Motherless mothers

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

By that I mean those of us who lost our mothers before becoming mothers ourselves.

I've recently started reading the book by Hope Edelman and was just looking for other peoples' perspectives and experiences.

I lost my mother when I was 5 and have basically allowed that loss to define me throughout my life. Now I have a 15mo DD of my own and I've recently separated from her father. I'm at a strange point where I don't know how to define myself: a child who lost her mother, a soon-to-be-divorcee or a single mother. (Maybe I shouldn't try to define myself so strictly, but that's a whole other thread).

I've only read the introduction to the book so far and feel like I identify with some of what she is saying. There have been times when I've thought "oh but I don't do that" and wonder if there's something wrong with me that I don't fit this mould of motherless mothers. She talks about women being preoccupied with the idea that they might die early and leave their children motherless. I confess to not being so worried about that but more worried that I will lose my daughter. I suppose a more selfish version of the fear of loss.

Anyway, I won't ramble too much now. (I've got plenty more I can say on the subject!). For now I just wondered if anyone was up for a bit of a support thread on the subject or just a chance to share experiences and/or wisdom!

So much of the feelings and emotions people have spoken about on this thread ring true for me. I lost my mum when I was 23 and had my first ds 3 years later. I am an only child and my dad also died when I was 10 so with my mum gone there is a feeling of loneliness that has never left me despite now being married with 2 ds. Being just the two of us meant we had a rocky relationship, especially in my teenage years but I'd recently moved out and we'd started to get on so much better and we were so close having come through a lot together.

I can totally understand the bitterness that people talk about when you hear other people talking about their mum helping out or even when they're just moaning about interfering mothers. My mum loved kids, she was a nursery teacher and it breaks my heart that she never got to meet mine as I know she would have loved them to pieces.

I have just put a brave face on things since my mum died 7 years ago as when my dad died my mum was so brave so I felt like I had to be too. I have the odd moment when I crumble and worry that I've never properly confronted it and that I might fall apart one day soon.

Thank you for this thread, its good to talk about it as my dh never knew my mum either and I don't really have anyone to share memories with anymore which I find really hard. I have ordered the book as I do worry how messed up I might be because of it and moreover not dealing with it properly.

One thing I have found is that I have a longing to have a daughter and I think part of that is to be able to have that special bond again with another female. I have 2 boys just now who I love to pieces but have got a particular pang for a girl which I hate myself for, as I've read so many times on here the heartache and problems people have conceiving at all that I know it doesn't matter and I've read all the arguments about 'its just an idealised version of a girl in your head' but I still can't chase the feeling away.

I could ramble on for ages too now I've started but I'll stop!

Anyway, thanks OP for starting this and thanks everyone else for sharing as it is nice to know others have similar feelings and emotions.

Do you know what really rankles, as well? I never asked my mum how to make proper gravy. Trivial, I know, but sometimes I'm desperate for my mum's roast dinner and neither mine nor anyone else's comes out tasting quite right.

My mum died suddenly when I was 18, nearly 30 years ago, I've always felt I didn't get time to get to know her, certainly not to know or relate to her as an adult which I would give anything to have done. I agree with everyone else saying mums hold families together, my dad really couldn't cope without her and our relationship suffered, he died 5 years later when my son was 8 months old and we were just beginning to get back on track. I really feel for my son that he never knew these two people who would have adored him, his other grandparents never wanted to know and now, at 25 and about to be married he doesn't even know where they live nor them he, but I digress, I don't even know if I was breastfed or how much I weighed when I was born which I was curious about when I had my own child, I could never have asked my dad. There has always been something missing ever since, Christmas has always been a horrible time for me especially.

PDog I worry about dying young too, to the extent where I became very ill with anxiety as nothing is worse to me then the idea of leaving my babies without a mum.

Seeing other nans with their gcs rips me apart.

I know what you mean gramercy - my mum did the best roast dinner and mine doesn't come close. Sunday was family day, we always had sunday dinner together. I really miss that now.

I also regret that I never got to know my mum as an adult reasons. I wonder how becoming a mother myself would have changed our relationship.

eyebrows keep posting here.

Thanks Pdog.

As I said earlier I lost my mum 2 days before giving birth to my first baby. My mums first GC. How cruel is that! She was so looking forward to being a nan.

I look at my children and can't believe they never met my mum. Sometimes I forget and then it shocks me when I remember again.

I think you see your own parents in a new light when you have children. I never saw my mum with other children when I was growing up or as an adult (there were none around) so it's hard to picture her with her grandchildren. I can't imagine what she would have been like with them.

I thought I would get a lot of support from my MIL as I assumed she would want to help, but in fact the opposite happened. At first I found it very hard to see her with my oldest child but I tried very hard not to let it show. I didn't cope at all really for the first few years due to the grief, depression and anxiety and I thought my MIL would want to help. All I got from her though was that she was too busy, despite looking after her daughters children several times a week so that her daughter can work and have hobbies and go clubbing etc. She just looks at me like I am an idiot for suggesting that she might want to help me. Have given up asking now, so instead I get her moaning that she misses the dcs.

The thinking I will die at the age my mother died resonates with me too. I have this idea that I will die at the same age. I try to shake it off as I know its just something people do.
The other thing I have that I feel isolates me from other people a bit is that I have this sense of death in the world. By which I mean that I feel like I know that death is something that happens. Sometimes I look at people who ahve never experienced the death of someone close to them and I think 'you have no idea'. I find it stunning.

Lucyloo I can relate about the girl thing. I was shocked after the birth of my first DC to be told it was a girl (had been told it was a boy) and burst into tears - it was because I thought I could have the mother/daughter relationship that I had and live it over again. I do love my DS but its the mother/daughter interaction - going clothes shopping, painting her nails which has really helped me grieving. I am still grieving 30 years after my mother's death. I will never "get over it" my DH doesn't understand.

My MIL has been incredibly insensitive and I'm not sure I can forgive her for her words and actions for when my babies were tiny. She wants lots of access on her terms to my kids now they are growing up my DC aren't that interested luckily and it does feel oddly good rejecting it.

I can identify with so much that has been said on this thread.

My mum died after a very short illness when I was 21. My dad died 4 years later. I had my first DC 11 months after my dad died.

I was an only child, and extremely close to my parents - I never spent a single night away from my mum til I was 17. I know when I was told she had died (I was at the hospital but not 'with' her) I felt the heaviest weight on my chest, it was as though the grief was physically painful. I miss her and my dad every day, I could still cry about it all the time (am shedding a tear or two currently) but I have to try not to think about the enormity of them not being around.

I have 2 DC now, both boys. DS1 (12) has no contact with his real father, though he does see DS2's dad regularly - he calls him dad, but they are not close. I am DS1's only family, which I am v :( about. DS2 (10) sees his dad and that side of the family, but they are a bit odd really and not like my family. I feel both boys have missed out - the childhood I remember of having my parents, and my mum's family around is not something they have ever had. I had a shit relationship with DS2's dad and have been single since we split 3 years ago.

I often think of how different things might be if my parents were still here - how they would have adored their GC (they never expected to be parents, I was born when my dad was 49, so I know they would have been overjoyed with GC). I would never have ended up with my abusive ex with my dad around. being able to ask their advice about things - how to cook certain dishes, things that I did as a baby - even stories they told me from their own childhoods which I try to retell to my DC and then realise I can't remember it fully...

I can understand about leaving your own children too - that was part of the reason why I wanted children young (I had both mine in my 20s) so if anything happened to me they would hopefully not be too young. I know of others who have done something similar, or not had children at all :(.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows, I know what you mean regarding mil.
After I married (9 yrs after mom died) I used to cry myself asleep thanking God for another chance-another mom. Dh's mother had 5 dc and I saw her keeping gc at her house for entire summers...

The joke was clearly on me.

She treated/s me like I'm an alien from another planet.

I would call her up to 'chat' and she'd answer the phone with "Oh, its you".

Hugs to everyone on arrival, except me.

I am now thankful for every one of the 512 miles that separate us.

TeachMySelfBalance Wow! Why was she like that?!

I lost my mum over 20 years ago, when my dd was only a few months old. We never had a very close relationship and I don't ever remember getting any kisses and cuddles but I know she loved me in her own way. The older I get, though the more i miss her. When I was a young mother I was too busy but now my dc are older I think about her alot. What's more disturbing is that I have regular dreams where I'm looking for her and can't find her, or wake up thinking 'I haven't heard from mum for ages, I hope she's all right, I'd better phone her.' Then I lie in bed remembering she's dead.

Wholeheartedly agree with others about mils: mine really didn't step up to the plate. I thought that they would appreciate that they're the only grandparents my dcs have - only close relatives, really - but they have always been too wrapped up in themselves to bother with them much. Mil rings dh all the time but never asks about the dcs, only goes on about her ailments/neighbours etc etc. When my mother died she never even mentioned it, except to ask quite out of the blue in the middle of Christmas Day what cancer was it my mother died from, as she had a neighbour who had it and wondered how long she had to live. I had to go and stand outside and silently scream in the garden.

I don't know, WhoseGotMyEyebrows.

Because I did not have a mother to teach me the fine art of kissing up to someone? or be an excellent house guest? or to set my boundaries and speak up?
Because my dh was openly her favorite child and no one would ever be good enough for him?
Because I went to college and she did not?
Because all of dh's siblings have had rotten marriages/or gone through divorce and she suspected I was just after his money (goose egg there)?

When my first child was born '92, pil came to visit(500+ miles) and they stayed 3 hours. Wow, thanks for all that help.

When my second child was born '94, no visit.

My late arrival child 3years ago was honored by my dh inviting his mother and one sister to travel with her on his 'free' air miles tickets. That turned into the other sister having a fit so she had to come, then the niece had to come and then the other niece had to come. They drove but we had enough sense to put them in a hotel. They arrived but we didn't see them until the evening of the following day...

I have come to consider them as an organism unto themselves. I simply am not part of the organism. Or clique or club or family ...I like organism better. Sometimes its ok to be a misfit.

We are going for a visit on Friday. Oh, joy.

That's harsh TeachMySelfBalance. I wondered if you would mention something like Because my dh was openly her favorite child and no one would ever be good enough for him?.

With my MIL we had always got along well. It took me a long time to realise how differently my PILs treat my DH compared to his sister but once we had children it was obvious. Then, I had the audacity to stand up to my spoilt SIL and not let her get away with doing something really nasty and hurtful to my DH. PILs said they wouldn't take sides but MIL really did! She came to my house and told me the stress had nearly killed my SIL (wtf?!), and that I had ruined her life. She then proceeded to punish me and DH for the next couple of years by offering to look after our children while we went to a friends wedding for example and then changing her mind at the last minute meaning we missed it and let down my friend. And refusing to either drive my DH to A&E when he was sick or look after the children so I could do it (and having smug "ha ha ha I'm not going to help you face" while she said it). Or by just saying "no I'm too busy" when I told her that I was desperate for help with the dcs (still in such a state grieving) and found every minute of every day a struggle, she then took my SILs kids out every day for the next few weeks and was there most of the time to help my SIL wipe her own arse! There are about another 20 examples but I won't bore you.

Hi hatesponge my heart really went out to you. Sorry you have had such a tough deal. I know about the worries you have regarding leaving your children. We have an only....I am happy with that. But I worry about her being alone when we are gone. I keep trying to convince myself that there will be more onlies in the next generation and so more friends as family. PLus my siblings drive me nuts. But they are there...
I digress, just wanted to say hey and send you some support-o-vibes

My mum died 2,5 years ago, after she was sick for 5 months. She only knew 2 months that she was terminally ill, before she died. Now I am 20 weeks pregnant.

I spoke about her about my future children and we recorded a message for her grandchildren! I feel very sad at times, especially when I hear children's songs that she used to sing for us. Before she died I asked her to tell about my birth, because that would be the last time. We snuggled up on her bed, and told me how it went, while she held me in her arms.

Although she is not physically here, she is always with me. But I miss her every day, especially now.

I'm sorry not not have read te whole thread but will put my story in as well and read the others later.
My mum died a few weeks before my 6th birthday, and despite a few shortish relationships before i was about 10 my dad never remarried or found a new partner. I find it very hard to know much about her as whenever I ask dad what she did in certain situations, or how they parented me and my older brother when I was little, he says Oh your mum dealt with all that, I don't know. There's a pretty big gap in our family history for about 5 years after her death - no photos, no diaries, basically a big blank, and I find that because memories are only kept through repetition, I really have no idea what life was like during those years,
Anyway, cut to now and i have two dds, like someone said up thread when I was pg I found myself expecting the baby to be a boy and was a bit surprised with a girl, thinking I have no idea what to do with a daughter. And I mentioned to a friend the other day that I got suddenly a bit terrified at the realisation that I am someone's mum, she looked a bit worried. I guess it's because I have no idea really what mums do, what their relatiomnship with their daughters should be like. My dad became a bit of a hermit, with obvious effect on me and my brother, and so we never did much hanging out with other families, it had always been my mum who helped with playgroup and was pillar of the community etc.
I do worry a lot about what I'll do as the girls get older, not really having any example of a mother to follow. Mum's older sister who was our last contact with that side of the family died a few years ago, and my dad's brother died 10 years ago and he had never kept close to his children, plus I have no grndparents, so I do feel rather rootless and desperate to try and create a secure rooted family for the girls, but what with so few relatives it's very hard.
Blimey, it's not just being motherless so much as the only older relative I really have is my dad- brother moved to canada 5 years ago... There are the ILs but that's a whole other story and suffice it to say, from what dh has told me, I will defi itely not be looki g to Mil for advice on mothering!

teachmyselfbalance

My mil was like that too. In fact, for some reason we're always excluded from family events--until only recently and it's because the last time my pils came over, I singled out my fil and asked him directly what my dh and ds have done to be excluded from the rest of the family. I think he may have had a word or two and we're now all of a sudden getting invites 2x a week .

Wow, WhoseGotMyEyebrows, it sounds like your mil is stuck being a bitchy 13 year old. Sympathies to you.

I do like to find some level of contentment in knowing that perhaps it is a good thing mil isn't around so much-I certainly don't have to clean to meet her standards, for example. And I don't have to do the emotional sparring over training, untraining, retraining the youngsters after exposure to her, iykwim.

eandz-that's great that you hit your fil with a bullseye. I hope their invites are sincere and not contentious, superficial opportunities to use you as an easy target.

Out of the blue, my sil called me up and we had a real nice chat for an hour and a half! That never happens. Then, within a week she asked my dh to co-sign a construction loan for his sister's dance studio. He refused, his decision, he didn't even discuss it with me. She ended up closing the business. Naturally it was all my fault as it was me that made the decision about the contract. The next visit was hell from her and mil...I later vowed to dh to never visit again-that they blamed me (a surprise to dh) and it would be eternally unforgivable ("me saying no" and/or they blaming me). Then dh called them up and made it clear it wasn't me. I got a sudo-apology from sil in a letter explaining that the turmoil was all about her son being such a hard child to manage (true in itself) but nothing about the real subject-like it didn't happen.

TeachMySelfBalance Yeah your right, she is like a bitchy 13 yo. Unfortunately the whole family is similar, the dad is a bit of a nasty one who rejoices is cutting people down (verbally) and is a bully and my SIL has a chip on her shoulder the size of London and thinks the whole world revolves around her, or at least it should.

So you have to go through similar.

I do often think about how different it would be if my mum was here. I have no idea how they would have worked out really, if we would have argued and clashed over parenting things. Who knows. I can make guesses but relationships change after the arrival of a new generation I think.

teachmyselfbalance yes, now we are being invited to more things, but I have realized (because I have been told indirectly) that because I've made my feelings clear my Pils thinks I'm stupid because I admitted feeling left out. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't. I just have no idea which direction I'm supposed to step in.

I'm not sure if my problems really stem from being motherless, or if I'm just unaware of 'family dynamics' because I was raised by my dad, but I do wonder if I had a 'mother+daughter' relationship if I would be able to channel the inner bitch and be crafty/relationship savvy with extended family.

I do feel quite hopeless often when I want to make major decisions. I sometimes find solace in asking a magic 8 ball.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows,
I think for normal people, the relationship changes when the next generation arrives: it is maturing and evolving. But for folks that are dysfunctional, the script is written and there is little chance for any real progress. It is just a recurring nightmare of variations on the theme.

I mourned my mom more after dd1 was born, after ds came along, but it was more for what I missed rather than pining for the strength of the circle of bond/connection/support that one might feel from an unbroken chain of grandma/mom/child. I think I subconsciously felt that had my mother been there, she'd have made my life a living hell, and felt comfort in that I at least didn't have to endure that.

eandz,
Sometimes it is ok to blame the other person, in this case your inlaws. I know I am flawed, but when I see someone putting on a demonstration of their own fuckedupness, then I have a private smile with myself and say I'm not that bad!

Whenever I am in "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" then I'm inclined to "don't". I find it less damning for inaction, than action. But that is just me.

Now that you have complained, and are receiving more invites, you will be damned if you ever turn one down. That sucks, and goes in the file of "be careful of what you wish for". I don't think this is you, your ils are mean.

Could you take baby steps back and begin to refer to your dh in the interactions with ils? Check with him on all decisions, defer to his choices, then after a time, just let him deal with them. Is it true that you want contact/be invited because you feel bad for your dh being left out? Imho, if he feels that bad about it, he will say something...and the exclusions would come to be peace for you, iyswim.

as far as these functions and my dh go--

to be honest I know deep down he's relieved that they've started inviting us, but he's too passive to suggest he cares in front of me...and he has too much pride to admit it bothers him to his family. Every time there were new family function photos up on facebook, his face would just fall. I figured he would just tell me if he thought I was to blame, but now when we go, it seems like he doesn't care about what the reason was before--just as long as it doesn't happen to him again.

Just bookmarking as I'd like to come back to this thread when I have more time