wifes libido, what's happend to it?

[lightning02]

Well, where do I start? We?ve been married 15 years, have two beautiful primary school age kiddies and we always had what I would call a decent relationship and sex life.
Recently though things have taken a turn for the worse and have no idea of what to do to get things back on track.

We still have sex, even though it?s not as often as I would like, but it always seems hard work. I feel that she partakes to just get it out of the way.

Initiation is 99.9% from me. Kissing isn?t allowed (only if she?s drunk!!),no oral for me, infact she doesn?t like my face near hers, she doesn?t move much and when we?ve finished she seems really agitated! Morning sex is a thing of the past. ?She says it puts her in a mood for the rest of the day!!

I get turned down regulaly and told to accept it.

2 years ago, she did go through a really horny stage,(after both kids were born) whereby she wanted it at any given moment. I relished this and never ever said no. I?d love her to be like this again (even if it wasn?t as often). Just for the fact that I can feel wanted by her and not some dirty perv who always makes the first move!

The thing is is that I love her more than anything and I find her really attractive, but can?t help but feel that if this goes on for much longer, we?ll probably end up going our separate ways.

We have, as far as I am aware of, no underlying issues. We have sat down numerous times and discussed this, but it only ends in arguments, so I tend to just keep it to myself now and walk round a bit deflated. Our household chores are split evenly, infact I probably tend to do more.

I really don?t know what to do to get things back on track, that?s if they ever will. The talking method doesn?t seem to work. The silent method, does raise her attention that something isn?t right, but that obviously isn?t a good way to help this issue. We can?t go down that line for the rest of our lives!! It sounds awful, but the more I get pushed away and rejected the more distant I feel.

Should I just not focus on this, lay off the sex and hope eventually she regains her libido and want?s me again?

Any advice would be great!

[Eurostar]

Couples therapy (doesn't have to be via Relate, ask your GP what is available in your area) is not harsh, it aims to help communication - as you have said yourself, your talks don't go anywhere. Privately, try these people www.cosrt.org.uk/

Experienced therapists are good at helping you to pinpoint the reasons (be they physical or psychological) for changes

[lightning02]

I'm the one in the relationship who shows the affection and is looking for the affection. I kiss and cuddle her all the time and thell her I love her.(she doesnt like to kiss during sex!!)
She very rarely comes to me for a cuddle.

We have sex roughly once a fortnight.

BJ.......not one for 3 years!! so I never expect one now!

Gonna hold back for a while and see what happens................

[berries]

I backed off as got tired of feeling unwanted. 5 sexless years later I left. I just wish he'd had the guts to say he never wanted sex with me again and I needn't have wasted 5 years trying to make it work on my own.

[SchrodingersMew]

Blimey! You have sex more than me. :(

My DP is the cuddly and kissy type, so much so that it puts me off at times! I like cuddles and kisses but there is such a thing as too much. It makes me feel suffocated. And while I may have been in the mood because I have a fairly high libido, the over cuddly/kissy thing puts me right off.

[lightning02]

thats my worry. if i back off I can see it developing into no further "action"! But I suppose I need to try this to see what happens........

[Whatmeworry]

As the kids are in school already and it sounds like she had a "horny" stage so I'd assume the worst of the "exhausting young DCs" period is over.

How recent is "recent" OP, and were there any other things happening at the same time? Did it coincide with going onto a different pill? (some really do kill libido)

Her reaction sounds very defensive as you have described it though. I think SwallowedAFly's advice made sense, but at some point you probably have to have A Very Adult conversation about the likely outcomes.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

You say that conversations between you on the subject become heated, OP: Are you listening to your DW? What is she actually saying about her low libido? What is she saying about your behaviour?
(If all she says is that she doesn't want to discuss it and refuses to engage with you at all then that's a different set of problems). But, as Bradbourne says, if you repeatedly do things that your DW has asked you not to do, then maybe she doesn't feel desire for you because she is irritated.

[lightning02]

i dont think this has anything to do with what and how much i do at home. I "muck in" with most things, and she isnt tattered from running around too much.
she's not on the pill....so it cant be that!

I listen to her. When i've discussed rejection etc with her before, she said she can understand that I must feel upset ...but thats it... nothing really changes... I maybe get a guilt trip shag, then its back to square one, and thats not what I really want.

[SchrodingersMew]

You shouldn't be accepting those "guilt trip shags", especially when you know she doesn't really want to do it. Those are probably just making her resent you if she is relating just about everytime she has sex with you to not wanting to actually do it.

[Malificence]

I don't know how any man can enjoy sex if he knows his partner doesn't really want it tbh and if she doesn't really want it then she's not going to really enjoy it either.
If you feel that she's simply giving in to your needs, what exactly do you get out of it?

[crystalglasses]

Once a fortnight doesn't seem too bad to me. I thought you were saying you never had it. How often do you expect it?

[larrygrylls]

How come if this were a woman asking about a man going off sex, everyone would say "he's getting it elsewhere" yet that suggestion has not come up here?

For me, this is screaming "affair". A kiss is a way of honestly communicating emotion and avoiding kisses is keeping oneself shut off. The guilt sex rather than no sex again seems to be trying to do the bare basics of maintaining the pretence of a relationship.

Of course, there are a million and one possible reasons, but an affair has to be one to consider imo and at least ask about.

[DuelingFanjo]

everyone wouldn't say that it must be an affair. I wouldn't. sex once a fortnight sounds ok to me, apart from the fact that she only seems to do it because she's badgered and pestered.

[Whatmeworry]

For me, this is screaming "affair". A kiss is a way of honestly communicating emotion and avoiding kisses is keeping oneself shut off. The guilt sex rather than no sex again seems to be trying to do the bare basics of maintaining the pretence of a relationship.

That could be a reason, or just that "she's not that into you anymore", or she may find continual kissing and cuddling and "I love you's" cloying and offputting, or think that kissing = wanting sex and hating that, or that she simply has not much libido anymore, or a whole lot of other things.

What is clear is that she doesn't want to talk about it at all (she may not even know what's wrong herself), and nothing will change unless the OP changes something. Options are to back off for a bit, to try and get some counseling, and to put down some form of ultimatum - probably in that order.

[FatChanceBuster]

When I was looking after my xh's two kids (and mine), doing all the housework and all the childcare and living on a shoe string, and all my needs and plans were secondary to his, I honestly would have hacked off his penis before I would have given him a blow job because it would have felt like yet one more subserviant act I was performing for him/his house.

I still had sex with him but like your wife I didn't want to kiss him. that seemed a bit more equal because I was getting something out of it. But a blow job for a man who basically treated me like a maid? I was very resentful. He was in control of all the money and because HE earned he bought what he considered worth it or important. And yet, he sulked when I wanted to work. I told him he couldn't have it both ways, either treat my role as equal to your money-making role OR support me in a job that'll help me earn half decent money.

Despite his intelligence he didn't seem to 'get' that. So a blow job? No way. Fat chance.

I hope that helps.

[FatChanceBuster]

ps, I in no way at all 'loved' him at that point though. ~And I would happily have dragged brad pitt upstairs. In fact I used to think about sex a lot.

[mouldyironingboard]

This might sound a bit naive of me but do you show any romance towards your wife? Do you get to out together as a couple or enjoy quality time together?

It could be that she might respond to receiving her favourite flowers, breakfast in bed, a lovely meal out (with sex being taken off the menu for a while). Perhaps she just doesn't feel special enough at the moment. Most women need to feel really cherished to have great intimacy with a long-term partner. It's an old-fashioned notion, but I suspect your wife might rather enjoy being wooed by you.

[confidence]

You shouldn't be accepting those "guilt trip shags", especially when you know she doesn't really want to do it. Those are probably just making her resent you if she is relating just about everytime she has sex with you to not wanting to actually do it.

Except that either they shag (occasionally) and she maybe ends up resenting him, or they never shag and he ends up resenting her. I don't see that the first option is any worse than the second.

There's a wierd myth that people in happy relationships will always have nicely aligned sex drives, and both get an amount of sex that is "right" for them while both wanting it. Often it's not like that. Some people just want a lot more or less sex than others, and some people want none or hardly any. Our psychoanlytical culture has led us to believe that sex which is largely automatic for one party is the most terrible offence against a genuine relationship; but I don't see really why it's any worse than watching a film you're not very interested in, helping out painting a room that you are personally happy with as it is, or any of the other things people do to make their loved one happy.

I agree with malifience. Women often get to a point where they just completely go off sex. Some of the possible contributing factors in this thread might help, or they might not. It sounds like there is plenty that's good in the relationship, so get used to wanking a lot and focus on the positive.

[tellmethefuture]

'Some people just want a lot more or less sex than others, and some people want none or hardly any. Our psychoanlytical culture has led us to believe that sex which is largely automatic for one party is the most terrible offence against a genuine relationship; but I don't see really why it's any worse than watching a film you're not very interested in, helping out painting a room that you are personally happy with as it is, or any of the other things people do to make their loved one happy.'

Wow, where were you on my thread, where I was pretty much told I was cold, selfish and self-indulgent for the exact reason above. You just explained it so much better :)

Op your wife doesn't fancy you; a classic sign of that is an aversion to kissing. Who knows whether it can be sorted but I actually don't think you're doing that badly with sex once a fortnight tbh.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Yes, once a fortnight when she is clearly resenting it - that's not good at all, OP. What exactly were you getting out of it and how on earth did you expect her to come back to fancying you after enduring session after session of being spunked into when she clearly wasn't enjoying it?

[bigwombat]

Agree totally with last 2 posts. Have been in that position myself (literally) and have felt revulsion. Sorry to be blunt, but I think there's something else going on which has destroyed your wife's desire to have sex with you. Someone once said to me that a man needs to have sex to feel loved, while a woman needs to feel loved to have sex. Not always true of course, but imo there's something deeply fundamental to the relationship that needs to be worked on if one partner has gone off sex and closeness to this extent.

[barbiegrows]

I'm coming right off the fence now to say I agree with springchicken, I won't have a go at you for having sex with your partner when she didn't want it, you are clearly unaware of the impact that you are having here - it's also possible that she is unaware that what you are doing is wrong.

On a practical level, promise her you won't make any advances on her until she is ready. Don't make any advances at all. Give her eye contact, smiles, support and trustworthiness. Listen to her. Just be there for her when she comes to you. Put any ideas about affairs or lost-and-gone-forever libidos out of your mind.

But don't ever have sex with someone that doesn't want it again, please.

[BertieBotts]

"Our psychoanlytical culture has led us to believe that sex which is largely automatic for one party is the most terrible offence against a genuine relationship; but I don't see really why it's any worse than watching a film you're not very interested in, helping out painting a room that you are personally happy with as it is, or any of the other things people do to make their loved one happy."

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK? Are you actually being fucking serious? I can't even articulate what I want to say other than having a penis inside you when you don't particularly want it there is NOT THE SAME as watching a film you don't particularly like. And let me make this clear, I'm not talking about rape (though agreeing because you know your partner will sulk or otherwise make you feel bad if you say no isn't exactly free and consensual, really) - just sex that you agree to, not because you really want to, but out of a sense of duty, or so as not to upset someone, or whatever other reason which is less than that you're horny and quite fancy your partner right now.