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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you believe this?

131 replies

Believable · 27/07/2011 01:46

If you were told this story, would you believe it? (sorry it is very long)

Jane was your typical woman in mid-twenties, hoping someday to find Mr right but it no, so what? Although she wanted children come hell or high water. If that meant being a single mum, then so be it. Jane unfortunately had PCOS, so the likelihood of her conceiving naturally was fairly slim.

In the summer of 2005, after another break up of a not to serious relationship, she stumbled into the taxi of a man who was quite charming. He name was John. John was not from the same country as Jane. Jane had always believed the she was no better than anyone and no one was better than her. Everyone was equal. They exchanged numbers and over the next few weeks and months, a relationship had blossomed. Jane & John decided to start trying for a baby. After a chat with her doctor they both felt that it might be a long process and her doctor prescribed some medication to increase the chances of conceiving.
After a few months they were successful. They were both overjoyed. John & Jane decided to take a trip to his home country for Jane to be introduced to his family. The trip was planned meticulously and they discussed getting married when they were away. His family would never be able to afford the money to UK to attend wedding. A decision was reached that they would marry in his country with his family and then on their 1yr anniversary, get blessing in UK with her family and friends.

So in the summer of 2006 Jane & John set of for his home country. They were welcomed warmly and Jane felt like a part of the family instantly. Jane and John were married surrounded by his family. It was a lovely day. Whilst they were there John?s father became very ill and was admitted to hospital. Things did not look good. Jane suggested that John should stay for a few weeks to spend as much time as possible with his ailing father and that she would return to UK without him. The baby was not due for 3 months so plenty of time for John to spend with his father and still be back in time for the birth.

Jane returned to the UK on her own. It was fairly unpleasant trip. Long flight to London, missing connecting flight. Having to arrange to fly to nearby airport and getting a lift from that airport in the middle of the night. Jane returned to work the following day after only a few hours? sleep. She looked very much like a busted sofa, but a happy busted sofa. Everyone was delighted that they had married. A few days later Jane had a regular check-up in hospital to monitor pregnancy, it was noted that there was reduced fluid and baby was breech. Hospital arranged for her to attend again the following week for further monitoring.

Jane was still live in her parents? house and so had to find somewhere for her, John and baby to live and set up house. The following week the fluid was decreased and Jane was signed off work and put on bed rest, now she had to attend every 3 days for monitoring. At 29 weeks she was admitted to hospital for full bed rest. There was the constant threat that they would have to deliver the baby early. Jane was frantic. Baby might not survive and John was still at his father?s bedside. She did not want to pressure him to come home.

Finally John came home when Jane was at 34weeks. Within days the fluid levels around the baby stabilised and she was allowed to go home. Baby was born by C-section at 38wks. They were both ecstatic with the new dd.

Home life settled into the mundane routine. But something kept niggling at Jane. John disappearing for hours on end, saying he was going somewhere on his way out then talking about another place when he came home. John worked nightshift and the wages coming into the house did not match the amount of hours that he was working.
Jane got suspicious and started hunting for clues. She eventually found a phone with few numbers that she did not recognise. Jane called these numbers to be told by the women on the other end that they were ?dating? her husband. All hell broke loose and Jane kicked John out of the house. Jane was raised Catholic and believed that marriage is for life. When she and Jon (also Catholic) first discussed getting married, they were in complete agreement was to what was acceptable. Infidelity was not. But Jane?s religion meant that she had to try to forgive him.

About a month after they separated, John was living with a woman(let?s call her Alice) from his own country saying that ?she knew too much? and ?she could get him into trouble? and promised that someday everything would be sorted and he & Jane would be happy again.

Jane fell into a depression. Going from being a single happy woman without a care in the world to a separated married woman with 4month old dd and debt up to her eyeballs (trip home & setting up the house).

Life ticked on as best it could. Jane did all that she could for her dd. Providing a safe and loving home albeit with only one parent. John was very sporadic in his visits, which tormented Jane. After consulting a solicitor, Jane was advised to not rock the boat. To let things plod along as they were. John would most likely be granted access to DD outside of the house but that meant the DD would be going to Alice?s house. Alice on her many many phone calls to Jane to stay away from John made it very clear that she hated Jane and disliked the idea of DD.

So in winter of 2009, a police man called to Jane house and asked to come in. PC Bobby explained that the home office had been looking at John and had discovered that he had 2 wives. One he married in UK in 2004 and Jane who he married elsewhere in 2006. This came as such a shock to Jane. She was required to go to police station to give a full statement. This process was horrific for Jane having to recount their whole relationship to a very cynical policewoman (let?s call her Sally) who seemed to be getting pleasure out of the delicious gory details of the broken relationship. Jane made it perfectly clear that she would not be giving evidence in court if it ever got that far. She provided the police with photographs and a copy of the marriage licence.

As the month went by, PC Sally pushed and pressured Jane about handing over the original marriage licence. Jane refused. If on the off chance the licence was lost/destroyed, Jane would have to fly back to John?s home country and apply in person. Jane assured PC Sally that she would make sure that the original licence was brought to court on the days it was needed.

PC Sally alternated between pushing for the licence and pushing for Jane to give evidence in court. Jane?s depression was not lifting and if anything was getting deeper and deeper. Her doctor has to write to the prosecution service and police to advise them that Jane was not medically fit to give evidence.

John?s case finally made its way to magistrates? court and was publicised on radio & newspapers much to Jane?s distress. The case moved to crown court. PC Sally contacted Jane again and this time threatened to arrest Jane. Jane had a breakdown. John?s barristers put forward an old piece of legislation from 1800s.

The following week, John?s case was dropped. His barristers had found a loophole in the law. He legally has 2 wives. He is living the life of Reilly while Jane raises their DD on her own.

OP posts:
Believable · 27/07/2011 23:51

in hindsight shiney you are probably right.

OP posts:
Strawbezza · 27/07/2011 23:53

The only thing missing is Simon Bates' voice and the "Our Tune" theme playing soulfully in the background.

RumourOfAHurricane · 27/07/2011 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fuzzywuzzy · 28/07/2011 00:01

I have heard of instances (ok just one case really) where for the purpose of claiming benefits a bigamous marriage is recognised so guy can claim for his family consisting of two or more wives. Providing the marriages took place in a country where these are recognised as such and not in the uk.

Subsequent spouses aren't legally recognised tho in any other form within the uk.

I remember reading it in a newspaper a few years back, was very surprised.

SiamoFottuti · 28/07/2011 00:02

also I'd like to know which country allows for multiple marriage amongst Catholics (especially as polygamy is expressly ruled against by the Catholic Church as against the moral code)?

Strawbezza · 28/07/2011 00:02

The bare bones of the story are:

Jane was repeatedly lied to by the father of her child. Who has now buggered off.

That's very believable.

SiamoFottuti · 28/07/2011 00:04

fuzzy thats not true, that only happens when the parties are both domiciled in a country that has legal plural marriage. Visiting a country does not make you domiciled and anyway the law changed many years ago so you can't bring the second wife over.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 28/07/2011 00:06

How long ago was the court case, Believable?
Does John have contact with your DD?
Is this chain of events causing you financial/legal/emotional/childcare problems now?

LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/07/2011 00:09

strawbezza - forgive me, but 'Someone has gone on a website to tell nasty and implausible stories about Them Evil Foreigners and Their Nasty Customs' is very believable as an explanation too.

Strawbezza · 28/07/2011 00:15

LRD your explanation is even more believable than mine!

Believable · 28/07/2011 00:16

LRDT I have nothing against foreigners and am trying to bring my dd up with both my customs/culture and whatever I can glean from books/internet about her fathers customs/culture.

The court case was dropped about 4months ago. My health has has gone downhill since.

Himself has very little contact with DD. She loves when he does visit. He does not contribute financially.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 28/07/2011 00:25

believable
I think you've been given a really hard time on this thread

sounds like you are in shock

I think you need to get legal advice to clarify whether you are still married. If you are, get a divorce

put a claim in for maintenance from him?

find a way to move on.

Do you still think you have feelings for him? want to understand why? feel stupid for being taken for such a mug?

Eurostar · 28/07/2011 00:56

I believe that a foreign marriage can be claimed here to not be a legal marriage - I read it for instance that this happened to Jerry Hall when she went to Divorce Mick Jagger and it was judged that they were never married in the first place.

I believe a hundred times over that people get into situations where they end up with a lying cheat of a partner. It happens of course between long standing Brits, I've seen it happen so many times in people marrying people who come from countries where the Brit just cannot conceive, iin a literal sense, of, where there partner is "coming from" and build an imperfect picture and do not understand what other motivations may be at play.

You sound Irish Believable, with your use of language, to me so don't know if you are in UK? Take legal advice, find out if your marriage counts here and if you need a divorce.

Anyway, it is time to move on, to accept that you picked a wrong 'un and decide what YOU want and need to live a happy life with your DD.

Also, it sounds like you need to arrange to collect evidence of wife no 1's threats so that you can build a case for DD not going there. You are right that she could be treated dreadfully by wife no 1. Are there children in marraige no 1 by the way?

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 28/07/2011 07:41

If this is what happened to you I don't understand why you have posted asking if we would believe you rather than posting for support/understanding/whatever it is you want.

I think what's happened is as others have said whilst he is married to someone in the uk, your marriage is not legal here which is very different to legally having two wives.

BalloonSlayer · 28/07/2011 08:51

I suspect that what is troubling Believable most is that it seems clear that her marriage is invalid. However, people are telling her that due to a loophole it is "a bit valid", so therefore does she need to get a divorce or not?

Sorry for what you have been through "Believable." Sad Maybe the best course of action would be for you to pursue a divorce and approach it from that angle. An annulment would be easy to get for you, through the church, which would help a bit I'd have though.

BalloonSlayer · 28/07/2011 08:52

Sorry for inverted commas around your name, Believable it looks like I am trying to insult you. They were meant to be stars for bolding.

SiamoFottuti · 28/07/2011 10:28

I think the only reason the OP might be seen to be giving a hard time is that she asked if her story is believable or not. And it isn't in the slightest, none of it adds up to being vaguely on point. If a few of the details were different then it might, but there are some big problems in the story. Biggest one IMO being that if she said the "DH" was muslim rather than catholic it could possibly make more sense.

bejeezus · 28/07/2011 11:00

SiamoFottuti

why would it make more sense if he were Muslim and not Catholic?

The mans a con-man, a sociopath probably. It has nothing to do with his religion

FreudianSlipper · 28/07/2011 11:00

hindsight is a wonderful thing

when we are in love why shoudl we question what someone tells us, at times i think we have all believed the most ridiculous stories because at times the ridiculous does actually happen

stop giving yourself a hard time he deliberately lied he is the only one in the wrong

SiamoFottuti · 28/07/2011 11:08

Because the only countries that allow legal plural marriage are muslim? OP isn't just saying that he lied, shes saying that the courts said his marriages were both legal. Thats just nor possible unless they are recognising the legality of prior plural marriage in a country where it is permitted, and the conditions needed for that are not fulfilled in the OP's story.

It is entirely believable that a man lied to a woman and "married" her when previously married, that he is a cheat, a con-man (although that doesn't seem to be the case here either), and even a psychopath. However its the rest of it that makes no sense and is far from believeable.

Cheria · 28/07/2011 11:09

Sounds like you've been to hell and back. Can't offer you any advice other than your husband sounds like a

Cheria · 28/07/2011 11:10

(( very rude word )). I hope you find a way to move on soon.

mouldyironingboard · 28/07/2011 14:17

I'm sorry for my earlier posting - I honestly thought you had written a (rather corny) novel plot! You've had a really tough time.

My advice would be see a family lawyer to find out what maintenance and contact arrangements can be put in place and you also need to find out whether or not a divorce is needed.

I think you might also benefit from counselling to be able to move forward from this awful deception.

BelleDameSansMerci · 28/07/2011 14:32

It is all too believable sadly.

If your marriage is legal (which does seem unlikely unless you are muslim "second wife") surely you are able to claim some financial contribution from him at least for your child? It's not unreasonable to expect him to contribute.

DontGoCurly · 28/07/2011 15:26

If you're Irish and he's Nigerian then the story is not only believable but commonplace.