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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you believe this?

131 replies

Believable · 27/07/2011 01:46

If you were told this story, would you believe it? (sorry it is very long)

Jane was your typical woman in mid-twenties, hoping someday to find Mr right but it no, so what? Although she wanted children come hell or high water. If that meant being a single mum, then so be it. Jane unfortunately had PCOS, so the likelihood of her conceiving naturally was fairly slim.

In the summer of 2005, after another break up of a not to serious relationship, she stumbled into the taxi of a man who was quite charming. He name was John. John was not from the same country as Jane. Jane had always believed the she was no better than anyone and no one was better than her. Everyone was equal. They exchanged numbers and over the next few weeks and months, a relationship had blossomed. Jane & John decided to start trying for a baby. After a chat with her doctor they both felt that it might be a long process and her doctor prescribed some medication to increase the chances of conceiving.
After a few months they were successful. They were both overjoyed. John & Jane decided to take a trip to his home country for Jane to be introduced to his family. The trip was planned meticulously and they discussed getting married when they were away. His family would never be able to afford the money to UK to attend wedding. A decision was reached that they would marry in his country with his family and then on their 1yr anniversary, get blessing in UK with her family and friends.

So in the summer of 2006 Jane & John set of for his home country. They were welcomed warmly and Jane felt like a part of the family instantly. Jane and John were married surrounded by his family. It was a lovely day. Whilst they were there John?s father became very ill and was admitted to hospital. Things did not look good. Jane suggested that John should stay for a few weeks to spend as much time as possible with his ailing father and that she would return to UK without him. The baby was not due for 3 months so plenty of time for John to spend with his father and still be back in time for the birth.

Jane returned to the UK on her own. It was fairly unpleasant trip. Long flight to London, missing connecting flight. Having to arrange to fly to nearby airport and getting a lift from that airport in the middle of the night. Jane returned to work the following day after only a few hours? sleep. She looked very much like a busted sofa, but a happy busted sofa. Everyone was delighted that they had married. A few days later Jane had a regular check-up in hospital to monitor pregnancy, it was noted that there was reduced fluid and baby was breech. Hospital arranged for her to attend again the following week for further monitoring.

Jane was still live in her parents? house and so had to find somewhere for her, John and baby to live and set up house. The following week the fluid was decreased and Jane was signed off work and put on bed rest, now she had to attend every 3 days for monitoring. At 29 weeks she was admitted to hospital for full bed rest. There was the constant threat that they would have to deliver the baby early. Jane was frantic. Baby might not survive and John was still at his father?s bedside. She did not want to pressure him to come home.

Finally John came home when Jane was at 34weeks. Within days the fluid levels around the baby stabilised and she was allowed to go home. Baby was born by C-section at 38wks. They were both ecstatic with the new dd.

Home life settled into the mundane routine. But something kept niggling at Jane. John disappearing for hours on end, saying he was going somewhere on his way out then talking about another place when he came home. John worked nightshift and the wages coming into the house did not match the amount of hours that he was working.
Jane got suspicious and started hunting for clues. She eventually found a phone with few numbers that she did not recognise. Jane called these numbers to be told by the women on the other end that they were ?dating? her husband. All hell broke loose and Jane kicked John out of the house. Jane was raised Catholic and believed that marriage is for life. When she and Jon (also Catholic) first discussed getting married, they were in complete agreement was to what was acceptable. Infidelity was not. But Jane?s religion meant that she had to try to forgive him.

About a month after they separated, John was living with a woman(let?s call her Alice) from his own country saying that ?she knew too much? and ?she could get him into trouble? and promised that someday everything would be sorted and he & Jane would be happy again.

Jane fell into a depression. Going from being a single happy woman without a care in the world to a separated married woman with 4month old dd and debt up to her eyeballs (trip home & setting up the house).

Life ticked on as best it could. Jane did all that she could for her dd. Providing a safe and loving home albeit with only one parent. John was very sporadic in his visits, which tormented Jane. After consulting a solicitor, Jane was advised to not rock the boat. To let things plod along as they were. John would most likely be granted access to DD outside of the house but that meant the DD would be going to Alice?s house. Alice on her many many phone calls to Jane to stay away from John made it very clear that she hated Jane and disliked the idea of DD.

So in winter of 2009, a police man called to Jane house and asked to come in. PC Bobby explained that the home office had been looking at John and had discovered that he had 2 wives. One he married in UK in 2004 and Jane who he married elsewhere in 2006. This came as such a shock to Jane. She was required to go to police station to give a full statement. This process was horrific for Jane having to recount their whole relationship to a very cynical policewoman (let?s call her Sally) who seemed to be getting pleasure out of the delicious gory details of the broken relationship. Jane made it perfectly clear that she would not be giving evidence in court if it ever got that far. She provided the police with photographs and a copy of the marriage licence.

As the month went by, PC Sally pushed and pressured Jane about handing over the original marriage licence. Jane refused. If on the off chance the licence was lost/destroyed, Jane would have to fly back to John?s home country and apply in person. Jane assured PC Sally that she would make sure that the original licence was brought to court on the days it was needed.

PC Sally alternated between pushing for the licence and pushing for Jane to give evidence in court. Jane?s depression was not lifting and if anything was getting deeper and deeper. Her doctor has to write to the prosecution service and police to advise them that Jane was not medically fit to give evidence.

John?s case finally made its way to magistrates? court and was publicised on radio & newspapers much to Jane?s distress. The case moved to crown court. PC Sally contacted Jane again and this time threatened to arrest Jane. Jane had a breakdown. John?s barristers put forward an old piece of legislation from 1800s.

The following week, John?s case was dropped. His barristers had found a loophole in the law. He legally has 2 wives. He is living the life of Reilly while Jane raises their DD on her own.

OP posts:
SiamoFottuti · 28/07/2011 15:44

the bit about the courts ruling two marriages are legal is commonplace? I think not!

Believable · 28/07/2011 23:59

I have dual citizenship of Irish/British. Born in North of Ireland. Himself is not Nigerian but is African.

I am going to save some money and make an appointment to see a solicitor. I am very confused about what the police/pps have told me and what is being said on here about the legality of our marriage.

Thanks everyone for commenting.

OP posts:
MissMaryofSweden · 29/07/2011 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bandwithering · 29/07/2011 00:29

I don't quite get this! what is the question you are asking

I hate when catholics say "i'm a catholic so i got married for life".
As opposed to church of england who just get married for a year??

MissMaryofSweden · 29/07/2011 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMaryofSweden · 29/07/2011 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Believable · 29/07/2011 00:47

bandwithering I don't mean to offend anyone.

Marriage was registered with GRO when I came home.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 29/07/2011 07:56

sorry- a little hijack here...

is that correct??? My husband is not British and we got married in his country. We never registered the marriage when we came to the UK. Is it not valid?

TheRealMBJ · 29/07/2011 08:31

No it isn't strictly correct. Provided you are married in a country and manner recognised by Britain as a proper, legal marriage, and you have a copy of your original and full marriage certificate, you do not have to register it here. You can if you want to , but it isn't necessary.

Bandwithering · 29/07/2011 08:38

Yes Believable, but as an Irish person who it annoys me when catholics say this kind of nonsense. they believe that their marriage is for life, their wedding ceromony is a sacrament. other marriages are just legal. THAT IS SURELY OFFENSIVE. I don't know whether this is a character you're writing. If that's the case, then I'd say she is quite realistic in that respect because a lot of older catholics would think like that, that their marriage was superior.

Aislingorla · 29/07/2011 08:46

I was brought up as catholic and did not marry in the c. church (20 years ago). Some tried to make me feel I wasn't properly married and my mother wanted me to get a 'catholic dispinsation'!(sp.?).
How silly!

Bandwithering · 29/07/2011 08:53

yeah. i know a couple who got married in a registry office and then stopped at a nearby church to take some photos just to keep one of the mums happy. The mum was behind this macchiavellian plotting. She wanted to have photos to show her sisters/cousins/friends.

the couple later discovered the church they took the photos outside was a protestant church. I was laughing my head off when my friend told me. It's like a BIG secret for them though. They live half in fear of this coming out!

anyway, tangent or what. OP you can put that in your book if you like

Aislingorla · 29/07/2011 08:58

It's all about 'keeping up appearances' with the c.church (in my experience)

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 29/07/2011 09:05

About a month after they separated, John was living with a woman(let?s call her Alice) from his own country saying that ?she knew too much? and ?she could get him into trouble? and promised that someday everything would be sorted and he & Jane would be happy again

I don't understand this paragraph, can you elaborate please?

Sorry you've been through such a horrible time.

Believable · 29/07/2011 12:51

I think that "Alice" knew of his first marriage and was threatening "John" with the authorities. Although given the amount of lies that he told me, that could just be another one.

Band Again, I am sorry if I offended anyone. I certainly didn't mean to. Jane is not a character. This is my life.

OP posts:
TheRealMBJ · 29/07/2011 12:56

Personally, I don't think you have the full story here OP. I think he is still lying to you.

I also really still do not understand this 'sort of' legal marriage thing. I understand that you may feel that you are married to him in the eyes of god (or whatever) but according to UK law, you cannot possibly be legally married to this man.

Can you not go and see someone at CAB/Legal Aid to get clarity regarding your LEGAL position. In every other aspect, I am sorry to say, I would not believe a eor coming out of his mouth. Sorry.

It might not feel likebit now, but you ae lucky to have escaped him so soon.

Believable · 29/07/2011 21:48

I certainly hope he has no more secrets. I don't think I can take anymore

OP posts:
Catslikehats · 30/07/2011 21:54

OP I think I understand why you wrote your OP as you did. You have been conned by a man that you believed loved you and are now in shock that you fell for it. I think many woman have been in that position to one extent or another. I am guessing you wanted someone to say that they don't think you behaved like a complete fool.

Presumably his first "marriage" is/was legal.

His second marrriage (to Jane) was not legal because it was carried out in the UK and is not considered by the UK to be a legally binding marriage.

I am assuming that this "legal loophole" to which you refer is the interpretation given to you by the police for their inability to put together a proper case. e.g. check that your marriage was in fact legally binding in the UK.

You've obviously been through a shitty time. I am not sure what you want going forward but putting this whole sorry affair behind you would be a good start.

SiamoFottuti · 31/07/2011 11:30

It wasn't carried out in the UK.

Catslikehats · 31/07/2011 12:22

Obviously that was a typo.

Sentence should read "His second marriage was not legal because it was not carried out in the UK and is not considered by the UK to be legally binding"

TheRealMBJ · 31/07/2011 12:49

Even if 2nd marriage was carried out in UK, it would still not be legal, provided the first were

SiamoFottuti · 31/07/2011 12:57

exactly, MBJ, the 2nd marriage isn't legal anywhere, because its a bigamous marriage, makes no difference where it was.

Catslikehats · 31/07/2011 13:05

Unless of course the first marraige was not in fact legal....

The point is there is no legal loophole that permits two legally binding marriages in the UK, the way that the situation has been explained to the OP as a "loophole" is misleading nd it would appear from the OP hampering the OP's ability to accept her marriage was a sham and therefore her attempts to move on.

SiamoFottuti · 31/07/2011 13:10

Well actually as said above the UK can and does recognise two legally binding marriages at the same time, as long as they both took place in a country that has legal plural marriage and both/all parties were fully domiciled in that country at the time of the marriages.

which is not the case here. But the above could of course be described as a "loophole" if you wished.

Catslikehats · 31/07/2011 14:10

I don't believe, in the situation you describe, both wives would be afforded the same status within the UK though would they?

For example where I live it is legally permissible to have two wives, yet if the parties were to reside in the UK whilst the husband would not be considered to be a bigamist under UK law only the first marriage is binding, within the UK and the second wife would not be afforded the status of wife, at least that has always been my understanding.

It matters not to the OP I am sure. Regardless she needs to accept that her marriage is not what she believed it to be. Her ex has lied to her horribly and she now needs to move on in whatever way she can.

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