be over it' by now.

I can't say our family imploded but her death changed things; it was like she was the glue and without her we have drifted apart. My dad has remarried and sees a lot of his step-grandchildren, just not so much of his own. This is what I find hardest to deal with. She would have loved being a grandma -I would probably be on here whinging about her! My dc and my nieces will miss out on so much by her not being here.

It is the eleventh anniversary of her death tomorrow so I am feeling it more at the minute.

Pdog, will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Yes, the 'your over it now', as if we ever forget, or even get over it. We learn how to live with it.

The "something missing" thing really resonates with me. If I think about it, there is also is a constant fear that anything I love will be taken from me, so I hold myself back somewhat. I think I did/do this with dd sadly. Almost like I don't dare 100% become besotted. I had a traumatic birth too so I have no clue if that is the reason for it.

PDog, my mum died 38 years ago. I never forget, though it has become a date rather than a real emotional thing. But then, in my case I never really knew her, so it is different. My aunt died last year, and I know full well how hard my cousins have taken that. My nan, who is 83 next week, carries the weight that she lost 2 children before her. I don't think the pain ever goes away.

browneyes - your post rang true with me, too.

My mother's death broke up the family, really. My father was already dead. My sisters cleaved to their own families and I don't have much contact any more.

I sometimes feel very sad that my dcs don't have any extended family. The pil are very self-centred and I honestly don't think would recognise dd in a line-up of 7-year-olds. Dh's brothers have rather controlling wives who stick to their own families.

I remember when I was pregnant with dd noticing that all the other women in the John Lewis baby department had their mothers with them, all doing the proud granny-to-be act, and I suddenly burst into tears and blindly fled.